Timing

By janezy. Send Feedback to janezy@yahoo.com

Rated: R

Written: June -- July 2001

VOY -- J/C

Will Chakotay leave Voyager to join a new crew, and will Captain Janeway be able to cope if he does?

"Seven of Nine to Commander Chakotay."

"Point!" shouted B'Elanna Torres from her side of the hoverball court. Chakotay grinned at her. "No fair. I was distracted." He tapped his comm badge. "Chakotay here."

"Commander, please report to Astrometrics."

"Acknowledged. Well, B'Elanna, it looks like we'll have to cut our game short." He gave her another sheepish grin.

"That's fine. I think I've kicked you around the court enough for today. Same time tomorrow?"

"See you then," he said over his back as he walked through the holodeck doors.

Chakotay wiped the sweat from his brow with the towel draped over his neck. I wonder what Seven can want at this time of night, he thought. He laughed to himself. At least it got me out of that beating I was getting from B'Elanna. She's definitely been practicing.

The doors to Astrometrics slid open and Chakotay walked over to Seven. "What can I do for you?"

"Commander, I have a request of a . . . personal nature."

"Go ahead."

Seven hesitated for a moment, then looked at her console and began punching the keypad. "The Doctor has been encouraging me to develop more meaningful relationships with the crew. In that spirit, I wanted to inform you that I have feelings toward you of a romantic nature and would like to know if you would be able to reciprocate."

Chakotay's grin instantly faded into a blank stare. Seven continued to enter data into the console. Without looking up, she said, "Can I take it from your silence that you do not have similar feelings for me?"

Chakotay shook his head as if to awaken himself. "No. I mean, it's not like that." He paused a moment to collect his thoughts. "I have never thought of you in that way." He looked at Seven to gauge her reaction to his words. He certainly didn't want to hurt her feelings. And the fact that she had reached out to him showed tremendous progress on her part. He didn't want to squash that either. The Doctor had obviously made great strides with her in nurturing her humanity.

"May I suggest that you consider my proposal and get back to me at a later date? Perhaps we can continue this conversation in a few days."

Not knowing what else to say, he simply nodded. "I'll get back to you in a few days," he mumbled, and left Astrometrics.

Several people saw him as he wandered to his quarters and wondered what the dazed look on the commander's face could mean. Maybe Tom Paris would start a new pool on this one.

Chakotay could not remember the last time he had been so confused. Had he done something to lead Seven on? It had been a while since he had thought about anyone in a romantic way. It had been difficult, but after a couple of years pining after the Captain, he began to forcibly distance himself from his sexual side. Every so often, she would look at him in a way that would awaken the old desire in him, but he used every technique he could think of to discipline his mind. He had even researched some Vulcan techniques for controlling emotions. He had to acknowledge that he had virtually no chance of convincing Kathryn to love him as he loved her. Still, he had never been able to even consider loving someone else.

"Lights to 50%" Chakotay said as he entered his quarters and moved toward the replicator. He stood in front of the replicator for several minutes trying to decide what he wanted to eat. Then he gave up and decided to take a shower instead. On his way to the bathroom, he changed his mind again and thought it would be best if he just went to bed. So, he stripped out of his workout clothes and spent a sleepless night staring at the ceiling of his bedroom.

~*~

When Chakotay entered the bridge the next morning, the captain knew something was wrong. "Sleepless night, Commander?" she leaned over and whispered to him.

"Hmm?" He asked distractedly. "Oh. Yes."

Kathryn opened her mouth to say something else, but realized she didn't know what to say. She didn't ever seem to know what to say to him anymore. He was changing right before her eyes, and had been for months. They had stopped eating dinner together. They no longer discussed crew reports after hours. Chakotay didn't pester her to be sure to join the rest of the crew in parties.

She decided against a smart comment. "I'll be in my Ready Room. You have the bridge, Commander."

Chakotay didn't even look up from his monitor to watch the captain leave.

Kathryn sat in her office for a couple of hours attempting to read B'Elanna's latest report on the recalibrations of the warp core. But her mind kept drifting off, trying to think of a way to talk to Chakotay about the distance growing between them. Directness is always the best route, she decided.

"Janeway to Chakotay."

"Chakotay here, Captain."

"Please join me in my Ready Room for a moment."

"On my way."

When he entered the room, Kathryn set right in to the discussion she had played in her head several times over the past couple of hours.

"Commander, have a seat." She waited for him to settle himself. "You don't look well and I'm wondering if there's something wrong."

"No, Captain. Just something of a . . . personal nature." He smiled a little remembering Seven's words to him.

"Chakotay," she said in a more friendly tone. "Why don't you tell me about it. Maybe I can help."

Chakotay considered this for a moment. Should he confess everything to her? It was driving him crazy. Maybe he'd tell her just enough to gauge her response. "One of the female crewmembers approached me. She's interested in forming a . . . romantic attachment."

Janeway was a bit taken aback. In a way, she'd been waiting for this moment for years and had carefully planned what she would say to him. She would tell him that she understood. She would tell him that any woman would be lucky to have him. She would tell him that and a hundred other considerate, thoughtful things. She was quite shocked, then, when an entirely different set of words tumbled out of her mouth.

"Who is it?" she said accusingly, her tone changing completely from the friendly one she had used just moments before.

"I'd rather not say right now."

"It doesn't matter. You know the policy as well as I do. You're free to have a relationship with anyone you wish, as long as she does not directly or indirectly report to you."

Chakotay's eyes began to darken as he understood her meaning. "But everyone on this ship reports to me."

"Not everyone, Commander, and you'd do well to remember that. Dismissed."

Chakotay stared at her for a moment, unwilling to believe that Kathryn had just summarily discarded any possibility for him to have a companion on the long journey home. When she refused to make eye contact, instead picking up a padd and resuming her study of the warp core recalibrations, he got up and slowly left her office, shaking his head.

Tuvok noted the stunned look on the Commander's face as he emerged from the ready room and was not surprised when he went straight to the turbolift, mumbling something about Engineering.

~*~

"Point!" shouted B'Elanna, "and game. You're in terrible form tonight, Chakotay. Is something wrong?"

Chakotay shook his head. "No, nothing's wrong." He turned to begin putting his equipment in his bag and dropped to a cross-legged position on the floor. "Maybe I should rephrase that. So many things are wrong, I don't even know where to start."

B'Elanna joined him on the floor and placed a friendly hand on his leg. "Why don't you just start with the biggest problem, and we'll move from there?" She looked at him expectantly.

"I . . .well, I guess Seven is the biggest problem."

"Isn't she always?" she said, grinning widely.

"Last night, when she called me, she wanted to talk to me about something personal. Basically, she asked me out."

"On a date?"

"Yeah, I think so. I mean, she didn't have anything specific planned, but she made her intentions pretty clear."

"So, are you interested?"

He sighed heavily. "It doesn't really matter whether I'm interested or not. The captain forbade it."

B'Elanna's tone was incredulous. "She told you you couldn't have a relationship with Seven?"

"No, she told me I couldn't have a relationship with anyone who reports to me."

"But Seven doesn't report to you. She's not even Starfleet."

"I am the one who reviews her and checks her progress."

"Well, if you look at it that way, everyone on this ship reports to you. Except for the captain, that is."

"That's what I said," Chakotay agreed grimly.

B'Elanna covered her mouth to hide the laughter she knew was inappropriate, but somehow couldn't seem to stifle. "That's pretty cold. She can't be serious."

"She seemed pretty serious to me."

"Just goes to prove Tom's theory."

Chakotay looked at her questioningly.

"She's frigid as Pluto."

His head snapped up. "That's enough of that, Lieutenant."

"Sorry. But just because she's living the life of a nun doesn't mean everyone here should have to. As far as we've come, we're still closer to where we started than we are to home. She can't expect you to cut yourself off from -- " B'Elanna paused as revelation spread across her face. "You know, now that I think about it, Tom's dead wrong. She's not frigid; she's a smoldering volcano. And she's jealous."

Chakotay stood. "Now, that's really enough. I shouldn't have said anything. It's not for you to speculate on the captain's feelings. And if you breathe a word of this to Tom, I swear . . ." He grabbed his bag and stormed out of the holodeck before he could say something he'd regret.

~*~

Kathryn entered the mess hall earlier than usual the next morning. After finding none of the entrees being served too appealing, she picked up a piece of fruit and moved to pour herself a cup of the latest coffee substitute.

"Good morning, Captain. You're up bright and early." Neelix beamed at her as her refilled a tray full of eggs.

Kathryn returned the smile. "Good morning, Neelix."

"Just a piece of fruit? Are you sure I can't tempt you with one of my delicious omelets? I'm using up the last of the eggs we got on Delati Prime."

"No, thank you. I'm not all that hungry. But, everything smells wonderful." She smiled again as she turned to find a table. She moved toward the corner where Tom Paris and Harry Kim sat, having an animated discussion.

"Good morning, gentlemen. Mind if I join you."

Harry instantly blushed, but was about to offer her a seat. Tom had other ideas.

"Sorry, Captain. We were just on our way out. See you later. Come on, Harry."

Harry smiled awkwardly and followed Tom out the door. "Tom, I can't believe you just left like that. We weren't even done eating. She's sure to notice."

"Well, I don't think I can trust myself to have a civil conversation with her right now. Not after what B'Elanna told us last night."

"Chakotay is right. It isn't our place to judge the captain. I'm sure she has her reasons."

"Oh, she has reasons all right, but I think they have nothing to do with her being the captain and everything to do with her being stubborn and jealous. How would you feel if she told you you had to spend the next forty years alone?"

"She's not going to do that. She's fine with your relationship with B'Elanna, and with all the other relationships that have sprouted up on this ship."

"I know, but I can't help but feel sorry for the old guy. I mean, he's worshipped the ground she walks on since day one, and where does it get him?"

"It's really none of our business."

"Well," said Tom with a sly grin, "maybe we should make it our business."

~*~

Back in the mess hall, Kathryn wondered what those two were up to now. The way Harry reddened at the sight of her, she could only imagine. She chuckled at the sight of them running off, breakfast not even finished. I'm sure it's all in good fun, she thought to herself. Nothing to worry about.

She sat at the table to drink her coffee and read the morning reports. She was not so engrossed, however, that she didn't notice Commander Chakotay enter the mess hall, catch sight of her, and leave again without getting any food.

I can see that this situation is only going to get worse, she thought. She again chastised herself for the way she had dealt with him the day before. I can't believe I was so unsympathetic. I meant only to caution him not to let a relationship interfere with ship's business, and instead tell him he can't have a relationship at all. And I do it in such a way that our own relationship is going to fall apart. Talk about interfering with ship's business.

She decided to have a talk with Chakotay then and there and moved to activate her comm badge to ask him to meet with her right away. But for some reason, she couldn't seem to make her hand complete the gesture. Well, she thought, maybe it would be better if I gave him a few days to settle down.

~*~

The tension on the bridge that morning was palpable. Kathryn looked over at Chakotay several times, but his eyes never moved from the screen at his side. While it looked like he was reviewing crew reports, she noticed that he had been staring at the same one for over forty-five minutes. Finally, she decided she couldn't take any more.

"Commander, I'm going down to Engineering to check up on the recalibrations. Join me?"

"I'm sorry, Captain. I'm really quite busy on these crew reports. I'd like to get them finished up for you by the end of the day. Can you manage without me?"

Tom shuddered involuntarily at the icy politeness in Chakotay's voice. Kathryn merely nodded her head. "Of course. I'll fill you in later." She normally wouldn't have let him decline in that way, but she didn't want to start a full scale confrontation. Of course, she also realized that normally he would have come with her without question.

After she left, Chakotay returned his stare to the computer screen and tried to will his heartbeat to slow. This is ridiculous, he thought to himself. But, ever since his discussion with B'Elanna the night before, he couldn't stop thinking about Kathryn. On the one hand, he was incredibly angry with her for trying to govern his love life. On the other, if she was jealous, this might just be the thing that pushes her to action. She might let him in; she might let him go. Either way, it would be decided once and for all and he'd be free.

~*~

Kathryn climbed the ladder to the upper deck of Engineering and saw B'Elanna angrily punching the console.

"Lieutenant Carey told me I might find you up here."

B'Elanna looked up only briefly. "Hello, Captain."

"How are the recalibrations coming?"

"Fine. You'll have an update this afternoon," said B'Elanna dismissively.

"B'Elanna," Kathryn began in a tone of warning, "I came here for an verbal update. And I'd appreciate it now, Lieutenant."

B'Elanna sighed heavily, but finally raised her head to look at her captain. "The new sensors are almost online, but we're having trouble with the alignment of the crystalline matrix. It could take as long as three days to get that all worked out."

"Would it help if I assigned Seven to you temporarily?"

B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "It depends on your definition of help. She might be able to align the matrix faster, but she's going to upset my entire staff in the process."

"I'm surprised at you, Lieutenant. I know Seven isn't always the easiest person to work with, but she has made tremendous strides in working well with others."

B'Elanna chortled. "I'll bet she has," she muttered sarcastically.

"What was that?" Kathryn demanded.

"Nothing, Captain. I'm sure Seven will be a real asset."

Kathryn eyed B'Elanna evenly. "What's your problem -- "

"-- Captain Janeway to the bridge," Tuvok's voice interrupted.

Kathryn hit her comm badge. "Acknowledged. We'll finish this later, B'Elanna."

"I look forward to it, Captain."

~*~

Kathryn walked briskly onto the Bridge. "Report."

"We've encountered an escape pod," Tuvok said.

She moved to stand next to Tuvok at his station. "Origin?"

"Unknown."

"Life signs?"

Ensign Kim punched a few buttons on his console. "One humanoid male. He appears to be unconscious."

"Beam him directly to sick bay. Commander Chakotay, you go down there and see if we can figure any of this out."

Chakotay stood and walked past her without comment.

"Mr. Kim," Kathryn continued, "I want you to beam that pod into the cargo bay. Analyze it and see if we can find out who it belongs to and where it came from."

"Aye, Captain."

The immediate crisis over, all Kathryn could do was wait for a report from the Doctor or Harry. She moved to her chair and began entering some of the relevant data from this encounter into the official logs. She liked to do this while her memory was still fresh. But instead of thinking about the man lying in sick bay, she found herself thinking about Chakotay. He can't even look at me. And now B'Elanna seems to be upset with me, too. And what was with her attitude toward Seven? I know they've had their differences in the past, but I thought we were beyond that.

Kathryn remembered that she was going to ask Seven to help with the recalibrations. She stood and walked toward her ready room. "You have the bridge, Tuvok. Please ask Seven to report to my ready room."

"Aye, Captain."

Kathryn sat behind her desk and took a few minutes to refamiliarize herself with exactly what they were trying to do with the crystalline matrix.

"Come in."

Seven entered and stood in front of Kathryn's desk, her arms behind her back. "You wanted to see me, Captain?"

"Yes," Kathryn said, handing Seven the padd in her hand. "I'd like you to join B'Elanna's team for the next few days. She's attempting a new alignment for the crystalline matrix and I think you may be able to help her stabilize it."

Seven looked briefly over the data on the padd. "I am certain I can be of assistance."

"All right, then, get to it. Dismissed."

Seven turned to leave, but turned back around hesitantly.

"Is there something else?" Kathryn asked.

"Yes. I require input on a personal matter from a female point of view. You are the female to whom I am closest on this ship."

Kathryn smiled widely. Thank goodness not everyone hates me today, she thought. "Of course. Why don't we have a seat over there." She motioned toward the couch.

Seven nodded and moved to sit on the edge of the couch, her back very straight. Kathryn chuckled a little to herself. She has excellent posture, that's for sure, she thought. She moved to the couch herself and lounged comfortably in the corner. "Shoot."

Seven looked bewildered. "Pardon?"

"It's an expression. It means go ahead."

"Oh. If you indicate romantic interest in someone and he does not immediately respond, does that mean that he is not interested?"

"Not necessarily. It could be that he didn't understand your advance."

"That cannot be true in this case. I directly asked Commander Chakotay if he would be interested in pursuing a relationship with me."

Kathryn didn't think it possible, but she was even more stunned by this announcement than she had been about Chakotay's the day before. "You?" she asked incredulously.

Seven raised a confused eyebrow, but said nothing. Kathryn looked at her and was amazed that, instead of the anger she had felt yesterday, today she felt compassion. Seven was honest and straightforward. She couldn't be blamed for having feelings for Chakotay. In fact, it showed she was becoming more human every day.

Kathryn put a comforting hand on Seven's arm. "Give it a couple of days."

Seven nodded and rose to leave. Kathryn turned slightly and stared out the viewport, lost in thought. Seven and Chakotay. Two of the people I care most about. I can't let my own selfishness keep them apart. I'm going to have to tell Chakotay he's free to see her.

"Sickbay to Captain Janeway."

"Janeway here."

"Our visitor is waking up."

"Thank you, Doctor. I'll be right there."

~*~

When Kathryn entered sick bay, Chakotay and the stranger were already locked in conversation. Rather than interrupt, she moved to where the Doctor was working.

"How is he?"

"He was suffering from a mild concussion and smoke inhalation. He also had some plasma burns on his hands and lower arms. He's fine now."

"Thank you, Doctor." She moved toward the biobed where the patient sat.

Chakotay glanced up. "Captain, this is Regel Ashor, First Officer of the Zarynthian starship Sirocco. Regel, this is Voyager's captain, Kathryn Janeway."

"Captain, thank you so much for picking me up. All of Zarynthia owes you a debt of gratitude."

"It was no problem, Mr. Ashor. I'm glad we could help."

"Please, call me Regel," he said smiling.

"Regel," Kathryn returned the smile, "you are a long way from Zarynthia. We passed through there a while ago. As I recall, your home world is almost two thousand light years away. What are you doing out here?"

"My ship is on a mission of exploration. This is the deepest into space my people have ever traveled. Actually, we were on our way back home. We've been gone for almost three years."

'Ah," sighed Kathryn understandingly. "We know just how you feel. So what happened to your ship?"

"For the past several weeks, we've been encountering a race of people called the Klebar. Every time we see them, they start attacking us. The attacks are completely unprovoked."

"What do they want from you?"

"I don't know. They refuse to answer our hails. They are not as technologically advanced as we are, but are very persistent. During the last attack, we almost suffered a warp core breach and had to abandon ship. I'm not sure if my ship survived or not. I didn't see an explosion from the pod, but I fell unconscious shortly after launching from the Sirocco and . . ." His voice trailed off.

"How far are you from the last known coordinates of your ship?"

"I'm not sure how long I was in the pod, but it isn't warp capable, so we must be close."

"I'll have my people start scanning for a ship in the area. Commander, why don't you see to it that Regel gets some quarters and a hot meal."

~*~

"Anything, Ensign?" asked Kathryn. After meeting with Regel and Chakotay in Sick Bay, she returned to the bridge to have Harry start looking for the Sirocco.

"Not yet, Captain," Harry said, punching buttons on his console. "Wait, I think I've got it. There's a ship. Four light years from here. The metals making up its hull match those of the escape pod. It has lost shields and seems to be adrift."

"Captain," intoned Tuvok, "there are three more ships on an intercept course with the Sirocco. I believe it is the Klebar."

"They're a sitting duck," she said. "How long until the Klebar intercept?"

"Thirty minutes," said Tuvok.

"And how long until we can be there?" she asked.

"At maximum warp, two and a half hours."

"Damn. Tom, lay in a course and engage, maximum warp."

"Yes, ma'am," Tom replied.

"Tuvok, have Mr. Ashor and Commander Chakotay report to my ready room," Kathryn said, walking to her room.

When Regel and Chakotay arrived, they were both smiling. Kathryn noted with some pleasure that Chakotay was even laughing. She was glad that he'd been able to get rid of his bad mood for the sake of their visitor.

"Gentlemen, please sit. Did you have a good lunch?"

"Excellent, Captain," replied Regel. "Your Mr. Chakotay is quite a story-teller."

"Don't I know it," she responded, smiling. Then she became more somber. "I have good news and bad news. We've located your ship. It's still intact, but heavily damaged."

Regel looked slightly saddened by the news, but forced a smile. "I appreciate your help, Captain, and -- "

" -- That's not all," interrupted Kathryn. "There are three Klebar ships on an intercept course with the Sirocco. I've ordered Voyager to the site, but we will not beat the Klebar there."

"So, what can I do?" asked Regel despairingly. "Just sit back and wait while my ship is destroyed?"

"I hope it won't come to that," said Kathryn comfortingly. "You said the Klebar were not as technologically advanced as you. Perhaps there will still be time for Voyager to intervene."

Regel merely nodded. Chakotay rubbed his arm soothingly. "There's nothing we can do here. Why don't we finish our tour of the ship? The captain will let us know when we're within range of the Sirocco."

Regel continued to nod and allowed Chakotay to help him from his chair. The two walked out and Kathryn was left to wonder what would be remaining of the Sirocco by the time they got there.

~*~

"We are within visual range," said Tuvok. Everyone was in their usual spot on the bridge, except for Chakotay, who stood on the deck behind the captain's chair with Regel.

Kathryn stood. "On screen."

The starscape was replaced by a tiny image of four ships.

"Magnify," she said.

The ships came into focus. One of the Klebar ships had attached itself to the hull of the Sirocco. The other two drifted nearby.

"Hail them."

An alien face filled the viewscreen. It was a female with blue and green skin in a camouflage-like pattern. She was dressed entirely in white.

"I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Explain your purpose here."

"I am Shyral, Second Minister of Defense for the Klebar Supervisory Counsel. We have no fight with you. Please leave us to our business."

"Please, I have here the First Officer from the Sirocco, Regel Ashor. He says that your people began attacking his ship for no reason several weeks ago."

"For no reason!" she huffed. "What of the despicable theft of our deuterium?"

Kathryn looked back to Regel for an explanation.

"I don't know what she's talking about, Captain," said Regel. "We did obtain some deuterium recently, but we got it from an uninhabited, unclaimed asteroid."

"The asteroid was uninhabited," said Shyral, "but the Klebar claim of ownership was undoubtedly clear. We have a beacon in orbit around the asteroid which says as much and warns of the punishment for robbery."

"We received no such message, I assure you. If we had, we definitely would not have taken the deuterium. We are not thieves," said Regel vehemently.

Shyral looked at him doubtfully. "The beacon recorded your presence and alerted us to your activities. You must have seen it."

"We did not. I beg you, please check the beacon again to make sure it's not malfunctioning."

"We are not an unreasonable people. I will check the beacon before continuing with the cleansing." Her face on the screen was replaced with the view of the four ships.

"Cleansing?" despaired Regel. "What could she mean by that?"

"We'll just have to wait and find out," said Chakotay.

Regel nodded, but looked distraught.

"Perhaps," said Kathryn, "you should go to your quarters until we hear back from her."

"I'll escort him," said Chakotay, leading Regel to the turbolift.

Once they were gone, Kathryn turned to Tuvok. "This is awful. I can't count the number of times we were forced to appropriate resources from what we thought were unclaimed planets. I hope there's not a fleet of angry people after us."

"Indeed," Tuvok replied.

~*~

It was several hours before Shyral got back to them. The alpha shift had long since been replaced. Kathryn decided to take the call herself in her quarters. She sat at her desk and patched Shyral through to the tiny screen on her computer.

"Second Minister," Kathryn said by way of greeting.

"Captain. I have discovered that the story Mr. Ashor tells is true. It turns out that the beacon was malfunctioning. The beacon operator staged a cover-up to protect his job. I am very sorry. We have halted the cleansing, but half of the crew is gone."

"What do you mean gone?" asked Kathryn angrily.

"They are dead, Captain. Robbery is a capital offense on Klebar. Again, please give Mr. Ashor my condolences. We are prepared to compensate him for the loss."

"You killed over 25 people," said Kathryn incredulously. "How can you compensate for that?"

"That will be up to the First Minister. He's on his way here now and will arrive within 36 hours. He will meet with Mr. Ashor to determine the terms of our agreement."

Kathryn didn't feel right chalking up the lives of 25 innocent people to a business arrangement, but she thought it was outside of her rights to interfere. "I'll relay the message to Mr. Ashor."

"We've disengaged our ships. He's free to return to the Sirocco at any time." Shyral ended the transmission.

Kathryn didn't relish the thought of her next conversation, but knew it had to be done. She activated her comm badge. "Janeway to Chakotay."

"Chakotay here."

"I've been in contact with the Klebar. Please find Regel and escort him to my Ready Room so we can discuss it."

"I'm with him now. We're on our way."

Kathryn moved to her bathroom to splash some water on her face and freshen up before going to the Ready Room herself.

~*~

The Ready Room doors swooshed open to admit Kathryn. Regel and Chakotay were already there, seated in front of her desk. Kathryn took her chair behind it.

"You were right, Regel," said Kathryn. "The beacon was malfunctioning and failed to send you a warning."

Regel heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness," he said. "Can I return to my ship now?"

"You may return whenever you like, but I'm afraid it's not that easy."

His eyes narrowed. "How so?"

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the Klebar punishment for robbery is death. Half your crew was dead before we arrived."

Eyes wide in disbelief, Regel turned to Chakotay. "How can this be?"

"I'm sorry we couldn't get here sooner," said Kathryn.

Regel was silent for a while, but finally replied. "No, thank you for getting here so quickly. Otherwise, they'd all be gone. I'd like to go to my ship now and survey the damage, if I could."

"Of course."

"Would it be okay if Commander Chakotay came with me?"

Kathryn looked to Chakotay, who nodded. "I think that's a good idea," she answered. They rose to leave.

"Commander," she said to stop them, "could I speak with you privately for a moment."

"You go ahead, Regel," said Chakotay. "I'll meet you in Transporter Room One. Regel nodded and left. Chakotay turned back to face Kathryn.

"When this whole mess is sorted out, you and I need to talk," said Kathryn.

Chakotay looked at her to try to read what she meant by that. Would this be the discussion where she finally admits feelings for him, or would it be the one where she reprimands him for behaving unprofessionally for the past few days? She was looking pretty professional herself, sitting so straight in the chair, calm and composed. He was guessing it would be the latter, and was not looking forward to another one of those discussions. Year after year, it never changed. He'd been called on the carpet more times than he could count for stepping out of her perfect little boxes and he was getting a little sick of it. Who dressed her down when she got out of line? No one. They were thousands of light years from any Starfleet admiral, and she certainly never seemed to listen to him or to Tuvok when they tried to talk her out of doing something foolhardy.

Regardless, he knew there was no getting out of the talk, so he merely said, "Yes, Captain," and left the room.

~*~

Regel and Chakotay walked the corridors of the Sirocco the next day. The ship was small compared to Voyager, but it reminded Chakotay a little of the Liberty, his own Maquis ship that he had destroyed six years earlier.

"The ship is looking much better," said Chakotay.

"Yes," replied Regel. "My engineers tell me that, thanks to the help of Voyager, we should be back to normal in another 24 hours."

"Will you be able to run your ship with half of your crew missing?"

"We don't have much choice. We lost the captain, so it looks like I'm in charge now. We also lost several of our best pilots."

"Perhaps the Klebar would be willing to provide you with some pilots as part of their . . . compensation package." He hesitated on the last two words, finding them obviously distasteful, but not knowing what else to say.

"Perhaps. But I was wondering something."

Chakotay looked at him expectantly and waited for him to continue. "I know you are dedicated to Voyager, but I'm wondering if you would consider joining us on our journey. We could really use someone with your piloting skills."

"So, I'd be a pilot?"

"Actually, I'd like to ask you to be my First Officer."

Chakotay chuckled at the thought of jumping onto another foreign ship and attaining a high rank over the officers who had been serving on the ship for years. "Don't you have someone you'd like to promote from your own crew?"

"No one with your qualifications. And the crew that's left is incredibly grateful to you and Captain Janeway for saving us the way you did. You're heroes."

"I wouldn't go that far."

"Oh, I would. Please, Chakotay, just consider it."

"I will."

~*~

Twelve hours later, Chakotay was sitting in his quarters considering and reconsidering Regel's offer. Could he actually leave Voyager? What was keeping him here? Years ago he was needed to help solidify the Maquis and Voyager crews and to make sure some renegade Maquis didn't decide to stage a little Delta Quadrant rebellion. But that was all over now. There was no more Maquis. Just Voyager.

What was keeping him here, really? Kathryn. Plain and simple, just Kathryn. He'd been waiting for her to come around. Waiting for something he now doubted would ever happen. It was too late. If she were going to come to him, it would have happened already. Now they were solidly entrenched in friendship.

And despite the fact that Starfleet was physically still very far away, it was seeming closer all the time. They were now in regular contact, thanks to Reginald Barclay. So any chance Chakotay had of convincing Kathryn to throw protocol to the wind seemed slim at best.

So, what was keeping him here? Habit. A bad habit it was about time he broke. He had no one waiting for him in the Alpha Quadrant. He was really just along for the ride. Maybe it was time to switch directions and ride someplace new. And if Kathryn really did love him, she'd try to stop him.

The door chime interrupted his thoughts. "Come in."

The doors opened to reveal Kathryn. She stepped into the doorway and tried to adjust her eyes to the lack of light. "It's dark in here."

"Sorry. Computer, lights to full."

Kathryn stepped further into the room. "I thought it was time we had our talk."

"Yes," replied Chakotay, "I'm glad you're here. I have something I need to discuss with you."

"Okay, you first."

"Regel has asked me to join his crew."

Kathryn was surprised, but thought it was rather funny. Regel didn't seriously think Chakotay would leave Voyager, did he? "What did you tell him?"

"Nothing yet, but I'm planning to accept."

"What?!"

"Captain, I feel very comfortable with Regel. He reminds me of a cousin I was close with. He wants me to become his First Officer, and I feel I have a lot to offer him."

"But you're needed here."

"Not really. I'll be easily replaced. But Regel is dealing with a much smaller crew and needs all the help he can get."

"Listen, is this about Seven?" asked Kathryn.

Chakotay looked confused. "What about Seven?"

"I know that she's the one who approached you about the romantic attachment."

Comprehension dawned, but Kathryn continued before Chakotay could reply. "I've thought about the whole thing and decided I'm being unfair. We are a long way from home and, if you want to have a relationship, I'm not going to stop you."

He didn't look at her, but chuckled humorlessly to himself. "After six years, that's the best you can do?"

She looked at him coldly and waited for him to meet her glare, but he refused to look up. "I don't know what you're talking about. It really doesn't matter to me. Sleep with Seven, don't sleep with Seven -- "

"--This has nothing to do with Seven" he cut in, raising his voice slightly. This wasn't going as he had planned. As many times as he ran this conversation in his head, they never ended up hating each other. "I just want off this ship. I've had enough. I just want you to leave me with the Sirocco." He waited for her to object, to beg him not to go, as she always did at this point in his make-believe conversations.

"If that's what you want to do."

Exasperated, Chakotay crossed to her and grabbed both her shoulders. "Damn it Kathryn, I'm in love with you. There's nothing in this universe I want more than for you to return those feelings. But you're too busy hiding behind protocol and parameters and trying to pretend that you don't need anyone or anything. And every day, you lose a little bit more of yourself. I see you slipping away, and the crew sees it too, and it's killing all of us, especially me." He loosened his grip on her arms and slumped to the couch. "I don't want to leave. I want to stay. But I just can't do it anymore." He buried his head in his hands.

When Chakotay had grabbed Kathryn, her first emotion was rage. But as his revelation swept over her, all her anger went with it, leaving only a sinking sense of despair in the pit of her stomach. Of course, she loved him too -- as a friend, and as so much more than that. But her first duty had to be to the ship, to the crew she stranded here, so many years from their own loved ones. Who was she to experience love when she had all but stolen it from them? She looked at Chakotay -- how vulnerable he had made himself -- and she longed to go to him. She reached a hand to touch his head, but thought better of it. Instead, she turned and walked out, without uttering a word.

Chakotay immediately regretted his outburst. He had meant to speak to her rationally, to make her see how much she needed him, how much they needed each other. And now he'd painted himself into a corner where he had no choice but to leave.

~*~

Captain Janeway strode onto the bridge the next morning affecting an air of purpose, but even a passing glance showed the heavy circles under her eyes.

She stood staring at the starscape on the viewscreen for a few moments, but made no move toward her chair. "Good morning everyone. Tuvok, could I speak with you a moment in my ready room?"

"Certainly, Captain. Mr. Paris, you have the bridge."

"Aye, Sir." Tom Paris turned to look at the retreating figures of his captain and the Vulcan. He secretly hoped that Tuvok would be able to talk some sense into Janeway. Rumors were already all over the ship that Chakotay had requested to leave and that she was just going to let him go. Some people were concerned that this would cause a new fissure between the Maquis and the Starfleet crews, but Tom new better. Six years in the Delta Quadrant had sealed the two crews together permanently. But he did worry about what losing Chakotay would do to the captain. He was her balance, as well as her link to the rest of the crew.

The door to the ready room slid behind Tuvok. Janeway was making her way to the replicator.

"Would you like anything to drink?"

"No, thank you." Tuvok stood straight, waiting for the captain to settle herself.

"Coffee, black," she said to the replicator. She took her steaming cup and went to sit at her desk. "I know how the rumor mill flies on this ship, so I'm sure you've heard by now that Chakotay has requested we leave him with the Zarythians."

"I am aware of his request." Tuvok's voice, as always, gave no indication of his thoughts on the matter.

"I have decided to grant it. You will become my new First Officer, effective immediately. I'd like you to write up some recommendations as to who you think should take over your post as Chief of Security."

Tuvok looked at her evenly for several moments. "If I am to make a recommendation, it would be that you not allow the commander to leave. His presence is necessary to ensure the smooth running of this vessel."

"We've lost people before and this ship has continued to go on without them. We'll do it again. Sure, there might be a period of adjustment, but you're an experienced officer. I'm not going to let the loss of one crewmember prevent the rest of us from making it home."

"I may be experienced, but it is just that experience which allows me the perspective to see how much you are underestimating the impact Chakotay has on this crew."

"I'm perfectly aware of the impact Chakotay has on this crew. I do seem to have underestimated the impact he has had on you," she said dryly. "This is not open for negotiation. Draft a list of recommendations and have it on my desk by the end of the day. Dismissed."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow, but said nothing further. There is nothing to be gained when the captain is so foul-tempered, he thought. Perhaps I will try a different tack later.

Once Tuvok was gone, Kathryn continued staring into nothingness. I'm perfectly aware of the impact Chakotay has on this crew. No kidding, she thought. Aside from the fact that he had the perfect personality to deal with the multitude of personnel issues on the ship daily, he was a damn good sounding board. And a damn good friend.

~*~

Chakotay had no desire to talk to anyone. He stood in the middle of his quarters, surveying the multitude of half-packed boxes, trying to ignore the door chime.

He fingered a small wooden carving of an eagle that sat on his desk. He lifted it and placed it carefully in a box.

"Torres to Chakotay. I know you're in there, so you may as well open up. Otherwise, I'll just beam myself in there."

"Fine, come in." The doors slid open and B'Elanna walked in briskly, stopped short by the sight of the boxes.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Packing," he said matter-of-factly. He picked up a second wood carving to put in the box.

"I had to come see it for myself. When Carey told me you were leaving, I told him he was full of it."

When he didn't respond, B'Elanna continued. "You can't leave."

"I know, but I can't stay either."

"Every member of this crew depends on you. On your guidance. On your spirit. Are you just going to abandon us?"

"You'll be fine. I guide because I am here and because I'm willing to do it. When I'm gone, someone will step in and take my place. You'll find your way home without me."

"If you leave, I'll never forgive her."

Chakotay finally looked up, pain in his eyes. "Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't hold this against her. She's doing what she thinks is best and I can't fault her for that. She's nothing if not consistent. And determined to do the best for this crew."

"You're what's best for this crew. If she can't see that, then she's not as smart as I thought she was."

"There comes a time when everything has to end. We all need to move on."

"You love her."

Chakotay turned to resume packing the items from his desk.

"There has to be something I can say to make you stay."

"There's only one person on this ship who can convince me to stay and, frankly, you're not her."

B'Elanna rushed to him impulsively and hugged him tightly, burying her head in his chest.

"I'm going to miss you."

"I know. I'm going to miss you, too."

~*~

That evening, while Chakotay was packing and Kathryn was brooding in her quarters, Tom, B'Elanna and Harry were in the mess hall plotting.

"There has to be some way we can convince Chakotay to stay," said Tom.

"Who would have thought," said Harry, "that, of all people, you'd be trying so hard to keep him here."

"Hey, I didn't save his life six years ago so he could throw it away now. What do you think, B'Elanna? What's it going to take?"

She shook her head. "I don't think anything short of the captain admitting her undying love is going to do it."

"I might be able to rig that," said Tom. Harry and B'Elanna looked at him skeptically. "No, really. But I need more time. He's scheduled to leave at 0800 tomorrow?" B'Elanna nodded. "I just wish I had a couple of days."

"No way," said Harry.

"What, you don't think I could do it?" said Tom, offended slightly.

"I don't think you could manipulate the captain that easily. If you could, they would have gotten together long ago. It's certainly not for your lack of trying."

"I haven't turned it on full force. Believe me, Harry."

Harry just shook his head. "Anyway, you don't have a couple of days. You have . . . " Harry looked at his watch, "less than eight hours."

"That's what you think," said Tom, rubbing his hands together and looking conspiratorially at B'Elanna.

"Oh, no," she said. "Whatever you've got planned, you can just keep me out of it. I'm sick of getting into trouble because of your schemes."

"Don't you want Chakotay to stay?" asked Tom.

"Yes, but --"

"-- But nothing." He stood and began walking toward the doors. Harry and B'Elanna reluctantly followed. "I'm thinking slight misalignment of the transporter buffers. I'm thinking a burnt-out power relay. I'm thinking -- "

"-- I'm thinking that you're crazy," interrupted Harry.

"So, you going to help me or not?" asked Tom.

"We'll help," admitted B'Elanna grudgingly.

~*~

What now, thought Chakotay. Can't they let a man pack in peace?

"Come."

The doors opened and Seven walked in. She surveyed the boxes. "I hope you are not leaving because of something I said."

Chakotay was surprised to see her. Amidst all the commotion he had managed to forget all about her advance. She had been a catalyst to so many other things, but had kind of faded into the background after that.

"No," he said. "Of course not."

"Is it because of the captain, then?"

She sure knew how to cut to the chase, he thought. "What makes you say that?"

"You have feelings for her."

"You knew that?"

"Commander, everyone on board Voyager knows that."

"Then why did you approach me about a relationship?"

"In spite of your readily apparent feelings for Captain Janeway, it is also readily apparent that she cannot return those feelings. As such, I thought I was free to attempt to win you myself."

Chakotay smiled at her choice of words in spite of himself. "Win me? Am I a prize of some sort?"

"According to Ensigns Talbot and D'Angelo in Stellar Cartography, yes."

Chakotay reddened slightly. Seven continued. "I had no idea that my advance would cause you to leave Voyager."

"It's not you, really. This was a long time in coming. As you said, I have feelings for the captain and she doesn't have feelings for me."

"I did not say she does not have feelings for you. Clearly, she does, but feels honor-bound to put the rules and regulations of Starfleet above her own personal happiness."

"Is that something else 'everyone' knows?"

"Yes."

"Well, there you go."

"I do not understand."

"If everyone knows that I love the captain and that she loves me, but that we have never had nor will ever have a relationship, then everyone must know why I'm leaving."

"Actually, that last part is open to some speculation."

"And betting, I'd imagine."

"Yes, and betting."

"So, what are the odds that the captain will stop me before I leave?"

"Three hundred to one."

"That good?" he said sarcastically.

Seven nodded. She handed him a piece of metal. "I would like you to have this."

"What is it?" he asked, turning it over in his hands.

"It was one of my implants. I've noticed you like mementos."

"Thank you." He thought it was strangely appropriate. Before they met up with the Borg, Chakotay could almost convince himself at times that Kathryn wanted him as much as he wanted her. It was all downhill from there. At least, it was the Borg he blamed when he had sleepless nights to wonder why he and Kathryn never quite seemed to make it.

"Good night, Commander, and goodbye."

"Goodbye Seven."

~*~

Chakotay sighed when he entered the transporter room the next morning. They weren't going to let him go easily, were they. He saw pieces of the transporter laying all over the room and two feet sticking out from underneath the pad.

He kicked the legs of the mystery engineer gently. "Hey, come out of there," he said.

The engineer backed out slowly and he was not surprised to see it was B'Elanna.

"What's going on here?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. Somehow we lost a couple of the power couplings. Both the transporters are down."

"Yeah?" he questioned, not believing the ploy for a second. Suddenly the doors whooshed open and Tom entered.

"What's this?" he said to B'Elanna in his best poker face, which was, unfortunately, not that good. "Commander, I just came to see you off. But, it doesn't look like you're going anywhere."

"No, it doesn't," replied Chakotay. "How long are these repairs going to take?"

"It's hard to say, but I would think at least 10 hours." The doors opened again to admit Harry, who also did his best to look surprised.

"Are the transporters down, B'Elanna? I was just coming to see the commander off, but it doesn't look like you're going anywhere."

"No, it doesn't," he said again. He couldn't be angry with them because he knew they were only trying to do a good deed, but they had to accept the inevitable. "Tom, what about taking me over in a shuttle?"

Tom reddened slightly. He hadn't thought of that. "I -- I guess we should ask if that's okay," he stuttered.

Chakotay hit his comm badge. "Chakotay to Tuvok."

"Tuvok here."

"It seems there's some problem with the transporters. Would it be alright if Tom brought me over in a shuttle?"

"I'm sorry, Commander. I have scheduled several battle drills today and the shuttles are not available."

"Oh, well thanks," mumbled Chakotay. So Tuvok's in on it, too? he thought. But looking at the now genuine surprise on everyone else's face, he decided that Tuvok was probably acting alone.

"Well," said Tom, recovering, "it looks like you're going to be stuck here for a while. You know, Neelix was very upset that he didn't get to give you a going-away party. Why don't you stay an extra day and let him throw it tonight?"

"Yeah," chimed in Harry. "It would probably be good for the rest of the crew, too, to have a chance to say goodbye."

It just occurred to Chakotay that his leaving, while something he'd been considering for a while, came as a complete shock to everyone else. It probably would help them a lot.

He nodded. "Okay, but nothing too elaborate."

Tom flung an arm over his shoulder and steered him toward the door. "I'll try, but you know Neelix. Elaborate is his middle name."

~*~

Elaborate was an understatement. Chakotay looked at the holodeck in amazement. With only twelve hours to plan, he thought, Neelix managed to put together something truly amazing. Actually, Neelix had had 18 hours to plan, since he began the moment Tom told him about his scheme. But, Chakotay didn't know that.

The first thing Chakotay noticed was the spread. They were in an outdoor setting and Neelix had created a long, wooden table. On it was every dish Chakotay had programmed into the replicator, mostly dishes native to his homeworld.

Neelix saw the commander come in and instantly was at his side. "Commander, welcome," said Neelix, ever brimming with enthusiasm. "I hope you don't mind, but I accessed your personal database to find the foods and location that would hold the most meaning for you for the party."

Location. Chakotay looked past the table and saw that they were someplace he recognized. They were on New Earth. He paled slightly. "Why did you choose this location?"

"Well," said Neelix, oblivious to Chakotay's discomfort, "the computer records show that this is the holoprogram you use the most. I wanted a picnic and this atmosphere seemed to fit right in. Plus, I know the Zarynthians don't have holodecks, so I thought you might like one last look at your favorite landscape."

Chakotay knew that Neelix meant well, so he tried to put on a happy face for him. "The food looks wonderful."

"Thank you. Most of the fresh vegetables are from the hydroponics bay, but because of the short notice, I had to replicate almost everything else."

"You replicated all this?" Chakotay said in wonder, with just a little worry in it. That seemed like an awful lot of energy to waste on one party. "Who approved that?"

"Commander Tuvok, of course." Chakotay raised his eyebrows. This didn't seem like something Tuvok would approve of. More likely, he would consider it a frivolous misuse of scarce resources. Following Chakotay's thoughts, Neelix continued. "It wasn't hard to make him see the inherent logic in giving you a good send-off. As morale officer, it's my duty to make this transition as smooth as possible."

"I guess so," Chakotay agreed warily.

"Come on," said Neelix, steering him toward the table, "let's make you a plate."

"Actually, Neelix, I'd like to look around a little first, if you don't mind."

"Of course. See you soon."

Chakotay wandered toward the cabin he and Kathryn had shared, many years ago now. Luckily, none of the other partygoers had ventured over this way yet. He hoped they didn't. He knew it was just a place, and a holographically projected one at that, but he felt possessive of it. It was his and Kathryn's alone. No one else belonged here.

He was a little surprised that he hadn't noticed where he was the second he stepped on the holodeck. But he hadn't actually been here for a while, despite what the computer said. In the years immediately following the "rescue", he had come here often. He hated saying he had been rescued, since that implied that he was taken from a bad situation into a better one. Rather, it was the opposite. He was taken from a good situation, which he had high hopes of making into a great one, and dropped back into a mundane reality. If you look at it that way, he thought with a slight chuckle, Tuvok kidnapped me from New Earth.

He entered the cabin and sat at his desk. At first, this reproduction had been a wonderful place to come and relax. He didn't do it to be closer to Kathryn. He did it to be closer to the person he was with her, because of her. It calmed and centered him to think of himself as the one who helped her through her troubles. He usually just sat by the river or worked on his carvings.

Even though he didn't come here specifically to reminisce about the relationship that could have been, the place started to lose some appeal when his real-life relationship with Kathryn became more hopeless. Over the past year, he had made a conscious effort to stay out of this program. It was too painful. He put his arms on the desk and laid his head down on top of them.

"So this is New Earth."

Chakotay looked up to see Tom Paris strolling around the small cabin, taking it all in. A half-hearted "yeah" was all Chakotay could manage as a response.

"And this is where you slept?" asked Tom, indicating the small, single beds.

"Yeah."

"That must have been really hard."

"What?"

Tom looked into Chakotay's eyes. "Spending all that time with just a thin piece of glass between you and the woman you love and never being able to get beyond it."

Out of reflex, Chakotay started to get angry. He was about to tell Tom to shut up and mind his own business. But the whole thing seemed futile now. What did it matter? He'd be gone tomorrow and would never see Tom again.

"It was hard," said Chakotay. "It is hard," he amended.

"You know, it took being near death for B'Elanna to admit she had feelings for me."

"Tried that," Chakotay said with a small chuckle. "Didn't work."

"Just because she's never said she loves you doesn't mean she doesn't love you."

"I know." He sighed and got up. "I suppose I'd better go join the rest of the party before Neelix sets up a search for me."

Tom knew that Chakotay was just trying to avoid the conversation, but he'd let him get away this time. He had all evening to work on him.

~*~

Kathryn looked up from the padd she'd been studying. There were only three people she knew of who would interrupt her now, and she immediately removed two from consideration.

"Come in, Tuvok," she said, a bit tersely.

The doors opened and Commander Tuvok entered the room. "How did you know it was me?"

"The only people who ever bug me to go to a party are Tom and Chakotay. Since I know they're already at the party, I figured you would try to pick up the slack."

"A logical assumption."

"Yes, well, I'm not going."

"I would ask you to reconsider."

"I have a whole stack of reports to read," she said, indicating the tower of padds on her desk.

"To my knowledge, none of that reading is urgent. There are, however, pressing matters elsewhere."

"Such as?" she questioned, irritation thick in her voice. Normally, Tuvok would sense that level of irritation and back off, but he knew time was of the essence. It was necessary he continue and risk angering her further.

"Many people feel the commander is not leaving of his own free will, but rather that you are pushing him out. It would, perhaps, benefit the crew to see you and Commander Chakotay part on good terms."

"We're on good terms, Tuvok,"

"If that is the case, then why are you not attending the party?"

"I told you, I have work to do."

"Captain, you and Commander Chakotay are close friends. Attending his party should supercede all other priorities. Clearly, you are avoiding him."

That did it. Kathryn stood and looked at Tuvok angrily. "Damn it, that's none of your business."

Tuvok did not back down, but continued to look at her calmly. "I disagree. As First Officer, it is my responsibility to see to the needs of this crew, particularly the captain."

"I don't need anything," she spat. Suddenly, Kathryn was reminded of her last conversation with Chakotay. You're too busy hiding behind protocol and parameters and trying to pretend that you don't need anyone or anything. Kathryn remained standing, but the fire had clearly left her.

"Captain," said Tuvok with a measure of concern, "are you well?"

"Yes," she almost whispered. "I'm fine." She sank back into her chair, her thoughts obviously elsewhere.

Tuvok realized he had pushed too hard. The captain had an intriguing personality. At times she was so strong-willed, he thought her capable of things of most humans couldn't even dream of. But at others, he could plainly see her emotions take control. If she only had some Vulcan discipline, he thought, she would be much better off. These outbursts serve only to cause her pain.

Kathryn continued to stare into nothing and was oblivious to Tuvok leaving the room. She was too busy blaming herself. She had driven Chakotay away. The crew was right to hate her. She hated herself.

No, she thought, this is childish. I'm only doing what I have to do to get this crew home. If they can't see that, that's their problem. Can I help it if Chakotay wants something from me I can't give him? It's best that he leave. Maybe he'll find what he's looking for elsewhere. He can settle down, start a family. He has every right to be happy. But Tuvok is right; I can't let the crew think that this is not his decision.

She gathered herself together and entered the Bridge. Tuvok, while rarely surprised, was most perplexed by her appearance.

"I'll be at the party," she said to him. He nodded. A most intriguing personality, indeed.

~*~

Tom was starting to worry that the captain wasn't going to come. He'd been at the party for almost two hours, now. He'd tried several times to talk to Chakotay again, but Chakotay always managed to engage himself in some other conversation. This was not going to be as easy as Tom thought. And it was going to be impossible if Captain Janeway didn't show up. He was about to hit his comm badge to summon her when the holodeck doors swooshed open and she strode in purposefully.

Tom rushed to greet her before Neelix could. He knew if Neelix got a hold of her, it could be hours before Tom would be able to talk to her. "Speak of the devil," he said by way of introduction.

"Pardon?" she said, giving him a bit of the evil eye.

"I was just wondering when you'd show up," he replied, not flinching from the glance that would have most of the crew hiding under the tables.

"Oh, well, I'm here."

"So you are. What took you so long?"

"I had a lot of work to do," she snapped. Tom seemed unconvinced. "Look, I'm here now, so let's just try to have fun, alright? This is a party, after all."

"That's what I keep trying to tell people, but they don't seem to believe me."

Kathryn looked around at the somber group. They seemed more like they were attending a funeral than a going-away party. People milled about the food table slowly, or sat in small groups by the river. The river. She looked around for several moments and was just about to comment on their surroundings.

"Neelix picked the setting," Tom said nonchalantly. "He said the computer records show this is the program Chakotay uses the most, and he wanted Chakotay to be comfortable." Tom left out that, in fact, the program Chakotay used the most was hoverball. But, that didn't seem appropriate for a party. So, Tom had just made a couple of adjustments to the computer's memory.

"If Neelix wanted that, he should have picked a different program," she replied under her breath. She saw Chakotay often throwing frustrated glances toward their cabin, as if trying to assure no one strayed that way.

"What was that?" Tom questioned, although he had heard her perfectly.

"Nothing," she said. "Let's get this show on the road."

"My sentiments, exactly," agreed Tom. He moved swiftly to the food table to pick up a glass of champagne, as well as a fork, which he used to begin tapping the glass.

"May I have your attention, please." Tom waited as every eye turned to him. The people down by the river stood and moved closer.

"As you all know," he began, "today is a day of mixed emotions. We come to wish a good friend goodbye, but we also come to celebrate him and the reasons we consider him a friend. I thought we could all share some of our favorite moments with the commander, before he leaves us." He saw many people in the crowd nodding. "I'll start.

"As you all may remember, there was not much love lost between me and Chakotay at the beginning of our journey. But, I've always admired his sense of fairness and his desire to do the right thing. And if it weren't for the choices he made, I may not have the wife I hold so dear, or a daughter on the way. So, Chakotay, I salute you." With that, Tom took a gulp of the champagne he held in his hand. He looked around for another person to make a toast. Many people came forward to tell stories of how Chakotay had saved their lives, either while in the Maquis or during the last six years. Others told of how he helped them cope with the grief they felt being so far from home. B'Elanna chose to make a joke about losing her favorite hoverball partner, while Harry made a delightful speech about everything he learned from Chakotay.

Tom watched his captain carefully during the speeches and wondered what she was thinking. She was careful to keep her command-at-a-party mask in place -- a bit stern, but having a good time. Underneath, though, she was slowly simmering. She listened to the people talking about why they admired and loved Chakotay and how they were going to miss him. Instead of getting caught up in their emotions, she was slowly getting more and more angry. She couldn't be angry with any one individual, but she was angry at the situation. She was trying to figure out a way to sneak out before she did something inappropriate.

Tom saw her eyeing the exit and knew he had to act quickly. It was now or never. "Captain," he said, walking toward her, "do you have something you'd like to say?"

Kathryn couldn't think of anything she'd rather do less at that moment then put on her happy Captain's façade and give a speech, but everyone on the holodeck looked to her expectantly, including Chakotay. She steeled herself and began, looking directly at Chakotay and trying to pretend that no one else was there.

"Many years ago, I set out on a mission to capture a criminal. Little did I know at the time that, in fact, I would not find a criminal, but an ally. Chakotay, as you worked with me to unite our two crews, it was the two of us who were united. You have become my most trusted advisor, and my dearest friend. You will be missed."

Before she had started her speech, many looked bitterly at their friends. These were the people who had been launching into harsh tirades in the mess hall and the corridors, talking about how the heartless captain was pushing aside her first officer. He must have disagreed with her just one too many times. The Borg, the Equinox. She was just getting rid of the thorn in her side. But they noticed the pain she couldn't entirely hide and decided, at that moment, that they were going to have to find someone else to blame.

There was a moment of silence, then Kathryn decided now would be a good time to leave. She turned to do just that, but Chakotay hurried to her and said "Captain, wait," placing a hand on her shoulder before she could escape. She slowly turned around, willing herself not to cry.

"I'm sorry about this," he said, motioning around the holodeck with his eyes.

"It's okay," she said in a forced, steady voice. "I know Neelix picked it." She was focusing on his shoulder, so she wouldn't have to look him in the eyes. She knew that would send her over the edge.

Chakotay noticed her discomfort, so he turned back to business. "I have some paperwork to fill out. Can you meet me in the transporter room tomorrow to finalize everything?

She nodded quickly and turned around again to quickly leave the room.

~*~

Chakotay paced around the transporter room. He had been there for several minutes, supervising the beaming of his belongings to the Sirocco. With each box, each familiar whine of the transporter, he felt a little further from himself. She won't come, he thought. But suddenly there Kathryn was, dismissing the ensign at the transporter so only the two of them remained.

"I'm almost done here," he said, his voice very quiet. "I've only myself left." He handed her a padd, which she read and approved with her thumbprint. He reached to his chest to remove the comm badge from his tunic. "You should have this." He handed it to her, his fingers lingering on hers. She felt cold. She stared at her hand, at the piece of metal in it, unable to return his gaze.

Finally, she looked up into his deep, brown eyes. Over the years, she'd seen every emotion reflected in them: anger, sadness, curiosity, longing, regret, anxiety, humor. Now they showed nothing. He was waiting for the inevitable. "Thank you . . . for everything," she said, knowing her words said nothing and everything all at once.

He nodded slightly, almost imperceptibly. "Permission to leave?"

"Granted." She moved to the transporter console and he to stand on the pad. She began keying in the sequence that would send him away. She was suddenly reminded of another time she had stood at a similar console, desperately trying to save the two people she cared for most in the universe. Her father and her fiancé had slowly sunk into the cold water of an icy planet, trapped in the forward half of a downed shuttlecraft. She'd wanted so much to rescue them both that she'd killed them, as surely as if she'd taken a phaser and shot them. And now she was going to send the best friend she'd ever had into that void. Her hands hovered above the console, no longer listening to her brain's commands that they punch the keys.

She looked up to where Chakotay stood, waiting patiently. Always patient, she thought and started to cry. At first it was just a lump in her throat and a slight shine to her eyes. But soon the tears flowed freely. She wasn't sure why she was crying -- probably as much for Justin and her father as for Chakotay.

He was there in an instant, his arms around her weeping frame. He sensed her weak knees and eased them both into the corner and down to the floor. He stroked her hair and whispered soothing nothings. After a few minutes, her sobs became whimpers and then, faded to nothing.

"There was a time I hated transporters," she said finally.

"After the accident," he said. She wondered how he always seemed to know what she was talking about, sometimes even before she knew herself.

"I wish we had met years ago."

He laughed. "We would have hated each other."

She inclined her head to look at him. "You think so?"

"Every moment in both our lives is like a link in a chain. Remove any one link, and everything would be different. I don't think I was ready for you until the point at which we met. If I had met you as an adolescent, I would have rejected you for your traditionalist upbringing. If I had met you during my early career in Starfleet, I would have envied you for that same upbringing, which made it so easy for you to excel. Or I would have scorned your studious ways and your love of science. If I had met you as a Maquis, before the constant fighting had wearied me, I would have seen you only as the enemy. No, it's right that we met when we did. Otherwise I may never have grown to love you, and I wouldn't trade that for anything."

When she didn't respond he continued. "And now, you have to let me go."

"Would it matter if I told you I love you?"

He paused for a moment, allowing the words to wash over his soul. "No. I thought it would, but it doesn't. It doesn't change anything. I've known for years that you love me, even if you wouldn't admit it to yourself. And for a long time, I was content with that knowledge. But somewhere along the line, it stopped being enough. There are times ache for you. It's like there's a piece of myself that's missing and I can only find it when I'm with you. I want you to ache for me that same way. I need so much more from you than you're willing to give."

"All or nothing, huh?"

"I guess so."

She looked deeply into his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"So am I."

She wiped her eyes and sniffled a little to clear the last of the grief from her nostrils. She felt light, lighter than she had in days, maybe years. She stood and offered her hand to help him up. He smiled and took it. They hugged for several moments and he kissed her forehead.

"I'm going to miss you," she said.

"I know."

"You think you know everything, don't you?" she said laughingly.

"No, not everything," he replied, stepping onto the transporter pad. She moved back to her place behind the console and completed the transport.

~*~

The feeling of lightness didn't last long. For the first few days after Chakotay left, Kathryn could almost forget he was gone. It was like he was on an extended away mission and would be returning at any moment. But then she would look to her left, to his chair, and see Tuvok sitting in it, red now covering his shoulders instead of yellow. She started spending a lot of time in her ready room just so she wouldn't have to look at him.

The nights were the most difficult. She didn't feel like having dinner with anyone else, or trying out Tom's latest holoprogram, or reading, or even sleeping. It left her a lot of time for introspection.

She thought of her first love, Cheb. With him she was full of a fumbling, inexperienced lust. She tingled at the thought of his touch and felt lost when the physical contact was severed. Whenever she was with him, she wanted to be as close to him as possible. Passion that bright usually burns out quickly, and when she was a little older she looked back and wondered what she had ever seen in him.

She thought of her second love, Justin. With him she was full of devotion and pity. She wanted to protect him from the pain of living and never let anyone harm him again. Whenever she thought of how he had been tortured at the hands of the Cardassians, she went blind with rage. She could forgive him anything because he'd already been through so much.

She thought of her third love, Mark. With him she was comfortable. They could talk for hours on any topic -- science, philosophy, art. Or they could sit and wrap silence around them like a warm blanket. They were friends and companions. She could easily have lived out the rest of her days with him. They wouldn't be exciting, but there was something to be said for always knowing what to expect.

Then, she thought of Chakotay. She lusted after him. She wanted to protect him, and be protected by him. She wanted to have long conversations with him. It seemed he was an amalgam of the best parts of the other three. And somehow the parts made something even greater. As much as she had loved each of those men, she loved Chakotay far more. More than she had ever thought possible.

Even though he was gone and she would never see him again, she was strangely comforted by her realization of the true depths of her feelings for him. When Cheb had become vicious and spiteful, she thought her whole world was crumbling around her. She thought she would never love again. And she didn't, for a long time. She turned off her emotions, only to have them come back at a much greater strength when she fell for Justin. It was almost physically painful to love him so much. When he died, she didn't even see the point of living. This time, she was certain she would never love again. She was quite surprised, then, when her love for Mark snuck up on her, almost is if she weren't paying any attention. It wasn't the same fervor she felt before, but it was love all the same. A quieter, more adult kind of love.

Three times she had loved. Three times she had lost love. And three times she had found it again. She wasn't sure how or when, but she knew better now than to say she would never love again. Eventually, she would get over Chakotay and find another. Right now, the prospect was not so appealing, but it was there nonetheless.

~*~

Harry entered the mess hall and quickly grabbed a tray. He only had fifteen minutes before his duty shift started. He saw Tom and B'Elanna sitting in the corner and went to join them.

"Hey, Harry," said Tom. "Long time no see."

Harry smiled. "I've been working the night shift this whole week. How've you two been?"

"Good," said Tom. "We put the finishing touches on a new resurrection of Sandrine's. You should stop by later."

"I actually just got back from there," he said, smiling. "The captain is whipping everyone soundly. You don't stand a chance."

"The captain is there?" said B'Elanna with surprise. "I haven't seen her outside of work for months. Bridge, quarters, bridge, quarters. Does it seem like she's having fun?"

"Maybe you should go and judge for yourself," said Harry, hurriedly popping the rest of his dinner in his mouth. "See you later." He rushed out of the mess hall as quickly as he had entered.

Tom stood and offered a hand to B'Elanna. "Shall we?"

She took his hand and they walked out. "I can hardly wait. You know, when Chakotay left, I was all set to be mad at her, even though he begged me not too. But somehow, when I looked at her, I couldn't muster up anything more than pity. I think she realized what she lost."

Tom just nodded. He had always felt a little sorry for the captain. He admired her intelligence and strength, but he always sensed a sadness underneath that she refused to let go of. She actually reminded him a lot of himself. He was very sad for many years and had hid behind sarcasm and bad jokes, just as she used command distance as a shield. But while he had found himself in B'Elanna, she seemed unwilling to let go to anyone.

When the holodeck doors opened, they could hear her laughter tumbling out before they caught sight of her. Her cheeks were flushed and she gasped for air between the guffaws. She stood with the Delaney sisters, who were also laughing riotously. Tom glanced at B'Elanna and raised his eyebrow in his best Tuvok impression. "It would appear that fun is an understatement."

"I'll say," agreed B'Elanna.

Kathryn caught sight of them and walked over. Tom thought it almost looked like she was skipping. "Tom, B'Elanna. I'm so happy to see you. Care for a game?"

They couldn't help but get caught up in her infectious enthusiasm and spent several hours at Sandrine's, getting their butts kicked in pool and hearing all of the captain's funniest stories. They marveled at the change in her.

Soon, everyone else seemed to have begged out for bed, leaving just the three of them behind. Kathryn suddenly became serious. "I want to thank you both. I guess I didn't know how much I needed to let loose, even if just for a night."

"So you're going to be back to your old self in the morning?" asked Tom. "That would be a shame."

Kathryn smiled, but her eyes were distant. She was remembering the confrontation she'd had with Chakotay in his quarters a few months before.

"No, not my old self. I'm going to try to be more here, if you know what I mean."

Tom smiled. "I think I do."

~*~

Tom noted with pleasure the atmosphere on the bridge the next morning. The captain was as good as her word. For one thing, the captain was actually there. She had spent so much time in her ready room the last couple of months that Ayala, who had taken over Tuvok's spot at Tactical, joked that he wasn't sure she was still on the ship.

But more than just being present, she had lost a little of the dourness that had seemed to permeate everything around her for the last few months. She was quieter than in the glory days with Chakotay, but she couldn't be expected to flirt with Tuvok as shamelessly as she had with Chakotay. Tom chuckled to himself at the idea of the captain flirting with Tuvok. In fact, he was hard-pressed to imagine her flirting with anyone but Chakotay.

An alert sounded from Ops and everyone turned to Harry to hear his report.

"Captain, we're picking up a ship on an intercept course. They seem to have appeared out of nowhere. They weren't on long-range scans and then suddenly they were right on top of us."

"Hail them," barked Kathryn, concern knotting her brow.

"Aye, Captain," said Ayala. "I'm receiving them now. It's. . . it's the Sirocco," he said in wonderment.

Kathryn went suddenly white and forgot how to breath. Tuvok picked up the slack. "On screen," he said in his even monotone.

The face of Regel Ashor filled the viewscreen. "Captain Janeway! It's so good to see you again. We were starting to wonder if we'd find you."

Kathryn regained her composure and stood, twisting her hands together. "Regel, it's good to see you, too. Why were you looking for us?" She was almost scared to hear the answer. What if Chakotay had died and they were here to relay the bad news?

"Chakotay is coming over on a shuttle now. He has a gift for you."

Kathryn looked to Tuvok, who seemed ready to meet Chakotay in the shuttle bay. It was usually the First Officer's role to greet new arrivals. She put out a hand to keep him in place. "I'll be in the shuttle bay. Thank you, Regel. I'm sure we'll be talking more later."

"I'm sure, Captain." The screen reverted to a view of the Sirocco drifting in space.

Kathryn walked briskly to the turbolift. She tried not to think about what Chakotay was doing here and instead focused on the basics. Breathe in, Breathe out. Calm the runaway heart. When the turbolift doors open, put one foot in front of the other.

Soon she was in the shuttle bay, where a small shuttlecraft had just finished the docking procedure. A hatch in the back opened and Chakotay emerged. Kathryn stopped dead and watched him. Her eyes took him in hungrily. He was thinner, his hair was longer, but it was Chakotay. Her Chakotay. He was looking her over, too, but seemed to be waiting for her to say something first.

Suddenly, without conscious thought, she was running to him. She pounced on him and pressed her lips to his. She dragged him back into the shuttle and onto the floor on top of her. She tugged at the enclosure of his pants. He responded by pulling down her pants and his own. At once he was inside her and pumping furiously while she matched him stroke for stroke. Soon they were screaming their mutual release and lay panting and intertwined.

After a few moments of silence, Chakotay started to laugh, quietly at first, but steadily growing. Soon Kathryn was chuckling, too.

Chakotay looked at her through eyes watery with laughter. "Why are you laughing?" he asked her.

"I don't know," she admitted. "You?"

"I was thinking that, of all the times I've imagined us doing this, it always took more than five minutes."

"I think that's a generous estimate. But, we have time." She cradled his cheek with her palm. "We have time."

The laughter faded from his eyes and they became serious. "I'm sorry I left. I realized that a life with you in it, even if just as a friend, was better than one without you. I never should have left."

"Yes, you should have."

He looked at her questioningly and she continued. "Remember how you said that our lives are like a chain?" He nodded. "And that you weren't ready for me until the point at which we met?" He nodded again. "Well, this is the same. I needed to lose you so I could find you. Find out how much you mean to me. I ache for you," she said, echoing some of the last words he had said to her, the words he said he needed to hear.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I ache for you," she repeated, stroking his face.

"And I for you," he finally replied, his voice shaky. He opened his eyes and looked at her for long time. Most people would feel uncomfortable looking at each other for so long. Her face started to lose all meaning to him, her nose floating out of place like in a cubist painting. But they held each other's gaze steadily.

He bent his head to kiss her. This was really their first kiss, he thought. They had moved through the last exchange like automatons. They were drawn to complete the action, but put no thought into it. This kiss was full of thought, gentle and sweet. No darting tongues or nipping teeth. Just fleshy lips and a promise for the future.

"So where's this gift Regel is giving me?" Kathryn asked finally.

Chakotay looked confused for a few moments, but comprehension quickly dawned. He smirked at her. "What, I'm not enough?"

"Of course you are." She smiled. "But somehow, I think he was referring to something else."

"I think we ought to have a meeting with everyone so I can explain." Chakotay stood and helped Kathryn to her feet. They pulled their pants back up, the only part of their clothing that had been removed at all in their haste. Kathryn brushed through her hair with her fingers, then activated her comm badge.

"Janeway to all senior staff. Please report to the conference room at once." She motioned toward the door of the shuttle, which had been open the whole time. "After you."

~*~

Kathryn entered the conference room first with Chakotay following closely behind. B'Elanna ran to give him a ferocious hug. He hugged her back and laughed.

"Don't you ever do that to me again," B'Elanna said.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Leave without my permission."

"Ah," he said knowingly. "I'll be sure to check with you next time."

"Good to have you back, Sir," said Harry, extending a hand to shake with Chakotay. Chakotay took it, then turned to Tom.

"Tom," he said, nodding and extending his hand to him. Tom brushed the hand aside and took him into a bear hug of his own.

Chakotay nodded his acknowledgement to Tuvok, Seven and the Doctor. Neelix was not present, for which Chakotay was grateful. After the farewell party he got, he couldn't even imagine what Neelix was cooking up for his welcome home bash.

Kathryn smiled and tolerated the hellos, but was anxious to hear what had brought Chakotay here. "Let's settle down, people. There will be plenty of time for catching up later." She sat in her usual spot and Chakotay slipped into place beside her. It felt wonderful, like putting on a well-worn pair of shoes.

"Chakotay?" she said expectantly.

"Well, you must have noticed that the Sirocco came up on you pretty quickly."

"Yeah," said Harry. "There was nothing on long-range scans and then you were right there."

"About a month ago, we contacted a race of people the Klebar told us about. They were kind of hidden away in a binary system. We never could have found them without specific instructions from the Klebar. They have a unique cloaking technology and can't be found unless you know what you're looking for. The Klebar thought we might be interested in meeting them because they also have advanced warp technology. Regel and I thought that intriguing enough to investigate. As it turns out, their technology goes way beyond warp. I won't pretend to understand it. I'll leave it to you engineers to figure out. Suffice it to say that it allows you to travel really far, really fast."

Everyone in the conference room capable of excitement was well on their way. Tuvok and Seven listened with their typical dispassionate interest, but Harry was already fidgeting in his seat and Kathryn was beaming.

"The device is set up on the shuttle I brought over. That's why I didn't just come by transporter. The only problem is that it runs on a power source I've never seen before. It could very well be something unique to their system."

"What is it?" asked B'Elanna.

"I've got the specs here," he said, handing her a padd. "From what I can tell, unless we're able to replicate the power source, we'll only be able to use the device for 10,000 light years before we run out of fuel."

"Still," said Harry, "that's 10,000 light years closer than we are now."

"That's true, Ensign. What do you think, B'Elanna?" Kathryn asked. B'Elanna was already scrolling through the padd with interest.

"It looks promising, but I'd like to pull in Seven and Harry."

"Use whatever resources you need. I'd like a full report by the end of the day. Dismissed."

Everyone began to file out, except Tuvok, Chakotay, and Kathryn. Chakotay glanced at Tuvok and noticed his change of uniform.

"Red looks good on you," he commented jovially.

"Commander --"

"-- I'm not a commander anymore," Chakotay interrupted.

"Very well. Mr. Chakotay, I am prepared to step down so that you may once again become First Officer."

"I can't ask you to do that."

"To be honest, it would be something of a relief. I've discovered the crew of this vessel to be highly illogical. As part of my duties as First Officer, I am required to deal with personnel conflicts, as well as roommate assignments. I had no idea how much time you put into dealing with interpersonal disputes."

Chakotay and Kathryn both tried to smother their smiles and Tuvok continued. "I prefer the inherent logic of security and tactical operations."

Chakotay nodded and looked at Kathryn. "Captain?" he asked.

She also nodded. "Tuvok, you are hereby freed from the burden of being First Officer."

"Thank you, Captain. Commander." He turned to leave, but turned back around. "May I assume that you will be moving back into the First Officers' quarters?"

"Actually," Kathryn put in quickly before Chakotay could respond, "other arrangements have already been made."

Tuvok raised his eyebrow. "I see," he said, and left the room.

Chakotay turned to look at Kathryn. "Arrangements have already been made?" he asked.

"You're moving in with me."

Chakotay was actually speechless. When she saw he had no response, she continued. "You said it was all or nothing. I'm choosing all." She smiled.

Still unable to respond with words, he simply moved in and kissed her.

"So," she said breaking the kiss and leaning her head on his chest, "how did you find us?"

"Actually, we've been looking for you for a couple of weeks. I knew the basic course you intended to follow in the months after I left and we started a search pattern along those lines. The Sirocco's scanners must be able to reach a little father than Voyager's. Harry said you never picked us up on long-range scans, but we picked you up. As soon as we knew it was you, we kicked into hyperwarp."

"Regel spent all that effort to bring you back to us? He could be home by now."

"He'll be home soon enough with the new technology. And he felt he owed it to you after all the help you gave him. Besides," he smiled, "he knew how much it meant to me."

"I'll have to be sure to thank him. Now, let's get your stuff where it belongs," Kathryn said, excited at the prospect of getting Chakotay moved into her quarters.