AUTHOR: Matt
RATING: PG, mainly for some swearing
SUMMARY: Jack can’t make anyone understand him so he’s left with his own thoughts – and Carter.
SEASON / SPOILERS: Two, during Fifth Race / None.
CATEGORY: Slight angst, S/J, not quite UST but possibly approaching it.
ARCHIVE: SJD and my own site.
DISCLAIMER: Characters belong to MGM, Gekko et al. I make no money from this and one day I WILL use my own original characters and situations – just not today.
NOTE: For Jara, who gave me the initial idea when I asked for one. I hope this is okay, hon.
THANKS: To Deanie, Jodi Marie and Allie for the beta.
If he could have found somewhere to bang his head against a wall, Jack was certain he might have done it. His team mates were watching over him like clichéd hawks though, plus there was no telling what contact to a blunt object might do to his already crazed brain. If all was right with the world, then the sudden hit would have knocked all this stuff out of his head, but luck wasn’t usually with him.
The most annoying thing was that he could understand himself perfectly. He could even understand those around him. They prattled on in their usual fashion as though he wasn’t there. Just because they couldn’t understand him – there was no need to treat him as though he was an inanimate object.
What he really wanted was some peace and quiet – to find one blessed spot in the Mountain where he could get away from everyone. He wasn’t even safe in the restroom for crying out loud. Daniel had followed him in the last time, standing at a discreet distance while he’d dived into a stall to give himself at least a modicum of privacy. Even then Daniel had called out to him to make sure he was okay. He just hoped Daniel understood whatever had translated as “I’m fine, for crying out loud.”
That was the worst of it. He couldn’t talk to anyone. He couldn’t actually tell them what was going on inside his mind unless he wrote it down. Even then, they looked at his chicken scratch as though it was the worst handwriting they’d ever seen. Given that one of them was actually a medical doctor, that took some nerve. Doctors had the worst handwriting in the universe, not him.
In frustration, he slammed his hand down on his desk, causing Carter to jump slightly. He tried to look apologetic, until he remembered that this was his office and she didn’t have to take a turn playing babysitter. He decided not to perform that action again however; his palm smarted from the impact. Instead, he picked up a pencil and began twisting it between his fingers.
Still, it didn’t stop the frustration, nor the anger that had been steadily building within him since he’d began to experience problems in the briefing. No one had any idea of the damage being done to his brain, or if it was even repairable. For all anyone knew he could die of this, actually die with no chance of some straw-haired aliens to resurrect him.
He guessed this was what he got for sticking his head where it didn’t belong.
The pencil snapped with a sharp crack, forcing Carter’s head to jerk again.
“Sir?” She’d brought her laptop from her lab to his office and had probably been working on some terribly complex issue. It was a wonder her brain didn’t explode at times.
He raised his hands in the universal gesture of frustration and annoyance. That was something she did appear to understand for she gave a sympathetic smile. That angered him even more. How the hell could she sympathise when she’d never been through what he was experiencing?
Oh, wait.
Jolinar.
Okay, so it wasn’t quite the same in that he hadn’t been taken over by an alien being. Oh, wait again. He had had that happen to him. No, this wasn’t the same at all. She’d never been in this particular situation. He reverted back to anger again.
“Sir, I really wish…” The smile on her face grew weak. Her expression turned into one he’d only seen a couple of times before – a look of complete helplessness.
He wished too. He wished he’d not been quite so stupid as to stick his head in that contraption. He wished they’d never gone to that damned planet. He wished someone would tell him they’d found a solution to his problem or that he’d wake up and find it had all been a horrendous dream.
He wished he could tell Carter how her helpless expression always made him feel bad - not bad for him but bad for her. He wanted to tell her that it would be all right, that he had faith in her and her wonderful ability to solve any situation requiring her expertise. He didn’t like seeing her struggle.
Damn, he’d never agreed to any of this when they’d pulled him out of his funk for that first Abydos mission, for what should have been his only mission going through the Stargate. Go through the thing; let the archaeologist connect the symbols to get the rest of the team home, blow up a huge, honking bomb. It was supposed to have been that simple, especially for a guy with a death wish.
Instead, here he was – facing doom on his own doorstep. It was not exactly the way he wanted to go. A blaze of glory would have been better. Something that didn’t mean he had to watch certain members of his team feel utterly helpless as this thing attacked him from the inside. Carter always had this thing about being strong in front of her male peers, not that he could blame her, and it seemed as though they’d only just got her out of the depression caused by Jolinar’s death.
He didn’t want her feeling bad for him; he didn’t want her feeling helpless. The last thing he wanted was for her to descend again into that feeling of nothingness. He’d been there; he knew what it was like: to have nothing grab your interest, that feeling that life wasn’t worth anything. But he’d come through it, and she had too. They’d get through this together.
He stood up, not entirely sure of his plan but knowing they had to get out of this windowless room. She stared at him, uncomprehending – a look he’d come to recognise all too easily as of late. He couldn’t tell her in words to follow him, but he cocked his head indicating that she should. If she was doing her job, she shouldn’t even need that. As far as he knew there were orders for someone to be with him at all times.
He led her through the maze of corridors of the SGC. She didn’t speak to him, not even to ask where he was headed. While they were in the elevator they exchanged glances, eyes locking, and he hoped she could read him while hoping at the same time that he’d not become an open book. He’d developed a strong liking for this tough captain of his. Not that she was his, for that was against regulations, but she was still his in terms of one of his team.
They exited the base into the cool night air of Colorado. The skies were clear and his breath caught as he looked upwards. As they walked further away from the lights of the Mountain, the stars appeared to multiply until they covered the heavens. Out there were all the planets they’d visited over the past year and a half. He could pick out the different constellations at a glance and he wished he could tell Carter which was which.
They stopped a little way down the track in a clearing. Pine trees rose upwards, towering above them, reaching for the stars. It was a beautiful night, spring was approaching. They stared upwards, regarding the clear sky in silence.
She shivered slightly and he cursed without words. He’d been so impulsive that he’d not even thought about the temperature outside. He should have made her grab a coat on the way out. Hell, even though he couldn’t make her understand his words there’d been nothing to stop him striding to her locker and pulling her jacket off the peg.
Without thinking about it further, he reached out to her. She fell into his embrace easily and he rubbed her arms in an effort to warm her. It felt good to hold her, he realised, almost too damn good but he wasn’t about to let that stop him. She needed this. Hell, they both needed this.
She shivered again and he pulled her closer. It’ll be okay, he wanted to tell her. We’ll be fine, we always are. We’ll come through it this time and years from now we’ll look back at this and laugh.
But he couldn’t get the words out. They sounded a completely tangled mess and he gave up with a sigh.
“Yeah,” she said as she snuggled against his chest. “You’re right, we will get through this. We always do.”
FINIS