In a Heartbeat

By: Helen J. Lake

 

            The bright sun shone across my face, waking me. I was lying on my belly, with my face half-buried in the soft pillow. I sighed and turned my face so it was pressed into the cotton material.

            I may as well get up.

            With a final sigh, I stretched and rolled onto my back…and against a warm, solid object beside me.

            “What the—!” I yelled, jumping to my feet. The bed sheets moved and a face appeared. I stared in shock. Never in my life, have I taken a strange man home with me—not even that one time I had gotten so drunk at my cousin’s wedding…

            “What is it, Lena?” he asked in a modulated voice.

            I felt my eyes grow wide and I stumbled back, falling into a convenient armchair. “How do you know my name?”

            He sat up completely, and I could see that he was nude. I blinked slowly and looked down at my own nakedness. Oh my God…

            “Lena,” he was saying. My eyes shot up to his face and it was then that I realized that he was a Vulcan. His dark brown eyes searched mine, but I couldn’t keep my gaze in one place. I was looking anywhere but at him. He was saying something, so I tried to hear him over the roar of blood in my ears.

            “Lena,” he said forcefully. He was kneeling in front of me, his hands on my knees. His hands were hot and I stiffened. He removed them, but continued to stare at me. “Lena. We must get you to the Healers. You are not well.”

            “Who are you?” I muttered. I admit, I was fascinated by his ears and I tore my gaze from them when he rose.

            “My name,” he replied stiffly. “is Sival.”

            “Sival,” I repeated. The name wasn’t familiar in the least. “Where are we?” I looked around the room again, wondering about the starkness.

            “We are…in my family House.”

            “Oh,” I said. I saw some clothes on the floor and reached for it. To my relief, it was my old favorite set of sweatpants and a T-shirt. I yanked them on, glad to be covered, even though he hadn’t been looking anywhere but my eyes.

            “Come,” he said. He’d moved away from me silently and dressed. “I will escort you to the Healers.”

            I stood and felt a wave of dizziness overwhelm me. Sival was at my side in an instant, his hands holding me upright. I’m not averse to touching anyone, but I knew Vulcans avoided it. That he’d been in physical contact with me twice in the last five minutes shocked me. Before I could contemplate it further, I saw dark spots growing around the edges of my vision.

I fainted dead away.

 

I awoke slowly, blinking fuzzily against the bright lights. I moaned and suddenly the light dimmed as a figure appeared over my head.

“Do not attempt to sit up,” the woman said. She was an old Vulcan, her hair was completely white. “We are running scans on your brain and any movements could disrupt the results.”

“Oh,” I croaked. I cleared my throat gently. “Okay, Madam.”

She seemed to be about to say something, but a door opening interrupted her. She disappeared from my sight and another figure took her place. It was Sival…I blinked and looked again. No, someone older…maybe he was related to Sival…

“I am Healer Sitir. What is the last thing that you remember?” he asked. His voice had the same calm modulations that Sival had, but his voice was deeper and had a relaxing quality.

“Um,” I replied, thinking for a moment. “Last night was a big party for the graduates…I know I didn’t get drunk…”

Maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me, but I could swear I saw a flash of surprise in his expression. He exchanged glances with the woman.

“What is it?” I asked, suddenly scared. The man’s eyes met mine and I felt my mouth go dry. “How many days am I missing?”

“Father?” a familiar voice said from the door.

“Come in, Sival,” Sitir said. That explained the similarity between the two men.

“You may sit up,” the old woman announced. She handed a medical scanner to Sitir and another look passed between them. She helped me up and activated a set of controls. The head of the bed rose until I could easily lean against it. Sival came to the side and peered at me.

“How do you feel?” he asked gently. I was touched by the almost flamboyant display of concern…well, at least it was flamboyant for a Vulcan.

“I’m confused and I want to know what’s wrong with me!” I said, looking past him at Sitir. “Sir, please!” I fought the tears that threatened to spill. At least I could remember how to act around Vulcans.

“It appears that you have a case of amnesia,” he said finally. “How far it extends has yet to be determined.”

“So how do we figure it out?”

“I will examine the results from the tests.”

Before I could say anything else, Sitir walked out of the room, followed by the older woman. I sat in silence, staring at the closed door for several minutes. I finally dragged my eyes over to meet Sival’s gaze.

“I take it we’re going to sit here and talk until we figure out how much of my memory is missing.”

“That would seem to be a good idea.” He sat on a nearby stool.

I’m not sure how long we sat there, avoiding each other’s gazes, unspeaking. Finally, I sighed and looked at him.

“Okay, Sival,” I began. He turned to me. “Why don’t you tell me what the date is? That should tell us how much time I’m missing.”

He hesitated. “Sitir believes that your memories are more erratic than such a simple solution.”

“Why?”

“I am not a Healer, but from what he explained to me, your brain patterns are…unusual. And the cause is unknown.”

“Great.” I clasped my hands together, then nervously crossed my arms. “So, tell me the date anyway!”

“Today’s Stardate is 6714.7,” he stated.

I was so surprised by the sudden annoyance in his voice that I almost missed the significance of the date. When it hit me, I just stared at him, my mouth agape. My chest seemed to cave in on itself and my breath whooshed out.

“Two—” I gasped out. “Two years!”

Sival’s eyebrows shot up and his face paled. I had to actually remind myself to breathe and I sucked in a huge lungful. When I’d collected myself again, unsure if I could ever wrap my mind around that gap in my memory, I bit my lip and turned to my companion.

“How—how do we know each other, exactly?” I stammered.

“Shall I begin with how we met?”

“I…um…just…whatever you think I should know.”

“We were introduced at a formal event twenty-two months ago,” he said evenly. It seemed that any surprise or…anguish he’d experienced before had faded. He was a calm and collected Vulcan once more as he relayed the past. “Within three months, I proposed marriage. We have been married for almost exactly one year.”

The floor dropped from under me and I nearly fainted once more. “M—married?” I stammered. “We are?”

“Our anniversary is next week,” he added quietly.

“Oh God!” I breathed. The only sound was the pounding of my heart; the only things I could see were Sival’s eyes. He stared into mine calmly, and I somehow drew strength from him. Something was there, I could almost sense it…a calm oasis in the middle of my mind. For a moment, I could almost grasp what it was that might have drawn me to him…

Someone knocked on the door. Sival opened the door and immediately stepped back. Another man walked in and I literally did a double-take.

“Spock!” I exclaimed.

“Lena,” he greeted me. He nodded to Sival and walked to stand at the side of my bed. “I came as soon as I was informed of your condition.”

“Oh,” I replied, blushing. “You didn’t need to come all this way!”

“The Enterprise is currently stationed at Starbase One, it was not a great distance to travel.” His eyes scanned my body, as if visually inspecting me for injuries. He turned to Sival. “What information can you give me?”

I hmphed. “Why does everyone talk about me like I’m not here?”

Spock glanced at me, his eyes sparkling with repressed humor. This was the only Vulcan I’d ever called friend…and more. The familiar feeling of mutual respect and admiration swept me into the comfort of memories…at least I could remember something.

I’d attended Starfleet Academy with Spock, back when I wanted to be a Science Officer. We’d met in Advanced Observation Technology and been assigned to each other as lab partners. He had been silent most of the time, speaking only when absolutely necessary. I had respected that, keeping to myself, but wondering about the quiet man behind the stoic mask.

The mysterious attitude came to light one day when I witnessed a young Rigelian child being harassed by a group of human boys. Spock, who I had been watching across the square, suddenly veered off from his straight course. He approached the group and merely stood there, gazing at them. One by one, the boys stopped their pestering and looked up at the thin Vulcan.

“Your behavior is questionable,” he said calmly. I perked up—his voice sounded painfully strained. “Perhaps your parents need to discuss this matter.”

The boys promptly scrambled, looking over their shoulder at Spock. The Rigelian sniffled his gratitude before he too ran off. Spock watched him leave. I came up behind him, noticing a slight tremor in his hands, as if he wanted to clench them.

“That was kind of you,” I stated softly. His head snapped up in surprise and he looked at me.

“I did what always should be done in such unfair circumstances,” he replied.

“Have you taken Prime Directive Moralities yet?” I asked; eager to continue the conversation. Any chance to hear his beautiful baritone voice!

“Yes,” he stated. “I will be taking it again next year.”

“Again?” I chuckled. “You actually want to spend another semester with Cornwall?” I paused as another possibility made itself known. “Unless you failed it the first time?”

Spock turned completely around and raised an eyebrow. I felt the blood rush to my face and my chest tightened. He’d never looked me straight in the eye like this, and his gaze was intense. It wasn’t until he’d walked away that I realized he’d never answered my question.

“Lena,” a voice interrupted my thoughts. I looked up to find that Spock was the only other person in the room with me. I had been so lost in my own thoughts, I had missed anything they had said and how Sival had left.

“Where did Sival go?”

“I asked him to leave.”

“Oh,” I breathed. “Why?”

“Because you remember me better, it was logical to assume you would be more at ease.”

I smiled. “Ever the logical one, huh, Spock?”

“Indeed.” He raised his eyebrow at me and I felt butterflies take form in my stomach. “Lena, I would like to mind meld with you.”

He said it so suddenly; I wasn’t sure what he’d said. When it hit me, my smile faded and a wave of dizziness swept over me. I’d never melded before and I mumbled something to that effect.

“You have melded before, with Sival. It is an integral part of the marriage process.”

“But it doesn’t count if you don’t remember it!” I was getting more and more agitated. I flung the blankets back and jumped to my feet. “How do I know this isn’t some kind of massive conspiracy?!”

“An entire conspiracy against one woman?”

“Maybe there isn’t any logic behind it,” I went to the door and tugged at it, angered by the locks engaged. “Maybe there’s someone after me, who has the time and money to go after me…” I collapsed on the bed once more, my arms wrapped around myself tightly. I stared at the floor, my anger building.

“Lena,” Spock began. When I didn’t look up, he stood up and went to the window. “You forgot to check the window for an escape route.”

His suggestion threw me off and I looked up in shock. I went and stood next to him, gazing down the dozens of meters to the gardens. The thought of trying to jump out the window suddenly seemed so ridiculous, I turned away and chuckled.

“You always did know how to make me laugh, Spock.”

“I merely pointed out a fact.”

“Yes,” I allowed. “But it worked. I’m still frustrated and angry…and I want out of this little room!”

“I will see what I can do.”

He left the room, and I wondered how it was he could leave when the door was locked. I fell into an old habit of figuring out how something worked and my headache began to fade. I had concluded that the door had bio-sensors in it to allow anyone but the patient to leave when Spock returned.

“They have entrusted you to my custody. But we cannot leave the hospital grounds. And you must wear this.” He held up a bracelet with a slowly flashing red light. I pursed my lips and held out an arm to him. He attached it and the light glowed green. Another bio-sensor. Goodie. I glanced towards the window.

“The gardens?”

 

It was mid-day, and therefore empty. The hot Vulcan sun beat down on us, but I didn’t mind it. I was out in the open, and could almost imagine this was the first time I had been to Vulcan. Because of the harsh heat, most of the trees and plants came together overhead to form a canopy of cooler air. I walked purposefully, striding quickly past flowers and bushes. I had no idea where I was going, of course, but at least I was doing something.

“Lena,” Spock called behind me. “Allow me to tell you of the last time we spoke.”

I froze in my tracks and looked over my shoulder at him. “So talk.”

He gestured at a bench and we sat. “We were at the spaceport. I was returning to the Enterprise and you and Sival were there to say goodbye. It was the day after your wedding.”

I snorted. “Wedding.”

“Yes.” He gazed at me. “You told me how much you appreciated that I had introduced you to Sival. I explained that it was an honor to be your witness.”

“You introduced us?” I met his eyes.

“Yes, at a Science Symposium Banquet.”

I was shocked. How could I have married a man that Spock introduced me to? I had been in love with Spock! I shook myself from those thoughts. I had never admitted to him how I felt, and he never showed any interest in them. Overwhelming sadness filled my eyes with tears.

“Please, Spock,” I murmured. “I want to go back to my room.”

We stood and he led me back inside. I curled up on the bed, trying to disappear. Spock seemed to get the hint and he left without another word.

 

I woke up the next day, feeling the sun across my face. It was so much like the previous morning that I shot up and looked around in confusion. Gasping and clutching the sheets to my chest, I noticed Sival asleep in a chair. I slipped to the floor and padded silently to him. His chin was on his chest and his breathing was soft and even. I crouched and looked up into his calm face.

What was it that made me marry you? Could I have loved you? Or were you merely a substitute for Spock?

I reached up with one finger, tempted to trace the outline of his jaw. He was very handsome. And he had been so kind to me…

“Lena,” he said suddenly.

“Oh!” I fell back onto my butt, flushing in embarrassment. “How long have you been awake?”

He raised his head and gazed at me. “From the moment you sat up.”

I crossed my legs and we sat in silence for a moment. He held his hand out to me and I took it slowly. I allowed him to pull me to my feet, my gaze focused on our joined hands. His thumb moved slightly in a caress across the back of my hand. Something inside me shivered and I withdrew my hand.

Before either of us could speak, the doors opened and the older Vulcan from the day before entered. She held a tray of covered dishes.

“Fair morning M’Lady,” she intoned. “Sir.”

“Fair morning, S’tira,” Sival replied.

“I’ve brought breakfast foods for both of you. Call me if you need anything further.” And with that, she disappeared.

Sival uncovered the dishes and handed me one. Vulcan and Terran fruits were combined in a salad. I munched silently on a strawberry, thinking. After several bites, I glanced up at Sival. He was staring out the window, his food untouched.

“Sival?” I said softly, amazed at how the name rolled off of my tongue. “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you eating?”

He didn’t reply. I took another bite of my breakfast and watched him. As I looked at him, I realized that his breathing was raspy. I reached out in concern and he visibly jumped.

“Are you okay?”

“I am,” he replied. “Please excuse me. I must go.”

I stood, following him to the door. “Where are you going?”

He whipped around, one hand on the door. “I am going to the Science Academy!” he exclaimed.

I stepped away, shocked at the anger in his voice. He left without another word and I watched the doors slide shut. Before I could wonder further, the doors opened again and S’Tira entered. She looked at me.

“Do you require assistance?” she asked.

I shook my head slowly. Her eyebrows raised, but she said nothing further. She left once more and I sat on the bed.

“Oh,” I sighed. I was so confused, and I hated that. It made me angrier until finally, I threw the tray across the room and screamed, “What is going on?!”

The door flew open and S’Tira ran in, skidding to a halt. I was sobbing, curled up on the bed. She began to pick up the smashed fruits and place them on the dented tray. Sitir rushed in, a hypospray in his hand. Seeing him holding it at the ready, I panicked and tried to get away from him. I kicked and screamed and flailed about until finally, his aim was true and the world faded into blackness.

 

I felt much calmer when I woke up—drugged and lethargic actually. S’Tira was in the room, watching me. I sat up and rubbed my face slowly, looking around the bare room. What I saw made me so ashamed. The bedclothes were on the floor in a tangled mess…the thin mattress was skewed on the bed platform…and my clothes were tattered.

“Did I do this?” I asked quietly.

“Yes,” S’Tira replied.

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Doctor Sitir theorizes that you have T’Sala’s Regression.”

I snorted. “Is that all?”

“This is a serious neurological disorder and not to be taken lightly.”

Drawing my knees up to my chest, I met her eyes and took a shaky breath. “I’m not taking it lightly…I just…” I closed my eyes and tried again. “What will happen?”

“You will become more agitated, and easily emotional. Eventually, you will have to be sedated at all times, and placed in a psychiatric ward.”

My ribs seemed to be squeezing the air out of my chest as I waited for the punchline. This couldn’t be happening to me. Couldn’t happen to me…

“There is a treatment, but no cure.” She paused. “It is not contagious.”

“No,” I whispered softly. Closing my eyes, I lay on my side again and tried to relax. S’Tira remained silent, keeping her vigil over me. I don’t know how long I lay there, staring at the wall, wondering if I had truly lost my mind. The day passed, leaving me to my thoughts…

 

Sival came to see me. I hardly noticed when he came into the room. It wasn’t until he was close enough that I could hear his breathing that I heard him. He was gasping and he had a look of a man possessed by demons.

“Sival?” I said slowly.

“You,” he rasped. “Are my wife. You must give me what is mine to have…”

He stepped closer and I began to back away. The strange expression on his face coalesced into something sinister…and I recognized pure lust when I saw it. I hit the wall behind me.

“Sival…” I said, trying to reach his rational Vulcan brain. He grabbed my hair with one hand and used his other to hold me against the wall. His lips pressed into my neck forcefully. “Sival!” I screamed.

He was snatched away from me and dragged out the door by two husky men. I collapsed on the floor, sobbing and rubbing my head where he had yanked it. S’Tira was at my side, murmuring softly. She helped me stand and get onto the bed. A moment later, Sitir entered.

“Lena,” he began. His face was slightly paler than usual, I thought. “I must apologize for my son’s behavior.”

“What’s wrong with him?” I asked. “Does he have what I have?”

“I will have to test him, but I believe so.” he replied simply.

“I’m so sorry, sir.”

But he was gone. I looked at S’Tira, but she didn’t say anything. She left and I busied myself with cleaning up my mess. When I finished, I found myself sitting in the corner, shaking and sobbing.

 

I’m not sure what day it was when Spock returned. I didn’t ask. He sat beside me and waited until I looked up at him.

“Lena,” he said with surprising gentleness. “You have not been eating.”

“What’s the point,” I rasped. My throat was dry and I felt as if I’d forgotten how to speak. “It’s all downhill from here.”

“You do not have T’Sala’s Regression.”

It took a while for that to sink in, I admit. I shot up, my face ending up so close to Spock’s, I could have easily kissed him…In my hazy mind, and I nearly did just that. Thank God I pulled myself together and merely panted in shock.

“I don’t…”

“No, you do not.” He gazed at me, and I swear I could see fondness in his eyes.

“I’m not going to die?”

“Your condition is still very serious, Lena,” Spock replied. “As is your husband’s.”

“Husb—He attacked me, Spock!”

“He is under the influence of ponn farr, Lena.”

I gasped. As a scientist, and someone who had studied Vulcans, I knew exactly what he was saying. This thing that took over the Vulcan psyche every seven years…causing emotional outbursts, and violent tempers to flare...it was what every Vulcan dreaded—the loss of control.

“Oh,” I said, suddenly understanding his strange actions. “So that’s him. What about me?”

“You are suffering the same.”

“What?!” I exclaimed. “How could I…” I froze, realizing the answer. “Because we’re…bonded as man and wife…”

“Yes,” he replied. He shifted on the bed, then stood. “It is good that you believe it now.”

“I know it here, Spock,” I said, touching my head. I moved my hand to my heart. “But I don’t know it here.” I paused. “And, despite your Vulcan beliefs, it does matter.”

He gazed at me. “I remember…”

“Remember what?”

He stepped closer. “Will you allow a mind meld?”

I could feel his body heat radiating through my thin clothes. My heart was racing and I felt an odd stirring within my chest.

“Yes, Spock,” I breathed. “I want to…” I reached up to caress his cheek. He grasped my hand in his and held it tightly. My eyes welled up with tears as he pressed his fingers against my face.

“My mind to yours…” he murmured.

I gasped, feeling a tingling sensation where his skin touched mine. I hardly heard the rest of his soft words as my mind whirled chaotically. Suddenly everything went sharp and clear.

Watch. I was instructed.

A scene took shape…I saw myself, sitting on a bench. I was speaking.

“For years, I’ve hidden these feelings from you, Spock.” I paused and tossed my hair. “But since you introduced me to Sival…I’ve been happy. And these feelings have only clogged my thoughts. So I wanted to tell you and get it out…so I can love Sival the way he deserves…the way I deserve. That’s all.”

I told you…

Yes. You said you had been in love with me at one time.

But…I still…I mean…I’m so confused, Spock.

I know, Lena.

Can I see when I met Sival?

Of course.

 

We spent an immeasurable amount of time going over the memories. Because I knew Spock, knew how honest he was, knew that he was truly looking out for me…I began to learn about my relationship with Sival. I saw our first meeting, several conversations between Spock and Sival, between myself and Spock…it was like watching old home videos.

And when it was over…I believed everything. I knew I had to live up to my newly discovered life. How, I wasn’t sure.

I blinked as Spock’s mind withdrew from mine. His fingers left my face, coming away wet. I wiped at my tear-streaked face and sniffled.

“I must see Sival,” I declared.

“That may not be wise,” he responded. “He is not in control of himself.”

“I know,” I said, looking at Spock in adoration—not romantically, but as a newly discovered friend. “But I have to.”

He nodded, as if he understood. I wondered if he did. Spock led me out of my room and down the hall. We passed S’Tira in the hall and she offered me a nod. I took it as encouragement and took a deep breath. Spock stopped in front of a door and looked over at me. I stared at the door, feeling a last minute panic.

“My wife!” a hoarse voice cried from the other side of the door. I stepped back, frightened that he knew I was there.

“Lena,” Spock said softly.

“I’m going in, Spock.”

Before he could object, I keyed the door lock. Sival was bracing himself in the doorway, panting. His hair was a mess and his face was flushed a shade of emerald. He was staring at the floor, but he slowly looked up. When he saw me, he reached out.

“Lena,” he gasped.

My heart flip-flopped and I thought of the emotions I had seen in Spock’s memories. I had loved Sival so much, my face had shone with joy, and I seemed fulfilled. Fortified, I slipped my hand into Sival’s. His palm was sweaty, but I didn’t care. With one last look at Spock over my shoulder, I allowed Sival to guide me into the room.

 

I awoke slowly, the warm sun shining across my face. I lifted my head and shifted closer to the warm body beside me. My eyes fell on the small patch of dark curls on the subtly muscled chest. I’d always loved that little group of chest hair. I spun my finger in the curls and sighed contentedly.

“Lena,” his voice was soft and beautiful.

“Yes, my husband?”

“Something…is different.”

I grinned and kissed the skin closest to me. “What do you mean?”

“Your state of mind…seems much improved.”

That threw me, so I rose up to my elbow to look at him. “My state of mind?”

“The last few weeks have been hectic.”

“Last few…”

A pain exploded behind my eyes and I gasped. “Oh!” I cried, nearly falling off the small bed. “Sival! I remember! I remember it all!”

 

“How can I ever thank you, Spock?”

“You do not need to thank me, Lena,” he replied. He looked so handsome in his blue uniform. “It has been an honor.”

“Oh Spock,” I said, chuckling. “You did so much for me. For us!” I looked up at my husband. “Please, keep in touch. And our house is always open to you.”

“Yes,” Sival added. He allowed a very slight rise at the corner of his mouth as he looked at me. I imagined he was grinning. “Spock, you have brought us together once more.”

Spock half-bowed. “Again, an honor.” He met my eyes. “As a human might say…I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.”

As he walked away from us, his glossy black hair shining in the bright sunlight, I smiled. When my memories had returned, I had the benefit of not only knowing everything I had experienced firsthand, but also seeing how it was observed by Spock. I had had a chance to choose my husband once more—and Spock had helped again. A part of me will always love him and wonder what might have been…but I am content.

And Spock flies among the stars…

The End

 

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