Love, Revisited

By Helen J. Lake

Rated PG-13

Disclaimer: I only own two characters (Nellie and Benjamin), don’t own the rest. Don’t sue me.

Years later…

Dear Hawkeye,

I bet you thought I’d forgotten about you, and what we had. I could never forget my short stay at the MASH 4077 for many, many reasons. But first, let me catch you up on things…

Kyle has regained most of his memories by now. Daniel McGovern’s family was able to grieve and his poor wife came to visit us many times. In the end, to my surprise, she and Kyle ended up actually getting married. Go figure.

My own life has been interesting, to say the least. Working with Sidney and Kyle all that time showed me a new avenue to take my doctoring into. I’ve been a pediatric psychiatrist since the war ended. Sidney and I keep in touch often; and he has become a wonderful friend.

I have a son. His name is Ben, and he’s named after his father. A forever memory of what we shared. I wanted to tell you…How I longed to tell you about his first tooth, his first word, his first steps…Maybe I was being selfish, keeping him all to myself all this time. But I knew you weren’t ready to settle down. If you ever would be at all, that is.

I’ve told Ben about you, and he’s eager to meet his father. I’m not that far away from you, actually. I work in Boston now. In fact, I tend to work with Charles Emerson Winchester, III—he’s been a wonderful friend. He’s doing well, but at first, seemed worried that I would embarrass him. Wherever did he get that notion?

Well, there are far too many other things to tell you, so I shall close with this: I have never stopped loving you, and there hasn’t been another man since.

Much Love,

Nellie

I reread the letter for the sixth time, knowing I would never send this one, either. Sighing, I folded it and placed the pages in a shoe box. It was full of the many letters I had written over the years…and never sent. None of them seemed to say the right words…and I knew that by now it might be too late.

“Mommy?”

I smiled, as I always did when Ben came home from his lessons. “In here, Benji!”

“Mommy, I got an A!” Ben rounded the doorjamb and launched himself at me. I laughed and caught him in a monstrous hug. I looked up to see Charles enter and lean in the doorway.

“You got an A?” I asked, feigning amazement. “You’re so smart!”

He giggled and slid off of my lap, holding out a paper to me. I took it, gazing at the drawing before me. The psychiatrist in me noted that he had drawn the human bodies in advanced detail—a sign of great intelligence. The mother in me simply glowed with pride and grinned down at the black-haired angel.

“Tell me about this picture, darling genius child of mine,” I said to him. He giggled again.

“That’s me,” he said, pointing at the smaller figure. “And see, I’m drawing this picture. And this,” he moved his finger. “Is Mommy.”

I tapped my fingernail on the only other figure, a tall man standing near the edge of the page. “And who is this? Is it Mister Charles?” I glanced up, winking at him and he smiled.

“No, Mommy…it’s Daddy!”

I froze, my heart pounding in surprise. Charles straightened, looking as shocked as I was. I swallowed tightly, looking down at my son.

“Well, that’s a very nice picture, Benji,” I said. “Can I keep it?”

“Of course, Mommy,” he informed me with a faint rolling of his eyes. “I drew it for you!”

Watching as he clambered away, I placed the drawing on the desk next to the shoe box. I stood, stretching, and silently led Charles to the kitchen. I put on a kettle of water, preparing for tea, feeling his eyes upon me.

“He needs a father,” Charles stated quietly.

“Charles,” I sighed at him. “Not this again.”

“Don’t tell me you don’t think—“

“Charles!” I said firmly, interrupting. “You’ve been telling me this for years, practically since he was born. I know he needs a father figure, and I think you’ve done a fine job of being there for the both of us.”

“I’m not his father,” he pointed out. “Benjamin Pierce is.”

The tea kettle was whistling. I took it and poured in silence, thinking of that short time in Korea. The war had been over for three years and I’d been living in Boston since Ben had been born a few months before that. Charles had taken an interest in Ben from the start—and he was perhaps the only one other than Sidney who knew who the father was. Most people assumed his father had died in the war, and took pity on me. I let them believe what they preferred, knowing that the fate of unwed mothers was not a pleasant one.

I sat across from Charles, blowing the steam from my cup.

“How is Hawkeye?” I asked finally, knowing Charles kept in touch with all of the MASH 4077 family.

“He is well,” he began. “His small practice in Crabapple Cove is flourishing.”

I nodded. “I’m glad…”

Lost in thought, I hardly looked up when Charles added, “He hasn’t…married.”

Smirking, I sipped the tea. “Of course not, I don’t think he’ll ever settle…”

“I don’t know about that,” Charles said coyly. Now I did look up, and he met my eyes. “His last several letters have sounded…lonely. I suggested to him that he come to Boston for a visit.”

“You…he…” I found that all the words I could say were falling out of my head. “What?”

“He’ll be here this weekend, for the hospital Charity Masque.”

I stared at him, my tea forgotten. Ben walked in, his blanket dragging behind him as he yawned. He had spent the afternoon with Charles, who was teaching him. It had been to our mutual surprise when Ben had told us, flatly, on his fourth birthday, that he wanted to play the piano. Since Charles was an integral part of our lives, we had come to the decision that my old friend would tutor my son in the fine arts.

“Mommy,” he said in a sleepy voice. “Can I take a nap before dinner?”

“Come here, Benji,” I said with a smile. He climbed into my lap and drew his blanket up close. As his eyes drifted closed, he stuck his thumb into his mouth. I gazed down at my son, running my fingers through his soft black hair.

“I shall leave you now,” Charles said softly. “I have to be home for my own dinner, or Mother shall have my head.”

“Such a Momma’s boy,” I chided. Shifting my sleeping son into my arms, I rose and followed him to the foyer.

“Promise me something, Nellie,” Charles said, touching my cheek.

“I never promise anything,” I stated with a small smile, knowing what he was going to ask.

Sighing, he continued, “Come to the Ball, wear a mask if you’re more comfortable about it that way. But be there. See Pierce. Talk to him.”

I paused, looking down at the sleeping boy in my arms. “I’ll…think about it.”

“What am I doing?” I said to my reflection, smoothing my hair in front of the mirror. I smoothed the black dress into place and picked up the black cat mask I had picked out.

“Meow!!” Ben yelled, running into the room. He wore a small black tuxedo and a mask that was tied over his face. “Meow meow meow!” he hollered, making sure he had my attention.

“Oh my, what a cute kitten!” I exclaimed. “I think I shall keep him, if he’s good tonight!” Ben giggled and ran out and down the hall. “Benji! If you don’t get your tushie to the front door now, I’ll leave without you!!”

I heard a squeal and the skidding of his dress shoes on the hardwood floor. As I rounded the corner, I saw that he was standing, angelic, in front of the door, hands folded neatly before him. I smirked at him and he grinned up at me. For a moment, my breath caught—he has the same quirky smile his father had, I realized, wondering how I hadn’t seen it before.

Glancing at the clock, I was pleased when the doorbell rang. I immediately opened it, taking Benji’s hand, and holding my mask under my arm. Charles was resplendent in his own black tuxedo and gold-trimmed mask.

“Ah, Nellie, you look ravishing!” he said. “Ben, you fearsome little cat!”

Ben roared at him playfully as I stepped out onto the front steps with him. I locked the door behind me and the three of us walked to the car that Charles had waiting. We climbed in, with Ben sitting on my lap, and Charles beside me. He leaned close to me.

“Pierce will be there tonight,” he breathed into my ear.

I inhaled sharply and nodded. Ben looked over his shoulder at me and I just smiled at him. He seemed oblivious to my sudden worry, much to my relief. I looked at Charles, wondering if he had purposefully not said anything all week about it until he had me on the way there.

“Carol will take care of Ben tonight,” he said in a normal volume.

Ben perked up. “Carol!” he exclaimed, bouncing on my knees.

I gave Charles a grateful smile and sighed as we rode towards the banquet hall. We arrived so quickly!! I suddenly found myself taking Ben up the regal stairs, my free hand on Charles’ arm. He gave the doorman our tickets and led the way inside.

The decorations for the Masque were a modest take on Mardis Gras, I noted. As Carol appeared, Ben ran to her.

“I’m a kitty cat!” he informed her.

“Oh, and I see that now,” she said in her Irish brogue. “Miss Nellie,” she greeted me pleasantly.

“Hello Carol,” I replied. “Don’t let him eat too many sweets and make sure he doesn’t get too rambunctious.”

“Yes’m,” she said, bowing her head to me. She nodded to Charles and waddled away, Ben on her thick hip.

I took a slow, shaky breath, as Charles placed my hand on his arm again. Holding my mask on its long wand, I glanced at him once more. We entered the giant hall and I looked earnestly for the nearest source of alcohol. A waiter paused near us and I accepted a glass of champagne. I downed it quickly.

“Easy, Nellie,” Charles said softly. “Remember this is a charity event and people are watching to see if the doctors are worth supporting.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “Sorry.” I hiccupped and excused myself. “I think I shall wander around a bit, Charles. I’ll charm the money right out of their pockets…”

He laughed. “Go, and work your magic, m’dear. Watch out for…” He winked secretively.

“Yes,” I murmured, walking slowly, and letting my eyes search every face. The masks made it hard to identify anyone, really, but I spotted a few bodies and heard voices I recognized. Seeing another waiter, I gave him my empty glass and took another full one, planning to savor it.

I made small talk with various people, always watching the room. I got a few wealthy mongrels to promise large sums of money—and considering that enough for now, wandered to the mantel of the large fireplace. It wasn’t lit, of course, since it was far too warm for it. Someone had placed a large bouquet of exotic flowers in the center and I stood on tiptoe to sniff at them.

I’m not sure what made me turn—a feeling of being watched, perhaps. Still holding the mask, I turned and there he was. Oh, he wore a lovely turquoise mask with small faux jewels, but I knew him just the same. Our eyes made contact and I froze. Realizing there was a strong possibility that he would not recognize me, whether from the years past, the mask, or the lack of desire to recall anything from that time period…My mind whirled with strange thoughts.

He was walking towards me. Oh…God…I’d nearly forgotten what a presence he had. His hair had a lot more silver, I noticed in a distant way. But those eyes…oh…his eyes…

“Good evening,” he said pleasantly, as he would to anyone.

“G-good evening, sir,” I replied, sipping from my glass for lack of anything better to do. My mask was shaking—a result of my tremulous hand—and I hoped he wouldn’t notice. He glanced around the room.

“You wouldn’t happen to know Doctor Charles Winchester,” he was asking. “I’m supposed to be meeting him here.”

“Oh,” I said, positive that he did not know who I was. “I think I saw him carousing with the mayor…”

“Carousing?” he repeated, turning towards me with that—oh GOD—sexy grin. “I didn’t know Charles caroused…”

I laughed with some difficulty. “He’s been known to do many things unheard of before the war,” I allowed.

“How long have you known him?” he asked politely, though I saw the way he stiffened when I mentioned the war.

“About 5 years now,” I replied.

He was silent, and I knew he was realizing that the timeframe would fall smack in the middle of the war. I waited, wondering what excuse I might offer to explain it away. Or would my heart demand the truth?

“I’m sorry,” he said suddenly and I nearly jumped. “I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Doctor Benjamin Pierce, and I’m visiting from Maine.”

This is it…the moment of truth…

“I…I’m…” I stammered, feeling the words grind to a halt on my tongue. Clearing my throat, I stalled and drank more champagne. When I tried to speak again, all that came out was a tight squeak. His eyes watched me the entire time, amused. “My apologies,” I said clearly. “I’m—“

“Doctor Albritton!” a voice cried and suddenly my hand was being bowed over and kissed. “My dear, sweet, Nellie!”

“Oh,” I hissed, finally recognizing the person who had taken my hand captive. “Councilman Kotter, how nice to see you again…” I mumbled, not even looking at him anymore. My eyes locked with Hawkeye’s and I saw nothing but amusement there.

So that’s it…he doesn’t even remember me. Kotter said my name right here and Hawkeye doesn’t even…

I felt the burning in my eyes that foretold tears and forced myself to disengage my hand from Kotter’s.

“Councilman, if you would excuse me,” I said to him. “I need to…visit the latr…er, the ladies room.”

Before he could object, I walked quickly through the crowd and towards the inner hallways. Once there, in the sudden silence, I heard muffled sobbing. Imagine my surprise when I realized it was me making such anguished noises.

“You almost said latrine.”

Immobile, I held my breath and wished that the ground would open up and take me right then. I felt a presence near my back.

“Don’t run away, Nellie,” he said, and I felt his hand touch my shoulder. “Not when it’s been so long…”

My breaths came in gasps and I finally whirled around to face him. “You—you recognized me!” I said in amazement. He had removed his mask and was holding it in one hand. I dropped the hand holding my own, letting him see me fully.

He smiled warmly. “Of course I recognized you…” I watched as he raised his hand, nearly touching my cheek. He let it drop instead. “You look wonderful, Nellie…how have you been?”

Before I could answer, I heard a Gaelic curse echoing down the hall. My son screeched around the bottom of the nearby staircase, giggling madly. Spotting me, he ran full-tilt into my legs and it was only years of experience that kept me upright.

“I’m sorry, m'am,” Carol was saying, gasping. “He just disappeared while I was fixing his dinner plate!”

“It’s alright, Carol,” I said, keeping my hand firmly on the top of my son’s head. “I’ll bring him to you in a few minutes…that will give you time to fix any disasters he’s caused.” I winked at her and watched her walk away.

“Who are you?” Ben asked bluntly, staring up at Hawkeye.

I chuckled and rubbed his hair. I had opened my mouth to introduce him, when I saw Hawkeye’s face. He’d gone white as a sheet, staring at the child. He looked up at me, then down again, and then up….finally, he knelt before Ben.

“My name is…Hawkeye,” he said, not quite smiling.

Ben’s hand snaked its way up to mine and he tilted his head. “That’s an odd name,” he declared.

“It’s a nickname,” Hawkeye said, a smile finally making an appearance.

“What’s your real name?” Ben demanded, rolling his eyes at the stupidity of adults.

“Benjamin,” was the whispered reply.

“Oh,” Ben said. “My name is Benjamin too.” His head tilted the other direction as he sized the adult up. “Are you my father?”

“Benji!” I cried, my amusement disappearing with a crash of fear. At that moment, Charles rounded the corner.

“Aaaha,” he exclaimed, grinning. “There’s the little rascal.” He walked right up and gestured at Ben. “Come now, lad, let the adults have a talk.”

“I want a cupcake,” Ben declared as they strode away.

“Well, perhaps if you’re good,” Charles accepted. “But we better not tell your mother…” He winked over his shoulder at me as they disappeared again.

“He’s beautiful,” Hawkeye said. I turned to him and saw that he was staring down the hall.

“Yes,” I agreed softly.

“I assume he’s yours…” The familiar twinkle was back in his eyes as he looked at me. “I recognize that tact anywhere…”

I tried to smirk, but I think it came out more as a grimace. “Yes, but sometimes he reminds me so much of his father, it hurts…”

We were silent a beat, then he cleared his throat. “Is…uh…Charles…?”

I sighed explosively. “Benjamin!” I exclaimed in my mother voice. “You know damn well Charles is only a friend…” I paused, seeing the relief in his eyes. “Hawk…Benjamin…” It was now or never. Say it. Just say it. “He’s your son. Our son.”

I waited for a reaction. For a moment, I feared that he would ignore my words or…something.

“Nellie…my god…Nellie…” he was saying, and he was sinking into the nearby empty chair. He held his head in his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“All the letters I’ve written…from the moment I found out I was pregnant, to just this week…I’ve saved them all, unable to find the strength to mail them,” I tried to explain. The tears began to run down my cheeks and I did nothing to stop them. This had been years in the making. “Every day, I look at my son and remember what we shared, even in that short time. It was the worst time of my life, and the best all at the same time, and you were the only reason it had any good at all…” I stopped, realizing I was babbling. “I’m sorry.”

He looked up, and I saw the tear tracks on his cheeks. He held out his hand and after a moment, I placed mine in his grasp. He pulled me closer and kissed my knuckles softly. I gasped, feeling that spark of chemistry that I had nearly forgotten.

“I never…” he murmured. “A child…”

“Oh come now,” I said, shaking his hand. “You had to know that the odds were in favor of you producing at least one child…the way you went through nurses!”

He chuckled half-heartedly. “And doctors,” he pointed out, kissing my knuckles again.

“Hmm,” I agreed, feeling that spark again. “Hawkeye…I’ve missed you.”

“Nellie…I…there are things that happened…things I went through…” He was trying so hard to tell me.

“Hawk,” I interrupted. “There are some things that are better left unsaid.”

“And there are some things that should always be said, when the opportunity arises.” He stood and I didn’t move, so we ended up very close. “I never forgot you Nellie, or the cute little mole on your…” His eyebrows bounced until I giggled. His hand came up to touch my cheek. “I’m going to kiss you now,” he informed me.

“Hurry,” I whispered.

Leaning down, he brushed his lips against mine gently. I moaned and laughed, bringing my hands up to pull him closer. The kiss deepened and everything I’d been longing for caught up with me. I spread my hand against his back, pressing my chest into his.

“Whoa, whoa,” Hawk gasped, pulling back and laughing. “Give me a chance to breathe!”

I huffed at him. “I wish…”

“What do you wish?”

“I wish this place had bedrooms,” I replied, winking and grinning. We laughed and parted, still holding hands. “Are you okay?”

He sighed shakily. “I’m…I will be. It takes some getting used to, but…I kind of like the idea of there being another little Benjamin out there…”

“Ah,” I said. “And he’s so amazing, Hawk. He’s so smart, and he loves music and people and…he has your charm!”

“That boy will make a killing at the female population…”

I laughed, nodding. “I’m…I’m so glad you’re okay with this. I wasn’t sure how you would take it…”

“How else could I take it? What’s done is done, he’s here, you’re here…and now I’m here.”

I frowned, unsure of what he meant. “If you think you’re obligated to something here, you’re wrong, Hawk. I told you about him because you deserved to know. Not out of some sense of need or desire for a man in our lives. We’ve done just fine.”

He smiled; a knowing smile. “So I see,” he said quietly. “How have you managed to become so successful in a town like Boston, as a single mother?”

“They think my husband died in the war,” I said. “And since I’d rather not call their attention to the fact that we’ve been out here for nearly fifteen minutes…” I gestured at the double doors.

“Do you speak to Sidney often?” Hawkeye asked me as I poured the tea in my apartment’s kitchen. He was looking at the photographs on the wall, specifically one of Sidney, Kyle and me. It was the next morning, a Saturday, and one of my few days off.

“Yes, actually,” I replied, glancing up. “He’s my mentor, and always comes through Boston once a month.”

Hawkeye looked over at me. “I can’t believe he still travels all the time.”

Chuckling, I placed the tea pot on the table. Hawkeye came over and kissed me on the cheek, one hand on my waist.

“Where’s Benji?” he asked quietly.

Knowing what he had in mind, I nuzzled into his neck. “Charles picked him up for his piano lessons…just before you got here.” I paused to kiss his Adam’s apple. “He’ll be gone for another hour, at the least…”

“Mmm,” he said, pulling me even closer. “That’s plenty of time…”

“Why Doctor Pierce,” I giggled. “What did you have in mind?”

“Allow me to demonstrate…”

His mouth was on mine, our tongues intertwining. It was like the years between seeing each other had never existed. I groaned into his mouth, pulling at his waistband impatiently.

“Easy, Nellie,” he said, laughing. “Don’t rip my civvies!”

Ignoring him, I found the clasp and within seconds, his pants were falling to lie between his ankles. I grinned triumphantly and set to work on the buttons of his shirt. He leaned back to look at me, a puzzled expression on his face. I glanced up, and blushed.

“Excuse me if I’m a little eager,” I mumbled. “But it’s been years…”

His hands were on my shoulders. “Nellie…”

“Well, damn, Hawk,” I sighed. “Who would want to be with a single mother?”

“You mean…” His eyes were wide.

“Yup, you’re the last man who’s touched me…and the last one I’ve touched…”

“In that case,” he said, shuffling backwards and bending to pull his pants up. “Let me do this right…”

I shrieked with laughter as he scooped me up into his arms. He was grinning and looking around.

“Now, point me towards the bedroom,” he demanded.

I was giggling so hard, it took my entire being to point down the hall. We got halfway there before he stopped and nearly dropped me. He shook his arms, groaning.

“I think I need to exercise more…”

“Or, maybe, I need to lose some weight,” I offered.

He looked me up and down. “I like the extra curviness…”

I had to have him. Nearly leaping at him, I finished unbuttoning his shirt and pressed my face into his chest. I breathed in his scent—soap, faint cologne and the pure musk of a man.

“Nellie, dammit,” he hissed. He wrapped his arms around me and began to drag me down the hall. I laughed, clutching him around the waist.

“Hawkeye, love,” I said playfully. “You can be fancy later…right now, I need you!”

He must have seen something in my face because even though we were right outside my bedroom door, he gave me his full attention. I made the mistake of throwing my head back in pleasure—and promptly saw stars. He paused and I grunted, encouraging the movements to continue.

I fainted.

I opened one eye to see that I was on my bed. My body felt warm…and tingly…I moaned happily.

“You had me worried there, fainting so soon after hitting your head,” Hawk said.

He was behind me, so I rolled over to face him. He was completely naked, and I realized I was too. The exceptionally warm feeling came from the window being open to the summer breeze. I could smell flowers…

“Mmm,” I replied finally. “That was just a warm-up…”

He laughed as I lunged at him, straddling his waist. I had let my hair grow out long over the years, and I watched as it formed a curtain around us. Hawkeye looked up at me tenderly.

“Now this brings back memories,” he said quietly.

I giggled, remembering the first time together. We’d barely fit on my VIP cot as I took the initiative. I placed a hand on either side of his head, like doing a push-up; I lowered my face until I could kiss him. Slowly…tenderly…with all the love I had felt…

“Mmph,” he groaned into my mouth. That was the only warning I got as he grabbed me and rolled us over. Now he was on top, still kissing me.

But he’d stopped moving.

“Benjamin,” I whispered.

His eyes were haunted and he had gone pale. He squeezed his eyes shut, tears breaking free to roll down his cheeks. A harsh, broken sob tore from his lips and I reached for him.

“Benjamin, oh, my darling,” I murmured, holding his head to my breast. “What is it? What’s wrong, my love?”

He couldn’t answer; he just sniffled and sobbed against my bare skin. Sympathetic tears flowed from my eyes, mourning what anguish he was feeling.

“Do you want to stop?”

He rolled off of me. “No…Nellie…damn…” he said, his eyes tightly closed. I was silent, knowing he wanted to tell me so much. I moved so that I could lay my head on his shoulder and cuddle against his side. I played with the short hairs on his chest, feeling how his voice rumbled through his chest. “It…they…too much, ya know? I…broke down. I was in a mental hospital…”

I closed my eyes, trying to put my desires away for now. “Hawk…Benjamin, I’m so sorry.”

“There was a baby…” he continued. “I…I didn’t mean to…but I caused its death.” I gasped and half-sat up, staring down at him. “Kept crying, and the mother…smothered him.” A pain—one only felt by mothers—lanced through my heart and I collapsed on his chest. His arms wrapped around me. “Just now, all I could think what that Ben was the same age when that happened…I kept seeing my son lying limp…”

Now we were both sobbing, clutching at each other in some vain attempt to quiet the fears in our hearts. After what seemed like forever, he began to move again. I was on my back and he entered me slowly. Moving tenderly, cheeks still moist with tears, he made love to me. I kissed him over and over, and everywhere I could reach. Hawkeye kissed me deeply, lying beside me once more. He began to doze, until I glanced at the nearby clock.

“Damn!” I cried, sitting up. He jumped and looked at me. “Charles and Benji will be here in ten minutes!”

“Well, scrub up, Doctor!”

I shook my head at him and we went together to the bathroom to clean ourselves. There was no time for a shower, or bath, so we shared the sink. Once done, we went back to my room and dressed.

By the time the door opened and Benji came screeching inside, we were in the kitchen sipping re-heated tea.

“Mommy, Mommy…” He halted, spotting Hawkeye. Giving him the evil eye, my son asked, “Are you sure you’re not my Daddy?”

Charles walked in behind him, tapping the boy on the head. “Focus, Benji,” he said gently.

Ben brightened and his face turned to me. “I learned Chinese!”

“Chinese?” I asked enthusiastically, feeling confused inside. “Really?”

“He means that he learned how to play Chopsticks,” Charles said wryly.

Hawkeye and I laughed as Benji rolled his eyes and went to the fridge. “Mommy, can I have a sandwich?”

“Of course, Benji,” I said; my heart filling with joy. I began to make a small sandwich, listening as Ben told Hawkeye all about his morning—with Charles explaining certain things.

“And then you hold your fingers like this,” Ben was saying as I turned back. I placed his plate and a small glass of milk before him. His attention immediately went to the food and he began to munch happily.

“My son,” I said to the men. “The starving musician.” They laughed as I sat at the table again. “Charles,” I began. “Would you be interested in coming to dinner?”

He smiled mischievously. “No, I think that should be a family affair. Don’t you agree?”

Sipping my tea, I cocked an eyebrow at Hawkeye. He was fascinated by Ben, watching him devour the small lunch. The scene took my breath away…my son and his father, the man I loved. Charles touched my hand, drawing my attention. He jerked his head towards the other room.

I stood. “Hawk, watch Benji for a minute?” I asked.

“Huh?” he replied, distracted. “Oh, sure…”

“I take it things are going well,” Charles said once we were out of earshot.

I grinned unashamedly. “Yes, well indeed.”

He stared at me, a small smile on his lips. “Mother and Father have been pressuring me again.”

That made me sigh. “Let me guess…it’s not right, Charles, for a woman to be alone like that. Living alone with a small child—it’s not safe…she needs a man to protect them.”

He laughed. “Something like that, yes,” he agreed. “I was hoping, with Pierce back in the picture…”

“That they would back off,” I supplied. I looked back at the kitchen door. “Did you tell them about him, about us?”

He startled. “It’s not my place, Nellie,” he pointed out. “But they’re liable to figure it out when they see the three of you together.” I looked up at him. “I’ve never seen you so happy…”

Smiling happily, I stood on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. He touched my cheek in a brotherly fashion.

“It’s too bad, really,” he said quietly. “I was this close to giving in to them…”

Laughing, we returned to the kitchen. Hawkeye was listening intently to Ben as he described how to play “Twinkle, Twinkle”.

“Benji,” I chided. “What’s the rule about your piano lessons?”

“Share and share alike?” Ben quoted and giggled. I tickled him, reaching over his head to retrieve his plate. “Actually,” he said to Hawkeye. “Mommy says that she had her lessons years ago and doesn’t need to hear them again.” He paused. “She said she was six, so that was a long time ago!”

Hawkeye and Charles burst out laughing as I grabbed Ben around the waist and lifted him into the air. “That’s it, mister!” I said as he shrieked. “You’re gonna get it now!”

I promptly blew on his belly until he cried out: “Moooommy!!!!!”

Grinning at him, I put him down and watched as he gravely tugged his shirt down again. Giving the men a stern glance, he strode out of the room.

“I’m going to play in my room,” he informed us.

I sat where he’d just been, leaning on my hand. I drank the rest of his milk and looked up at them.

“So,” Hawkeye said. “What were you two talking about out there in the hall?”

Charles shot me a glance. “I suppose there’s no harm in telling him about us, Nellie,” he said, innocently.

I was looking at Hawkeye, and so saw the brief flare-up of jealousy. It made my heart soar, but at the same time, I chuckled.

“Mr. and Mrs. Winchester,” I began. “Have been trying for years to get us together.”

“Yes,” Charles agreed. “It’s been nigh impossible to put up with.”

“So, did you two ever…” Hawkeye seemed uncertain.

I raised my eyebrows at him. “We are each other’s back-ups.”

“When there is an event or occasion that requires a companion, we fill in for each other,” Charles explained.

Hawkeye seemed convinced, but I saw that spark of envy appear again. The phone rang before I could say anything more. Going to the phone on the small table outside the kitchen, I picked up it.

“Hello?” I said cheerfully.

“Nellie!” a familiar voice cried.

“Sidney!!” I exclaimed, grinning. “Where are you calling from now?”

“Well, that’s why I was calling, Nellie,” he said. As he spoke, I leaned around the corner to make sure the men had heard who it was. “I’m in town and wanted to stop by and see you and Benji!”

My face was going to split in two, I was grinning so hard. “Sure, when can we expect you?”

“Is tonight for dinner asking too much? I’ve been craving your meatloaf!”

I laughed. “Tonight is fine. I shall make sure Charles is here, too.”

“Great!” he replied and I could hear his grin. “What time shall I arrive?”

“Seven is fine, Sid,” I replied, my mind running through what I would need to do and how long everything would take.

“I’ll see you there, and I’ll bring the wine!”

“Okay, Sid! I look forward to it!” I said, and hung up.

“Our own mini-reunion!” Hawkeye commented.

“Damn damn damn!” Hawkeye cried, sticking his finger into his mouth.

“Hawk,” I chastised. “I told you the pan was hot…”

“Yeah, yeah,” he groused, examining his finger.

“Here, let me,” I said, wiping my hands on the apron I wore. I took his hand in mine and peered at the finger. “Hmm…I’m afraid we’ll have to amputate!”

He leaned over our hands too, our foreheads touching. “I think I want a second opinion!”

“Alright, you’re ugly too,” I said, giggling.

“Why you!” Hawkeye exclaimed playfully, kissing me.

Charles cleared his throat from the doorway. “I would suggest you control yourselves,” he said wryly. “Sidney’s car just pulled up out front.”

Hawkeye glanced around. “Should I hide?”

I laughed. “No, just walk out of the kitchen.”

He grinned and I removed my apron just as there was a knock at the door. Shushing Ben, who was playing with a small truck, I reached for the door.

“Sidney!” I cried happily, immediately being enveloped by his arms.

“Nellie, dear!” he replied. He pushed me back to study me. “You look simply ravishing!” Glancing up, he spotted Charles. “Doctor Winchester!”

“Sidney,” he greeted, shaking his hand warmly. “So good to see you again!”

“Uncle Sidney!” Ben cried, leaping at the dark, curly haired man.

“Benji, my goodness how you have grown!” he exclaimed, catching the small boy in his arms.

“Come now,” I said to Sidney. “Dinner is almost ready.”

He sniffed dramatically. “Ah, your famous meatloaf!”

I smiled at him as we entered the dining room. He was listening intently to Ben describe something. I tried not to react as the kitchen door swung open and Hawkeye walked out to place the meatloaf upon the table.

“Dinner is served,” Hawkeye announced.

Sidney, to his credit, didn’t drop my son. Instead he placed him gently on the ground. Then he straightened, all the while, his eyes locked on Hawkeye.

“Don’t stare so, Sid,” Hawkeye said with a grin. “I might blush!”

“Hawkeye Pierce,” Sidney said slowly, shaking his head…I could see a grin breaking through his surprise. “I’ll be damned…How are you?”

“I’m not crazy, thanks to you,” he replied warmly. He shook Sidney’s hand, holding it tightly. “How have you been?”

Sidney blew air between his lips and rolled his eyes. “Business is nuts!” he joked.

“Aha,” Hawkeye laughed. They hugged finally; slapping each other’s back and grinning.

“Mommy,” Ben interrupted. “I’m hungry!”

Chuckling, I gestured at the table and they sat. I played my role as hostess, slicing the meatloaf and scooping mashed potatoes onto each plate. Ben munched happily on a roll as the men spoke.

“Since the war ended, I’ve been traveling around the country,” Sidney was saying. “I counsel former soldiers…those who’ve lost limbs in particular.”

“Hmm,” Hawkeye mumbled, glancing up at me. “I helped with some of them before I went home to Crabapple Cove…”

“Poor lads,” Charles murmured.

“What about you, Hawkeye,” Sidney continued. “What else have you been up to?”

Hawkeye finished chewing and swallowed. “After I worked with the disabled soldiers, I headed home. Dad and I spent weeks talking…just letting everything out, ya know?” He took another bite and spoke around the mouthful. “About a month after I got there, I was walking to the mailbox and I suddenly realized that I’d never dealt with my small practice in Boston. Luckily, Charles was able to help me out.”

“It was my pleasure,” Charles said, smirking. “I have made quite a tidy profit renting it to a local dentist.”

I smiled, sipping my ice tea. “He offered it to me, ya know,” I pointed out. “I just couldn’t afford it. Not with a newborn.”

Ben perked up. “I was a baby,” he announced solemnly.

Ruffling his hair, I pointed at the peas. “Eat those too, they’re yummy.”

“Don’t listen to her, kid,” Hawkeye retorted. “That’s just something grown-ups say to make kids eat nasty vegetables.”

Ben frowned, his spoon halfway to his mouth, three peas rolling on it. “Mommy?” he asked, his eyes glancing my way.

“Benji, darling, eat your peas.” I glared at Hawkeye, fighting the laugh that wanted to break out when I saw the glint in his eye. “Hawkeye needs to learn what’s good for him.”

He suddenly grinned. “Wanna teach me later?” he asked coyly.

Now I did laugh, covering it with a cough and holding my napkin over my mouth. Sidney and Charles were eyeing us both and I blushed. Seeing that everyone was mostly done, I rose.

“I’ll get the dessert,” I stated, smiling as the three men stood. “Apple pie,” I added, seeing Ben grin.

“A la mode?” he cried happily.

“Sure,” I replied, looking at the others. “Anyone else?”

They all nodded, and Hawkeye followed me. “Let me help you with those,” he said.

As soon as the kitchen door swung shut, he was on me. I felt the counter pressing against my behind, but at the moment all I cared about was his lips on mine. Kissing him hungrily, but not wanting to be caught in an embarrassing situation, I pushed him away gently.

“Hawk,” I whispered. “We can’t…not now…ah!” He was nibbling at my neck. “They’re right in the next…mmm…room. And, um…we’re supposed to get dessert!”

“I know what I want for dessert,” he mumbled.

“Benjamin Franklin Pierce!” I hissed, pushing him back again.

He stepped away, face flushed and panting. I wanted him—God how I wanted him too!—but instead I smoothed my skirt and turned for the pie. We made up five small plates, and he scooped the ice cream on top. I took two, he took three and we headed for the dining room.

After dessert was finished, and the dishes were piled in the sink, we retired to my small sitting room. Ben occupied himself with some blocks and a small toy truck while the adults spoke quietly about the war. Soon, Sidney and Charles excused themselves, saying how tired they were. I looked at the hall clock, shocked to see it was after nine.

“I had a marvelous time,” Sidney was saying. I smiled at him as he glanced at the apartment door. “Seeing Hawkeye again was good too.” I wonder what he saw on my face as he grinned. “He does know that Benji is his, right?”

“One thing Pierce is not, is an idiot,” Charles pointed out. “You would have to be one not to see it.”

“That would mean yes,” I added.

“Does his presence here mean…” Sidney seemed to search for the correct phrasing.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t want to push him into anything, and I don’t want to turn Benji’s life upside down over it. It’s up to him.”

Sidney nodded. “Good girl,” he said, kissing me on the cheek. He nodded to Charles. “Charles,” he said. “I shall see you tomorrow at the hospital.”

“Until then, Sidney,” he replied.

We watched as the car drove away. I felt his arm go around my shoulders.

“Nellie,” he said quietly. “I’m not sure if Pierce is the type to settle…”

I sighed. “I know, Charles,” I murmured. “But I still love him…I have to give him the choice. And just hope he makes a good one…”

“Goodnight, Nellie,” he said, kissing my forehead.

His car and driver pulled up and he got in. I stood there, staring after him, lost in thought. A chilly breeze caught me by surprise and I shivered, running up the few stairs and into the apartment. I shut the door and locked it. As I turned, I hit a warm body and gasped.

“You were out there a long while,” Hawkeye said. The hall was dim and for a moment, I only saw the blue of his eyes. “I started to miss you…”

I smiled, biting my lip. I recognized the lust in his eyes, and felt it too. Before we could lose ourselves again, responsibility took over.

“I need to put Benji to bed,” I said, brushing past him. His hand caught my wrist. “Hawk…”

“I already did,” he said softly. Holding my hand in his, he led me down the hall to Ben’s room. My son lay in his bed, in pajamas, cuddling with a teddy bear. His eyes were drooping, but they lit up when he saw me.

“Mommy,” he called. “I need a kiss…”

I smiled at him, crossing the room quickly. Leaning down, I pressed my lips against his and make a loud smacking noise. He giggled softly as I ran my fingers through his thick black hair again and again. Soon he was asleep.

“He’s beautiful,” Hawkeye whispered. I looked up at him. He was gazing at Ben with a strange expression. “Just like his mother.”

I shook my head. “Just like his father,” I corrected. “He’s always looked like his father. From the moment he was born…”

This time, I took Hawkeye’s hand and took him to my room. Inexplicably, he began to chuckle. I peered up at him curiously.

“Charles somehow knew I was staying here tonight,” he laughed. “He didn’t even suggest I would be going home with him.”

I paused, knowing he was right. It struck me as funny too and my laughter joined his.

Sunlight peeked through the small curtains on my bedroom window. Instead of being annoyed, I just sighed and stretched.

Wednesday, I thought to myself with a smile. It’s Wednesday and Hawkeye is coming back.

My thoughts were interrupted by a small soaring child. I laughed and tickled my son, who wriggled away from me long enough to stand up.

“How many days now?” he demanded.

“Four whole days until Christmas,” I intoned.

“Four?” he exclaimed, eyes wide. “I’m four!”

I laughed. “Yes, but in a few months, you’ll be five!”

“And next autumn, I can start school,” he added.

“Wow,” I said, feigning awe. He giggled and leapt off of the bed. I sighed and pushed the quilts and blankets off. Padding to the window, I peered out into the vast whiteness. Boston had disappeared under a blanket of snow. I glanced over my shoulder as Ben skid into the doorway.

“Mommy?” he called. “Is Hawkeye coming today?”

I smiled involuntarily. “Yes, he is, Benji,” I replied.

He seemed to consider this. “He’s my daddy, isn’t he?”

I swallowed. “Well,” I said slowly. “Do you want him to be?”

His eyes met mine. “He makes you smile,” he stated, flying down the hall before I could say anything.

“Yes,” I mumbled, turning back to the window. “Yes, he does.”

Hawkeye had spent nearly his entire visit with me that weekend. By the time he left on Monday, I had fallen in love all over again. The only tarnish for that time was the conversation Monday morning at the train station.

“Stay with me,” I said impulsively as we held each other tightly. I had surprised myself, and as I pulled away, I realized I had shocked him.

“Ne-Nellie,” he stammered. “I…can’t…”

I shook my head, eyes welling with tears. “I know…I just wish…”

He cupped my cheek in his hand, brushing away the single tear that broke free with his thumb. I was very glad I had left Ben with Charles parents, and that Charles had said his goodbye at the house.

“I love you,” Hawkeye whispered.

I pulled him close and into an intense embrace. This kiss had to count, had to show what he, and I, would be missing. Our tongues touched gently and swirled, somehow expressing what mere words could never do. The conductor leaned out of the train and hollered for the last boarding.

“Go,” I said, pulling away. He hesitated, but I pushed him gently again. “Go!”

With one last glance, he ran for the train, jumping on and looking back at me. The train whistled and began to chug away. I stood for a moment, watching as the conductor dragged him inside. Acting braver than I felt, I drove home.

“Mommy!” Ben called from the kitchen. “I want oatmeal!”

“Coming, dear!” I replied, shaking myself mentally back to the present. I padded down the hall and heated up the stove. Ben watched, staring at me oddly. Knowing something was on his mind, I sighed. “What’s going through your head, Mister Ben?”

“You’re weird,” he declared.

I laughed, getting the oatmeal ready to cook. “I am, huh?”

“Yeah,” he continued matter-of-factly. “Is it because Daddy Hawkeye is coming, or because you want presents?”

I laughed again, stirring the now bubbling concoction. “Oh you know how Mommy loves presents from Benji!”

He giggled, his feet kicking as he sat on the chair. I tapped the spoon on the edge of the pot. A thought occurred to me and I froze.

“Benji,” I said slowly, turning to look at him. “Did you call him Daddy Hawkeye?”

“Yup,” he replied, raising both eyebrows at me expectantly.

I moved the boiling pot to another burner and dropped to one knee in front of him. “Do you want him to be your daddy? You didn’t answer me before.”

His legs stopped swinging and he stared at me. “He is my daddy,” he stated slowly, as if I was the child.

Tears filled my eyes and I swallowed. “How…how do you know that?” I sniffled.

He flung himself into my arms, not replying…but somehow, I understood. Like a parent can automatically know their child…the way Hawkeye had just known who Ben was upon sight…Ben had just known the truth. We held each other for a minute before I remembered breakfast.

“Okay then,” I said, standing and wiping my eyes. “Let’s have some oatmeal.”

“Merry Christmas!!” I cried as we entered the house. Carol was there, taking our coats and grinning down at Ben.

“Merry Christmas, m'am,” Carol replied, stepping away.

“Uncle Charles!” Ben hollered, releasing my hand to run to the man. “We brought presents and I want neggs…”

At Charles looked up at me, confused, I laughed. “Eggnog,” I clarified.

“Oho,” Charles exclaimed. He hefted the boy and nodded towards the other room. “Let’s find some appropriate for children,” he declared, winking at me.

Carol had disappeared and Charles took Ben further into the house…I found myself alone. Feeling rather childish, I whirled around and pressed my nose to the side window.

Where’s Hawkeye? I wondered. I felt warmth behind me. “What time are we expecting him?”

“Hmm,” a voice rumbled. “Depends on who you mean.”

I gasped and spun to find Hawkeye right behind me. For a second, I lost myself in his blue eyes…but then my emotions caught up and I grabbed him. He laughed against my mouth.

“I missed you too,” he said, lifting his head just long enough to speak.

After who knows how long, I had to push him away before I was overwhelmed. He stared down at me, touching my hair.

“Well, I got what I wanted for Christmas,” he declared, making me laugh in response. His hand slid down to mine, entwining our fingers. “Come on; let’s get some eggnog not appropriate for children!”

I squeezed his hand tightly, oohing and aahing at the elaborate decorations. The Winchester house was always perfectly embellished for every holiday.

“Ah, Nelson,” Mrs. Winchester exclaimed, coming up to kiss my cheek. I flinched at the use of my full name—a habit I couldn’t seem to break her of. “I’m so glad you and Benjamin could be with us tonight!” She paused. “Oh my…I never noticed that before.” She looked over her shoulder at Ben, who was sitting next to Mr. Winchester. “They have the same first name…” she mumbled.

I said nothing, only smiling at her mysteriously. When I looked over at Hawkeye, it was to see his eyes locked on Ben. My son’s gaze was locked on his father’s too. I held my breath, waiting.

Before anyone could move, the doorbell rang. A moment later, Carol appeared and came to speak into Charles’ ear. He perked up and glanced at me.

“Ah,” he said to us. “Excuse me please; I’m afraid your gifts have just arrived.”

“Oh, Charles,” I said, chuckling. “What crazy gifts did you get that would have to be delivered on Christmas Eve?”

He just grinned. “You’ll see,” he said simply.

Shaking my head, I turned back to Ben and Hawk. The interruption seemed to have stalled whatever showdown that had been about to take place. I sighed internally.

Charles reappeared. “Everybody, if I may have your attention,” he called. Once we all looked at him, he continued, “Nellie, you were quite right when you said my gift was…unusual.”

“I believe I said crazy, not unusual,” I pointed out with a smirk.

“Yes,” he said quickly, rubbing his hands together. “This year is no different in that aspect. However, the gifts are mostly for Pierce.”

Hawkeye perked up, glancing down at me. “Me?”

“Without further ado,” Charles continued. “May I present…your gifts.”

Three figures moved into view—a lovely blonde woman, holding a little girl’s hand, and a tall man with a familiar goofy grin. Hawkeye gasped and hollered incoherently.

“B.J.!!” I cried, shoving Hawkeye towards him. The men embraced, laughing and crying and carrying on. My chest was tight and painful, until I suddenly remembered to breathe.

“Hawk,” B.J. was laughing. “I can’t move, Hawk!”

“Oh, sorry, sorry,” Hawkeye said, releasing him. He looked him up and down. “You shaved the mustache.”

“I hated it,” the woman explained. She was smiling pleasantly. “How are you, Hawkeye?”

“Peg,” Hawkeye said, hugging her and kissing her on the cheek. “And Erin!” He knelt. “Look how tall you are!” He glanced up at B.J. “You’re going to be nearly as tall as your father!”

I had waited patiently, but simply couldn’t stand it anymore. “So, shall I just stand here waiting to be recognized?”

B.J. looked up at me, smiling, but I wasn’t sure he…

“Nellie!” he said, suddenly there and hugging me tightly.

I laughed, slapping his back. “B.J. Hunnicut, how have you been?”

He held me out. “Great, just great,” he said, glancing over at Hawkeye, whose grin was threatening to split his face. “Hawk has been calling me and telling about your exploits…”

“Not all of them, I hope,” I said, winking at Hawkeye.

“I’m sure I got the cartoon version,” B.J. laughed.

“Come now,” Mr. Winchester called in his deep voice. “Let’s sit down to dinner…”

Peg and I were in the make-shift nursery with our children. Erin had a doll that she gripped tightly, watching Ben warily. She watched him as he looked around the room. He had been here many times, of course—so I knew he was just trying to decide what to do first. Finally, he went to the piano.

“Mommy?” he said, turning to me, one hand on the bench.

I smiled at Peg. “Go ahead, Benji. Play Chopsticks for me.”

Erin seemed mesmerized as he began to play. She went up to stand beside him, watching his hands. A moment later, she smiled brilliantly and put the doll on the floor. Her hands went up to the keyboard and began to mirror Ben’s movements in a higher key. Impressed, I turned to look at Peg.

“She’s had lessons for a few years,” she said with a smirk. “How old is Benji again?”

“I’m four!” he hollered, never pausing.

Laughing, I added, “He’ll be five soon.”

“He’s very smart, isn’t he?” she asked.

I nodded slowly. “Preliminary testing shows him to be just below genius level…” I said quietly. “He must have gotten that from me, of course.”

Peg laughed, her blonde hair bouncing. “And his charm with the ladies from his father,” she said, pointing at our children.

I looked at them, laughing when I saw how Ben was helping Erin up onto the bench beside him. Then I realized what Peg had said, turning to look at her.

“I suppose Hawkeye told B.J. and he told you…” I mumbled. She tilted her head at me. “Or maybe it’s so obvious…”

She just smiled as we watched the children. Carol walked in, wiping her hands on her apron. Taking stock of the room, she nodded and put her hands on her hips.

“Madams, I’ll be taking over now,” she informed us. “The masters request you return to the sitting room.”

“Be good, Benji,” I called as we left.

“You too, Erin,” Peg added just before we entered the hall.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Peg,” I said, touching her arm and stopping our movements. “Did B.J. ever tell you anything about me before this visit?”

“Well,” she said slowly. “He told me about the prank you played on Charles.”

I grinned. “Took forever for him to forgive me for that.”

“Really?” she asked, surprised.

“All of the two minutes before I introduced him to Benji,” I admitted.

Peg laughed and we continued to the living room. To my delight, B.J.’s eyes lit up when he saw his wife. She smiled and immediately went to his side. They were still in love, after everything…

I want that, I thought with a little sadness. I want a good husband, more children, a home…

“Hi there,” a voice said as I felt hands slide around my waist.

I sighed, clearing my throat. “Hey,” I said.

He turned me around to face me, his face concerned. I smiled a little, wondering if my eyes told him my thoughts.

“What’s wrong?” he asked quietly.

“Nothing,” I stated, smiling again. He didn’t seem convinced, so I added, “Just a little, um…tired.”

“Hmm,” he said, but he looked distracted. He had one hand on my waist, and the other…was in his pocket, moving.

He’s fidgeting! Hawk is fidgeting!

“Benjamin,” I breathed, knowing the effect it would have on him. His eyes snapped back to me. Before I could continue, the Winchesters called for attention.

“While the children are being put to bed,” Mr. Winchester said. “The adults shall exchange some gifts.” He gestured at his wife, who held a small bundle. “Nellie,” he called.

I stepped forward; loathe to feel Hawkeye’s hand slip away. The package was placed in my hand and I tore into it with glee.

“Oh, you shouldn’t have!” I exclaimed, perhaps the first time I said that phrase with genuine appreciation. I now held in my hands a beautiful sculpture of a family. Made of a deep blue material, and rather hefty, I could only imagine what it must have cost. As I gazed at it, my pulse skipped…a man, a woman, and a child.

Family…

“I’m glad you like it,” Mrs. Winchester said, sharing a smile with her husband.

I sank onto a nearby chair to watch the others open gifts, the whole time, looking down at the sculpture and longing for the serenity on the tiny faces. What’s come over me lately? I asked myself. It was true, my thoughts as of late had been full of loneliness and despite my joy that I had Hawk in my life again, I was sad. What a mess of contradictions, I declared mentally, watching as Peg held up a sweater from the Winchesters.

“Nellie?” Charles said, sitting beside me. He handed me a glass of eggnog. “Are you alright?” he asked quietly. “You’ve been rather quiet.”

“I’m…just thinking,” I evaded. He just waited. “Okay,” I said in a near-whisper. “I want to know something, Charles. Do you think Hawk will ever be ready for marriage?”

He paused to consider that, and I sipped the eggnog. Definitely not the children’s version, I knew. I glanced at Hawk, who was laughing with B.J. about something.

“Pierce isn’t the kind of man to settle easily, Nellie,” Charles said finally. “But, I think if he had enough reason to…”

I again looked down at the sculpture, running my fingers across the figures. “Reason…like a child, and a woman who loves him…” I murmured, grasping the sculpture tightly.

“Nellie,” Hawkeye was suddenly in front of me. He didn’t sit beside me, since Charles was there, and to my shock, he kneeled. “Merry Christmas,” he said, holding a small box with a red bow.

I carefully placed the sculpture on the table next to me and, with a trembling hand, took the gift. I removed the bow, and the paper, uncovering a small jewelry box. I couldn’t breathe…I couldn’t move…With a breathy laugh, Hawkeye reached and opened the box.

“Oh,” I exploded in a rush of air. I held the earrings up in the light, seeing how they sparkled. I swallowed my disappointment and looked up with a smile. I stood, hugging Hawkeye to me tightly. His arms came up around me and I closed my eyes. I was afraid to let go, that my face might betray my sadness. Taking several deep, though shaky, breaths, I sighed.

“Okay,” I said, sniffling and pulling away. “I have your gift too, Hawkeye.” I went to the tree and bent to fetch the package. I took the opportunity to mentally slap myself for assuming anything. Turning back, I handed the gift to Hawkeye. “I hope you like it,” I mumbled.

“I’ll love it,” he assured me. Then he ripped into it quickly as I put the earrings into my ear lobes. He burst into laughter as he lifted the monogrammed black bag I had had made for him. “Nellie! It’s perfect!”

I grinned at him, and he leaned to kiss my cheek. I pushed all thoughts of marriage away. This wasn’t the time or place to worry about such things. We settled on the couch and watched everyone else as they opened gifts and spoke. I cuddled into Hawkeye’s arm, feeling warm and rather drowsy…

I jolted awake at the sound of a child crying. I lurched from the couch before I was completely aware of my surroundings.

“Benji!” I cried, stumbling against the couch. I felt a hand on my back.

“Nellie,” Hawkeye said. “You okay?”

“Benji,” I repeated, getting my bearings. I turned to go down the hall when I saw Carol appear, my son in her arms. He rubbed his eyes, sobbing. “What’s wrong, Benji darling?”

“He had a bad dream,” Carol supplied. She seemed embarrassed by the fact.

“Thank you, Carol,” I said. I cooed at my son, stroking his hair. “Wanna tell Mommy about your dream?” I asked, sitting again. I forgot the rest of the room as I focused on my son.

“Uh huh,” he sniffled. I waited, knowing he would speak when he was ready. “I…” Sniffle. “Dreamt that Daddy went away and didn’t come back!”

My head snapped back and I looked at Hawkeye. He stared at the boy, then reached out with one hand to touch his hair. I touched my head to Ben’s gently.

“Benji, honey,” I said quietly. “Daddy doesn’t live here. He has to go away. But maybe he can come back to visit us…”

Hawkeye moved closer, sliding his arm around us both. “As much as I can,” he promised.

Benji squirmed and leaned to look at us both. He frowned. “Why can’t you stay here?” he demanded. “Live here.”

“Ben…” he said quietly. “It’s not that easy. I’m a doctor, like Mommy, and I have people that need me.”

His bottom lip quivered. He lunged into Hawkeye’s lap, clutching his shirt in his tiny fists. Hawkeye looked up to stare at me. I half-shrugged. Shifting again, he pulled the boy close and held him.

Oh, Benjamin…we need you too…

It was a week later, New Year’s Eve. Hawkeye was leaving the next day, explaining that he had an operation to perform January 2. I had nodded, said I understood. But my heart ached, knowing he was leaving again. Officially, he’d been staying with Charles’ parents, but most nights he’d spent with me. I lay in bed, his arm thrown over my belly as he snored quietly, facedown. His face was towards me and I alternated between staring at him and looking at the ceiling.

“Mmph,” he mumbled, scooting closer to me. I had been awake nearly an hour, listening to him sleep and thinking about us. As he placed his head on my chest, pulling himself as close as possible, I enjoyed the feeling of his body pressed against mine, and moved to cradle his head. I sighed silently to myself. I knew we’d reached an impasse, and I wondered if he realized it.

Choose one or the other, I demanded of him, and of myself. Choose him and this sporadic happiness… Benjamin, choose us, or…

“Nellie?” he whispered, lifting his head. “Morning,” he said, seeing I was awake.

“Morning,” I replied, smiling. “Hungry?”

“Mm,” he said, yawning and rolling onto his back. “Kinda,” he admitted. He looked over at me. “I could go for a special treat before we eat though…” He wiggled his eyebrows at me.

Giggling, I sat up and pulled my nightgown off. Knowing this might be the last time, I savored every sensation as he reached for me.

After a while, he collapsed beside me, gasping. I couldn’t help it; I began to cry. The tears just poured out of me, and I felt Hawkeye’s arms enfold me.

“Shh,” he shushed quietly. “Nellie…Nellie….”

“It’s not fair,” I whimpered. “I love you so much, and all I want is for us to be together. I want to marry you, live together, be a family!” I was rambling and I couldn’t stop. “Benji deserves more than I can give him on my own, and I don’t mean material things. He needs his father, and he knows that you are his father…”

He silenced me by kissing me again. I let him kiss me, but couldn’t respond. He pulled away.

“Nellie,” he said. “I want all of that too…but it’s not realistic.”

I rolled away and off of the bed. He didn’t move. I was naked, standing at the frosted glass of my window. I could feel the cold air seeping inside, and my arms erupted in goose bumps. I didn’t care.

“Nellie,” he said again, and I grew angry at the condescension in his voice. “We live too far apart to make this more than a special and occasional occurrence.”

“I’m not a child, Hawkeye,” I replied quietly, hearing the way my voice quivered. “So here’s my thought on the matter,” I turned to face him. “You stay here. Or I go there.”

He just stared at me. “You…you’d go to Crabapple Cove?”

“To be with you, yes,” I said, hoping that was joy in his eyes.

“But…your life is here,” he pointed out.

“My life is with you,” I countered.

He seemed too stunned to speak. I sighed, rubbing my arms against the chill. Moving to the chair nearby, I picked up my robe and slipped it on. I sat on the chair, staring at the floor and waiting for him to speak. When he finally moved, it was to go to the bathroom. I heard the shower start and I sighed again.

“What the hell is he doing showering at a time like this,” I groused, going to the bathroom door. I yanked it open, surprised that so much steam poured out. Stepping inside, I saw something on the fogged up mirror.

“Marry me?” I read aloud. Gasping, I whirled as the shower shut off. Hawkeye was standing outside the tub, one hand coming from behind the curtain. The other hand…Oh God, the other hand…

“It’s not much,” he said uncertainly. “But it was my mother’s…”

He knelt slowly, eyes locked on me. My gaze switched from his to the simple ring he held and back again, over and over.

“Nelson Albritton,” he said formally. I immediately chuckled at his tone, and that he’d used my full name. “Would you do me the great honor of becoming my wife, of traveling to Maine, of being the mother of my son, and future children…” He paused. “Am I missing anything?”

“Partner at your practice?” I suggested. “Lover?”

“Both of those too,” he agreed.

I thought I would faint, so instead I nodded. “Yes, I will do all of that…and more.”

He stood, rubbing his knee and grimacing. “That tile really did a number on me…Ya know, I had the ring with me on Christmas Eve, but chickened out and gave you those earrings…”

“Hawkeye,” I interrupted. “Give me my ring.”

“Oh, right,” he laughed, slipping it onto my finger.

We kissed for a long time, finally moving to the shower together. Finally, we left the bathroom, dried and dressed, and went to wake Ben.

After announcing our engagement to everyone else, we explained our plans for the future. Hawkeye would go back home and arrange everything there. I would make my own arrangements here—the hospital would replace me far too easily—and the Winchesters volunteered to help me move my things.

That night, when we rang in the New Year, it was truly a new beginning. Hawkeye…my future husband, the father of my child…we are together finally, and forever.

THE END