DISCLAIMERS: I don't own any of the characters from XWP. Renaissance Pictures does. I'm just borrowing. Nor do I own Steve and Terri Irwin.
The evil, vile, wicked Zoot...I mean, Producers, belong to themselves.
The story is copyright 2000 Kimyoo Films. So there. =P
The accent? Well...ol' Steve's starting to sound more like Melanie Lynsky (from 'Heavenly Creatures,') y'know...kinda Kiwi.
*WARNINGY THING* There is some double entendre humour to be found...if you find it, lemme know. Darned thing kinda fell out of my back pocket and I've been looking for it for days. ;)
"Croc Huner Goes Grecian: Episode Five" by Magenta
*Steve motions towards us to be quiet as he, the Warrior Princess Xena, and the Amazon Queen Gabrielle walk down a long, open path in the woods.*
"G'dae. I'm Steve Eerwin. Weelcome tae ainother eedition of Crocodile Hunter een Aincient Graece.
"Right now wee're heeading towards Gebreeeelle's hoemtown of Poteidaea. Shee got werd a few daes agae that something wus not quite right aend haid a feeling that the Gohd of Wahr, Eeres, was involved.
"On yeesterdae's progremme, wee deescovered that ain eextreemely raere and danegerous species of wyldlyfe was haeding towards thees small veelage - a Prodeucer. This pahrteecular Prodeucer - Latin Name 'RenPicturicus Feegurehaedicus' - ees moore than danegerous tae the paeple of Poteidaea...hee's danegerous to the lyves of eeveryone on thees show."
*The Warrior Princess stops herself and the Queen and looks around. Steve ducks down and looks up at them.*
"The dahrk one theere...that's the Waerrier Princeess Xeener. The ceeute lil blonde one, that's Gebreeeelle, the Qween of the Aimazons.
"You maigh noeteece that theere horses ahre gone. Xeener tohld Argae, heer horse, tae take Gebreeeelle's horse, Horse, aind find a quiet plaece tae hide.
"Johckceer, on the other haind, raen away, true tae hees speecies."
"Croc Hunter...hush."
*Steve looks up at the Warrior Princess and the Queen. They start walking again and whisper to him as he falls into step beside them.*
"Look into the forest on your right."
*Croc Hunter does so and sees a flash of some odd clothing.*
"Wus thaight...polieesteer I saw??"
"Yes. Now hush...he's close."
"No worries!!!"
*With that, Croc Hunter bolts into the woods, right on the trail of the Producer. Steve leaps over tree roots and fallen limbs in pursuit of the untamed beast. He trips once, but rolls back onto his feet, seemingly unfazed by the cut on his right shin. Behind him, the Warrior Princess and the Queen follow, still on the open road. Finally, after the Producer misplaces his foot on a moss-covered root, he falls, allowing Steve to pick him up by the polyester collar and pants and haul him out to the road for better examination.*
"GOT 'IM!!! Nae, nae, nae, staind back...danegah, danegah, danegah...theese Prodeucer ees eextraemly volatile...pretty grumpy. By Crikey, whot a speecimen..."
*The Producer, who looks vaguely like the Idiot Joxer, strikes at the Warrior Princess, but Croc Hunter's got a good grip on his clothing.*
"Yer ollright, mait! Yer ollright.
"Ya see th' mahrkings on hees polieesteer? Theese mahrkings maen he's high een the eeschelon of Producers...thees mahrking heere-"
*Steve points to a bit of plastic tied around the Producer's neck with a long piece of ball chain.*
"-theese cahrd that's around hees neeck sez that his naime ees Rob Tapert. OOH! Aind look heere!"
*Steve points to a logo on the card.*
"Theese confirms that hee's a RenPicturicus Feegurehaedicus. Eet says 'Renaissance Pictures.'"
*The Warrior Princess and the Queen gasp. Xena cowers against her smaller friend, turning away from the horrid beastie at their feet.*
"OOH! Kill it, kill it, kill it!!!!"
*Steve gasps at the Warrior Princess' outburst.*
"NAE!! We don't kill ainimals, nae matterh hae craepy they are...we must conseerve them for oll tae see aind leern from.
"Who knaes whot the future geenerations'll leern from a speecies lighke theese!!"
"But, but...THAT's a SNAKE!!"
"True...Producers ahre a subspeecies of snake...but eeven a hydra ees eemportant tae an ecoseestem..."
"Lemme go or I'll have your show cancelled!!"
*They all gasp.*
"Yer ollright...right grumpy hee ees...
"Now look heere, mait...wee whant you tae stay fahr away from Poteidaea, okae? Will you dae that eef I leet you gae?"
"Steve Irwin, do you REALLY want to put that much trust in a snake in polyester?"
*Croc Hunter looks at the Queen.*
"I wassss ssssent by Aresssssss....I have to do what he sssayssss."
"No, you don't, Rob...don't hide behind someone else, blaming them for your actions. Take charge...we know you can do it."
"Yes...stay away from the Peach...I mean...Poteidaia..."
*The Producer seems to ponder the wise words from the Queen and the Warrior Princess.*
"Am I sssstrong enough to fight him? He doesssss pay very well....."
"I belieeve in ya, mait!"
"So do we, don't we Xena?"
"I can't believe I'm putting my trust in him...but yeah...I think you can do it, Rob Tapert."
*The Producer brightens, his forked tongue tasting the air.*
"You've talked me into it...I shall sssstay away from Poteidaia. May I have a condition to thissss?"
"Depends."
"Would you marry me, Xxxxxena?"
"HA! I don't like snakes...remember?"
*The Producer pouts.*
"Waddaya say, mait? You weelling tae try aind leeve lyfe fer yaself?"
*The Producer thinks for a moment, then nods.*
"Whatever will make the dark one happy...."
"Good theen...off ya gae!!"
*Steve takes the Producer into the woods and sets him free, then walks back out to the road where the Warrior Princess and the Queen are waiting, arms still around each other.*
"Thanks, Steve Irwin.
"You did a good thing just now, Xena....overcoming your fear."
*The Warrior Princess ruffles the Queen's short blonde hair.*
"C'mon...let's try for two and go see your family..."
*The Queen hugs Xena and they walk towards Poteidaia. Steve stays where he is and turns towards us.*
"WHEW! Whot ain eextrordinary five daes...with two moore tae gae... I cain't wait to shae you moore so tune in tomorrow for ainother episode of Crocodile Hunter in Aincient Graece!"
*Steve walks away...until the next episode of Croc Hunter Goes Grecian...*
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