Summary: The episode opens at Will's apartment with Jack, Guapo and Will. Jack and Guapo are forced to leave because Will, president of the tenants association is having a tenants meeting. Grace shows up covered in soot, having just discovered that her fireplace doesn't work. When she talks to Will about, he says after cutting the budget, only some apartments have working fireplaces while others don't. Grace is upset at this, but more upset at Will's (who happens to have a working fire place) smug attitude towards Grace, refussing to fix her fireplace. So Grace decides to attend the meeting. She is, however, knowingfully overlooked by Will throughout the entire meeting until she finally gets upset and informs the tenants that only half of the fireplaces work and that Will should get them all working. Will still makes excuses, so Grace nominates herself for the upcoming tenants association president, pitting her in an election against Will.
Meanwhile, Jack and Rosario's 'marriage' isn't going as well as Rosario hoped. Karen comes in and sends Rosario out, then breaks the news to Jack that she accidentally lost Gaupo out the window while yelling at someone. Jack is heartbroken over the loss of his beloved and faithful bird, and Karen tries everything to cheer him up. When she finally offers to take him to Barney's and let him French kiss her in the elevator, he agrees and she leaves to get the driver ready. As soon as she leaves, Jack hears a noise from the window and discovers Guapo has returned, yet leaves him on the window sill to go shopping, not telling Karen of Guapo's return.
Meanwhile, the election continues. Grace has made posters and is really anxious to kick Will's butt. Will, however, appears unfazed. Yet when he hears that Grace told a tenant that he had been eating her Fruit of the Month, Will realizes that this means war.
Back at Karen's, Jack is still milking Guapo's 'loss' as much as he can. Karen, who still feels guilty, doesn't notice and leaves to plan their next day. As soon as she leaves, Jack starts admiring his new shoes when he is suddenly confronted by Guapo on the window sill again. Jack tries to shoo him, then gets guilty and wonders what he should do: tell the truth and lose anything else he could get from Karen, or keep lying to Karen and do something with Guapo. He finally decides to put Guapo in the closet and keep up the charade.
Back at the apartment, the race continues, as both candidates try to buy their votes from the tenants. They are also getting more and more competitive.
At Karen's, she tells Jack that she doesn't feel right trying to buy back his forgiveness with stupid gifts. Jack is worried that she might stop, but is even more shocked when she gives him the keys to his new boat. This is about all Jack can take and confesses that Guapo has been in the closet the whole time. He is even more shocked when Karen reveals that she knew all along, mainly because of all the cameras in the room. Jack apologizes and Karen says that part of her is angry, but part of her is proud. She also tells him the keys to his 'boat' are actually the keys to Grace's office, so he can keep them.
As the election battles on, the count comes out as a tie. The tie breaker is in the hospital for an operation and they must wait until he gets out. Needless to say, both participents arrive at the hospital to get his vote, but he ends up voting for Grace, who is thrilled until Will starts telling her about what being the president of the tenants' association really means, which is a lot of hard work. Grace realizes that Will tricked her and is now bogged down with complaints from the tenants.
Karen & Jack Quotes
JACK (holding GUAPO): Oh, look, Will. I'm flipping you the bird. [HOLDS GUAPO'S CAGE TOWARDS WILL.]
[GRACE ENTERS, WITH HER FACE COVERED IN SOOT.]
JACK: Ah, Grace? A little tip. When you shadow, a good rule of thumb is less is more. Ok? [JACK EXITS WITH GUAPO.]
(JACK is playing with his dog, KLAUS VON PUPPY on the bed.)
JACK: Hold still, Klaus Von Puppy. We're assessorizing. [TYING A BANDANA AROUND KLAUS VON PUPPY'S HEAD] Look at you all 'street.' You're like notorious D.O.G. [RAPPING] I'm the pooch with the cold, wet snout; if you sniff my butt then I'll ask you out. Word to the bitch.
ROSARIO: [ENTERING] I told you to keep that dog off the bed. I made it once today. I don't want to make it again.
JACK: Rosario? A marriage is about compromise and compassion, ok? Maybe you could, oh, I don't know-- pick one.
ROSARIO: Dogs, rapping, strange boys calling in the middle of the night. When I prayed to the Madonna for a husband, maybe I should have been more specific.
JACK: Oh, my god. You pray to Madonna, too?
KAREN: [ENTERING] Jack, sweetie, uh, we need to talk. There's something-- [NOTICES ROSARIO] Oh, hmm, it's you. If I understand our roles correctly, you should be cleaning something, and I should be drinking something. [HANDS ROSARIO HER GLASS] Freshen.
ROSARIO: Drinking at 10:00 in the morning. Where I come from, we have a word for people like you. [ROSARIO EXITS]
KAREN: [SHOUTING TO ROSARIO] Oh, that's funny. We have a word for people like me here, too. It's called 'boss.' Now, do what I tell you!
KAREN: Oh, you know, uh, when I get depressed, nothing perks me up like a little spending spree. Come on, honey. Let's go shopping.
JACK: I don't want to.
KAREN: We'll go to Barney's.
JACK: It won't help.
KAREN: We'll skip the sale rack.
JACK: [LOOKING UP] I don't know.
KAREN: I'll let you French kiss me in the elevator.
JACK: Well, maybe just an hour.
(KAREN and JACK enter, carrying shopping bags)
KAREN: That shopping spree helped a little bit. Didn't it, poodle?
JACK: I guess.
KAREN: Oh, come on. I saw you crack a smile when I had that salesgirl fired. [IMITATING THE SALES GIRL] 'Oh, but I've got 6 children, and my husband just left me!' Come on. I saw you, you little devil.
JACK: Yeah.
KAREN: Yeah.
JACK: Oh, look at Guapo's cage. It's so empty. Like my heart.
KAREN: Keep your chin up. Tomorrow we'll talk travel. Oh! Say, have you done Greece? Oh, wait a minute. Of course you done Greece. No, we'll think of something. [KAREN EXITS.]
[JACK PULLS OUT HIS NEW ROLEX AND BEGINS DANCING AND SINGING]
JACK: [SINGING] Liv-ing in a material world, materia-al, in a material world and I am a materia-- [GUAPO IS SITTING ON THE WINDOW SILL] You again? Oh, my god, I'm Tippi Hedren. Get out of here. Go! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoes. That's what I can get tomorrow. I am rather fond of the new Gucci mule. Oh, wait a minute. What am I saying? You're my Guapo. You're my baby. Come here, Guapo. Yes. [GUAPO HOPS UP ONTO JACK'S ARM] Up, Guapatito. Now look at me. Am I the sort of man that would give up his precious little baby for a $10,000 watch? [JACK LOOKS AT THE WATCH, THEN GUAPO. THE WATCH. GUAPO.] No. [BEAT] Guapo, the closet's not that bad. [JACK PUTS GUAPO INTO THE CLOSET] Will was in there for 20 years.
(JACK IS ON THE BED, WITH HIS FEET IN THE AIR.)
JACK: [SINGING] Pretty shoes, pretty shoes. Who's the pretty pair of Prada slip-ons? Oh, you are. Yes, you are.
KAREN: [ENTERING] Honey, I don't feel right.
JACK: ['SOBBING'] Oh, Guapo!
KAREN: I just--I just feel terrible about the last few days. Trying to make up for the loss of a pet by buying you stupid little gifts.
JACK: No, the gifts aren't stupid. The gifts help.
KAREN: No, honey, it's wrong. In fact, it's--it's just insulting. There's only one thing I can give you that has real value...
JACK: Your love?
KAREN: A boat! Ha ha ha! Whew! [HANDS JACK A SET OF KEYS.]
JACK: Oh my god, Karen. I don't know what to say.
KAREN: Say 'thank you, Karen.' Thank you for a boat with a mahogany deck, a cruising speed of 40 knots, and a staff of cabin boys who are either gay or questioning.
JACK: Oh, my god. It's... one out of every 10 man's dream. I've never... Nobody's ever, um... You know, I don't... Oh, god, Karen, I can't keep it up! I've been lying to you this whole time.
KAREN: I know.
JACK (to KAREN)So, I guess I should give you the keys back.
KAREN: No, keep 'em. They're to Grace's office. Go ahead, help yourself. Take whatever you want.
JACK: Well, I'm so ashamed, Karen. I'm so sorry.
KAREN: Oh, it's ok. A part of me is angry, but a part of me is proud. The rest of me is just drunk. Ha ha!
Other Quotes
GRACE: [TO WILL] All I wanted to do was spend a cozy evening at home by myself, so I try to light a fire, and the next thing I know, the entire apartment is full of smoke.
WILL: Did you check the flue?
GRACE: Yeah.
WILL: Did you use dry wood?
GRACE: Yeah.
WILL: Did you know that your fireplace has been sealed shut, effectively rendering it nonfunctional?
GRACE: No.
WILL: Might be your problem.
GRACE: How come your fireplace works?
WILL: Because I'm sleeping with the president of the tenants' association.
GRACE: That's you.
WILL: Yes, and I'm tender but rough when I need to be.
GRACE: Ok, Mr. Rough-and-Tender, you've got to do something. How can I have a groovy bachelorette make-out pad if I don't have a fire to set the mood?
WILL: Smoke in bed. I have a tenants' meeting. This discussion is closed. Not unlike your fireplace.
GRACE: Wait, wait. Why is this discussion closed? Give me one good reason why.
WILL: Uh, 'cause.
GRACE: I'm gonna need a little more than that.
WILL: Ok. Because.
[GRACE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH.]
WILL: What are you doing?
GRACE: You're having a tenant meeting. I'm a tenant with an issue.
WILL: You're a tenant with a lot of issues.
GRACE: Hello?! My hand has been up for an hour. I'm down 3 ring sizes.
GRACE (talking to the tenants about WILL): Are you people noting this arrogance? He's not your president. He's not acting like a president. He's acting like a king. Or in his case--
WILL: Grace!
GRACE: [RUNNING TOWARDS THE ELEVATOR, CARRYING A BOX] Wait, hold the door! Hold the door, hold the door! [SHE DROPS THE BOX INTO THE ELEVATOR, AND BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP. HER BUTT GETS CAUGHT IN THE DOOR, WHICH REPEATEDLY OPENS AND CLOSES ON IT.] Oh, god--ow. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
WILL: Grace! [PULLS GRACE INTO THE ELEVATOR]
GRACE: Ow.
WILL: [READING GRACE'S FLYER FROM THE BOX] 'Vote for Grace, win the race.' That's cute. Shouldn't the rhyme go more like, 'Vote for Grace, she just wants to get it on in front of a fireplace'?
GRACE: [TO WILL] Nice artwork, by the way.
WILL: What are you talking about?
GRACE: My poster in the elevator. You blacked out my teeth, gave me a mustache, horns, an arrow through the head. Real mature.
WILL: [SNORTS AND LAUGHS]
GRACE: What?
WILL: All I did was the teeth. [LAUGHS]
WILL: (to GRACE, who has snuck in to talk to the hospitalized tenant): Telling the nurse that you're his daughter. That's beyond contemptible.
NURSE: [WALKING PAST THE DOOR] Oh, Rabbi Truman. I'm glad you found him.
GRACE: Yes! Yes! [SINGING] I win, you lose, I win I win, you lose you lose, I win, you lose, you lose. Yay, me! Second verse, same as the first. [SINGING] I win, you--
WILL: All right, all right! All right, all right. Put your pompoms down, Tiffani-Amber-Annoying. I concede.
GRACE: Hmm, you lose.
WILL: [WHISPERING] Yeah, all right, I lose.
GRACE: You lose. 'I love lose-ey.' How's it feel?
WILL: Not so good.
GRACE: Oh, how the arrogant have fallen. [SNOOTY LAUGHTER] Ho ho ho ho....
WILL: Especially when I think of all I'm losing. Like waking up at 5 a.m. tomorrow to let the gas guy in. Or next week's meeting with the city building inspector, a man who's never met a clove of garlic he didn't like. Or, dealing with one of a thousand niggling little problems 24 hours a day from 36 neurotic tenants.
GRACE: Wait, that doesn't sound very fun.
WILL: Oh, it's not. When I think of it that way, suddenly losing feels a whole lot like winning. Thank you, Grace. Thank you for teaching me this valuable lesson. [SING-SONG] See ya!
Scenes Karen & Jack Have Together
