IF YOU'VE BEEN AVOIDING COUNSELING:
Although it's right to choose carefully, don't be so cautious that you feel no one person can meet your qualifications.
‘I kept picking counselors that I could easily get rid of. I went to
seven different counselors for either one or two sessions. I would
go to great lengths to find people who worked far away from where I
lived, so I could say, "Oh well, this is too far to drive. I would
pick nontraditional therapies because I didn't want to work on things.
One time I picked a past life counselor, and you know that wasn't what
I needed to work on! I'd make the initial appointment because I felt
desperate. Within one or two visits, I wouldn't be that desperate, and
so I'd quit.’
Soledad only wanted to see a lesbian Chicana counselor who had worked
with sexual abuse. Since there was no one who met these specifications
in her area, she could have talked herself out of going to therapy.
But she decided getting help was more important. She compromised and
found a skilled woman who has effectively facilitated her healing.
WHAT DOES EFFECTIVE COUNSELING FEEL LIKE?
When you work with a good counselor, you should feel understood and
supported. You should feel warmth between you and your counselor. And
that should happen early in the therapy process.
However, you can't judge whether it's good therapy by the way you feel
in the moment. Some women experience counseling as a haven they can't
wait to get to. Others dread every session and have to force
themselves to go. One woman said, "There were times I was absolutely
terrified of going to therapy. I don't know how I drove there, how I
got out of my car, how I got through the door."
Counseling is not always comfortable, but you know you're with a good
counselor when you develop more and more skills to heal yourself as
time goes on. You become able to recognize your own patterns and to
feel and interpret your own emotions. Even if there's an initial
period of strong dependency, you should eventually become more
independent. Frank Lanou was able to do this for Gizelle:
"I really owe a lot to my counselor. When I was struggling time and
again and would say, 'Where do I go from here? What should I do?' He
would say, 'Trust your process. Trust yourself. You know.' The
greatest gift he's given me is belief in myself. He constantly
reflected to me my own knowing and my own power, my own ability to
heal. He never gave me the answers. He never did the healing. It's
very important to work with people who help you get back your power,
who help you get back your trust in your body, in your instincts, in
your gut, in your voice, in YOU.
IF YOU FEEL THERE'S A PROBLEM
If you don't feel respected, valued, or understood, or if your
experience is being minimized or distorted, that's a sign that you're
in bad therapy, or at least that there's a bad fit between you and the
counselor. If you feel there is something wrong in the therapy
relationship, or if you get upset or angry with your counselor, talk
about it in your session. Afterward, you should feel you've been heard
and understood. However, if your counselor discounts your feelings or
responds defensively, then you're not getting the respect you need.
Look elsewhere.
If a counselor ever wants to have a sexual relationship with you, get
out right away. Report the therapist to the appropriate licensing
board. If you have had a bad or abusive experience with a counselor,
you have a right to be angry. And if you decide to try counseling
again, carefully read the guidelines for picking a counselor to protect
yourself in the future
From Courage to Heal (pp 461-462)
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