The Pilot
AKA Life is Unfair
Org. Air Date – 1-9-00
This is the episode where we are introduced to Malcolm and his family. In this episode, Malcolm is transferred from his normal class to the Krelboyne class; a class for really smart kids which is in the trailer near tetherball. We meet Stevie Kanarban, a Krelboyne confined to a wheelchair; Caroline Miller, the Krelboyne teacher, and Spath, a bully who is in Malcolm's old class.
Red Dress
Org. Air Date – 1-16-00
This is the episode where we really get a taste of what living with Lois is like. It's Lois and Hal's anniversary and while getting ready for the big date, Lois finds her brand-new red dress in the toilet with burn-marks all over it. Instead of meeting Hal at the restaraunt, she does everything she can to make the boys 'fess up to who did it. But don't underestimate these kids. They're strong too. They get advice from Francis via the telephone. (Francis is in Alabama at Marlin Academy) Sick of wasting her time, Lois goes in for the kill, swearing that she'll destroy the family television. The kids hide it while her back is turned and Lois finally gives in. Or does she? We also meet Craig, Lois's employee who has an obvious crush on her.
Home Alone 4
Org. Air Date – 1-23-00
Hal and Lois leave town for a wedding and foolishly leave the kids, including Francis, unsupervised at the house. Malcolm overhears them talking before they leave, that this is Francis's chance to see if he has changed for the better. If he does good, they'll consider yanking him outta Marlin Academy. But Francis invites his rowdy friends over and the house gets destroyed. After going on a major cleaning spree, the boys decide that the house is a little too clean and spread Doritos among other things around the house. When they are finished, a shelf falls on Malcolm's head (probably because of all the weight on it), and gives him a nasty, nasty boo-boo which requires stitches. They don't have enough money to cover the payment, and don't want their parents to find out, so they rope Carolyn into paying for it.
Shame
Org. Air Date – 2-06-00
Malcolm is bullied by a big fat kid. When he can't take it any longer, he beats the kid up. Only afterwards does he find that the kid is in the 2nd grade. Unable to find out why his family doesn't care about what he did, he decides to find a good deed to do to make up for what he did wrong. He decides to run in a charity marathon and gets a ton of pledges, by using Stevie's wheelchair. When it comes time to race, Malcolm trips over his own foot and falls down. He is obviously out of the running. Still feeling really bad about what he did, Malcolm asks Lois what's wrong with him. She tells him it's his conscience and that it'll let it go when it wants too and that Malcolm is lucky to have a conscience.
Malcolm Babysits
Org. Air Date – 2-13-00
The family has to temporarily move into a Craig's small, un-airconditioned trailer while the house is fumigated for bugs. Meanwhile, Malcolm baby-sits for some rich people, but finds out that they are recording his every move on a Nanny-Cam. He then records himself talking to the camera, saying that if it's OK to spy on people in that house, then he might as well do a little snooping himself. He goes through their e-mail accounts among other things. Needless to say, he quits.
Sleepover
Org. Air Date – 2-20-00
Malcolm spends the night at Stevie's house. While there, he finds that Stevie isn't allowed to do squat. So Malcolm decides that a night on the town is what they need. They sneak out and go to the arcade. A big mistake. Stevie's wheelchair gets stolen. Malcolm pulls Stevie around on a street sign and in a tire, anything that will get him moving. They finally find the wheelchair, some kids have taken it. Lucky for Malcolm, he won't have to use violence to get it back, the teenagers run away when they see him. Malcolm pushes Stevie back to his house, but uh-oh the cops are there! Malcolm runs away, leaving Stevie across the street all by himself. In the other storyline, Reese wants to stay up to watch a Child's Play AKA Chuckie movie. Lois and Hal agree to it, only if Reese can bathe Dewey and put him to bed. But in the end, Reese is the one who falls asleep and Dewey stays up to watch the movie.
Francis Escapes
Org. Air Date – 2-27-00
Francis escapes from Marlin Academy to see Beebee, his girlfriend who treats him like crap. Francis, being the doofy, hopeless romantic that he is, is too blinded by love to realize that she is a waste of his time. Malcolm finds out that Francis is "loose", and promises not to tell anyone. After receiving a phone call from the Academy, Lois pressures Malcolm to go on a squealing spree. (So Dewey was the one that stuffed the sandwich in the VCR!) Lois goes searching for Francis. Meanwhile, Dewey is scared of a monster that Reese and Malcolm made up. Bebe brakes up with Francis and he winds up back at the Academy.
Krelboyne Picnic
Org. Air Date – 3-12-00
Maclolm's class is having a picnic/talent show for all of the Krelboyne families. Malcolm doesn't wanna go and thinks that he and Francis are gonna leave right before Malcolm has to do his presentation. But Francis falls for a girl, leaving Malcolm to fend for himself. Meanwhile, Reese is dealing with the consequences for chasing after some Krelboynes. It turns out that one of his victim's big brother came to the rescue. Lois is trying hard to fit in with some snotty mothers and Hal is taking over the BBQ with REAL meat instead of soy and tofu crap. To create a diversion, Malcolm sets off a mini-bomb. (We're talking big, but not Oklahoma City big). To please Carolyn, who is having one of the worst days of her life, Malcolm gets up on stage and does his act.
Lois Vs. Evil
Org. Air Date – 3-19-00
Dewey gets Lois fired after he steals a very expensive bottle of liquor from where she works. (He wanted to show Malcolm and Reese that he's not a baby.) So the family has to cut back on everything. Malcolm's crush, Julie Hoolerman hears Malcolm complaining to Stevie about how he wishes they weren’t poor. She organizes a food drive for the family and Lois decides that they should keep all the food. However, Hal is rushed to hospital when he mistakes old peaches for olives. Lois goes and tries to get her job back, but instead, tells off her former boss about all the bad stuff he has done and that he should thank his lucky stars that she hasn't turned him in. Once he figures out that all of the other employees overhead everything, he quits and Lois gets her job back.
Stock Car Races
Org. Air Date – 4-02-00
Hal takes the boys to the stock car races on a school day. He thinks it will be fun to see Rusty Malcolm (a race car driver), on his last day before retirement, but his feelings end up getting hurt when the boys venture off and leave him all alone. Dewey gets lost from Reese and Malcolm, who get in trouble when they enter a forbidden room. They are brought to the security office and are about to be let off the hook when Reese punches the guard in the “Family Jewels”. When Hal goes to leave, he runs into Dewey and they then find Reese and Malcolm with the security guard. Hal owes $300.00 for something the boys broke, but instead of paying, he kicks the guy in the leg. They run to the car and when they get home, are surprised to find that Lois has done some spring cleaning and found some things that could ground the kids, AND Hal, for years.
Funeral
Org. Air Date – 4-09-00
Malcolm's great aunt Helen has died. (Cat's ate her face. Confused? Ask Dewey.) The thing is that the day and time of the funeral conflicts with Malcolm's already-made plans. He was supposed to go to a concert with Julie Hoolerman, but Lois has him on a guilt trip. After canceling, he learns that Lois hated Aunt Helen, so he tries to ditch the funeral thing and go out with Julie. He thinks that maybe if he lies and tells Lois that he has a book report on "A Tale of Two Cities", she will let him stay home and work on it, but she drives him crazy with questions about it. Malcolm erupts, and tells her off saying it's stupid that they have to go to a funeral of a person nobody likes. Hal says he would rather stay home and listen to his records. Lois, angry as ever, says that she doesn't care anymore and that everybody can do whatever they want and she's gonna take a bubble bath. Meanwhile, Dewey has a strange new friend over, Egg. (Dewey named him) Reese is planning to bury Dewey's birthday present, a Mighty Man he stomped on, ("Look, I don't know why I do the things I do.") with Aunt Helen. ("It's in the constitution! No evidence, no crime. E Pluribus Unum".)(Yeah, in God we trust too, Reese.) Malcolm calls Julie and tells her Helen's not dead, false alarm, so the concert is back on. After asking Lois to wash his shirt for him, (Hey, she does, just in the bathtub.) he realizes that his pants are now wet. Standing in his undies, he tries to dry them with a blow-dryer. Just then Julie walks in his room, takes one look at Malcolm, and runs. She trips over Hal's record player cord, slides across the soap filled kitchen and lands in the over-turned trash. Julie ends up leaving almost in tears, saying that people told her not to go there, but she thought they were just silly. Malcolm gets mad and rats out Reese, who ends up standing in the corner at the funeral. Yes, they finally make it there. Here's hoping Uncle Louie will put a good word in for Malcolm to God.
Cheerleader
Org. Air Date – 4-16-00
OK, tell me if this sounds weird. Reese takes a shower. Reese cries. Reese joins the cheerleading squad! It can only mean one thing.....a girl. It turns out Reese has this HUGE crush on this one girl Wendy, and instead of joining the football team to get closer to her, he joins the cheerleading squad. A few problems though: A-Reese is totally uncoordinated (but luckily Malcolm took note on the cheers and taught him what to do) and B-Every time he goes to talk to Wendy he does something stupid like pushing her head down into a water fountain. (Nice laugh by the way). After Hal gives the boys a man to action figure talk, Reese figures he is doomed when it comes to girls, so he just tells Wendy how he feels. Get this, she likes him too! Even his bad boy side. Anyway, to make a long story short, they hold hands, yada yada yada. In one of the other storylines, Francis has a heart-to-heart with Commandant Spangler, and helps him figure out that all of his problems are because of his mother. In this episode, we also get to see into the eyes of Dewey. What an experience. Poor kid sees blurry though, they should get him to an optometrist.
Rollerskates
Org. Air Date 4-30-00
Malcolm really wants to get a pair of blades. Francis has some, Reese has some. But in order to get them, they had to go through hours of "torture" with Hal. See, his rule is, before you can get skates, you have to learn from him how to be a skating dude. This includes practice of various disco moves, etc. After putting up with so much of Hal's crap, Malcolm gives up. Wanting to go outside and play street hockey with Reese and some other kids, Malcolm goes for the skates. (Which he's not supposed to use until he's gone through ALL of Hal's training.) Hal catches him and tries to take them away, but WOW! This kid has a potty mouth! Ya don't actually hear Malcolm say it, but we can assume he basically told his dad to go take a hike, just in a really harsh way if you know what I mean. Hal then writes a 10-page list of all the worst words and phrases he can think of. After making Malcolm say them outloud, they make up, and Malcolm can then be seen kicking some serious butt in streethockey. He even used some of Hal's moves. The other storyline is that Reese came rollerblading in the house and must have rolled in something nasty outside. (Wanna take a guess as to what?) Lois yells so loud she throws her back out. Hal can't get her to take any pain medicine because she said that it makes her all loopy and she has to run the house. And, the other storyline is about Francis. The cadets have to go on a 2-day survival mission, bringing as little as possible. Right before the trip, Francis fakes a horrible backache, and is left at the Academy. Whoops, he kinda blew his cover when the cadets came back and found him playing with the fire extinguisher. They tied him up and put him in the woods for 3 days. An extra day for lying.
Bots and the Bees
Org. Air Date – 5-07-00
Francis has to have an emergency appendectomy, so Lois goes down to Alabama to make sure her eldest son is alright. Hal has never been separated (for days at a time) from Lois since they have been married. Missing her, he goes kinda nuts. Dancing around in his underwear, chucking scissors at the ceiling, even taking over Malcolm's "killer" robot. See, Malcolm and some of the Krelboynes were trying to design a "killer robot" and could only work on it at Malcolm's house 'cause none of the other parents approved. Hal adds blade saws, bees, you name it, it's there. Craig comes over and Malcolm asks for his help, so after eating a sandwich (for energy), Craig tries to level with Hal. Big no-no, Hal ends up torturing him. Finally, Malcolm takes charge, and just when ya thought everything might be OK, there come the bees. Hal is covered from head to toe in them, but decides to wait until Lois gets home to do anything about them. Meanwhile, Francis gets tired of Lois hanging around, so he orders her to leave. But after a little itty-bitty talk, they end up going to a rodeo.
Smunday
Org. Air Date – 5-14-00
After getting off being grounded for giving away Dewey’s bike, the boys are at it again. Lois is sick and can’t seem to keep track of what day of the week it is. You see, she thinks it’s Sunday instead of Monday. Who could really blame the boys for taking advantage of her in her condition? Playing along, Reese, Dewey and Malcolm are now off the hook for having to go to school. Who wants to go and sit in a teeny classroom with a bunch of Krelboynes anyway? Figuring they’ve already taken advantage of her thus far, they decide to continue by asking her questions that the healthy and in-the-right-stage-of-her-mind-Lois would probably ground them for. It turns out that Francis, yes FRANCIS was the one that ratted on them for giving away Dewey’s bike! (They gave it away to see Circus eat a dog food sandwich.) In total shock that their brother could do that to them, they decide to do a little ratting of their own. Francis had called and asked them to hide a letter that would soon be arriving to the house, a letter that was sent to inform Hal and Lois about something bad that Francis did at the Academy. Wouldn’t it be the sweetest revenge to give that letter to Lois and have her temper erupt like a volcano? Of course, the boys were only half serious when they told Francis about their new “plan”. Francis, in turn, sends some of his bullying friends over to get the letter back, but Lois ends up getting the it anyway. It turns out that Francis ratted on them, to get on Lois’ good side in hopes of being able to come home earlier. Feeling guilty about what they’d just done, the boys come up with such a horrible bad deed, in order to take the focus off Francis. The REALLY bad part about it, was when Hal, fresh from a car dealership drives up in a brand new red Porsche. Because that’s when the kids unleash a HUGE barrage of paint from the roof and right onto (or should I say into?) the car of Hal’s dreams. Unfortunately for Hal, that’s where that car will have to stay, in his dreams.
Water Park
Org. Air Date – 5-21-00
Poor Dewey. Like in the Home Alone movies, where Kevin always gets left behind for Christmas, Dewey always gets left home for the fun family outings. This time he had an ear infection. (According to Lois, that’s why he shouldn’t put dirty things in his ears, but will he learn, we’ll never know.) This time, the fun planned was a trip to a water park, thanks to Hal being able to score some tickets from work. So, leaving Dewey behind with a babysitter (Golden Girl’s Bea Arthur), the family embarks on their journey to what should have been the perfect day. But between Hal bringing in liquor-filled bottles of sun-tan lotion, and Reese and Malcolm’s constant fighting (Reese reminds Lois that Malcolm has to wear dorky nose plugs because of sinuses, Malcolm, in turn gets Reese to confess that he likes this girl April because she kisses with tongue, Reese throws a wet jock strap on Malcolm’s face, Malcolm tells a lifeguard that Reese is drowning, and in the end, a heavyset man attempts CPR on Reese!), the day is obviously ruined. But of course, knowing this family, the fun doesn’t just stop there. Malcolm really pulls the last straw, however, by pantsing Reese in front of a ton of girls. Reese starts chasing Malcolm up the stairs to the top of “The Liquidator”, the most supreme water slide in the entire park. All the while, Lois is right on Reese’s heels, ready to punish the boys for their terrible behavior.
