EPISODE ONE: I AM NOT GOING TO DESCRIBE WHERE EACH PERSON IS FROM OR HOW OLD THEY ARE. YOU CAN READ THAT IN THE SECTION: “ABOUT THE CAST”

*Dramatic Music* : We first see Julie, who is getting ready to get on a trolley. She is very concerned about how people are going to see her, especially people at her school. She attends BYU, which is almost 100% Mormon, and co-ed living is a no-no. Her school does not even know she is going on the show, and she is very anxious on their reaction once they find out. I like the fact that even though people might judge her, she is going headfirst into this new experience. Her parents are worried about her, but she is determined to prove her independence and maturity. You can tell she doesn’t really know how to go about this when she says, “I am starting to form my own life, I HOPE.” I’m rooting for you, Julie.

We get a quick glance of David waiting for, what we all know, is the same trolley Julie is on. He says he knows people are going to feel fear when they first look at him. Must be those huge muscles, huh guy?? *rolling eyes*

Julie gets on the streetcar, and it stops to pick up David AKA Touchy-Feely. He comes on and gives Julie a hug, which was cool, but then he started his, “I-wanna-know-everything-about-you-so-I can-seem-to-the-cameras-I-am-a-real-personable-kind-of-guy. He lets Julie know that her hug was good (is there a such thing as a bad hug?) and that she was bubbly. Julie’s response is, “Oh, good” I mean, how do you respond when somebody says you hug good?? He gets on and right away starts to ask a thousand questions “Who’s your family? What do they look like? What do they wear? Do you date? In other words, Jules, if I throw my Mac on you, can I have you??” Ok, he didn’t say all of that, but he is already getting on my nerves. Both Julie and David confirm to each other that they are single, which once again leads David into his Mac-mode, “Are you a player, Julie?” Julie, very wisely chose not to answer. All in all, they seem to be getting along.

We now see Melissa sitting in a lobby, evidently waiting for somebody, very impatiently. Enters Danny. He says, “You must be the one I am looking for.” MTV, please stop with these surprise meetings, they wore pretty thin about six seasons ago. After establishing they are roommates (no kidding) Melissa motions him to get her bags. I like her! She grabs her big a** bag of rice (any kind won’t do) and they get on their shuttle bus, and Danny proceeds to tell her he has a secret. “Well, what is it?” Melissa asks. “Just wait.” Danny says. Melissa is getting a little ticked that he won’t come right out and say what is on his mind. She proceeds to ask him about 3 more times, and he still won’t ‘fess up. In defense of Melissa being so nosy, I hate when people do that, too. She playfully tells him she hates him, and he laughs it off. Because MTV is so predictable, we all know what the secret is, even without hearing anything beforehand. So, I am wondering why Danny is being so secretive, when it is obvious what he is going to say. Is this stuff scripted???

Julie and David have arrived at the house, or should I say, mansion, and they are in awe. This place is gorgeous. The name of the house is Belfort. Now you know that any house that has a name to it is something to see. The colors inside are funky. I agree with David that it looks like something out of The Jetsons. They have an animated fireplace, a robot dog, a futuristic kitchen, and animated artwork. David thinks it’s tight, as you will hear about 40 more times. “Did I say tight??” Yes, David, we got it the first time. Why is he getting on my nerves? I need help. They check out the upstairs, and gives Julie another hug. *Sigh*

Matt and Kelley arrive. We don’t get to see their meeting, but I am sure it was as spontaneous as the rest of them. Smirk. Julie is waiting at the door for them, and they all proceed to hug. You know how sweet things are in the beginning. In the confessional booth, Julie admits that “if” she was too hook up with somebody, it would be Matt. Just another one of MTV’s ways of saying they are going to probably hook up. Matt and Kelley look around. Touchy-Feely proceeds to give them both a hug, and his opinion of them is Skateboarder kid and Supermodel. Which is somewhat the impression I got of them. They check out the fully stocked fridge and play with the robot dog. Julie says that where she is from that most people are the same, and it’s good to be around people that are different from her. They all admit they are single, and David declares, “The singles rule this house.

Danny and Melissa are still in the shuttle bus, and she is still begging him to tell her what his secret is. Danny is being tightlipped, and I for one am in suspense. Hmm, Anyway, Danny asks Melissa what she thinks the other roommates are going to be like, and what the ratio of the roommates is going to be. If they were all going to be white. Melissa asks him did he have a problem with white people, and Danny says, “Not at all.” I loved the way Danny did not let Melissa goad him into an argument. He tells her he loves a little vegetables with his white rice, and she says he is just enough salt for her pepper. It’s all in good fun. In the confessional booth, she says that it is hard being half black, half Philippine. That she has to be tough, which I can understand. She tells Danny that she hoped he would be ugly and that the rest of the roommates would be ugly, so that she could be the “shining star”. She guesses that everybody is going to be beautiful with big boobs. You can see that Danny getting a kick out of her. He asks her what would she think if she was the only girl, and the rest of the roommates were men, and she loves the idea. She says that they could push all the beds together and she would sleep smack in the middle of all the men, have herself a man sandwich. “I LOVE BOYS” she says. Danny tells her that there is nothing wrong with that. That’s your cue, Melissa, to guess the secret, but she doesn’t. I’m thinking that Melissa has a little freak in her. I am wondering who is going to be the first one she propositions?

Back at the house: Matt and Julie get acquainted. He asks her does she have any tattoos, and she says no, he says he doesn’t either, but he designs them. Matt tells her that he is from a very rural town. He wants her to tell a little about herself, and she says her life is not all that interesting. She is amazed they even picked her for the show. They both admire one another, and are very impressed with each other. Julie says in confession, “I think I am going to really like him.” You think?? That is evident when Matt walked in the door. I think they would make a cute couple, but maybe a little too sweet.

David and Kelley are getting better acquainted on the porch. She tells a little about her travels in the West Indies. She asks David if he likes to go out, he says yes, but he doesn’t drink, dancing is his high. He says in confessional that when he goes out he checks out the women, because that is what a playa does. Oh my. Anyway, he tells Kelley what he really wants to do is be a stripper. Oh, not a full-fledged stripper, he just wants to shake a little. Kelley asks him could he really do that? “Yes, I have worked sooooo hard on my body and I am proud of it.” “I go to the gym and work on my muscles to compensate for my lacking elsewhere.” Ok, he didn’t say the last part, but d*** he is once again, and let’s all say it together, “getting on my nerves.” I am not knocking physical fitness at all, but he is very into himself. He proceeds to say that God is going to bless him even higher. Does he mean bless him in life, or bless him with more pecs?

Melissa and Danny finally arrive at the house, and they have the same reaction that David and Julie had. Danny comments that the house looks like “Tara”, and Melissa says, “Tara, who?” Danny says, the house from Gone in the Wind, don’t you watch T.V? Ok, not the T.V part, but he seemed shocked that she didn’t know. Melissa comments that the house looks like a plantation house, and she pushes Danny aside so she can rush in. They debate on whether they should knock or not, and decide to just walk in. They rush in and everybody introduces themselves. Melissa is very happy by all the “cuties” that are there, and comments in confessional that David’s muscles are too big. Melissa and Danny take a tour of the house, and love what they see. Melissa gets so excited that she feels the urge to grab somebody’s butt. Matt being the victim. Danny lets everybody know that Melissa is a little freaky. A little??? Everybody is wondering where the 7th person is. Melissa is anxious to pick rooms and get settled.

Typical MTV: They are all sitting around talking about how everybody is going to be, and the women have decided that Danny is going to be humping all these women and be the love maker of the house. Umm, smell a set-up, yet?? Melissa evidently told everybody that Danny has a secret, and Kelley, knowing that Danny speaks French, wants to know what his secret is in French. Danny, in French, says, “I am gay.” Even though Kelley has had three years of French, the only part she understands is, “I am” Excuse me, if a person says they have a secret, and the first part of the secret is “I am” AND you are dealing with Bunim-Murray productions, wouldn’t you know? I guess Kelley didn’t get to that part of the script yet.

They are still waiting for the 7th person, and they are wondering if it is a guy or girl. Melissa, freakazoid, hopes it’s a guy. Jaime finally arrives, and guess what? Hugs everybody. Melissa screams from the background, “Is it a boy.” Yes, Melissa, it is…. She screams in delight. Melissa is very pleased with the last roomie to arrive. David and Jamie both find out they are from Chicago, but from very different parts of town. Jamie is from the North Side, and David from the South Side. David explains how rough his neighborhood is. He asks Jaime does he ever get around to the South Side, and Jaime says, “For a basketball game or two.” David says they come from very different worlds. I don’t know if he meant this in a good way or bad way.

First meal: Good old fashioned southern cooking. They all seem to be enjoying themselves. The topic of Julie being a Mormon comes up. You can tell that she is a little apprehensive, and admits in confessional that she was very defensive when she came in the house because of her religion and how people would take to it. The roommates ask her questions about her religion, and Jamie asks her was she married. (I thought he might have known you can’t be married to be on the Real World, but maybe I am wrong.) Julie laughs and tells him no. Jaime opening his mouth up real wide for his foot says, “I thought YOU people got married when you were 16.” Then I believe Matt says, “No, 15.” Now, I know nothing about the Mormon religion, and I know they were only playing harmlessly, but to come at her like that and make cracks about something that she holds dear to her was not right. Then opening his mouth up a little wider so he can get the other shoe in says, “I haven’t brushed up on my Mormon.” Ummm, Jamie, you are an idiot. Just wanted you to know. Melissa, who could really care less about what the others are talking about says, “Danny, since Jamie is here, what is your secret.” Melissa, goodness, you seem like a smart girl, THINK!! Danny tells her to be patient, it will all come out in time. (No pun intended)

Choosing rooms: Matt admits he would rather not share with a girl. Kelley takes control and assigns rooms, and believe it or not, they all agree. That must be the easiest room-choosing in Real World’s history.

First night out: Where else? A club. They party and dance; Melissa gets her man sandwich at last. And Julie says she does not need this temptation. MTV really only showed a little bit of their first night out.

Back at home: Melissa and Danny are in one of the bedrooms talking. He shows her pictures of his friends. He says they are his “good friends” Melissa points to a picture of Danny hugging another guy, both in their underwear, and wants to know the meaning of “good friends” This goes back and forth for a minute. Danny asks her if she is putting two and two together. But this is not good enough for Melissa; she wants to him to say it!! In confessional, Danny says he just recently came out to his parents, and it felt like he was reborn. Melissa says to him that he gives off an “attracted to girls” vibe. He admits he still is. She asks him if he is Bi-sexual, and he says he didn’t think so. His feelings for women were nowhere near as strong as his feelings for men. In confessional, he tells about a guy he is seeing named Paul. He tells Melissa that he never felt the way he feels about Paul for anybody. She asks Danny if Paul is coming out to see him, and he says no. Danny shows Melissa a picture of Paul and Melissa sees that he is in the military. Melissa still doesn’t understand why it’s such a big secret, “it’s not like you said you have one nut.” Danny is very concerned about the whole situation with Paul. Paul has not told anybody he is gay: his family, his friends, people in the military. Nobody knows. And Danny knows that if it comes out, Paul’s career would be ruined. Danny later shows Jamie the picture of him and Paul. Jamie is immediately taken back. He says in confessional that he never lived with a gay guy before. Then wanted to know if “gay” was a politically correct word. Guess who is now getting on my nerves? Where’s my buddy David when I need him??

Ok, this has nothing to do with the episode, per se, but when they showed a shot of Jamie in the bed, was the sweat or slobber on his pillowcase?

Julie is playing her guitar while Danny stands in the doorway and watches. He says that he feels the need to protect her. What a shock it’s going to be to Julie that he is gay. Don’t forget, she said in her casting tape that she felt it was disgusting. But yet this “disgusting” guy wants to protect her. Julie stops playing when she notices him watching. (By the way, she is pretty good) Julie says in the confessional that Danny is very sweet and she likes that. She admits that she feels she is going to grow a lot from this experience, and I think she is too. Danny climbs in Julie’s bed and the talk for hours. Julie is enjoying this freedom from what seems to be a strict up bringing.

The next morning: Julie is on the phone with her parents. Her dad is asking her if she made it to church. He asks who her roommate is, and she says, “His name is Matt.” And Julie mom says, “No, seriously.” Julie says, “I am serious.” Julie’s dad threatened to build a big wall up in the room. Julie is feeling very bold now because she admits she can do anything now, and they can’t do anything about it.

Julie and David are sitting around and Julie is playing her guitar. Even though I am not into folksy kind of music, she is really good, and David seems genuinely impressed. Julie is very emotional. She feels bad because she didn’t get a good first impression of David, and now she feels she might be wrong. She worries that she does that a lot.

Jamie, Kelley and Danny are in the hot tub. They are discussing relationships. Jamie says he is not ready for a girlfriend. Danny says in the confessional that he is attracted to both Kelley and Jamie. But it is merely physical. Jamie says that women are good for two reasons: companionship and friendship, and limbidimous? satisfaction. Kelley gets a little pissed about that. Jamie explains that in his “20” years, it is a time for him to hang with his boys in a fraternalesque? way. Danny tells him that since he likes his boys so much, he should stop fronting and be gay. (I loved Danny for saying that) Jamie feels Danny is flirting, but he is not offended. Danny adamantly says he is attracted to women about 3 times, who is he convincing us or himself?? He supercalifragilistically loves women. (ok, just trying to use a “big” vocab like Jamie) Kelley tells Danny to “just be straight”.

Bedroom: Danny and Kelley are in the bed together, and Kelley says that she is getting ready to fulfill Danny’s fantasy by having Jamie come in there, too. Jamie is not really with that, and says he can’t have a slumber party with them because he has to work in the morning. But you know it is because he didn’t know that Danny was going to be in the bed too. He probably thought he would get some late night nookie from Kelley.

The next morning: David and Matt are eating breakfast and David asks Matt how he thought Julie would be in a relationship. Matt feels she is a very selfless and giving person. David says that him and Julie’s backgrounds are so different, that that was the draw. Ok, what did I miss? Don’t tell me that David is going to try to use his playa ways to get with Julie? I think he is used to women who flock to him, and now he has one who isn’t paying him the least bit of mind, and he is hooked. Maybe Julie is the real playa.

Danny is talking on the phone with his boyfriend, Paul. He is feeling temptation, and wants to know where he stands with Paul. He tells Paul that he will try to be faithful, but can’t promise it. Paul understands because he knows Danny will be coming home to him.

Julie and David are in the room talking. Julie asks him does he think he is a playa. David says, “If experience is the key, am I not experiencing?” WHAT??? Julie asks David of his first impression of her, and he says that she was all smiles, fresh as a snowflake, and how he was going to corrupt her. Memo to Julie: If you are going to let anybody corrupt you, please let it be somebody with “real” game. Not this playa-wannabe. God, please let me like David before this season is out. I don’t want to hate on him this whole season. Amen. David says to Julie, “You could never see yourself with a person like me.” Julie never really answers, but I wanted her to jump on the bed and say, “H*** No!!” but so much for wishing.

David is writing a song for Julie. Can you say whipped? Ok, not to hate on him entirely, he sounds as if he has a real nice singing voice, and I hope to hear it.

Julie and Matt are shooting pool. They are talking about whom they are going to fly down to visit. He wants to fly down an old girlfriend named Tammy and Julie says a friend named John. Matt asks if her if she had a crush on John, and she says no. Then in the confessional, he says the he basically wouldn’t know if he woman was interested in him if she hit him over the head. So if one girl was interested in him, he said, he wouldn’t have a clue. Now, I know MTV must have taped this confession before this pool game because anybody can see that Julie likes him, and he likes her, too. I hope Matt isn’t just being coy. On the phone with a friend, and in confessional, she admits that she likes Matt.

Danny and Kelley are sitting around talking about Paul, Danny’s boyfriend. He tells Kelley that he never felt this way about anybody. Kelley asks him how long have they been together, and he says, three weeks. THREE WEEKS? Ok, I am not knocking love at first sight, but darn, all of this in just three weeks? Must be nice. Later, Danny talks to Paul on the phone and Paul tells him that he is coming to see Danny. Even though Danny is excited to see him, he is cautious about it. He doesn’t want to put Paul’s career in jeopardy. But Paul definitely wants to come.

Julie and David are walking down the street and David is inviting her to a concert. He is saying that because they both share the same interest in music, that they would have fun. Julie is like, “uh huh” You can tell she is not really interested. In the confessional, David admits he noticed that she doesn’t really seem with going out with him. He says he is not going to sit and wait for her, if she comes, good, if not, fine. For some reason, I don’t believe that he doesn’t care. And dare I say I feel a little bit sorry for him?

Club: They are all out, and Melissa comments how David is a playa, and how he didn’t give anybody in the house a chance. She figures that they weren’t cute enough for him. Uh Oh, remember in the Boston Season where it seemed like Kameelah liked Syrus, but he didn’t like her in the same way, and she started tripping on him? Is this a re-play of that? Don’t know.

Back at home: Danny and Kelley are waiting for Paul to show up. Danny runs out to greet him. Now, why did I think that I was going to see Paul’s face? I’m an idiot. They had it blocked out, of course. I guess I can understand why. I mean, I don’t think I would have given my career up after only three weeks, but that’s me. Kelly vows in the confessional to be the one that makes Paul feel comfortable.

David comes home from I guess the club with a women. He says how he has more game then monopoly. The girl’s name is Shea, and you know they are about to get busy. And the award for first one to get the booty goes to: DAVID! Could you have at least waited a week?

Next morning: David and Shea come out of the room and Shea introduces herself to Julie. The exchange very small talk, and you can see that Julie is not pleased. After Shea lives, David, Julie and Matt are in the room talking. Julie tries to casually get David to admit that he slept with Shea. David says he “chilled’ with her. Julie tells David that she feels bad for some of these girls because David considers it a game. David says in the confessional that he is not trying to offend anybody, but most of the girls he goes out with are playas, too. Julie says in the confessional that she doesn’t care if David thinks these women are playas, they don’t deserve to be treated like ones.

Danny, Paul and Kelley go out to dinner. Kelley asks Paul how he would feel if Danny just kissed somebody. Paul told her he didn’t know. Danny sees how much Paul cares for him and makes a vow to TRY not to cheat.

David, Julie and Matt are still talking. Julie expresses her concern over the women that she feels David is playing. He says he loves sex and that whether you involve yourself with it or not, you have that sexual urge. Matt agrees with David, but says that what Julie means is that even though as humans we all have a sexual desire, we shouldn’t act on every one of them. Matt says that that sex is an amazing thing and he plans on having lots of it, but not until he puts a ring on a woman’s finger. He wants to save his virginity for his wife. Now, I am very impressed with this, but you know that women are going to be throwing it at him for saying that. Julie is very impressed with this, because she also agrees. David really doesn’t know how to respond to this, except by basically saying, “what works for you, works for you. What works for me, works for me.” Oh, yes, let me not forget that David says he is good in bed. I know you wanted to know that.

First Cry: Julie wins this award. She is very emotional and confused. She is feeling a certain way about Matt, and she admits she would like to be his girlfriend. She is worried about being attracted to somebody who is not her religion. She goes and plays with the robot dog and tells the dog he is the only man she needs.

While the credits are running, Julie and Melissa are sitting around talking about both the husband and wife being virgins. Melissa, in her funny way, says it would be like a porno with bloopers, except the bloopers part would actually be the porno. The girl is certifiable.

See you next episode!!