My Mother's Son: Chapter 15
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"Did you pick up any basil?" I ask, knowing that she didn't.
"Basil? My oh my, aren't we getting fancy," she picks. "Well, you know, since you've opened me up to the delights of the culinary arts, I want to make everything as tasteful as I can." "Which must be why you bought that vanilla perfume for me," she giggles. "No, that was for my own personal pleasure," I lean in and kiss her on her neck. She pulls away, "That will have to wait... We have guests coming over in an hour and a half and we still haven't got anything done." "Who are these guests anyway?" "I told you a million times. My english prof and a good friend from my french class." "So I imagine there will be lots of academic talk. I'm going to feel so out of place." "Probably," she smiles. "You ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer." "Maybe not, but I can make everybody else feel they're not, either." "You will behave at this dinner. No name-calling, no awkward observations. I want you to be on your best behaviour." "I'll try." "Not I'll try. I'll do. Promise me..." I submit, "I promise I'll be on my best behaviour tonight." "Good boy," she kisses me on the cheek. "Now go and get changed. You look lie something the cat would drag in." "At least I don't look like something you would drag in." She smiles, "I did drag you in." "Case in point," under her control, I walk down the hall to the bedroom. The last month has been, simply put, the most wonderful period of my life. I never thought I'd be able to say that about my existence, but never has it been truer. If feel like I sued to be a million pieces, but now I am one. I know that may sound corny, but it's absolutely true. The night that Evangeline and I poured our hearts out to each other was a magical one. After our session of emotional healing on the coach, I carried her off to the bedroom, where we discovered each other. I had never done that before. Discovered somebody. We made love. Not raw animal sex, but love. Every moment during the next few weeks was special. Every moment I spent with her, every second I was near her, a peaceful feeling came over me that I had never had. A calm, pacifying feeling that left me shivering in its wake. Every moment with her has been a discovery for me. A discovery that I could feel love, that I could be loved. A discovery that I could lead a normal life, that suicide wasn't my only way out. A discovery that I was worth something to somebody, that I would be missed if I were to die. I never had this sense before. My mother treated me like an afterthought, something to throw a few extra minutes to at the end of the day. There was no love, not coming from her direction, and certainly not from mine. A normal life with her? The thought it laughable. Speaking of her, I haven't run into her, not even once. Which is amazing considering that I do live next door, unbeknownst to her. I can only imagine what our encounter would be like. A cold stare, a snarl, a scoff. She would throw an insult in my direction; threaten to call the police. I, in turn, would threaten her, then run. Because I know she would follow through on her threat. She saw no problem in bringing the law down on her won flesh and blood before, why would she again? Thinking of it, it I were in her position, I would probably do the same thing. Her son bashing in the head of her boyfriend. Sure, it was her son, but was hurting the only person who showed a genuine interest in her for years. As much as I want to say about Gary, he's the only man she's ever had who's stayed with her for any amount of time, even if only for his own selfish, domineering reasons. She's the kind of woman who puts on a strong front, but she's a weak as cheap glass on the inside; easily shattered, easy to throw away. He's the kind man who needs to exert his force on some gullible woman, one who would welcome him into her home without question. From there, he takes over, turning her into a clay which he can mould into his, every desire. Come to think of it, perhaps my mother and Gary are a perfect fit: a woman who is easily dominated and man who needs to control. Even if this is not the case, at least it takes the both of them out of circulation, sparing others the pain of living with the curse that is their lives. Putting on a crisp, white shirt, I look in the mirror to make sure I'm presentable. 'Not bad,' I think aloud, but I should probably shave and comb my hair. But the shirt will save me if I shave or not. It gives me that classic academic thinker look, even though I haven't even finished Grade 12. My mother bought me the shirt so that I would be presentable on my very first encounter with Gary. Those very first weeks that he came into my life are etched into me mind; they will probably carry with me until death, if not beyond. The empathises was always put on "looking neat" for him, so that he wouldn't reject us. Then my mother would have to go out and start her search all over again, digging something else up for the bowels of the earth. The first few weeks with him were not that bad, to be absolutely honest. We did things. We went to baseball games, to Mt. Royal, La Ronde, and the townships on the weekend. We actually functioned like a normal family would, even though I didn't take the effort to commit his name to memory until a few weeks later. My excuse was, why bother? Another will follow. Gary was so nice, with such impeccable manners. No burping at the dinner table! Get those elbows down! I bought flowers for you, honey... But somewhere along the way it all turned bad. He started to be domineering, as his nature, and my mother started to bend, as is hers. The more he pushed her, the more she gave in. Instead of fighting him, she simply gave up. The signs were minute at first. A poker game with a few of his friends that turned into a wild weekend involving whores, not including my mother. A slap when she disagreed with him over what to have for dinner. A photo burnt of one of her formers loves. She simply took it, accepting it as her fate. Then the resignation grew more intense. I still remember the first beating. I was in my room, just about asleep, when I heard a thud. Then another. And another. Meanwhile, I lay on my bed, grasping my pillow like some life jacket, hoping it would save me from her fate. Hoping someone, or something, was watching out for the both of us. Hoping that thing or person would be our salvation. It never came. So I simply accepted it. I accepted the fact that her would beat her every night for every mundane reason, I accepted the fact that there was nothing I could do. As her resignation grew, so did mine. I simply didn't care anymore. But then something happened. I don't know why, or when, or how, but something broke me out of that resignation. Maybe it was the stark reality that in this environment, I would never grow beyond the status of my mother. Maybe it was when I turned 17 and life suddenly stretched itself out before me. Maybe I had just had enough. I started to fight back, to tell Gary I wasn't going to take it like my mother did. I wasn't going to let him beat her without everybody knowing he was doing it. I was going to let her resignation be my death sentence. But I suppose none of that matters now. I don't live with my mother or Gary anymore. They're not apart of my life. And after my I discovered my mother's lie, I simply didn't care anymore. A person who could do what she did, to her own child no less, deserves whatever they have coming to them. God forbid, she'll get hers. A knock on the door breaks me out of my deep thought. It's probably the first of the guests; I ponder lazily, prepping myself so that I don't look completely ignorant tonight. Running the comb though my hair one last time, I take a deep breath and walk back into the hall. "I thought this might be yours," a female voice says from the kitchen. "I really don't know what you're name is." "That is mine actually. Thank you for bringing it over. I guess you know from the letter my name is Evangeline." I walk into the dining room. "Hi, I'm Jeannie Desjardins, I live in number 305." My heart sinks to the floor. "Hey, have you met her yet?" I look to my mother. She looks as if she's just seen a ghost, which I am to her. Her face turns pale; she doesn't know what to say. I however, don't want to blow my cover, and will willingly negate my entire existence to protect Evangeline. So I lie. "No, I don't think I've met you," I extend my hand foreword. She doesn't take the bait. "Um...ah..." she's speechless. "I... live in... 305..." Evangeline looks puzzlingly in my direction. I can tell she suspects something. If only my mother would have played it as cool as I did. "Are you sure you two have never met?" "We've probably passed each other in the hall or something," I cover. "I'm sure we've crossed paths somewhere along the line." "Yeah," my mother stumbles. "I'm sure our paths have intertwined somewhere." The puzzled has not left Evangeline's face, but to offer further explanation would implicate myself. So I don't. "We've having a dinner tonight," Evangeline notes. "You're welcome to stay if you'd like." "No..." she grins with an I'm-about-to-be-sick look. "I wouldn't want to impose." "It wouldn't be a problem." "I'm sure she has other things to do," I fumble to come up with a reason. "Besides, we really haven't got the space." "I suppose you're right." she cedes. "Maybe some other time. You and your husband, you'll have to come over." "Yeah, some other time," my mother takes a deep breath. Evangeline resumes setting the table, but won't let the subject go. "You wouldn't happen to have any basil, we're a little short." I laugh. Silently, of course. The only spices my mother has are paprika and banana flavoured condoms. "I'm sure I've I could dig some up." "Thanks a million," she looks to me. "Would you run over and get some for me." I have no excuse not to. "I'll be back in a few minutes." I follow my mother out the door, all the while frozen as to what she'll say to me, or vise-versa. As I close the door behind me, she turns. "What the fuck are you doing here?" I don't know what to say. I didn't expect her to be so offensive. I pictured her crying and pleading with me to move out, not cursing me. "I can't believe this. You've been living here all along, haven't you?" I simply stare at her. "What did you tell that poor girl? What fucking lies did you spit out at her?" I close my eyes and shake my head. She grabs me. "Look at me you little fucker. I want you out of here tomorrow. If I ever see you again, I will call the cops." Her threats do not resonate within me. I feel no fear; the worst cannot be as bad as the hell I've already been though. "Look, Jeannie," I grit my teeth. "You leave me alone." "Like you left me alone. You made my life nothing but a living hell. Now that I'm finally rid of you, I will not have you living next door, hanging over my head, ready to drop the axe." "Can you..." She cuts me off. "You heard me, I want you out." "Please..." "You heard me," she turns to walk away. "Just listen to me for one second," I demand, near tears. She stops and looks towards me. "Just listen to me," I take a deep breath. "Please just leave me alone. I am happy for the first time in my life. I actually love somebody. I didn't think I could ever do that. When I'm around Evangeline, I don't feel the hate and despise that I used to feel around you and Gary. I feel warm and giving, like I finally know why I'm on earth." She eases her defensive stance. "I may not wish the best for you and Gary, but I don't want to see you dead like I once did. All I want is to live in peace with Evangeline by my side. I never thought I'd be thinking like this, but I don't hate anymore. I don't even hate you." "You don't hate me," she repeats, tears welling in her eyes. "As much as I would like to, I don't hate you." "And you feel love for somebody." "I love Evengeline more than I've ever loved anything or anybody." "And you're happy." "Yes, I'm finally happy." She walks towards me, extends her arms, and embraces me. For some strange, unknown reason, I hug her back. This is the first time I've hugged my mother in years. "That's all I ever wanted to see." She backs away, wipes the tears from her faces, and returns to her apartment door. "Just don't let Gary see you," she advises. "I won't." She looks as me, takes a deep breath, looks to the floor, and walks back into the apartment. And as she does, for the first time in a long time, I feel whole. It's a special feeling, and I treasure it dearly, for god knows when I will feel this way again. |