Learning to Live

                                                                By: Liz

 

 

          I’ve always been the joking sort. You know, one of those guys that’s always good for a laugh. But even so, not everything for me was fun and games. The others…well, they couldn’t see the pain that I had inside. Yes, I hate to admit it, but this mighty god of death kept a lot bottled up inside, and I suffered from frequent nightmares…I still do, from time to time. The only one that saw through my clown exterior was Hilde. She was the one that saved me.

          Whenever I woke up from a horrible nightmare with tears streaming down my face, she was there at my side, ready to listen and comfort. I could talk to her about anything. With her loving guidance I learned how to confront my past and combat the nightmares.

She taught me much about how to deal with my emotions…and with the war. A lot of people say that they have a shining, guiding star. Well, my star was Hilde…and I like to think that she shone brighter than all the rest. She was my life; my angel…and I could see a happy future in her beautiful eyes. But now…well, now I can’t see that future anymore. I’m sure that there’s still one there…but now I’ll have to find it for myself, even though it won’t be the same one I had hoped for.

Yes, not too long ago, I learned of a devastating truth. Hilde, my Hilde, was ill. Doctor visits and medication brought hope, but whenever I looked into those eyes of hers, I could tell that she knew. She knew all along…she was leaving me. I didn’t want to believe it, but of course I didn’t. I can remember countless times when she had tried to tell me…but I had refused to accept it.

I loved her with all my heart…but whenever I got close to telling her my true feelings, my emotional barrier went up and I just couldn’t say it. Was I afraid of rejection? You bet. For so long we had been the best of friends and I wasn’t sure if she wanted to be anymore than that…just friends.

And so, the months had passed, and she had gotten worse. But even though she became thin and frail and had to move into a hospital room, her eyes never lost their beauty. I can remember visiting her every day and the first thing I would see would be her bright eyes looking back at me.

But I knew her end was near one day when I came to see her. As soon as I entered through the door, she motioned me over to her bedside. Her face was not as bright and her skin was pale…it hurt me to see her that way. As I sat in the chair next to her bed she leaned close to me. She whispered quietly in my ear, “Duo, please don’t forget me. But when I’m gone, I want you to move on with your life. There are so many possibilities out there for you…and trust me, they are better than just sitting around in a hospital room.”

As the initial shock of her words wore off, I had promised her that I would never, could never, forget her. I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to live without her smiling face, but for her sake, I made that promise to go on with my life.

And that was the day, the moment, when I just knew I couldn’t hold my feelings inside any longer. And I told her. I watched nervously while her face changed from disbelief to happiness as I let her know of my deep love for her. I caressed her face with my hand and I gave her the kiss I had waited so long for. And then I knew that she loved me too.

That moment is forever etched into my memory as the happiest one of my life. But all too soon it was followed by the saddest. After that day, her health began to deteriorate rapidly and I took up residence next to her bedside. The doctors knew that nothing more could be done, but they didn’t have to tell me. I already knew…but no forewarning could have prepared me for losing my angel.

It was not long before I found myself at her side, telling her that everything would be all right. She just looked up at me with those breathtaking blue eyes and told me that though she was going on, she would wait for me…forever if she had to. She reached up with her frail hand and cradled my face, which was wet with tears.

Then our eyes locked in an eternal gaze...and that one look said everything that we didn’t have the words for, or just didn’t have the time to say. It would have taken me a lifetime to tell her how much she meant to me, and how much I would miss her. But that one look was enough.

As her last breaths came and went, she sighed in happiness and a small smile curved her lips. I held her hand tight in mine and our eyes didn’t release their gaze until hers closed for the last time.

 

I will always remember her, for no one can ever forget an angel. She was my true love; she brought me through the war, and through my darkest nights. Of all the things I take with me through my life, I will always remember the lesson she taught me. It was because of her that I learned what’s really important; because of her, I learned how to live. And live I shall, for I have not forgotten that promise I made to her. And in my heart I know that I’ll see her again…because even though death gods don’t always go to heaven, angels always do.