It's Me, It's Me, It's Ernest T.!

Scene 1: Ext. Camp Henderson—day. Gomer is rushing frantically towards the duty hut, calling:

GOMER (frantically): "Sergeant Carter! Sergeant Carter!"

(Camera follows Gomer inside, where he stops and looks around. Corporal Boyle is typing. He looks up.)

BOYLE: "The Sarge isn't here right now, Pyle. What's up?"

GOMER: "Oh, it's awful! It's just awful!"

BOYLE: "What is?"

GOMER: "I just heard on the radio that those Marine kidnappers have escaped from the state prison!"

BOYLE (slightly puzzled): "Marine kidnappers?"

GOMER (nods): "Uh huh. You know, Corporal, those guys who go around kidnappin' Marines."

BOYLE (slightly amused): "Oh. Well, I'm sure they won't come here, Pyle."

(At that precise moment, a rather large rock thumps on the desk. Boyle and Gomer start.)

GOMER: "Shazam! It must be those Marine kidnappers an' they threw one of those things in!"

(Just then, a mountain man walks through the door, toting a burlap bag of bricks and rocks.)

ERNEST T.: "Howdy!"

(Boyle and Gomer whirl around. They both stare, then a spark of recognition shows in Gomer's eyes.)

GOMER: "Ernest T. Bass!"

ERNEST T.: "Surprise, surprise! I can see it in your eyes!"

Scene 2: Int. the duty hut—day. Ernest T. is perched on the Sergeant's desk. Boyle is arranging files and Gomer is at the Sergeant's desk.

GOMER: "Well, my, my! What're you doin' here anyway, Ernest T.?"

ERNEST T.: "Oh, I thought I'd come down and see you. An' I'm a-tryin' to find just the right girl to take back to the mountains as my bride."

GOMER: "Ernest T., I thought you had a girl."

ERNEST T.: "Well, Romeena an' me, we had a quarrel about ejucation, so I's a-gonna find somebody else. I've already looked through Mayberry and thought I'd see who I could find here. (Changes subject.) Wasn't that a purty little rock I tossed through that there winder? (Points to window.) I didn't even break the glass!"

GOMER: "It was a good toss, alright enough, Ernest T., but . . . (Gently) you really shouldn't throw rocks. You might hurt somebody."

ERNEST T.: "Oh, I never hit nobody! Watch."

(Boyle closes the drawer and attempts to stop him. Gomer does the same, to no avail. Ernest T. throws a rock through the open door and it soars clear over to the mess hall. Then the Sergeant walks in, puzzled.)

SGT. CARTER: "What was that? I just saw something land on the mess hall's roof!"

BOYLE (monotone): "Meet Ernest T. Bass, Sarge. He's a friend of Pyle's."

SGT. CARTER (puzzled): "Huh?"

ERNEST T.: "Surprise, surprise! I can see it in yer eyes!"

GOMER: "Ernest T. is a champion rock thrower, Sergeant. He was just demonstratin.'"

SGT. CARTER (unbelievingly): "Demonstrating! That rock could've hurt somebody! (Turns to Boyle, eyes flashing.) Why didn't you stop him?"

BOYLE: "Sarge, we tried! He throws a fast rock."

SGT. CARTER: "I don't care what kind of rock he throws! You should've stopped him!"

GOMER: "Don't blame him, Sergeant! It's all my fault! I was right here. I should've stopped him!"

ERNEST T.: "What's all the fuss 'bout? I didn't hit nobody!"

BOYLE (to Ernest T.): "No, but you could've. Can't you take up a safer hobby?"

(Ernest T. is about to object when Sergeant Hacker enters.)

SGT. HACKER: "Alright! What's going on here? I just found a rock on the mess hall's roof!"

(Ernest T. steps in front of him and holds out a hand to shake.)

ERNEST T.: "If yer're wond'rin' who I be, it's me, it's me, it's Ernest T.!"

SGT. HACKER (not amused): "What is this? Some kind of gag?"

SGT. CARTER: "Uh . . . it's all very logical, Charley. (Pushes Boyle in front of him.) Boyle can explain, can't you, Boyle?"

(Boyle is about to say something when Ernest T. gleefully takes the floor.)

ERNEST T. (gleefully): "I'll explain! Everythin' was my doin'! (Slightly irritated.) I just don't cotton to all these rules! Imagine! A guy can't even throw a little rock!"

SGT. HACKER (points; unbelievingly): "You?"

ERNEST T.: "Uh huh."

SGT. CARTER (annoyed): "Well, if you know you're not supposed to throw rocks, why did you?"

ERNEST T. (slightly wounded tone): "I just wanted to prove that I never hit nobody!"

GOMER (to Sergeant Hacker): "Ernest T. didn't mean no harm, Sergeant Hacker, but it won't happen again."

SGT. HACKER (turns to go): "It better not! (Looks back, straight at Carter, holds up a finger.) You just see that it doesn't, Vince! Because the next time it might fly inside and land in the food! And next time, I might not dismiss it so willingly!"

(Sgt. Hacker exits. Everyone stares after him. Ernest T. goes to the door and calls:)

ERNEST T.: "Don't you worry none 'bout that! I always hit where I aim! And I never aim fer the food!"

(Gomer, Sgt. Carter and Boyle look at each other, as we)

Scene 3: Int. the duty hut—night. Boyle is typing when another large rock comes flying through the window, landing on the desk and narrowly missing him. He starts, then half-smiles and resumes typing. Ernest T. waltzes in just then.

ERNEST T.: "It's me, it's me, it's Ernest T.!

(Boyle looks up.)

ERNEST T.: (Continuing; impishly.) "You didn't even know I was here, did ya?"

BOYLE: "I knew alright, Ernest T."

(Indicates rock.)

ERNEST T.: "Well, I just dropped in 'cause I wants me a girl, and I want you and that Sergeant and Gomer to help me get one!"

BOYLE: "This is a Marine base, not a Lonely Hearts club!"

ERNEST T.: "Aren't there any lady Marines?"

BOYLE: "Yeah, but they're not stationed here."

ERNEST T. (disappointed): "They're not?"

BOYLE: "No."

ERNEST T. (pauses): "Well, where are they stationed? On KSL?"

(Boyle looks extremely puzzled, then realizes what Ernest T. thought and grins.)

BOYLE: "No, at least not to my knowledge."

ERNEST T.: "Do you have a girl?"

BOYLE: "No."

ERNEST T. (disappointed): "Oh. I was hopin' that if you had a girl, she'd have some friends I could meet."

BOYLE: "I don't have any girls, but Pyle and the Sarge do. Maybe they have some friends you could meet."

ERNEST T. (excited): "You think so? I'll find 'em right now an' ask!"

(Ernest T. tears out the door. Boyle stares after him, amused.)

Scene 4: Int. the Bluebird Cafe—night. Gomer, Sgt. Carter, and Boyle are in a booth. Gomer is chatting enthusiastically about the new monster movie.

GOMER: "Oh, it's real good! We oughtta go see it!"

SGT. CARTER (sarcastically): "Oh, yes, Pyle. We just have to see The Monster From Minneapolis. The world will collapse if we don't."

GOMER: "You see, it's about the brother of the Monster from Minnesota. An' he wants to free his brother from the people who locked him up. Then he falls in love."

(The Sergeant looks disgusted with the whole thing. Boyle looks amused.)

GOMER: "And you know what happens in the end?"

(The Sergeant glares at him.)

BOYLE: "What happened, Pyle?"

(The Sergeant turns to glare at Boyle.)

GOMER: "Well, he falls in love with a woman and he tells her if she'll help him free his brother they won't cause any more trouble. And she does, and the monsters keep their promise."

SGT. CARTER (annoyed): "Pyle!"

GOMER (shrugs): "Well, it is kind of corny, but it's still good."

(The Sergeant rolls his eyes.)

GOMER (checks his watch): "The next showing is in ten minutes. Why don't we all go see it?"

SGT. CARTER (firmly): "No!"

GOMER (doubtful): "Well, alright. (Brightens.) Hey, I have an idea! Why don't we see Godzilla Meets the President? It's a great espionage story."

(The Sergeant throws him a look. Gomer shrugs.)

GOMER: "Well, it was just an idea."

(The Sergeant looks annoyed, Boyle looks amused, as we)

Scene 5: The streets of town—night. Boyle is at the bus stop when Ernest T. comes rushing up.

ERNEST T.: "Hey! Guess what!"

BOYLE: "What?"

ERNEST T.: "I've found myself a girl!"

BOYLE: "Really?"

ERNEST T.: "Uh huh. She's the purdiest thing!"

BOYLE: "What's her name?"

ERNEST T.: "Bunny Olsen!"

(Boyle stares at him a minute.)

BOYLE (protesting): "Bunny Olsen is Sergeant Carter's girl!"

ERNEST T. (disappointed): "Oh. (Brightens; new thought.) Is he beholdin' to her yet?"

BOYLE: "Well . . . no."

ERNEST T.: "Then I still have a chance with her! If he's not beholdin' to her, I've still got a chance."

BOYLE (protesting): "They're not engaged yet, but they are going steady."

ERNEST T.: "Don't matter. If they ain't settin' up the date, she's a free woman and I got as much a chance with her as anybody else!"

BOYLE (to the audience): "Oh brother! The Sarge is not going to like this!"

Scene 6: Int. the duty hut—day. The Sergeant is pacing the floor. Boyle is watching.

SGT. CARTER (miffed): "I don't understand it, Boyle! (Stops pacing, looks at Boyle.) Why Bunny? Why does that nut have to pick my girl?"

BOYLE: "Well, Sarge, she's real pretty. And she has a great personality. I can see why he'd want her."

SGT. CARTER: "Why is it always me? Some kind of bad luck is always happening to me. And it all started when one certain guy joined the Marines. (Holds up finger to emphasize point. Now a new thought occurs and he glares at Boyle and says angrily:) Why didn't you stop him, Boyle?"

BOYLE: "Sarge, I tried. I'm sorry about it, but how do you stop a high-spirited mountain man?"

(The Sergeant glares, exasperated.)

BOYLE (continuing): "Sarge, this is only a guess, but I think the only way you can get him to stop thinking of Bunny is to find him another girl."

(The Sergeant looks at Boyle, flabbergasted and annoyed.)

SGT. CARTER (angrily): "This is the Marines, Boyle, not a Lonely Hearts club!"

BOYLE: "I know that, Sarge, but from what Pyle's told me about this guy, he won't take no for an answer! And you know how determined those mountain people can be."

(The Sergeant just looks at him annoyed, then grabs his hat and heads for the door.)

BOYLE (calling): "Hey! Where are you going, Sarge?"

SGT. CARTER (determined): "I'm going to tell that Ernest T. Bass a thing or two!"

(The Sergeant is about to go out the door, when a large rock comes thumping in and lands on his desk. Boyle and the Sergeant jump. The Sergeant turns back around, sees the rock, picks it up, and is about to throw it back out the window when Boyle stops him.)

BOYLE: "Sarge, don't do that! You might hit somebody! (Looks at rock.) Besides, there's a message attached."

SGT. CARTER: "Huh?"

(Boyle takes the rock and unwraps a message from around it. Then he opens and reads it.)

BOYLE (reading note): "‘I just talked to Miss Bunny. She says she's your girl and she can't date me, and that she's a city girl and wouldn't like living in the mountains. You better find me a mountain-girl real fast or I'll go on a rock-throwing rampage. Signed, Ernest T. Bass, Ex-Boyfriend of Bunny Olsen's.'"

(Boyle folds note and looks at the Sergeant. He looks back, distressed, as we,)

Scene 7: Int. the duty hut—day. It's just moments after Boyle has read Ernest T.'s note. The Sergeant now looks annoyed.

BOYLE: "That note really has you worried, doesn't it, Sarge?"

SGT. CARTER (annoyed, with a hint of doubt): "Of course I'm not worried, Boyle! What's a rock or two? That nut probably didn't even mean what he said."

(Boyle looks at him like he doesn't believe a word he's said. The Sergeant returns the stare, annoyed. He's about to say something when Gomer comes rushing in.)

GOMER (yelling): "Sergeant Carter! Sergeant Carter!"

(They both turn to look.)

SGT. CARTER (warily): "What is it, Pyle?"

GOMER: "Oh, Sergeant Carter, it's just awful! It's just awful!"

SGT. CARTER (exasperated): "What is?"

BOYLE (curious): "Yeah, Pyle, what is it? You seem awfully nervous."

GOMER (calming down a little): "Well, you remember Ernest T. Bass?"

(They both nod.)

GOMER (continuing): "And you know how he was wantin' a girl?"

(They nod again.)

GOMER (continuing): "And you know how he was wantin' Miss Bunny?"

SGT. CARTER (exasperated): "For heavens' sake, Pyle! Tell us!"

GOMER: "Well, I was just thinkin' about him an' his girls when this big rock came flyin' through the window. And it had a message attached. An' you know what it said?"

(The Sergeant looks at him, about ready to scream.)

GOMER (continuing; takes note out of pocket): "Well, it said, ‘I warned your sergeant. No girl, no peace. This is your last warning.' Sergeant, he's gonna go on a rock-throwing rampage if there's no girl in twenty-four hours. He might break every window here! And what if he hurts someone? We've gotta find him a girl, Sergeant!"

(The Sergeant looks annoyed, although he's really quite worried.)

SGT. CARTER (annoyed, goes back to his desk): "Is that all you came to tell me, Pyle?"

GOMER: "Well, yes, Sergeant. I thought you ought to know."

SGT. CARTER (he's started doing paper work; now he looks up, annoyed): "Pyle, I'm not interested in hearing about some mountain nut ranting about getting a girl!"

GOMER (protests): "But, Sergeant, he wants us to help him get one! And if we don't, he's going to break all our windows! If Colonel Gray hears about it, he won't like it! And Sergeant, what if someone gets hurt?"

(The Sergeant points to the door.)

SGT. CARTER (yelling): "Out! Get out, Pyle!"

(Gomer reluctantly heads for the door, then stops and turns around.)

GOMER: "But Sergeant . . ."

SGT. CARTER (yelling): "Out!"

(Gomer leaves. All this time, Boyle has been watching and listening. Now he turns to the Sergeant.)

BOYLE: "I don't know, Sarge. These mountain people usually are serious when they make threats like that. I think this Ernest T. Bass means business."

(The Sergeant looks like he's about to start yelling at Boyle, then reconsiders and goes back to his paper work, as we)

Scene 8: Ext. Camp Henderson—a cloudy day. Gomer is raking leaves when Ernest T. comes rushing up to him, looking excited.

ERNEST T. (excitedly): "Hey! Gomer! Guess what!"

GOMER: "What?"

ERNEST T.: "I've found me a girl! (Pauses.) You don't object, do you?"

GOMER (happily): "Why, no! Of course not! I think it's wonderful that you've found a girl!"

ERNEST T.: "Well, I'm sure glad! (Turns to go.) Well, I's a-gonna get me a ring! 'Bye, Gomer!"

GOMER (waving): "'Bye!"

(Gomer, looking much happier than he did before, returns to raking leaves, as we.)

Scene 9: Int. the duty hut—early evening. Boyle is typing. The Sergeant isn't there. Ernest T. comes tearing in. Boyle looks up.

ERNEST T.: "Guess what?"

BOYLE: "What?"

ERNEST T.: "I've found me a girl! (Giggles.) I was just buying a box of cracker jacks so's I could get the ring out to give her! (Holds up ring.) Do you think she'll like it?"

(Boyle takes ring, looks it over, hands it back.)

BOYLE: "Yeah, I think she will. (Pauses.) How long have you known this girl?"

ERNEST T.: "Oh, I haven't even met her yet. I just saw her talkin' to that Miss Bunny and knew she was perfect!"

(Boyle grins slightly.)

BOYLE: "Well, Ernest T., you don't just walk up to a woman you've never met and propose!"

ERNEST T.: "Oh, I realize that. I'm gonna give her a proper courtship first. I realize we have to get to know each other first. Give me a week before I propose."

(Boyle is about to say something, but isn't sure how to say it. Ernest T. turns to go. Boyle suddenly gets a thought and calls after him:)

BOYLE: "Hey, do you know her name?"

(Ernest T. comes back, grinning.)

ERNEST T.: "Uh huh. I heard Miss Bunny call her ‘Lou-Ann.' She's the purdiest thing! And you know, she comes from North Carolina too!"

(Boyle looks at him like he's hoping he heard wrong.)

BOYLE (monotone): "If she's the Lou-Ann I'm thinking of, she's Gomer Pyle's girl!"

ERNEST T. (disappointed): "Oh. (Brightens.) But is he beholdin' to her?"

BOYLE (reluctantly): "Well . . . no."

ERNEST T. (triumphantly): "Well, then, she's a free woman and anybody's got a chance with her—includin' me!"

BOYLE (to audience; ruefully): "Oh brother. Here we go again!"

Scene 10: Int. the duty hut—night. Boyle is typing. Gomer comes in, looking ecstatic.

GOMER (excitedly): "Corporal! Guess what! Ernest T.'s found himself a girl!"

(Boyle looks up.)

GOMER (continuing; excitedly): "Isn't it great?"

BOYLE (gently): "Well, I'm not sure it's all that great, Pyle."

(Gomer looks puzzled.)

GOMER (perplexed): "What do you mean, Corporal?"

BOYLE (gently): "I wish I didn't have to tell you this, Pyle, but Ernest T. Bass has found Lou-Ann."

(Gomer is taken aback. His eyes grow wide.)

GOMER (injured tone): "You mean Lou-Ann Poovie?"

(Boyle doesn't answer. His look tells Gomer he's right.)

GOMER (continuing): "Golly. First Miss Bunny, now Lou-Ann."

BOYLE (apologetically): "I tried to stop him, Pyle, but he said that if you weren't beholding to her, anyone could have her, including himself."

(Gomer slowly backs up towards the door, stricken.)

GOMER (unbelievingly; to himself): "Ernest T. is takin' our girls! I know how mountain people are, but I never thought . . ."

(He doesn't finish. He leaves. Boyle stares after him with a "What are we going to do now" look, then returns to typing, as we)

Scene 11: Int. the Bluebird Cafe—night. Boyle is in a booth, reading the menu, when Ernest T. comes along, sees him, and jumps in the booth, toting his burlap bag of rocks and bricks. Boyle looks up.

ERNEST T.: "Hey there!"

BOYLE: "Hello."

ERNEST T.: "I'm a-gonna go over to Miss Lou-Ann's apartment and ask fer a date!"

(Boyle is trying to figure out what to say.)

ERNEST T. (continuing): "I hope I have better luck with her than with Romeena!"

BOYLE (slowly): "Uh, Ernest T., what happened with you and Ramona anyway? Pyle told me you were getting along great."

ERNEST T. (nods): "Uh huh, we was, until she started complainin' that I didn't have enough of an ejucation to suit her. (Slightly miffed.) Why, I have plenty of ejucation! (Reaches into pocket and pulls out a rolled up piece of paper.) See, this here's my diploma when I graduated from Helen Crump's fifth grade class. I'm gonna show it to Lou-Ann."

(Boyle takes diploma, looks it over, hands it back.)

BOYLE (slowly): "Ernest T., maybe you ought to give it another chance with Ramona."

ERNEST T.: "Oh, there's no need fer that now that I have Lou-Ann."

BOYLE: "Ernest T., you don't just take a girl away from a guy."

ERNEST T.: "But if they ain't settin' the date, anyone has a chance."

BOYLE: "Ernest T., just think about something for a minute. What if you had a girl and you were going steady with her and then some other guy came along and took her away from you, claiming that anyone has a chance with her because you aren't engaged to her yet. And what if the girl still wanted to be with you instead of the other guy?"

(Ernest T. contemplates situation for a minute, then looks up.)

ERNEST T.: "Well, I don't think I'd cotton to it too much. (New thought.) But I'm not sure Romeena even wants to make up."

BOYLE: "Well, I'm sure she wouldn't want to stay mad at you. Why don't you give it another chance?"

(Ernest T.'s about to say something when Gomer and Sergeant Carter come in.)

ERNEST T.: "'Scuse me a minute."

(He goes over to them. The Sergeant looks apprehensive.)

ERNEST T.: "I'm sorry I tried to take your girls away from you."

(Picks up burlap bag from floor.)

GOMER: "That's alright, Ernest T. (Notices bag.) Where you goin'?"

ERNEST T.: "Oh, I thought I'd head on back to the hills. Might as well not hang around here no more. Maybe I'll give up any thoughts of femalin'. It was nice seein' you, Gomer."

GOMER: "An' it was nice seein' you, too, Ernest T. When you get back to Mayberry, tell everyone Gomer says ‘hey.'"

ERNEST T. (grins slightly): "I will. (Turns to Carter.) An' it was nice meetin' you, Sergeant. Sorry 'bout Miss Bunny."

SGT. CARTER: "Oh, that's alright."

(Ernest T. turns around and waves to Boyle, who's been watching the whole thing.)

ERNEST T.: "An' it was nice meetin' you, Corporal!"

BOYLE (waves back): "Nice meeting you, Ernest T. But maybe you ought to stop throwing rocks."

SGT. CARTER: "He's right. You might hit somebody!"

ERNEST T. (slightly incensed): "I never hit nobody! (Opens bag, takes out rock, much to everyone's horror. Boyle comes over from the booth.) Watch! I'll prove it to you! I'm gonna hit that wall over there, behind the chef!"

(He aims to throw rock. All three reach to restrain him, but the rocks soars over there and lands right where Ernest T. aimed. The chef looks over in shock. The Marines look at him, then at Ernest T.)

ERNEST T. (triumphantly): "See? I told you I never hit nobody!"

(The Sergeant looks slightly miffed. Gomer and Boyle look at each other and grin, as we)

Scene 12: Ext. Camp Henderson—day. Gomer, Sergeant Carter, and Boyle are walking along.

SGT. CARTER: "Pyle, you certainly have some nutty friends! Imagine knowing a mountain nut who throws bricks and rocks and thinks every girl who isn't engaged to someone he can have!"

GOMER: "Oh, it's just his way, Sergeant. Mountain people are a little different than other folks."

(The Sergeant looks at him as if to say, "A little?" Boyle looks amused. And suddenly . . .)

ERNEST T. (off-screen): "It's me, it's me, it's Ernest T.!"

(Everyone looks into the distance. And then Ernest T. appears, minus his burlap bag. He waves.)

ERNEST T.: "Howdy!"

GOMER (excited; slightly puzzled): "Well, Ernest T.! I thought you were leavin'!"

ERNEST T. (nods): "Uh huh, I am, just now, but first I want you to meet someone!"

(A pretty brunette girl walks over, smiling.)

ERNEST T. (continuing): "This is Romeena Ancrum!"

GOMER: "Shazam! Hey, Miss Ramona!"

RAMONA: "Hello, all!"

GOMER (puzzled): "I don't understand, Ernest T. I thought you and Ramona had a quarrel."

ERNEST T. (nods): "We did, but the Corporal suggested we make up. (To Boyle.) That suggestion really works!"

(The Sergeant looks at Boyle. He looks back.)

GOMER: "How did you get clear out here, Miss Ramona?"

RAMONA: "Well, my aunt came out here to find an old friend, and I came along. Ernest T. and I met at a diner last night."

(Off-screen voice calls:)

SOCIETY LADY: "Ramona! Mr. Bass! Our plane is leaving in a hour!"

RAMONA: "That's my aunt. We'd better go. It was nice meetin' you boys! You're lucky to know Ernest T."

(Ernest T. and Ramona turn to go. Ernest T. turns back with an impish grin.)

ERNEST T.: "Until again we meet, I'll always be it's me, it's me, it's Ernest T.!"

(Everyone waves goodbye. Ernest T. and Ramona, giggling happily, leap-frog a near-by tree stump and scamper away. Everyone looks on.)

BOYLE: "Well, I guess it's true what they say: ‘There's a woman for every man!'"

(The Sergeant looks rather bemused. Gomer grins. Boyle shades his eyes and looks on.)