Title: Dear Bill … (1/1)
Author: Tanja
E-mail address: voet@tanja-myrna.demon.nl or tanyavoet@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13
Keywords: Scully Angst, reference to MSR and post-Requiem (again …)
Summary: Dana writes a letter to big brother Bill to give him a piece of 
her mind …

Archiving: Gossamer & Shipperworld always, anywhere else, please let me 
know.

Disclaimer: They're not mine, but I don't have a life, so please just let 
me use them for this one little story *g*?

Author's notes: Too much coffee + not being able to sleep = crazy and mean 
ideas entering my mind and turn themselves into a fic. ;) If you like Bill 
Scully, leave now, this is not to offend anyone, but I'm not too kind to 
him in this fic ? Sorry, guess you can make out of this that I'm not a big 
fan of him. Though I'm sure he has his good sides too.

Dedication: Jo and Traci, two wonderful friends!

Dear Bill … (1/1)

Dear Bill,

You are probably wondering why I didn't tell you this earlier, why I didn't 
tell you this face-to-face. Why mom and a few friends have known about this 
for some time already, while you had no idea. I have decided to write you, 
because I do not want to see the look on your face when I tell you this. To 
tell you the truth, if it hadn't been necessary I might not even have told 
you, but I have to tell you sooner or later. Would the situation have been 
different, would your behavior over the last couple of years have been 
different, it would have been sooner than later. 

Eight years ago I was partnered with a man you have disliked from the 
beginning. You disliked him before you even met him. A man who is, 
according to you, cause of all the bad things that happened over the years, 
to me and to our family. You judged, without giving him one chance.  A good 
man, Bill. Even though you apparently don't agree with that. 

What you seem to ignore or don't want to accept is that he didn't force me 
to stay with him. What if I would say that he tried to get me transferred 
more than once? Right in the beginning, immediately after we were 
partnered, because he didn't trust me. After I disappeared, because he 
trusted me, but didn't want me to get hurt. After I got sick, because he 
didn't want me to get hurt and after Emily died, because he didn't want me 
to get hurt.  Do you see a pattern here, Bill? Mulder does NOT want me to 
get hurt. He loves me. He wants to protect me, but not everything can or 
wants to be protected.

Because that is what it was actually like, Bill. He doesn't force me to 
stay, I chose to stay. So if there is anyone you want to blame, blame me. 
Blame me for Melissa dying and blame me for disappearing and blame me for 
getting sick. But know this, Mulder isn't the one who hurts me, you do. 
Again and again, every time you show me, tell me you don't approve of the 
choices I make. Don't approve of the life I chose.

And that brings me to the main reason for writing you this letter. Like I 
said, I do not want to see the look of disapproval on your face. I will no 
longer listen to your words, telling me that I am so wrong and you are so 
right. I love him; Bill and I will not allow you to turn something 
beautiful into something ugly. Something so right into something so wrong. 
I let you do it too long and now the time has come to put an end to that.

Five months ago we were working on a case in Oregon and Mulder disappeared. 
Until now he hasn't been found. And the last five months I have been 
searching and I have been hurting, because he wasn't there. For so long 
there was the two of us and all of a sudden I was back on my own again. 

Imagine it would have been Tara, Bill. What would you have done in my 
place? Imagine you would be the one crying yourself asleep at night. 
Scared, alone, not knowing what the next day will bring, not knowing if you 
will ever see her again. Fearing that your child will have to grow up 
without his mother. 

Because that is what it feels like to have the person you love taken away 
from you. I cried and I was angry and I even denied it. I tried to do it on 
my own and found I couldn't. I needed my friends and they were and are 
there for me.  They too are worried, they too miss him and they too don't 
know if we will find him or not. But they are there and that is in the end 
what matters most. 

Two days before he disappeared we got married and the day after he 
disappeared I realized I was pregnant. Against all beliefs, after I was 
told I was barren and would never be able to conceive children of my own, I 
am pregnant. I never imagined that it would be like this. I didn't even 
expect to get pregnant in the first place and I sure as hell didn't expect 
to be pregnant, while my husband is out there somewhere, missing. Not even 
knowing I'm pregnant, I didn't even have the chance to tell him, because I 
didn't know at that time. 

I don't know if our son or daughter will ever know his or her father. I 
hope he will, but I also have to be realistic. He might not come back and 
if he doesn't I have to go on with my life. A life without him, no matter 
how difficult that might be and no matter how painful it would be. He would 
want me to. But whether Mulder does or doesn't come back, I will no longer 
accept your sneering and denigrating remarks towards him. It's fairly 
simple: either you accept that I love him; you will accept that we are 
married and soon will have a child or you won't. 

I took my decision, I chose the man I love and the family we will have. 
It's your choice whether you want to be a part of that family or not.
 
Sincerely yours,
 
Dana

The end

Am I too harsh? Man I can be such a bitch sometimes. Oh well, case closed, 
damage done … Feedback welcome!