First Person, running around frantically waving arms: 
"It's all around me, it's all around me!" 
Second Person watching First Person: "What's all around you?" 
First Person, calmly: "My belt, of course!" 

When the little boy was caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he said,
"I needed help with my homework."
The reason: "God helps those who help themselves." 

A story about a pony on the pampas could be called "Little Horse on the Prairie". 

Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a Saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down. 

You can have too much of a good thing, but since most people think puns are not good things, they can't have too many of them! 

An expert farmer is outstanding in his field. 

An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on. 

A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse". 

Hands are like bells, especially when they're wrung. 

Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot. 

One can tell that a tree is nomadic when it packs up its trunk and leaves. 

Concerning Chinese tobacco: Many men smoke, but Fu Manchu.

 Confucious say man standing on toilet is high on pot. 

Some people say my puns are sleep-inducing, but I keep laudanum anyways.

 One day the wind stopped blowing in Chicago and everyone fell down. 

When the Lord said, "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply!" He didn't necessarily have Math teachers in mind. 

One who does magic tricks with bandages is a wizard of gauze. 

The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled. 

The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin. 

We ought to rename summer "pride" because pride cometh before the fall. 

If life is like a bowl of cherries, what's the raisin for living? 

Plug a pizza in the socket and get a pizza delight. 

The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam. 

The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make light work." 

Spanish bullfighters use Oil of Ol face cream to beat wrinkles. 

Read the history of electronics of Biblical proportions: Solomon and Toshiba!
 
 

Hickory dickory dock
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
And the other two escaped with minor injuries. 
 
 

Old King Cole was very fond of cabbage. He sent out a decree that from then on, whenever anyone ate cabbage, it must be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise and bits of carrots. This is known today as Cole's Law. 
 
 

A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'NIL'. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness. The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, .... "Is Nothing Sacred? 
 
 

When Noah had finished sailing in the ark and was getting ready to end his long voyage, he said to all the animals, "We're coming to the mountains...we're going to land on Ararat." The cat popped his head up and exclaimed: "Is Ararat around?" 
 
 

One day while driving in a thunderstorm, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?"

 "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk." 
 
 

If Abe Lincoln were alive today, he would have become a baseball announceer before starting a career in politics, I can hear his strong voice on the radio stating, Yes folks, the Yankees were once in this game But that was
FOUR SCORES AND SEVEN ERRORS AGO. 
 
 

A hearse was taking a man to a cemetery on top of a mountain overlooking a small town. The driver took a curve too quickly causing the casket to roll out of the back and down a very long hill. There happened to be a pharmacy at the bottom of the hill and the casket rolled through the open loading dock door, down one of the aisles and right past the drug counter. As it rolled by a customer asked the pharmacist,
"DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO STOP THIS COFFIN"? 
 
 

Current Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, goes by the nickname "Bibi". His wife, in contrast to most Israeli "first ladies", plans to take a more activist role in her country's affairs. Thus, it would be appropriate when the first summit conference is held between Israel and the PLO to have Mrs. Netanyahu introduce her husband to the PLO leader Arafat by saying, "YASIR, THAT'S MY BIBI" 
 
 

Three brothers went out west to start a cattle ranch. They couldn’t think of an appropriate name for it so they wired their father for suggestions. He wired back,
"CALL IT FOCUS, FOR THAT’S WHERE THE SON’S RAISE MEAT." 
 
 

The story concerns a butcher who went into a petshop. He fell in love with one the seabirds in the shop. Alas, he had no money to spend, but the shop owner agreed to give him the bird in exchange for some of that delicious German sausage. It seems
HE TOOK A TERN FOR THE WURST!! 
 
 

Police in Kinshasa, Zaire have arrested a duck suspected of sorcery. The duck was taken into custody after shattering the windshield of a minibus. Passengers apparently blamed the "evil duck" for the accident...
POLICE SUSPECT FOWL PLAY... 
 
 

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicedt the overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu's who, if their ears were forward, predicted a successful, joyous year, but it their ears were laid back flat, predicted a sorrowful, disastrous year. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animals and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to check on the gnus. Well, she botched it, predicting a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. In explanation, the next winterthe local newspaper ran the following headline: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR! 
 
 

There are some happy medical sciences (pediatrics, obstetrics), but others are not so happy. A case in point concerns embryologists who tend to be a morose and saddened group. No wonder. One of the first things they learn is that OUR LIVES ARE OVA BEFORE THEY'VE BEGUN. 
 
 

A Indian goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. YOU'RE TWO TENTS." 
 
 

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "THEY'RE CARRION." 
 
 

After Mary Poppins became older, she gave up being a nanny and retired to the West Coast of the United States. After a while, she became bored and decided to open up a small detective agency specializing in solving crimes using her psychic ability and strong nose. She opened a small space on Hollywood Boulevard and posted her sign proudly. It read: "SUPER CALIFORNIA MYSTIC, EXPERT HALITOSIS." 
 
 

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
IT WENT IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE UDDER. 
 
 

Two carrots were walking down the road (which is not a thing carrots are wont to do, unless they wont to). Unfortunately, despite what your mother told you might come about if you eat carrots, these carrots did not have very good eyesight, and neither did a certain driver, who accidentally ran over one of the carrots.

 The injured carrot was taken to the hospital (via the shortest root possible). His friend spent hours pacing around the waiting room, worried sick. Finally, the doctor entered, and informed the carrot that he had (I know this will be a big surprise) some Good News and some Bad News. The carrot begged the doctor to tell him everything. 

"The good news," the doctor began, claiming the only quote in this story, "is that your friend is going to live. The bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
 
 

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

 "Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

 "I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"
 
 

Then when the ark had landed and the animals were walking off of it and onto the dry ground, Noah's son came to him and said, "I'm having trouble with the snakes, they won't get off." Noah turned to him and said, "Well, they have to get off. Go and persuade them." So Noah's son went to where the snakes were and said: "Please get off now. God wants you to live here. He wants you to be fruitful and multiply." The snakes shook their heads. "We can't do that...we're adders!" 
 
 

Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the rabbi of a local temple if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the rabbi outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the rabbi said and as he started to hand them the check a small raincloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the temple area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the temple the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more." 
 
 

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything." 
 
 

A mushroom went up to a pretty little girl and said, "Will you play with me?" The girl looked at him and said, "No." The mushroom frowned and asked, "Why won't you play with me?" The girl replied, "Because you are a mushroom." The mushroom smiled a big smile and said, "But you really should play with me...I'm a fun-gi!" 
 
 

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to collapse down on the King.

 Moral to the story is: He who lives in grass huts, shouldn't stow thrones. 
 
 

Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy go to the bank to apply for a loan. The loan officer, Mr. Paddywack, ask Kermit if he has any collateral. Kermit pulls out an ornate glass figurine of a soldier on a horse. "This is your collateral?" says Paddywack. "What's it supposed to be?"

 Replies Kermit, "It's a nick-nack, Paddywack, give a frog a loan!" 
 
 

There was once an eskimo named Kowalski who was always complaining about being cold, especially when he was out fishing in his seal-skin and blubber kayak. One of the other eskimos said, "Hey, Kowalski, if you're always cold why don't you light a fire in your kayak to keep warm!"

 This seemed logical to Kowalski, who on his next fishing trip took along a copy of the Eskimo Times and a few twigs for kindling. Soon, feeling the cold, he lit the fire. Being made of seal skin and blubber, the whole kayak burst into flames. This just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 
 
 

Every afternoon on his way home from the office, a doctor stopped at Dick's Bar and had a crushed almond daiquiri. Because the doctor was such a good customer, Dick always had it ready for him when he walked in the door.

 One afternoon Dick sees the doctor coming. When he goes to make the daiquiri, he realizes that he is all out of almonds. But he finds some hickory nuts. "What the heck," Dick says to himself. "He'll never know the difference." So he makes the daiquiri with crushed hickory nuts instead.

 The doctor sits down, takes a sip, and says, "Is this an almond dauquiri, Dick?" "No," says Dick with a smile. "It's a hickory dauquiri, Doc." 
 
 

Sitting Bull had 3 wives who were always quarreling about who should be number one. One was pretty, one was clever, and one was very strong. Finally, tired of their squabbles he told his medicine man to resolve the issue. The medicine man took the wives to his teepee where he had gathered pelts and hides from all over the world. He told each wife to choose a hide and sit on it in front of the sacred campfire. The clever wife chose a pelt of thick white fur, the strong wife chose a hide of orange and black stripes and the pretty wife chose a hide of rubbery grey leather. The medicine man then pointed to the pretty wife and said, "Behold chief, your number one wife." The chief was pleased, but the other two wives demanded an explanation. The medicine man said, "Even the ancient ones knew that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides." 
 
 

There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was their life's dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts.

 Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate's Compass to help them find their way. Unfortunately, it was discovered a little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South.

 Needless to say, all of the boy scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate's compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage, "He who has a Tate's is lost." (Say it out loud). 
 
 

At the height of the French Revolution, Robespierre, the man most responsible for the Reign of Terror, was determined to capture a bold and elusive count who was the head of an effective resistance movement near Versailles. 

Finally, the count was captures, but all efforts to persuade him to reveal the names of his associates failed. He was offered life imprisonment, plus the safety of his family. Still, he would not answer. They tried the rack, but he continued to refuse to talk. Finally, he was taken to the guillotine. At the very last moment, his nerve failed and he cried out, "I'll talk! I'll talk! I'll tell all!" Alas, the blade had already been released , and it severed the count's head clean as a whistle. 

Robespierre was outraged by the news and gave his executioner a terrific bawling out. "How often do I have to caution you," he thundered, ... "Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken!" 
 
 

Identical twin brothers were born and had to be separated at birth. The adoption agency placed the first boy with a Middle Eastern couple and they named their child Amahl. An Hispanic couple adopted the second twin and they named their son Juan. The two boys grew up. One day the blood relatives of the twins decided to have a family reunion and bring the twins back together to see each other for the first time since birth.

 Juan arrived first and his relatives greated him at the airport. Then they all waited for Amahl's plane to land. When it did, Amahl was not on it. Amahl had missed getting on his plane. As the disappointed relatives were leaving the airport, one of them said, "Well, they were identical twins and if you've see Juan, you've seen Amahl." 
 
 

Bo Johnson won first prize in the decathlon at the 1992 Olympic Games. As is the custom, his wife Judy was asked to present the wreath to the victor. It was Bo's first time in the Olympics, so he didn't know what to do with the wreath and just flung it over his arm! Immediately, a voice from the stands shouted, ... "Judy's garland goes somewhere over the brain, Bo!"

 Two dozen plus two athletes lined up to present the garland amidst a crowd of one hundred forty four onlookers. The athletes were cheering and laughing at Bo's mistake but the onlookers were not so gay. In other words, there were only ... Twenty-six smiles a gross to see. 
 
 

For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him.

 One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend.

 "How should I know?" the herring replied. "Am I my blubber's kipper?" 
 
 

The foreman at a coal mine in Scotland falls down a tunnel. The problem is this: the workmen can hear him shouting for help, but because of the echo, it's impossible to determine which of three adjacent tunnels he's fallen down. They want to lower rescue equipment to haul him out, but, being Scotsmen, they're cheap and don't want to waste time or money going down the wrong hole. So, they try this: they take a biscuit and tie a string around it, then they lower it down each hole to see if he'll grab for it -- they'd then know which tunnel to send the rescue equipment down.

 But, of course this didn't work. As we all know, a trolling scone gathers no boss. 
 
 

In conjunction with his retaliation against a coup attempt by a number of rebellious nobles, George I had a huge mahogany rack constructed intending to utilize it in punishing the leaders of the uprising. His advisors solved the problem of transporting the rack to the upcoming battle site, at a precipice overlooking the valley containing the enemy encampment by renting forty elephants and hiring an African engineer with reputed expertise in harnessing the huge beasts for productive labor. Unfortunately, shortly after their arrival at the scene, the elephants startled by nearby battle cries, stampeded, carrying the ranp with the African on it, tumbling down the hill, rolling over the opposition virtually destroying it. 

One of the survivors painfully arose, crying out, "What in creation was that?" An anguished companion stammered, "I’m not sure but it looked like a rambling rack from George’s attack and an elephant engineer." 
 
 

Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes, specialized in creating large animals for meat production. His death occurred during the development of a hog weighing over one ton. To take care of this huge animal, Dr. Beraid used almost eighty gorilla clones trained to carry out the mundane daily tasks. The hog had terrible bad breath. It was necessary after feeding the beat to force over 100 Chlorets down his throat before anyone could go into the lab. On the day of the doctor's death, one of the gorillas had spilled the deodorant tablets onto the ground. He became enraged and began beating the poor ape, and his brothers rioted. The police report detailed the event. ... Seventy-six strong clones fed the pig Beraid with a hundred and ten Chorets close at hand. 
 
 

In a monastery in Wyoming, everyday before breakfast the Superior would chant "Good Morning, Good Morning" and the Brothers would all chant back "Good Morning, Good Morning." There was only one problem with this morning chant, one Brother thought it was the stupidest thing in the world. He really hated it. One morning he decided that he would get them all back and hopefully stop this stupidity. That morning he went to breakfast and the Superior came in and chanted "Good Morning, Good Morning" and all the Brothers except the one chanted, "Good Morning, ..." At this the one Brother chanted as loud as he could, "Good Evening." Upon hearing this the Superior stood up and chanted "Someone Chanted Evening!" 
 
 

Three friars were banished from their monastary for various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They travelled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving. 

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home. 

Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." and all the people gave up and went home. A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it. 

When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again. 

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 
 
 

At one point, the Illustrious Feghoot was called in to help a struggling humanoid race on Phi-Omega 9. Their problem was desperate indeed. You see, virtually all of the land mass of the planet was composed of a series of very high mesas and plateaus. The rain, rather than falling on the top of the plateaus, would be expended on the sides. This made farming virtually impossible, so the hapless humanoids were trapped in the stone age, neither able to farm effectively nor develop the technology to irrigate the high mesas.

 Of course, the poor aliens called upon Ferdinand Feghoot, the illustrious time traveler and philanthropist, to aid them.

 Upon arriving, Feghoot looked over the situation and immediately hit upon a solution. He instructed the aliens to dig a trench up the side of the closest platuea, and sent off to Earth for 90 tons of pickles. Once the aliens had ceased digging, Feghoot had them lay the pickles side by side, end to end, along the entire length of the trench. Immediately the water began to flow up the trench and onto the plateau.

 The aliens were astounded. "We knew you were a brilliant man, but this is beyond our wildest dreams. We do not understand, though, why the water flows uphill simply because of the presence of pickled cucumbers. What makes this amazing thing occur?"

 Feghoot, with a condescending but genial air, replied, "Simple, my boy. We've known it on Earth for centuries. Indeed, every school child knows that 'Dill Waters run Steep'" 
 
 

A man goes into his dentist's office with a terrible pain in his jaw. Soon enough, he's in the chair and the doctor starts probing with his metal pick. 

"Does this hurt?" he asks, as his patient's knuckles whitened. Finally the dentist stood back and asked: 

"Do you eat lots of candy?" 

"No." 

"Do you drink lots of soda pop?" 

"Very seldom." 

"Have you been brushing every day?" 

"Yes doctor, three times a day." 

"Well, I can't think of anything that's causing all the cavities you have. Can you think of anything?"

 "Well, I do like hollandaise sauce an awful lot." 

"Hollandaise sauce?" 

"Yes, I love the stuff. I have it on everything. On toast, eggs, cereal, ice-cream, pancakes, and so on. I just can't get enough of it!" 

"Well, I'll tell you what, let me put in a plate and see if it helps." 

The dentist put a plate into his patients mouth, and sent him on his way, with instructions to come back in six months for a check-up. The months passed quickly enough, and soon the man was back into the chair. 

"Doc, I can't believe it! Since you put that plate in, I've had no problems with my teeth at all! What was it made of anyway?" 

"It was a chrome plate." 

"Chrome? Why a chrome plate?" 

"Well you know," said the dentist... 

"THERE'S NO PLATE LIKE CHROME FOR THE HOLLANDAISE!!!" 
 
 

A Panda sauntered into an old West saloon, sat down and told the bartender, "Give me a sandwich and a beer." The bartender had met a lot of strange characters and knew it was important to keep his cool. Without a word, he slapped a ham sandwich and a cold frosty one in front of the bear. The Panda, having been on the trail for some time, gulped down the sandwich and washed it down with the beer. Then he pulled out his six-shooter and plugged the piano player right between the eyes. 

The Panda holstered his gun and began to leave. The bartender pulled his shotgun out from under the bar and yelled, "What's the big idea?" 

The bear slowly turned and said, "Well ... what did you expect?" 

"I sure didn't expect you to shoot my piano player!" the bartender yelled. "Good help is hard to find, and besides ... you still owe me for lunch." 

"I'm a Panda," replied the bear, "Look it up." And with that, he left. 

The bartender was too amazed to do anything. He put his shotgun on the bar, reached down, pulled out his dictionary and turned to the entry for "Panda." 

"Damn," he muttered and realized there was nothing he could do. There it was in black and white, written by an authority no less than Noah Webster himself: 

"Panda n. A large bear-like animal of the mountains of China and Tibet, with distinctive white and black markings. 

EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES." 

It was extremely unusual for a Foy to be dying on earth, as they were virtually was believed that this was due to the fact that every Foy had five large hearts. This Foy, however, was forlorn because of an unattainable love affair and had lost the will to live. Maude Stevens, earth's foremost zenobiologist, wished to study the Foy's hearts to deterrmine the cause of their longevity, but had been unable to do so because of the Foy's taboo against dismemberment.

 She asked Ray Jones, the Foy's only human friend for help. Roy spoke to the Foy, telling him that if he consented to the autopsy, the Mormon Tabernacle Chior, led by John Harold, would sing a dirge for him that would be powereful enough to transfer his soul immediately to his home planet of Sortibackenstrete. The Foy did not make an immediate decision until the last minute, when on his deathbed he called his friend to his side and told him,
GIVE MY BIG HEARTS TO MAUDE, RAY. DISMEMBER ME FOR HAROLD'S CHOIR. TELL ALL THE FOYS ON SORTIBACKENSTRETE THAT I WILL SOON BE THERE..."

 (Thanks to Isac Asimov for this story) 
 
 

Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee. 

And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was given the title of Shan.

 It soon transpired that all was not well with the young Shan and wise men were summoned from all over the kingdom to the palace. They examined the Shan carefully; then they instructed the scribes to write out enormous bills,; then they informed the Shah and the Shahnee that their son, the Shan, heir to the Peacock Throne, was epileptic.

 Now in those days there was no Medicare or super-efficient public or private hospital system such as we enjoy in Australia today; there was not much that could be done about his condition. 

So the wise men got together, got their scribes to write out some more enormous bills and recommended to the Shah that he appoint some special bodyguards to take care of the Shan and watch over him all the time.

 And it was so. Everywhere the little Shan went, the bodyguard went, too, watching over him and taking care of him.

 For a while, all was well, but then, one day, when many months had passed without any untoward incident, the bodyguard grew complacent. The time came when he left the Shan alone while he indulged in amorous dalliance with one of the ladies of the court.

 And of course, it was at this time that the young Shan had an epileptic seizure and, being unattended injured himself.

 Great was the commotion in the Palace and the Shah waxed wroth. Summoning the bodyguard into his presence he angrily demanded, "Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?" 
 
 

The Sesame Street Bus company hires a new driver named Harry. Driving the bus along the route, Harry is flagged down by two very overweight ladies. Greeting them cheerfully, Harry says "Hi, I'm Harry" to which the first lady replies "My name is Patty." The second lady says "My name is also Patty." Harry resumes his route, and is flagged down at the next bus stop by two people, presumably father and son. "Hi, I'm Harry," he says. The young boy says "Hi, I Ross, and I'm special." The father answers "I'm Lester......ACHOO!" They take their seats, and Lester continues with the sneezing. Harry shrugs, and continues on the route. Harry is flagged at the next stop by a wino who is clearly tanked. "Hi, I'm Harry." "I'm.....I'm....I'm Sonny....," the drunk stammers. Harry continues on his route. Eventually, everyone gets off, and his shift is over. Back at the station, his boss asks about the passengers he had that day, to which he replied:

 Two all-beef Patties,
Special Ross,
Lester sneeze,
Pickled Sonny
On a Sesame Street Bus....
 
 

Reporter: "I hear you have just hired a press agent to publicize your teachings."

 Philosopher: "Yes, that's correct. This press agent has just been assigned to distribute my precepts to the wide world. He claims he can spread my message with great speed."

Reporter: "Could you share some of these precepts with us?"

 Philosopher: "I would be delighted: `A stitch in time saves nine'; `A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush'; and `A penny saved is a penny earned.'"

 Reporter: "Those are very familiar sayings already."

 Philosopher: "I told you he worked fast!"
 
 

When King Arthur woke up in the mornings, he'd rush down the staircases of Castle Camelot to see if there was any post for him. Quite often there wasn't - and he was bitterly disappointed - but one day he found an envelope with his name on sitting on the drawbridge mat. Excited, Arthur rushed upstairs to see Guinevere and to show her his letter.

 "Well, dear," she yawned, "open it up, let's see what you've been sent."

 So Arthur opens up this envelope, and gets out a piece of parchment. And it says:
 
 

"Dear Arthur,

 I am writing to inform you of Morgana Le Fey's exciting new range of spells. Whatever your wizardry requirements, Morgana's is the place to be."
 
 

"I'm sure you agree," it went on, "that such your friends and acquaintances would benefit from such quality goods. Please, therefore, have your scribe copy this letter out ten times, and send copies to ten of your friends."

 Arthur snorted at the nerve of this, and read on.

 "A free demonstration of Morgana's amphibian transmogrification potion has been arranged, by the way, for anyone who doesn't comply. She'll know if you've read it, and she'll know if you haven't informed your friends of her great offers. And she'll be angry. Oh yes. And it'll be widdup-widdup for you in future."

 Now Arthur was a popular member of the community, and soon had another, similar letter, forwarded to him. Then another. And another. And yet more... But Merlin advised him to retain the letters, and retain them he did, until he had a magnificent question of these letters.

 A few months later, war broke out, and it was not long before Arthur's knights were called into battle against the evil forces of Morgana Le Fey and her diabolical, illegitimate son Mordred.

 Arthur's forces went into battle, but, thanks to Morgana's scheme to beat the competition in the magic potion business, Arthur triumphed. His forces were well protected. Merlin had been right...

 ...They were lucky they'd kept all that chain mail. 
 
 

Once upon a time, there was a small village called Trid nestled in chain of huge mountains. The peasents who lived in this town were very poor (as peasents usualy are) because every year the king sent his tax collector out to take almost all of the food that the peasents grew.

 One year, when the tax collector went to retreive his annual tax, none of the peasents had any food at all, claiming that the giant who lived in the mountains had stolen all that they had.

 Being unable to collect the taxes, (or to find anything else worth taking) the tax collector returned to the king to bring him the news that there would be no taxes this year and to relay the story of the giant in the mountains. When the king of Trid heard of this he was outraged and ordered 100 of his bravest soldiers to go to the mountains, slay the giant, and bring back the lost crops. The soldiers began to march up a steep mountain path, but before they had gone too far, the giant appeared from around a corner and kicked all of the sodiers off a nearby cliff. Only one soldier escaped death and he, being a good soldier, returned quickly to the king and told him of their misfourtions, after which he died of internal injuries. 

The king was now even angrier, and ordered 200 soldiers, led by a preist, to march up the mountain and recover the crops. The soldiers instanly set off up the steep path, but around the same corner the giant came again and kicked all of the soldiers (and the preist) off the cliff. Once agin, one man returned to the king to retell his sad story. The King of Trid was now FURIOUS and orderd 500 soldiers, led by a rabbi, to attempt the same mission.

 Once again the solders reached the cliff and were greeted by the horendous giant kicking them off the cliff. Everybody was knocked off execept for the old rabbi, who watched the others meet their demise and then saw the giant turn to walk away. "Giant," the rabbi called, "why have you killed all of these men but spared me, an old rabbi?" The giant turned again, walked to the rabbi and gently patted him on the head as he said, 
"Silly rabbi, Kicks are for Trids."