"This job would be perfect if it wasn't for the f***in' customers." With that one line, Kevin Smith summarized the bliss and the agony inherent for those of us with the honorably lowly job of Counter Jockeys. While being paid barely-above minimum wage, we are responsible for making sure that people can get the snacks, drinks, and essentials that people want when their supplies are not low enough to warrant a trip to the supermarket, megastore, or bulk warehouse, handling your money/bank cards/food stamps, maintaining basic levels of public health standards, and enforcing state law. In short, we are stressed. What can you do? I'm glad you asked. In case you didn't notice the headline above (and if you're like most convenience store customers, you probably DIDN'T), I have collected several guidelines for you to follow when you come into a convenience store--especially during Graveyard shift (10pm-6am), when I am The Master of The Circle K domain.
1) Wait a few seconds before yelling. The employee might have his/her hands full in the cooler.
2) If you are a male under the age of 27, or appear to be under that age, keep your movements very slow and deliberate around the beer cooler.
3) Look before asking. Just because the employee bears the title of "Customer Service Representative" doesn't mean that said employee is paid to point out that the customer is standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF the cappuccino machine, or that THE PRICE of most salty snacks (like cheetos) IS PRINTED RIGHT ON THE BAG.
4) Have some idea of what you want when you come in. There is very little that can be done when only one customer is in the store, and the employee can stock four shelves of Gatorade--or, heaven forbid, BEER--in the time that it takes a browsing "customer" to decide that ALL THEY WANT IS A 25-CENT PACK OF GUM.
5) On a related note, DON'T SPEND AN HOUR READING ALL THE MAGAZINES WITHOUT BUYING ANY. Don't even get me started.
6) If you should decide that you don't want the slushee/soda/coffee that you've dispensed, DO NOT THROW THE FULL CUP IN THE TRASH CAN! CUPS ARE INVENTORY! Employee will be more kind-hearted if you simply hand employee the cup and say "I'm sorry, I decided I don't want this. Would you mind taking care of this?" Employee might still glare at you for your indecisiveness at a time when employee could be stocking the shelves, but the frustration will pass in a couple seconds. Better yet: Leave the cup on top of the drip-catcher, or on the counter next to the dispenser. Avoid the glare!
7) Depending on state/national laws, if the employee tells you it's too late to buy alcohol, it's too late to buy alcohol. Employee does not care what your watch says, nor what the person on the radio says. Employee will not change mind because of cajoling, seducing, or other means of persuasion. The law is the law. I have been driven to yell--I repeat, YELL--at regular customers when they tried to debate the time with me.
7a) Do not steal beer. Besides being against the law, it is a flagrant violation of The Guy Code, as enumerated by Maxim magazine.
8) If the employee says there is no public restroom, don't whine and beg and tell the employee about your horrible bladder/bowel condition. Employee does not want to clean up your s***, and employee DEFINITELY doesn't want their S.O. to practice necrophilia, intentional or not (see Clerks)
9) WOMEN: If your clothes do not have pockets, PLEASE bring a purse or some other publicly acceptable carrier for your money. It is frickin' AWKWARD when a female customer is digging inside her bra for her money. Remember: stores have security cameras.
10) Speaking of money: Most convenience stores have signs that say "We carry less than $50 in the register", or something to that effect. Also, I have NEVER seen a convenience store displaying a sign that said "Insured by FDIC", or anything of a similar nature, which probably means that said store is NOT a bank/credit union/savings & loan. My point? DO NOT ASK TO BREAK BILLS LARGER THAN A TWENTY UNLESS YOU ARE BUYING MORE THAN TWENTY DOLLARS WORTH OF MERCHANDISE/SERVICES!!!! It takes time to make change, and it usually results in a line, which pisses me off, and it pisses off everyone in said line.
On a similar note, save your twenties for purchases of mass quantities. We tend to run low on fives, and it doesn't help when we get five people in a row giving us twenties for a coffee and pastry that comes out to $2.28, and we don't have any tens.
11) People always ask me if I get scared working graveyard because of the stereotype of the "Stop 'n' Rob" that gets hit every other week. My store is safe, because I watch certain types of people, such as males in their teens/twenties who--
{a} Keep the hoods of their sweaters up. Why are you hiding your face? Also includes those who wear sunglasses at 2:05 AM
{b} Pull up near the front, their car sprawled sideways, with the motor still running. Oh no, that's not suspicious at ALL.
{c} Come in with a group of four or more, especially those that hang around the beer coolers or the hot dog grill which is right next to the liquor shelves behind the counter.
12)Do not abuse "the race card". If I tell you I can not take credit cards for certain items, or if I do not respond to you sarcastically saying "You're Welcome" after we've been silent for the rest of the transaction.... it's not because you're black and I'm some oppressive hateful cracker. I just hate people who think they're entitled to whatever they want in spite of whatever rules may be in place.
hmm... yeah, I think that's all for now. I know it's late, people, but you still need to use your brains. Thank you for your consideration. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to stock everything that day-shift had to leave undone because of their own struggles with Teh Stoopid.
Oh, just get me the smeg out of here!
Who is this Kevin Smith, and what is this Clerks which you speak?
