Intro Song - Histeria! March
Intro - 1917
Big Fat Baby: [shivers]
Father Time: Today, live from 1917, Histeria presents...
Loud: The Russian Revolution!
Crowd: The Russian Revolution!
Kid Chorus: The Russian Revolution!
Miss Info: The Russian Revolution!
Froggo: The Russian Revolution!
WOW: I'm not rushin' anywhere 'til I pass this kidney stone!
Waaaah!
Big Fat Baby slips and goes head first into the snow next to Father Time.
Father Time: The revolution that shook the world is about to begin on...
Loud: Histeria!
Pepper: Histeria! Ah haa ha haah haa!
Charity: Histeria.
All: Histeria!
BFB: Da!
Sketch #1 - (Song) Peace, Land, and Bread
(Commercial Break)
Sketch #2 - 1925, Sergei Eisenstein & Soviet Cinema
Father Time: The Year: 1925. The Place: Soviet Russia.
Big Fat Baby: Bolsheviks--bleeah!
Father Time: The tsar was long gone.
Leon Trotsky: And the Communist Party controlled the nation.
Miss Info: At the same time, moving pictures were starting to make a
major impact around the world.
WOW: The power of film was not lost on the Communists.
[to Stalin] The power of your breath is another story. P.U.!
Leon Trotsky: Soviet Cinema was blooming. Its purpose was not for art,
but for propaganda. To spread Communist ideas and keep the
revolution alive.
Father Time: So, in 1925, Soviet filmmaker Sergei Eisenstein was asked to
make a film about an early chapter in the Russian revolution.
The film was called The Battleship Potemkin.
Miss Info: And it told the story of a 1905 mutiny aboard the battleship
Potemkin, and the tsar's response! A brutal attack on
peaceful demonstrators in the seaside town of Odessa. Stay
together, people!
Father Time: The film, hailed as a masterpiece, would change the face of
cinema forever. And would make Sergei Eisenstein one of the
world's great directors.
In Odessa, Eisenstein (voiced similarly to Nostradamus) throws down his
script and goes into a panic.
Eisenstein: No, no, no, no, no, ahh!! Cut!!
Father Time: But it was not an easy shoot.
Eisenstein: Peoples! We are behind the schedule and over the budget!
So pay me close attention or to a distant labor camp you'll
be going!
Toast: Road trip! Excellent.
Eisenstein: Okay, for you new actors just arriving, hello!
Actors: [together] Hi-ya ho-da, spoda goda!!
Eisenstein: I have no idea what that means. Anyways, I am your director
Sergei Eisenstein, and I'm much smarter than any of you, just
forget about it and I mean it!
Actors: [together] Consider it forgotten!
Eisenstein: Yeeh...good! I'd also like to welcome my Communist party
friends here today. Thanks for coming, commie comrades!
Cho-Cho: Bet you can't say that three times fast.
Eisenstein: Thanks for coming, commie comrades! Thanks for coming,
crommus crommis...rats!
Cho-Cho: You lose!
Lucky Bob: Hi-yo!
Cho-Cho: One ruble, please.
Eisenstein: Forget about it and I mean it!
Cho-Cho: Woah, sore loser.
Lucky Bob: You are correct, sir!
Eisenstein: Okay! Today, we will film the attack on the nice peoples in
Odessa by the Cossack guards who are bad.
Loud Kiddington, one of the actors, raises his hand.
Eisenstein: Yes?
Loud: What's my line?
Eisenstein: Ooh, ow, that's a loud thing! What do you want, with the
yelling of the face?
Loud: I can't find my lines in the script!
Eisenstein: Hey, there are no lines, this is a silent movie!
Loud: Silent?! You hired the wrong kid, pal!
Eisenstein: This is too true, but now I am directing, so will you please
be quiet?
Loud: I'll try!
Eisenstein: Fine.
Loud: But what's my motivation?!
Eisenstein: Eh, what?
Loud: An actor needs motivation! What's my motivation to be quiet?
Eisenstein: If you're not, I'll have to kill you.
Loud: [whispering] Works for me.
Later, Eisenstein is lowered from his elevated camera seat to meet the
youngest cast member.
Eisenstein: Okay, we will now film the scene with the momma and her baby
in the buggy. And baby is where?
Big Fat Baby is wheeled up in a carriage.
Eisenstein: Ahh, baby is here!
BFB: [gurgles]
Eisenstein: Ahh! He's a plump one!
BFB: [farts, babbles]
Eisenstein: And a stinky one, too! Okay, let's get close-up of big baby
in buggy with rubber baby buggy bumpers!
Cho-Cho: Bet you can't say that three times fast.
Eisenstein: Rubber baby buggy bumpers! Rubber baby drubba dreeb...rats!
Cho-Cho: You lose!
Lucky Bob: Hi-yo!
Cho-Cho: Two rubles, please.
Eisenstein: I said...[shouting] forget about it and I mean it!!
Cho-Cho: Definite sore loser. Big time.
Lucky Bob: Yes, now!
Eisenstein storms away to judge the next shot, when Pepper runs up to
him, screaming.
Pepper: Ah, haa haah! It's you!
Eisenstein: Wha...?
Pepper: It's really you! You are the B-E-S-T best director in the
whole wide world! Ah, hah, ho!! Hi. I'm Pepper Mills. May
I please, oh please, oh please, have your autograph, oh
please?!?
Eisenstein: But of course, anything for the masses.
Pepper: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, tha...hey! You're not
Steven Spielberg!
Eisenstein: Who?
Pepper: Rip-offsky.
Eisenstein: Who's in charge of security around here?!
A small band of vikings haul Pepper away, screaming.
Eisenstein: I like vikings! Okay! Now coming down the steps is time
for the bad guys! Send in the Cossacks!
Toast: Yo! Movie dude! Cossack captain Toast reporting for
action! [holds out fist to Eisenstein] Potato.
Eisenstein: What?
Toast: Potato!
Eisenstein: No, it's not potato, it's fist! Okay, over here you come,
strange boy. This is where you stand.
Toast: All right, cool. So, like, when's break time?
Eisenstein: What?
Toast: You know, break time? It's in the union contract.
Eisenstein: What union?
Toast: SAG, man! The Screen Actors Guild? Earth to planet movie
dude! The union rules! So when's break time?
Eisenstein: But you have not yet even started your acting!
Toast: Right! And I'm not acting 'til I have chow! So, where's
the catering truck at?
Toast sits down and puts on headphones. Sergei's face turns red.
Eisenstein: Patience I have now lost! I'm giving this cossack the
sack! Security!
The vikings haul Toast out of his chair, screaming.
Eisenstein: Send him to Siberia! And bring me another Cossack.
Froggo: Subsitute Cossack Froggo reporting in, sir.
Eisenstein: You're kind of short to be a Cossack, aren't you?
Froggo: I suppose. You want the other guy back?
Toast runs back to the set.
Toast: I'm suing you for bogus termination, movie boy!
[singing] I work for the union label...
Eisenstein motions with his hand and the vikings grab Toast again.
Eisenstein: No. You'll do fine.
Froggo: Good. [long pause] So when's break time?
Eisenstein: [shudders]
As production is set to begin, we join Eisenstein at the foot of the
Odessa steps.
Eisenstein: And...action! The Cossacks is coming! The nice peoples is
running! Now the bad Cossacks, fire the big guns! Bang!
The Kid Chorus, playing the Cossacks, fire off their rifles as they
walk down the steps.
Eisenstein: Yes! Then the baby buggy goes down the steps, boingy, boingy!
Big Fat Baby's buggy is released and goes rolling down the steps,
the baby inside squirming with delight.
Eisenstein: Good! Then the battleship Potemkin shoots the fake movie
cannons at the Cossacks! Boom!
The battleship does so, and a nearby gate explodes on cue.
Eisenstein: Yes! The boat goes boomy-boomy! The Cossacks go bangy-bangy!
And the buggy goes boingy-boingy!
Sergei is clearly enjoying himself, raising his hands in the air and
shouting.
Eisenstein: Bangy-bangy, boomy-boomy, boingy-boingy!
Cho-Cho: Bet you can't say that three times fast.
Eisenstein: Bangy-bangy, boomy-boomy, boingy-boingy! Bammy-ba...ah, rats!!
Cho-Cho: You lose again! Three rubles.
Lucky Bob: Hi-yo!
Eisenstein: Why, you...I have had last straw with you both!
Eisenstein's face goes red as he chases Cho-Cho and Bob away, but,
after falling into BFB's buggy, the pair begin to roll down the steps.
They launch off the dock into the air, with BFB landing in Father Time's
arms on the deck of the Potemkin, while Eisenstein lands in the water.
He's thrown a lifesaver, and Cho-Cho and Lucky Bob row up.
Cho-Cho: You okay, Mr. Eisenstein?
Eisenstein: [sighs] Yes.
Cho-Cho: Good. Three rubles, please.
Eisenstein: Forget about it and I mean it!
Cho-Cho: Bet you can't say that three times fast.
Eisenstein: Forget about it and I mean it! Forget about it and I mean it!
Forget about it and I bee-a...raaats!!!
Cho-Cho: Too bad. Make that four rubles.
Eisenstein: [sighs] Here.
Cho-Cho: Thanks. And here's a tip. Never, ever gamble. You know why?
Eisenstein: Why?
Cho-Cho: Because you are very stinky at tongue twisters.
Lucky Bob: Hi-yo!
Eisenstein: Cut. Print. That is wrap.
Eisenstein sinks into the water, and the actors cheer.
Toast: At last! It's break time!
Miss Info: And so after the guns were shot and the cannons were shot,
the movie was finally shot!
Father Time: Then came time to edit the film. But Eisenstein's editor
proved to be pretty young for the job.
BFB edits the film by putting the reel into a blender and getting film
paste everywhere. Later, at the movie's premiere, Eisenstein watches in
horror as the movie's events, accompanied by a musical score, play out
through a series of quick, abstract shots.
Eisenstein: What have you done?! You've chopped my film into tiny pieces!
Froggo: You had another idea?
Eisenstein: My masterpiece! She is ruined!
Pepper: Au contraire, Sergei! Your comrades love it!
Indeed. The moviegoers applaud wildly.
Eisenstein: Eh?
Father Time: Yes, Eisenstein's film with its short, choppy shots caused a
sensation.
WOW: The Battleship Potemkin was a big hit.
Ebert: We give it two enthusiastic thumbs up our noses.
Siskel: Way up our noses!
Pepper: [screams] Sergei Eisenstein was declared to be a film genius!
Loud: And a great big nut!
BFB: [blows raspberry]
Miss Info: His little ol' chopped-up editing process became known as
"montage".
Eisenstein: My montage makes movie magic!
Cho-Cho: Bet you can't say that three times fast.
Eisenstein: My montage makes movie magic! My montage makes movie
mi-ma-ma-da...rats! [offers money to Cho-Cho] Here.
Cho-Cho: Forget about it, and I mean it!
H! Cast: [together] Consider it forgotten!
(Commercial Break)
Sketch #3 - My Buddy Stalin
Father Time and Big Fat Baby stand in front of a map of Russia.
Father Time: After the death of the Communist leader Lenin in 1924, Josef
Stalin, the general secretary of the party's central
commitee, crushed all of his rivals and became supreme
dictator of the Soviet Union.
Miss Info: Stalin is best remembered as a ruthless dictator who built the
Soviet Union into a world power through terror and purges!
WOW: He was responsible for ordering the deaths of millions.
BFB: [blows raspberry]
Father Time: In history, Stalin was a despot, a murderer, a Communist
dictator. But on the WB, he's the star of his own sitcom,
"My Buddy Stalin"!
Song: My Buddy Stalin
Inside a pleasant suburban American home, Froggo and his mother (played
by Molly Pitcher) are in the kitchen. Froggo sits at the table eating
milk and cookies. A studio audience applauds in the background as the
scene opens.
Molly: Why the long face, slugger?
Froggo: Everyone's going to the father-child campout next Friday night.
Molly: So you thought since your dad's not around, you'd drown your
sorrows in a tumbler of cow juice. Right, buckaroo?
Froggo: Oh, mom...
Molly: Well, I have some exciting news for you, dear! Meet your new
buddy, Mr. Stalin!
Wild applause. Stalin charges into the kitchen accompanied by two guards.
Froggo: Mr. Stalin?
Stalin: So formal? I am your new big buddy! Call me Stalin. Or else!
Froggo: Oh...
Stalin: (laughs) Lighten up, little capitalist! That was joke!
Molly talks on the phone as Stalin and Froggo slurp up spaghetti noodles.
Molly: That's right, Madge. It's so wonderful to see Froggo with his new
buddy. And Stalin is already becoming part of our little
all-American family!
Froggo: Stalin, I know you're not my dad, but can we still go to the
father-child campout together?
Molly: Froggo! Let the brutal Soviet strongarm dictator enjoy his dinner
in peace!
Stalin: Of course! I would be delighted to go with you, little buddy!
Froggo: Have you ever been on a camping trip?
Stalin: No...but I've sent many people to Siberia on "camping trips"!
Flash to Siberia. Miserable-looking people freeze next to a railroad
track and dull grey buildings.
Old man: Here at this camp, the trail mix is made of gravel. Heh, heh!
Back in the kitchen, Molly digs in.
Molly: Hey! The cold war is over! What's this microphone doing in my
spaghetti? Igor? Gregori?
Igor: Sorry Mrs. Lady-ma'am. We are KGB agents.
Gregori: It is old Soviet recipe.
At school, Froggo gets harassed by Toast and Loud.
Toast: Sorry you won't be going on the school trip Friday, dude. 'Cause
your dad's a no-show!
Loud: Yeah! All you got is that scary big buddy with those eyebrows and
the bushy moustache!
Froggo: If I were you guys, I'd watch what you say about him. You know
what he did to Trotsky. [makes throat-slitting motion]
Toast: Who cares? I think he talks funny. Where's he from, anyway?
Mars?
Stalin sneaks up behind them and lifts Loud and Toast into the air.
Loud: Hey!
Stalin: Talk funny? Haven't you boys ever heard someone with a Georgia
accent?
Froggo: [pulling out a map] Soviet Georgia, that is. Thanks, Stalin.
Stalin: I hope you two boys like to wear prison stripes, because next week
you're off to the gulags!
Toast: Harsh.
Loud: What a grouch!
Molly's talking to the camera, standing by a picnic table at a baseball
field. The KGB guards stand by.
Molly: You know, for a ruthless despot, it's nice to see my boy and him
getting along so well.
Stalin throws a pitch, clocking Froggo in the forehead. He hits the
ground and lies there motionless.
Stalin: Sorry, my little bourgeoisie gulag. Great American pastime is new
to Uncle Josef!
Later, Molly talks with Madge on the phone again.
Molly: Yup, can you believe it, Madge? Stalin is even teaching his little
buddy a new ideology!
Froggo and Stalin are playing checkers on a park bench. Froggo's head
is wrapped in bandages.
Froggo: King me.
Stalin: What?!
Froggo: I mean, enable me to be a good worker in accordance with the
teachings of Marxist revolutionary doctrine.
Stalin: Good kid!
Molly walks up to the pair, who are reading "Pravda".
Molly: My little comrades!
In class the next day, Igor and Gregori haul Froggo's teacher (the
World's Oldest Woman) out the door in handcuffs.
WOW: Froggo, please! Tell your little KGB friends that I made a
mistake! I really meant to give you an 'A' on your revisionist
history report! I've been a good teacher for thirty years!
Froggo: She will learn.
WOW: [a toilet flushes; she yells off-camera] Help!!
Froggo: Oops. Too late.
Molly's on the phone again...
Molly: It's so exciting, Madge! My boy and his big buddy Stalin are off
to their overnight campout! And you know how all the kids love to
sit around a blazing fire, and listen to that dictator's favorite
stories of the political purges in the Soviet Union!
Stalin: Who wants Soviet s'mores? Okey-dokey, where were we? Then,
between 1934 and 1938 I began massive purges of millions of
so-called 'enemies of the people'.
Froggo: That's my big buddy!
"Awww..." says the studio audience.
Stalin: I also seized people's property and expanded my collectivization
program into a nationwide offensive against the peasantry.
Millions were displaced!
Loud Kiddington, watching with wide eyes, gasps.
Stalin: You do not like my little story?
Loud: Aah! Huh? Oh no! Help!!
Loud is hauled off by the KGB agents. Charity Bazaar and her dad watch.
Charity: He's scary.
Stalin: Then later, unknown millions persihed in the massive
collectivizations! Now, here's the funny part...
Charity: Dad, why didn't anyone do anything to stop that awful man?
Dad: Not us, Charity darlin'. Froggo's big buddy Stalin is a little
rough around the edges, okay. But he did have a big, evil
empire to run. Isn't that right, Joe?
Stalin: That's true! I was busy launching a major campaign of political
terror, including purges, arrests, and mass deportation to labor
camps! With very little help. Hah! What's a fellow to do, eh?
Oh, take that kid and her father away. Now!
Dad: Uh, wait a minute Joe, I didn't do it! Errr...she's adopted!
Charity: Help. Help us.
As Charity and her father are hauled off, Froggo pops up.
Froggo: That's my buddy Stalin!
Stalin: Da!
While Froggo and Stalin hug in front of a hammer and sickle, the "My
Buddy Stalin" theme is reprised. Fade out.
(Outro)
Father Time: Comrades and comradettes, looks like we've run out of time
for today's revolution.
Stalin: Da. It is like I once said to good friend, Trotsky. The
Communist Party is over...for you! Little Communist jokesky.
[laughs]
Lenin: Ooh...when was last time Biggest Baby had new diaper?
Froggo: Remember when Ivan the Terrible became tsar of Russia?
Lenin: 1547?
Froggo: Before that.
Lenin: Eww! Now that is revolting!
The vikings charge by, carrying Lenin, Froggo, BFB, and Stalin along
with them. Father Time peeks out from behind a hill of snow.
Father Time: See you again next time on...
Loud: [Russian accent] Histeria!
Lenin: Histeria!
Trotsky: Histeria!
WOW: Histeria!
Cho-Cho: [to Eisenstein] Histeria, Mistah!
Eisenstein: Forget about it and I mean it!
Lucky Bob: Umm...Histeria?
The revolutionaries and Vikings charge by, screaming "Histeria!".
Fade out, end of show.
Gag Credit: Big Brother Is Watching You - So Cut It Out!
