Intro - 1922, Valley of the Kings, Egypt
A line of camels cross the desert under a starry sky, stopping before
a gateway lighted by a line of torches. The riders (Father Time, Big Fat
Baby, Miss Information, Loud Kiddington, Cho-Cho, Fetch, Froggo,
Charity Bazaar, and Aka Pella) dismount and begin to enter, slowly and
quietly. Father Time leads the way.
Father Time: [whispering] Everyone be very, very quiet. The slightest
sound could make this whole place crumble to pieces.
A rat runs by, scaring Big Fat Baby. He jumps onto Father Time, who
shushes him.
Miss Info: [whispering] I just hope there's no truth to the curse of King
Tut's tomb.
Loud: Curse?! There's a curse?!
Miss Info: [whispering] Quiet!
Loud: What kind of a curse?!
Miss Info: Shh!
Loud: I didn't know there was a curse!
Miss Info: Shh! The walls could collapse on all of us.
Loud: I don't want to hear about any curse!
Fetch: I'm with him!
Miss Info shushes the dog. Big Fat Baby, who has ventured ahead, steps
into a passageway and depresses a brick with his foot. Suddenly, all heck
breaks loose. Eyeholes in the wall fire spears, narrowly missing the
gang. As they race down a hallway, a spear deflects off the baby's helmet,
knocking him into a pit. Father Time, however, manages to grab his "1922"
sash just before he's impaled on a bed of spikes. But just as the
expedition begins to relax, they hear a rumbling noise behind them. It's
a giant metal wheel covered in spikes as wide as the passageway, forcing
the group to jump over the pit to safety. Charity makes it just in time,
jumping into Father Time's arms. They run together to a door which Miss
Information has just kicked open, diving through it just before the wheel
crushes the doorway. As Father Time slowly rises to his feet, he looks
around him. There is a sarcophagus at one end of the room.
Father Time: [gasps] Look! I think we've found the tomb of King
Tutankhamen!
Father Time and Charity push the lid off, revealing a mummified World's
Oldest Woman inside. She sits up.
WOW: Think again, bubbie. You've found...Histeria!
Miss Info: Histeria!
Charity: Histeria.
Froggo: Histeria!
Loud: Histeria!
Fetch: Histeria!
All: Histeria!
Intro Song - It's Called Histeria!
Sketch #1 - This Was Your Life
Back in the Valley of the Kings, the Histeria cast waits outside the
entrance to Tut's tomb. Father Time and Big Fat Baby stand on a dune
nearby.
Father Time: The year, 1922. The place, the Valley of the Kings, Egypt.
Today, we're here with English archaeologist Howard Carter.
For over five years, he's been searching for the ancient tomb
of Tutankhamen, the boy king who ruled Egypt in 1333 B.C.
The kids follow Miss Info into the tomb, who holds a lantern. They
descend a great staircase as Info recites her tour speech.
Miss Info: We're tiptoeing toward King Tut's tomb. Our hearts are
thumpin' faster and faster! We're hyperventilating! We're
soppin' with sweat! We're filled with terror! We're
screamin'! Aaah!!!!
The kids scream along with her.
Miss Info: [sighs] Okay. We're recoverin', we're feelin' better now,
we're movin' on, people!
At the bottom of the staircase, Carter joins the Histeria cast in front
of a large wooden door. Big Fat Baby comes tumbling down the steps and
goes face first into it.
Carter: For thousands of years, King Tut has been inside his burial
chamber undisturbed. And now, we are about to break the seal on
the tomb doors!
Carter takes a crowbar to the door; inside, they find a tomb with
a great number of artifacts, the most impressive being a golden
sarcophagus.
Carter: Oh, finally we have found the mummy load!
The gang approaches the tomb.
Miss Info: Excuse me! But did you know that there's a curse on anyone who
disturbs King Tut's tomb?
Loud: Not that stupid curse again!
Miss Info: According to legend, they are doomed to die a horrible death!
Charity: I'm not happy.
Carter: Oh, balderdash, that's just a bunch of rot!
Carter throws open the lid, revealing a mummy inside. Its eyes open
and it growls. As the expedition flees, Tut rises and hops after them,
arms extended. After cornering the group, they begin to scream, when
suddenly, a voice booms from out of nowhere.
Announcer: Hey there, King Tutankhamen! You thought this was a grave-
robbing? A descecration of your sacred tomb? Well, you
couldn't be any more wrong! Because today, "This Was Your
Life"!
Tut, in front of a huge applauding crowd, grunts in confusion.
Tut: Ehh?
Announcer: Yes! And now, here to take you down memory lane, it's the host
of "This Was Your Life", Father Time!
Father Time walks onto the stage.
Father Time: Surprised you, didn't we? That's right, Tut, we've gone to
great lengths to gather together some people from what was
your life to honor you! Our journey begins in 1342 B.C.
Tut, tell us all if you remember this voice.
WOW: I don't know what all the fuss is about. I got lipsticks
older than him!
Tut: [groaning in terror]
Father Time: That's right! Your very first wet nurse!
Toast: [in the audience] Uh...what's a 'wet nurse'?
"And now, a word from Noah Webster," says the announcer, as we are
taken to Noah's desk.
Webster: Wet nurse. Noun, meaning a woman who cares for and suckles
children not of her own.
Back to the crowd.
Crowd: [together] Eww, gross!
Toast: Intense reekage!
Charity: I'm really not happy.
Lydia Karaoke, Network Censor, pops up on screen.
Lydia: And I had such high hopes for this show.
Back to WOW onstage, who holds the full-grown mummy in her arms.
WOW: Let's just say that when baby Tut got hungry, I was there.
Tutty was such a finnicky eater. He never even finished his
last meal, you know. So I brought it for him! [rings a bell]
Father Time: No, we really don't want to go there, ma'am.
WOW: It's time for dinner, honeybunch!
With blinding speed, a group of big Egyptian guys charge across stage,
carrying World's Oldest Woman with them.
Lydia: I'm glad that's over.
Crowd: [cheers]
Father Time: Tut, we know you've got a lot to say to our next surprise
guest.
Voice: [off-screen, sounds like Joe Pesci] You owe me, bro. If you
weren't already croaked, I'd have you whacked!
Tut: [goes into a panic, grunting]
Father Time: That's right Tutty, my boy. It's your older brother
Smenkhare, whom you succeeded to the throne in 1333 B.C.
Smenkhare: Yeah! I shoulda been the famous pharaoah everybody talks
about, not you, ya lousy ball of yarn! I'm just a footnote
in history. You ripped me off! Now I'm gonna rip you apart!
Tut: [muffled screaming]
Father Time: Hmm. Looks like you two have a few unresolved issues.
WOW: Yoo, hoo! Come here, Smenky. Let me calm your nerves with
a little dinner.
Smenkhare: No, not that! Anything but that!
WOW: It's supper time! [chases him off stage]
Father Time: Now Tut, we know this next guest holds a warm place in your
heart. Because we have your heart right here in this canopic
burial urn, which was used for storing all your internal
organs before you were embalmed.
Crowd: [together] Hooray!
Father Time: Tut, do you recognize this voice?
Pepper: [off-screen] I love ancient Egyptian boy kings! Ah,
haa haaah hah, ho!
Tut: [muffled gasp]
Father Time: That's right! It's your wife, Queen Ankhesenpaaten, the girl
you married in 1333 B.C. She was eight years old, you were
nine.
Miss Info appears, standing in front of a map of the United States.
Miss Info: Which of course, is illegal in most states.
Right. Back to the stage.
Pepper: I love my little Tutty-Wutty! [screams] I miss you so much!
[screams]
After hugging Tut, the crowd says "Aww..." together, and Queen
Ankhesenpaaten hops off-stage.
Father Time: A lovely little reunion on "This Was Your Life". Tut, do you
remember this voice?
Voice: Death to anyone who disturbs King Tut's tomb.
Tut: Eh?
Father Time: Yes, it's one of the men who helped uncover your tomb, Lord
Carnarvon!
Carnarvon: Jolly good day, sir. Glad to be here, oh, yes.
Father Time: Now, about the curse...
Loud: I hate the part about the stupid curse!
Father Time: Isn't it true that twenty-two people who found Tut have since
died under mysterious circumstances?
Carnarvon: Uh, twenty-one. Twenty-one victims. I guess you could say
that if that so-called curse were real, I would be the
twenty-second, as it were.
Tut: [growls and gestures at Carnarvon]
Lord Carnarvon turns green and clasps his chest.
Carnarvon: Excuse me, I have to go now.
He falls to the ground. The same group of charging, shouting men
carries Carnarvon's body offstage.
Father Time: Okay. Now for our final guest.
Carter: You could say I discovered you...because I did!
Tut: Ehh?
Father Time: He's the man responsible for making you a household name...
come on out, English archaeologist Howard Carter! Howard,
tell us...why is Tut still so famous?
Carter: [laughs] Well, it's really quite simple, old man. King Tut
died at the age of eighteen, and his tomb was found
completely intact and undisturbed! With a treasure trove of
priceless ancient artifacts.
The crowd applauds. Carter shakes Tut's hand.
Father Time: There you have it! King Tut, the very first teenager to keep
a clean room!
Toast does a rim-shot on a set of Histeria! drums.
Announcer: King Tut, "This Was Your Life"!
Father Time: As far as mummies go, you could really dig 'im!
[Commercial Break]
Character Jingle - Big Fat Twin Babies
Sketch #2 - Rome, 750 B.C.
Announcer: And now, King Tut, with his interpreter, Loud Kiddington!
Tut: [growls]
Loud: The year--750 B.C.!
Tut: [growls, mumbles]
Loud: The place--Palatine Hill!
Tut: [growls]
Loud: One of the seven hills that will someday comprise the city of
Rome!
Tut: [growls at length]
Loud: And now...the legend of Romulus and Remus!
Froggo: The twin brothers who some say founded the city of Rome, nearly
three thousand years ago.
Two Big Fat Baby boys are on top of a bearskin rug cooing happily.
Beside a river, Toast attempts to explain.
Toast: Okay! Like Romulus and Remus' royal dad was Mars! Roman god of
war and candy-coated chocolate! Totally cool!
Mars: War is heck! But quite slimming!
He gulps down a chocolate bar. On earth, ballet music plays as women
frolic around stone pillars.
Charity: Their mother was Rhea Sylvia, one of the Vestal Virgins.
WOW: Yeah, I'm one of 'em, what's it to ya?
Toast: Uh...what's a 'Vestal Virgin', dude?
Lydia: Okay, stop right there! Lydia Karaoke, network censor here.
Believe it or not, we do have a few rules [waves a book in the
air], and we will have none of that sassy 'virgin' talk around
here!
WOW: Let's just say...we didn't do a lot of dating. Leave it at that.
Okay, that's over with. Pepper stands near a bearded man seated on
a throne, dressed in white.
Pepper: Rhea's father was King Numitor. [screams] I love him!
Miss Info: Numitor loved being king. Until his evil brother
Amulius took away his throne!
Amulius sneaks up behind the King and kicks him off the throne.
Amulius: I had to downsize my own brother. It, uh, might be a little
awkward around the holidays, but I'm willing to chance it.
Toast narrates as Amulius throws the Babies' basket into a river.
Toast: Then, like, Amulius threw his his nephews Romulus and Remus into
the mighty Tiber River to get rid of them. Shaa, totally bogus!
Amulius: Well boys, it's sink...or...sink. Enjoy the cruise! I'm so...
naughty! [laughs]
The babies travel happily downstream. Charity Bazaar watches from atop
a cliff.
Charity: With the twins out of the way, their wicked uncle knew that there
would be no one to challenge the throne.
Toast: Because, they would be like...dead!
The babies flow down the rapids, now crying. A wolf notices them.
Froggo: But the babies' cries were heard by a she-wolf.
Flash-forward years later, where a much-older wolf wearing a dress and
bandanna sits in an interviewee's chair.
She-Wolf: [present day] Look, sweetheart, what was I supposed to do? I
heard these two kids crying, and I've got children myself. I
had to help them. It's in the blood!
The she-wolf walks along a branch hanging over the river and grabs the
basket of BFBs in her mouth, carrying them away.
She-Wolf: [present day] And so I saved the twins Romulus and Remus. I'm
not a heroine, I'm a mother!
The wolf, carrying the babies on her back, returns to her cave.
She-Wolf: [present day] I adopted them as my own. And they became the
newest cubs in the lair.
As the older wolf narrates her story, we watch the younger she-wolf's
face as the babies take their dinner.
She-Wolf: I guess you could call me their wet nurse.
Webster: Wet nurse. A noun meaning a woman who cares for and suckles
children not of her own.
Flash to Lydia.
Lydia: We're going to get letters...
One of the grown wolf pups sits in the interviewee's chair, wearing a
blue vest and sounding a little like John Travolta. His name is Vinnie.
Vinnie: Hey, don't get me wrong. I love my new brothers. Even though
they were a little, you know, funny lookin', and sometimes don't
smell so good, I swear! Let me tell ya, those two can really put
away the chow! I mean, I...I don't think they ever missed a meal,
except for the time Remus got this crazy furball.
The wolves watch as Big Fat Baby chokes on something. Out it comes--
a live bear cub.
Vinnie: Oh...like, that is so disgusting, right?
Angie, another one of the wolf cubs, gives her story.
Angie: Yeah, they lived with us for many years, and believe me, the diaper
changes were few and far between. All those dirty diapers really
made the lair smell a little bit...gamy.
The babies argue with each other briefly in baby talk. Back to the
She-Wolf's story, narrating her younger self.
She-Wolf: [older] Let me tell you, those two were a handful. And I wasn't
getting any younger!
She-Wolf: [younger, spraying air freshener] Ahh, the scent of pine!
The wolves (wearing clothespins on their snouts) watch as the babies
wander about the cave.
She-Wolf: The time came for Romulus and Remus to return to civilization,
to fulfill their destiny of building the city of Rome. And so,
with the help of friends, we quickly built a wooden ship for the
boys to return upstream.
A group of animals build a ship and toss the babies into it. The
mother wolf breaks a bottle on the side of the ship as they launch it
into the river with all possible speed. After the boast sails off, the
wolves dance for joy.
She-Wolf: [older] Oh, not that we were in any hurry.
She-Wolf: [younger] Let's go air out the lair!
Froggo: And so, the twins returned to the seven hills.
Charity: And they ran their evil uncle Amulius off of the throne.
Amulius: Believe it...or don't.
Pepper: Romulus went on to found Rome, and he became the king! [screams]
Toast: On holidays, King Romulus would like, throw really cool
banquets, and would invite his entire family to join him
in the festivities. Party!
Around a table sit lots of feasting Romans, as well as the babies' former
wolfpack.
She-Wolf: [sniffs the air] Oh, Romulus. I gotta get that boy a diaper
service!
She puts a clothespin on her nose. Fade to black.
[Commercial Break]
Sketch #3 - Rome, 49 B.C.
Feasting Romans sit in a banquet hall, including several Histeria cast
members.
Father Time: The year, 49 B.C. Julius Caesar had just defeated the forces
of Pompey the Great in Spain at the battle of Ilerda.
BFB: [belches]
Froggo: The Romans celbrated Caesar's victory with a huge feast that
went on for hours and hours.
Caesar: We are gonna swing in a major way, baby.
Toast: Party on, dude!
Charity: During the banquet, people went to a special place called the
vomitorium to make room for more food.
Suddenly, the Histeria! logo pops up.
Announcer: We interrupt this broadcast for an important message.
Lydia: Hi, I'm Lydia Karaoke, Network Censor. It has come to our
attention that the next sketch concerns a place the ancient
Romans called the 'vomitorium', where people with full
'tum-tums' made 'whoopsies'. Please note that we at the
network do not want to condone or glamorize the practice of
'binge and purge'. Although it is true that the Romans did
do this in their day, this 'whoopsie' business is not something
we wish to make light of, and more importantly, to imitate in
any way. In other words...
As Lydia says it, the words "Do not try this at home." pop up on the
screen.
Lydia: Thank you. And now, sit back and enjoy..."The Vomitorium Sketch"!
Miss Info leads the usual tour group.
Miss Info: Stay together people, we're walking, we're digesting, we've
been eatin' too much. We're stoppin', we're throwin' our heads
down, we're losin' our lunches!
The tour group bends over and vomits.
Miss Info: We're tryin' to recover, we're takin' a deep breath. We're
lookin' for binaca and dental floss!
Elsewhere, Chit Chatterson talks with a bloated Father Time.
Chatterson: Whoa! Looks like you had a bellyfull!
Father Time: Uh huh. I'm stuffed.
Chatterson: Then what you need is a feather! It helps tickle the throat.
Just a tiny touch, and a little wiggle! Then the food goes
down, and up, much easier! It's guaranteed!
Father Time: I'll take two!
In the bathroom, Toast, Froggo, and Lucky Bob look in the mirror.
Toast: Hey, how you doin', Froggius?
Froggo: Pretty good. I'm so hungry I could throw up twice.
Toast: Me too.
The three boys vomit into their sinks. Molly Pitcher walks by.
Molly Pitcher: Got water? Don't forget to drink water! It's important to
rehydrate.
In the vomitorium, Pepper and World's Oldest Woman talk.
Pepper: So, did you see the dress Cleo was wearing?
WOW: [vomits]
Pepper: Gee, you thought it was that bad?
WOW: No...the ham's just that good! I'm going back for thirds!
Lydia pops up again.
Lydia: Lydia Karaoke, network censor here. I must go on record to say
that this subject matter, despite its dubious historic value, is
extrememly distasteful and goes way beyond the normal standards
of responsible programming.
Off-screen, a group of people is heard vomiting. She glares in that
direction.
Lydia: And I'm afraid we cannot permit this type of low-brow humor!
Vomiting noises are heard again. "Excuse me," Lydia says, before looking
a bit queasy and then dashing off-screen to vomit. Back in the
vomitorium, Big Fat Baby approaches Father Time.
BFB: Gah, gah, foo pitty poo?
Father Time: No, no, Big Fat Baby. This is the vomitorium. The
poopitorium is down the hall.
BFB: Oh, goo gaa! [vomits]
Father Time: Next time, watch the sandals, would you, kid? I ain't
wearin' socks.
BFB: Ah wuv yoo! [farts]
Marc Anthony leaves the vomitorium, when World's Oldest Woman runs up
and grabs him.
WOW: Marc Anthony, baby! [kisses him] We still on for tonight?
Anthony runs off to vomit once again. Meanwhile, Loud Kiddington stares
at a large plate of food in front of him.
Loud: See it, see it, see it...
Loud scarfs the food.
Loud: Don't see it, don't see it, don't see it...
Quickly rushing off to the vomitorium, he vomits.
Loud: [weakly] See it, see it, see it...
Molly walks by with a box of mints.
Molly: Got mints? Four out of five Roman gods recommend fresh breath
after every meal.
A group is heard vomiting again, and Lydia pops up.
Lydia: Okay, that's it! You people have gone way overboard this time.
I'm officially shutting down this sketch immediately!
Rushing into the vomitorium, she takes a wrong step and slips on a trail
of vomit, falling down in a corner.
Molly: Got water?
Toast, eating an apple nearby, watches as Lydia throws up.
Toast: Oh! I didn't know there was roast pork tonight!
Julius Caesar comes out of the Vomitorium holding a microphone.
Julius: So remember cats, the next time you're in Rome...[singing]
Regurgitate,
With the heads of state,
at the Vomitorium!
Yeech. End of sketch.
Outro
Big Fat Baby stands in front of a sarcophagus that leans against a wall.
Tut, inside, throws it open, knocking the baby away.
Tut: [growls]
Loud: King Tut says...
Tut: [growls]
Loud: ...that's a wrap!
Toast: Dig it next time on...
Father Time: Histeria!
Froggo: Histeria!
Pule: Histeria!
Toast: [surfing down a pyramid] Histeria!
Pepper: Histeria!
Lucky Bob: [to Sphinx] Histeria?
Sphinx: Histeria.
WOW: [digging up a mummified Fabio] Histeria!
Miss Info: [holding baby Romulus and Remus] Histeria!
Babies: [together] Histoodedoo!
Lydia: I'm actually writing a letter of complaint to myself!
All: Histeria!
Loud: Histeria!
Tut, annoyed by Loud's volume, slams Loud into his sarcophagus and
growls "Histeria!". Fade out.
Short - Big Fat Baby Girl
Announcer: And now, an important message from Big Fat Baby Girl.
BFBG: [belches]
Announcer: Thank you.
Fade out, roll credits.
Gag credit - Address letters of complaint to: Lydia Karaoke, Kids WB
