All characters are copyrighted by either Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. or The Andy Griffith Show except Attorney Evans, Mary Ann Harper, the Mayberry Barbershop Sentet, Private Nelson, Private Alonzo, Private Brighton, Flo, Ike Malconi, the entire Lodge family, Lieutenant Masters, Mme. Harper, Jameson the butler, and Mr. Hofmayer. The above-mentioned characters are the author's own creations and are copyrighted by her. Officers Hansen and Kelly are from the Disney movies "The Shaggy Dog," "The Absent-Minded Professor," and "Son of Flubber," and are copyrighted by Disney.
This is a very unofficial book, written for fun and fans of the show and not for profit. (So please don't sue me!)
THE sun was dropping lazily behind the purple mountains. The last few rays of sun stretched out, gleaming on the barracks of Camp Henderson, Southern California's Marine base, approximately two hours from Los Angeles.
In Company B's duty hut, Sergeant Vincent Carter was struggling to do paperwork. But that was no easy task with his transistor radio blaring nonsense.
"Swe-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-t Adeli-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-ne!" screamed the Mayberry Barbershop Sentet. "Sweet Adeline" was their trademark song, only they sang it ridiculous because of their dream to be comedians.
Mayberry, North Carolina was PFC Gomer Pyle's hometown and he knew the Barbershop Sentet personally. He wasn't specially fond of their music, but always said that "they just like to have fun."
Boy, did they ever! Every night they went to Radio Station SNGNSNSE, which Gomer claimed meant "Sing Nonsense," and sang a new song to their heart's content. Carter wouldn't leave his radio on, except that it just wouldn't shut off during one of the Sentet's "concerts."
Carter crumpled up a piece of paper in disgust. When the Sentet started singing, there wouldn't be any hope of getting work done.
"This is just in!" said the reporter, shuffling her papers to find the right story. "A jewel robbery has taken place at Hofmayer's Gems. Three sapphires, two rubies, seven pearls, and five emeralds were stolen two hours after Mr. Hofmayer closed shop. Oh, and this just in: A jeweled pendant."
Gomer shook his head sadly. "Shame, shame, shame!" he exclaimed.
"Huh?" said the cook, puzzled.
Gomer looked up from his milkshake. "Oh, I was just thinkin' about that jewel robbery. Isn't it awful how people go around stealin' things? They don't care a bit that they're tamperin' with other people's property. Shame, shame, shame!"
"Oh, uh, yeah," the cook said, shuffling out to the kitchen.
"Hey, Corporal!" Gomer greeted him. "Did you hear about that terrible jewel robbery?"
Boyle nodded. "Yeah, I heard about it."
"It's just awful, ain't it?" Gomer continued. "People just go around stealing everything in sight! They don't care a bit that they're takin' someone else's property. Terrible, terrible, terrible!"
Gomer and Boyle walked down the street to the bus stop. "And you know what else?" Gomer rambled on. "Three sapphires, two rubies, seven pearls, and five emeralds were stolen! And a jeweled pendant." He paused. "Well, at least no one got hurt."
"Yeah, that's one good thing," Boyle agreed.
He was trying to complete the paperwork he hadn't been able to finish last night when the nonsense on his radio stopped. A news reporter came on and said that there were no leads on who the criminals were who had committed a large jewel theft at Hofmayer's Gems the past night.
"Well, I might've expected it," Carter said to himself. "Hofmayer's Gems is in a crummy part of town, too."
And the telephone rang. Carter answered. "Your North Carolina call is here," the operator with a high-pitched voice said.
Carter was puzzled, but told her to put the call through.
"Hello! Is Chuckie there? This is Attorney Evans!" said the caller.
Carter wanted to sigh out loud. Not again! When Attorney Evans called, you wouldn't be getting off the phone anytime soon. The main problem was that he always had a radio blaring really loud in the background, and that made it difficult for him to hear what was being said. And he loved to chat about movies. Only problem was, he never got the titles straight. Since the first nightmarish movie conversation, Boyle had kept the latest movie newspaper page in his desk drawer.
Boyle knew Attorney Evans because Gomer knew him. They had only met in person once, when he'd come out from N.C. to visit Gomer. Carter had met him too. Attorney Evans was friends with all of them, but especially Boyle.
Carter looked out the open door. "Well, he's here now," he said as Boyle came in.
"Here's some papers from headquarters for you to sign, Vince," he announced.
Carter took a pencil and handed the phone to Boyle. "It's Attorney Evans," he said in a monotone.
Boyle looked at Carter slightly amused as he took the receiver. "Hello?"
Attorney Evans had just heard about another movie and was dying to talk about it. "Hi, Chuckie! Guess what I just heard about?"
Boyle searched the desk drawer for his newspaper. "What?"
"A wonderful movie! Everyone's talking about it! It's a movie from the '40s that's being reissued!" The criminal defense attorney paused. "The name is The Crawlmese Balcony!"
Boyle started. He'd never heard of such a film! But, well, with Attorney Evans, you never know what he'll mishear, what with the Beatles' "Love Me Do" blaring out of the attorney's stereo.
"It's a suspense," Attorney Evans continued. "It's absolutely delightful!"
Boyle found the movie page and scanned it for a possible, sensible match. "The Maltese Falcon?" he asked.
"Well, that's what I said—The Crawlmese Balcony!" Attorney Evans responded. He looked around the Mayberry Courthouse where he was calling from. "I'd better go, Chuckie. Otis has taken up a new hobby—hypnosis—and he's got Barney in a trance already! Otis's problem is that he has a hard time getting people out of it. He has no problem getting them into it, but well . . . . Oh! Otis just got Barney out of the trance! But I'd better go anyway. He said he's working on a new way to get people hypnotized over the phone, and I don't want you to be his first victim."
"Why would he want to take up hypnosis?" Boyle asked.
For once Attorney Evans heard correctly. "Well, he thinks we could get criminals hypnotized into telling us who their partners are, and where their loot is, and so forth. But, so far, he hasn't got a single crook into a trance." He looked over at jail cell no. 1. "Otis is starting to try it out again. I've got to go! 'Bye, Chuckie!" He hurriedly hung up.
Carter finished signing the papers and handed them back to Boyle. "Short call," he remarked sardonically.
"Well, Otis is starting to practice hypnosis and Attorney Evans thought he'd better go," Boyle replied.
Just then, Gomer came flying in. "Sergeant Carter! Sergeant Carter!" he screamed frantically.
"For heaven's sake, what is it, Pyle?" Carter inquired, annoyed.
"Oh, Sergeant Carter, it's awful! It's just awful!"
"What is?" Carter and Boyle exclaimed.
"There's been a jewel robbery over at the PX!"
Carter and Boyle looked at each other, then back at Gomer.
"Two 24-karat gold watches, a pair of ruby earrings, and a jeweled pendant!" Gomer added. "It happened late last night, right after the one at Hofmayer's Gems in town! In fact . . ." Gomer looked at the others pointedly, ". . . it was probably the same gang of crooks! Terrible, terrible, terrible!" he finished.
Carter was getting worried, but he didn't want anyone to know it. "Oh, well, Pyle, I'm sure they'll catch the robbers soon."
Carter then gestured toward the door. "Pyle, why don't you go now? Boyle and I have a lot of work to do."
Gomer rambled on. "Alright, Sergeant. But wouldn't it be terrible if the whole United States was put in danger? Why, I saw this movie once, North by Northwest, and it was the most suspenseful thing! See, there was this gang of crooks . . ."
Carter's patience was starting to weaken. "Pyle . . ."
Gomer paid no attention. ". . . And there was this man. And, somehow, the crooks got it in their minds that the man was a secret agent and knew all about their crooked operations. So they were chasin' him all over the United States, tryin' to catch him and . . ."
"P*Y*L*E!!!" Carter pointed to the door. "OUT!!"
Gomer backed up until he was in the doorway. He turned around and was going to leave, then suddenly thought of something else.
"And, Sergeant? It had the most suspenseful climax on Mt. Rushmore. You see . . ."
"OUT, OUT, OUT!!!"
Gomer reluctantly left, calling back, "I just hope we don't wind up in international intrigue!"
Carter sat back down at his desk and ran a hand through his hair. He knew everything Gomer had said was plausible, and he was deeply concerned, but he didn't want anyone to know it. He had his pride.
Boyle stared after the departing Gomer. "You know, Sarge, Pyle does have a point."
Carter turned around and snapped, "Are you going to start up now, too?"
Bunny Olsen was Carter's long-time girlfriend. She had promised a married friend of hers that she would baby-sit for her three children, but couldn't make it, and had called Carter on the phone to ask him to fill in for her. But he objected.
"Look, Bunny, I don't know a thing about baby-sitting! Besides, I was hoping to spend the evening with you!"
"But, Vince, I have to work late tonight! We wouldn't get to see each other anyway! Can't you do this little favor for me? Please?" Bunny begged.
Carter relented. "Oh, alright!" He paused. "Now, where's the house?"
Bunny was ecstatic. "Oh, thank you, Vince! You don't know how much this means to me!" She got out her address book. "It's fifteen seventy-three Elm Drive. Miriam and Phil Lodge. They have three kids—four-year-old twins, Denise and Samantha, and one-year-old Louis. Miriam wants you there by six." She paused. "They're really sweet, but Samantha loves to go exploring, and, well, they might be a bit of a handful. If you could get a friend to go with you, it might help."
Carter sighed. "Well, I could ask Pyle. He's great with kids."
Bunny readily agreed. "Oh, yes! Get Gomer!" After a moment's thought, she asked, "Do you know anyone else? It might be best to have three people. I've baby-sat for the Lodges before, and there can be problems."
Carter looked out the door and saw someone coming. "Yes, I think I do know another one. And here he comes."
Boyle entered. "Hi, Vince. Headquarters wants you to look these papers over. There's a new man transferring into our platoon." He handed Carter ten forms.
Then he noticed the strange way Carter was looking at him. "Huh? What's up, Vince?"
Carter placed a hand over the phone's receiver. "Look, Boyle, I got trapped into baby-sitting some kids. Their mother is a friend of Bunny's, and she suggested bringing a couple of others along. So I was just wondering . . ."
Boyle knew what was coming. He was amused. "Sure, Vince. I'd be happy to help."
Carter laughed. "I knew you would, Boyle." He removed his hand from the receiver. "Hello, Bunny? I've got the third baby-sitter!"
Delighted, Bunny told him to bring the others and arrive at the Lodges' mansion at promptly six.
After hanging up, Carter rushed out the door to inform Gomer of his part in their new adventure. Boyle started typing. He was amused with the whole thing. He wondered what would happen when they arrived at the Lodges'. One thing was certain: Nothing expected. Nothing expected ever happened to them.
