Scene 6 (In Joker's hideout) Lisa: (crawling in a window) Hello? Anyone here? Amanda? Joker? Harley Quinn? Important message for- Ahhh! ( Lisa did not realize that the instruments were piled up under the window, and she falls into them, making a loud crash. In a moment, Joker, Harley, and all the henchmen are there with their guns on Lisa) wait, stop, no! DON'T KILL THE MESSENGER!! Joker: That sounds reasonable. (Guns are lowered) we'll torture her instead. Lisa: No!! Joker: Just kidding. Can't you take a joke? Hahahaha! so, what is your message? Lisa: Message, message. . . . (She searches her pockets.) I know I've got it somewhere. Maybe I shoved it in my socks, (she takes off her shoes and socks and looks through them) nope. Maybe my jacket. ( She takes thatoff and looks through it too) nope ( she takes off each article of clothing, searches it, then lays it aside. Soon, she is down to her underwear) Damn! I know I brought it. Oh! I know! I maybe I dropped it in one of the instrument cases. ( Joker and his Henchmen politely turn their backs while Lisa redresses) Hm, flute case, nope. Saxaphone case, nope. Tuba case, nope. Trumpet case, nope. Baritone case, yes!! Here it is!! Now I just hope I can read Dana's handwriting. . Dear Joker Dude, His henchmen, and Henchgirl Harley Quinn, Hi, I am Dana, the secret identity of Kick-ass girl. I would like to politely ask you to please release Amanda from your control. We all miss her a lot, and it would really be the right thing to do. And if you do not, we will have to enforce our namesakes and attempt to kick your asses. We are hoping that this will frighten you into letting Amanda go, because we know that if we are forced to try to kick your asses, we will probably fail miserably, and get ourselves kidnapped, and most probably killed, and go through a lot of pain in the process. Thank you for your time and effort. Most sincerely, Kick-ass girl and side-kick-ass girl. Joker: Great! tell them no. Lisa: Are you sure? Joker: Of course, Oh,no wait, I forgot, you can't tell them. Lisa: why not? Joker: Because you're never going to see them again!!! Hahahaha!! Lisa: No! Don't kill the messenger!! Joker: Oh, all right, we'll just kidnap you. do you want to come quietly, or would you rather put up a pitiful attempt to escape, be overpowered by us, be tied up while we hold you down, and be dragged kicking and screaming to the room where you are to be held? Lisa: Ohh, the second one please. I've always wanted to fight evildoers. Whether I win or lose, it's the fun and excersice that counts. Joker: okay then, Woukd you like my men to attack all at once, or stand around in a circle, and politely wait their turn to attack you one by one? Lisa: One by one, please. Joker: Fistfight or catfight? Lisa: Catfight. Now that should be interesting. Joker: Allright then. Everyone ready? Good. Go!! (Then men begin to atack her one by one. She pounces on the first one, biting, scratching, and pulling his hair) First man: OW! OOOW!! Okay, ok, call the next guy in. (Second man attacks. Lisa bites his hand) Second man: OW!!! (He flings her away, throwing her through the open window) Lisa: (from outside) Yay!! I won!! Sort of. ( Joker stares dumbfounded. Harley unsuccessfully tries to supress her giggles) Scene 7 (Lisa, Justine, and Dana sit around discussing what they are going to do) Dana: Great. Just great. No way he's gonna back down now. Lisa: Yeah. Oh well, no use dwelling on it. Justine: Costume time! Lisa: I got them all figured out. Dana, you will have a dark green outfit witha K printed on the front, and an A printed on the back. You'll also wear bright blue underwear over your outfit, with a shoe imprint on the butt. One of your sleeves will say Kick, and the other will say @#%!. One of your legs will say kick, and the other @#%!. Justine, your costume will be the same, except bright blue with dark green underwear. You'll also have SK printed on the front instead of just K. And your arms will say side. Dana: Oh, Man! Justine: Do we have to wear these? Dana: Are they going to be made of spandex? Justine: what about our secret identities? Lisa: No, they are going to be made of that cheap shiny stuff. The kind that frays really easily. And you're both going to have ,asks to match your underwear. Dana: Cool! Justine: We get to look stupid and no one will know who we are! Dana: Yes! Lisa, are you coming with us when we go to attempt to fulfill our namesakes for the first time? Lisa: No, I think I'll stay where I am safe. Outside the window. No one ever kills the coward. Or the virgin. Justine: Yes! That means we are all going to live, right? Dana: Um, ahem! Yeah, um, sure, ok. Anyway, here Lisa, take this. Lisa: what is it? Dana: A walkie talkie. I'll beep you if we need backup. Justine and I are going to the gym for a while to train for tonight. Can you have our costumes done in about three hours? Lisa: Sure, I'm an expert seamstress. Dana: Good. Bye. Lisa: Bye! Justine: Bye! Scene 8 (The three girls are walking down the street in their costumes. Lisa is in black.) Dana: I cannot believe we couldn't get some Kick-ass transportation. (Some dudes give them weird looks) Yeah, well, same to you. Lisa: I'm walking with you as far as that corner, then I refuse to be seen with you. Justine: I can't believe we didn't get kick-ass equiptment. like grappling hooks and stuff. Lisa: I got you guys equiptment! Dana: Sorry, but two rolls of masking tape just doesn't cut it. Lisa: It's better than nothing. And besides, that was all my allowance could cover. Justine: Hey, look, it makes great handcuffs. And you can stick it to stuff too! (Justine sticks her hands into the masking tape roll) Hey, I can't get out! Help! Help! Scene 9 (back at Joker's hideout) Joker: Ok, now, my sweet, we have two basic choices. Harley: I'm listening. Joker: we can sit here and weait for Kick-ass girl and her little sidekick toshow up, or we can give the boys a night off and have a party in here, all by ourselves. . . Harley: Really? We haven't done that in months, Puddin'! Joker: Well, Batsy hasn't been sick in months.. . Dana: (From the other room) Attention Evildoer! Beware for, I am, . . . OUCH!! ( crash, bang, bump) Ow! Lisa, why didn't you tell me that all the instruments were piled here? Lisa: You didn't ask! (Joker and Harley come rushing in) Joker: Wonderful! It's the hero wannabe brats. Harley: Can't you guys come back tomorrow? Me an' my Puddin' were just about to. . Dana: Nope, I'm sorry, I have to work tomorrow. Joker: Oh, all right. Call in the men. (Harley Sighs and sticks her head out the door) Harley: Moe, Larry, Curly! Sorry, guys! Mr. J changed his mind. We have some unexpected, expected guests. Men: (Whining) Oooh! Dana: I'm sorry, I would do it tomorrow, but I can't afford anymore time off from work. Justine: Hello. I am Side-kick-ass girl, and this is Kick-ass girl. It's nice to meet you, Mr Joker, Mr Henchmen, and Ms. quinn. Harley: Call me Harley. Everyone does. Joker: A pleasure I'm sure. So nice of you to join us, but I'm afraid we simply can't do what you ask of us. So we're just going to have to resort to rumbling. Ifd we win, we';ll kidnap ytou as wewll, so herre's a few choicewsd. Justine: Lisa already told us about the choices. Dana: we prefer to put up the fight. Justine: one by one, Dana: And Catfighting. Justine: but please be careful abouit my hair. I spent hours putting it into place so it would look just perfect in my costume. oh, and I have a very sensitive right elbow, so try to stay away from it. If you have to break one, break the left please. Joker: I'll be the refree. Remember girels, no hits below the belt, and boys, remember, these are ladies. No hits above the rib cage. And please try to avoid the faces. All right,. . . Have at it. (They go at it. Dana deftly fight them, while Justine justs sort of bites and scratches a bit) Justine: Hey, OW! Dana, I'll be right back. I'm thirsty. (She disapears into the kitchen) Dana: Hey, wait! NO! Ha, ha, take that, (punch) and that (kick) and that (scratch) Ow! I'd better call for backup. I don't think I can handle three. (Dana picks up the walkie talkie and tries to get lisa to answer) (The scene switches to Lisa outside the window. She holds the walkie talkie up to her ear) Lisa: hello? Hello!! (She looks at it) How the heck do you work this thing? Hello?!! (Scene switches back) Dana: (Fighting and holding the walkie talkie at the same time) Come on, Lisa, pick up!! Ow, ow! Help! (Scene switches back) Lisa: (desperatly pushing buttons) Come, on, go on!! There, maybe that's it. >From phone: Hello! Woo Shong's chinese food delivery. Woo Shong never delivers wrong. Lisa: I guess not. (Scene switches back) Dana: oh well, forget it. I'm outta here. Good bye! (She jumps out the window) Scene 10 Dana: You press OK Lisa: oh. I get it Dana: Then you press TALK to talk. Lisa: Got it. Dana: You know, I have the strangest feeling we forgot something. Lisa: Hmmm, I don't think so. Dana: Oh well. Scene 11 (Harley, The Joker, and henchmen sit around, celebrating their semi-victory. The henchmen play pool, while the Joker and Harley sip champenge. Justine walks in from the kitchen) Justine: Sorry I took so long Dan- I mean, Kick-ass girl, But I saw the coolest magazine, called Homicidal Maniacs Digest It was so good! We should really get a subscription to. . . Dana? Kick-ass girl? Where did she go? Joker: (Everyone looks at each other, puzzled, them sinister grins appear on their faces) She left. Justine: (Ulp!) Ummmm, Ok then. . . I'll take the kicking and screaming while being tied up, etc, the everyone attack at once tactic, and, well not really catfighting, but nothing to hurt too much, and as I said before, watch the hair, and the right elbow. Joker: Would you like a ten-second head start to so you get that being stalked type of feeling? Justine: Sure, why not? Oh, and can I be held with Amanda? Joker: We-ell, . . . Hmmm. Justine: Pleeeese??? Pretty, pretty, pleese, with a cherry on top? And sprinkles, and stuff??? I promise not to try to escape!! Joker: And to stay tied up? Justine: Uh-huh. Joker: And not to contact your little Kick-ass friends? Justine: Uh- huh. Joker: And not to stay up too late talking? Justine: I guess. Joker: What do you think, Harley? Harley: Aww, let 'um. Joker: Well, all right. Justine: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, soooooooo much!! Harley, Kiss him for me. Harley: Gladly (she obliges) Joker: Ok, thirty second headstart. . . . GO!! ( Justine runs off) One, . . two, . . Oh, what the hell, just go. (The men run off after her) Now, my sweet, Dinner, champegne, couch, bed. . . Where were we? Harley: Just finishin' up the Champegne, Puddin'. Joker: (Grabbing onto her pigtails) Let's skip it and go straight to the couch. Harley: Fine by me. (The sound of the battle in the other room reaches us, and the lights go out on Joker and Harley's kiss) Scene 12 Amanda: La, la, la, being kidnapped sucks. I wish I had my flute. I wish I could move my hands. La, la, la, I haven't moved from this position in three days, and I can no longer feel my toe. And I really, really, really have to pee. That's my song, la, la, la. (Door opens, and Justine enters, carried by a henchman. She is all tied up, and deposited on the floor. The henchman locks the door and leaves) Justine: Amanda!! You're ok!! Amanda; Justine!! I'm so glad to see you!! Tough I do wish you were here to untie me rather than be tied up yourself. Justine: Me too. Amanda: Want to hear my song? Justine: Ok. (Amanda sings it) Gorgeous. Amanda: You wouldn't happen to have any food on you, would you? Justine: Nope. When do we eat? Amanda: When ever Harley visits us. Justine: And when to we get to use the bathroom? Amanda: Same time. Justine: Let's try this. (She slithers over to the door, and sticks her mouth near the keyhole and screams) HEY HENCHDUDES!! COULD WE GET SOME SANDWICHES OR SOMETHING?? AND WE REALLY HAVE TO PEE!! (The door opens up and a henchman enters. He shoves cotton in Justine's mouth and gags her. Then he leaves) Amanda: That was effective. At least you got some attention. Justine: Eeo, uh, ah oooh. uu, uh. Amanda: Good night Justine. Justine: Oooh, ii. Scene 13 (we see dana putting her costume away. She picks up the two packages and looks at them puzzled.) Dana: Oh, man!! Lisa: (enters) what? Dana: I remember what we forgot. Lisa: What? Dana: The other costume. Lisa: Darn!! How did we do that? Dana: No clue. Scene 14 (The next morning. Amanda is awake, trying to wake Justine up) Amanda: Justine! Justine!! JUSTINE!!! Justine:Yeah. . .Huh,. . . what?. . Oh! Good morning. Amanda: Good morning. Hungry? Justine: No, not really. I think I ate the gag in my sleep. Amanda: Oh. Okay. Ew!! You ate a gag? Do you know where that has been? Justine: In my dream it was a fruit-roll-up. Amanda: I'm not even gonna ask. Anyway, it's almost time for Harley to visit. Justine: Really? She actually come in to visit? She talkks to you? Amanda: yup. She like to hear stories about all my friends. She says it reminds her of the days before she went bonkers. When she was a normal person. Justine: Harley? Normal? No. . . Amanda: Well, not quite normal, but before she met Mr. J. And She like to hear stories about Rason. She wants to know what kind of relationships normal kids like me have. Justine: Rason? Rason Jiley? The Dutch kid? Amanda: Yeah, the one I'm going out with but wish I wasn't. Justine: Yeah, when are you going to break up with the poor guy? Amanda: That's what she says. And she also likes to tell me about all the times she and her Puddin' tried to kill each other. Justine: How many were there? Amanda: So far, seven. Harley: (enters) Hi Amanda. And Former Side-Kick-Ass girl. Amanda: Harley, this is Justine. Harley: Your the one we took last night, right? Justine: Uh-huh. Hi Harkey, guess what? You're my favorite Villainess. I think you're soooo cool, you're my idol. Harley: Really? Yah! I'm someone's idol! Justine: Yup. When I grow up, I want to be psychotic masochist in an abusive relationship with a homocidal clown, Just like you. Harley: Oh, this is so touching. (tears form in her eyes) Justine: And you have to teach me all that cool gymnastics stuff, and all that other cool stuff. Harley: Ok, I promise. (they embrace, sort of) Ok, anyway, here, I brought you guys sandwiches. Cheese sandwiches. Justine: Of course. I love Cheese sandwiches. Harley: Amanda, have you decided what to do about Rason, the Pennsylvanian Dutch kid? Justine: He's Pennsylvanian Dutch? Amanda: No. I guess I'll just have to break up with him. Harley: I was in a similar situation once. I had a knock of fof Mr. J fall in love with me. Amanda: Well what did you do about it? Justine: Tell us about it!! Harley: This reporter did a story on Mr. J, all about how that bad ol' B-man threw him into a vat of chemicals, and made him all crazy. Of course, If he had never done that, I never would have gotten to meet my Puddin'! Anyway, Me, Mr, J, and the rest of the gang showed up. We couldn't let them do a documentary on our boss, without us! Anyway, before we were finished, Mr. J accedentaly dropped this guy in a vat of some . . . stuff. Which reacted with My Puddin's laughing gas and turned him into a yellow-skinned Wacky man. So the wacky man got himself a weird costume and jumped around town stealin' Mr. J's act. Anyway, it happened to be Mr J's anniversary, and so I spent hours baking a puding pie, just for him. I gave the boys the night off so it could just be me and my Lovin' swetheart. When he walked in, I rose up out of the pie. It was so perfect, I even had a little song for him. Happy Aniversary Mr. J! You're really swell and Ok. It's seven years to the day, Take the night off, let's play! But he wasn't in a party mood and so he told me to go find the creep who wasstealin' his act. Then he threw me out. Literally, by the hair!! And he didn't even like my cooking!! I spent hours on that pie, and not even a Thank-You!! And I made it all nice, and. . . well anyway, I went out to do what he told me to, and and I meet up with the Moe, Larry, and Curly. Only they were entangled in a fight with the Creep. So the creep takes one look at me, and falls for me, howling, like a wolf. Yuck!! I wanted nothing to do with that loser! Amanda: So what did you do about it? Harley: What Mr. J has taught me to do with any problem. I tried to kill him. I dropped a three ton statue on him. Amanda: Somehow, I don't think I'll end up doing that to Rason. Justine: So what happened next? Harley: It didn't work. He survived, of course. You know all the ones I try to kill end up being Chemically mutated or something. It's so annoying. He came after me again. Amanda: After you dropped a three ton statue on him?? Harley: Someday, you'll understand the workings of the male mind. When you do, tell me, because I don't have a clue. Anyway, this yellow skinned wacky man started chasing me, so I ran back home to my Puddin'. And he followed me, crashing right through the wall! Declaring his love for me, and vowing revenge on my poor, innocent Puddin' for accidently dropping him into a vat of condensed hormones. It wasn't Mr. J's fault!! I promised Mr. J that I hadn't even encouraged him, but that was ok, because he knows I'm a one-man loon. We had the situation more or less under control, when who shows up, but Batman, screwing everything up. Mr J and I grabbed a car, and got ourselves out of there as fast as we could. But then, the Creep grabs Mr J's car and chases us! And way, we ran to this old dumpster. The car went off a ledge, and exploded, and we hung on for our dear lives onto this HUGE, garbage heap. The creep somehow managed tojoin us up there, and he threw my Puddin' off!! So my poor Puddin' falls about three feet, and Batman slaps batcuffs on him. Me and the creep where left on top of the dump heap. I'm trin' to get away, and he's not letting me. Then, suddenly Batman shows up and sticks the Creep full of some sedative. He falls asleep on top of me, of course. Mr. J and I got our butts thrown back into arkham,and I don't know what happened to the Creep. Amanda: A sedative. Now that's an idea. Justine: What's Arkham like? Harley: It's not so bad. We get thrown in there about once, every other month, and we escape after about a week. And it's always someplace to go, if we don't have anywhere else. When me and my Puddin' get in afight, if Ivy's not availible, I just go to Arkham. Justine: That is so cool. Harley: And we don't even have to serve our week this month, since Batman's got the flu. Justine: Harley, can you do us a favor? Harley: Yeah? Justine: Cold you untie us for awhilke? Amanda: Yeah, my butt hurts from sitting for so long. Justine: And we both really have to pee. Harley: Sure. Scene 15 (Dana and Lisa discuss their plans) Lisa: So, you're going to attack tonight, right? Dana: No, we're going to attack. Lisa: We? No, you. You are the superhero, you attack. I am a messenger,I do nopt fight, I do not get killed. Dana: Unfortunatley, this is not a job I can handle on my own. This is a we job, not a me job. Lisa: But we don't even have the othe costume!! Dana: We'll just have to go and get it, then fight. Lisa: Let's compromise. You fulfill your namesake, I get the othe rcostume, and save Amanda. Dana: No, we go get the costume, you put it on, and then we both fulfill our namesakes. You are being promoted to Side-Kick-ass girl. Lisa: But I can't fight!! Dana: Sure you can. Just pretend they are all your Ex-boyfriend, Jason. Lisa: April's cousin? Dana: Yup. Lisa: Wow, it's working!! It's all coming clear now!! Yes, Yes!! I can do it, I CAN DO IT!! Let's go!! I am SOOOO ready!! Yes!! Yes!! YES!!!