THE HOBBIT AND THE
BARBARIAN IN:
DRAGON TALE
Once
upon a time, in a land, far, far away (a land known for its rain, and its
coffee, and maybe even its corduroy), there ruled a wise old king. King Bill, as he was known, along with his
Queen Melinda, ruled over his subjects with a firm, yet gentle hand from his
castle in Starbucksville. Then, one
day, King Bill made a royal decree. For
the king had received word of the existence of precious gems, like none other
on this Earth, that were located in the Enchanted Lands in the mountains on the
eastern edge of his kingdom. The gems
were reputedly of unworldly beauty, and allegedly bestowed magic powers upon
those who possessed them. Although he
was a kind, benevolent king, he was, after all, a king. And kings are greedy. King Bill desired to possess these gems,
more than anything else in the world.
So,
King Bill issued a royal decree. The
king was eager to find a Knight, or Knights, to retrieve the gems. However, there was a catch. Rumor held that the gems were guarded by a
dragon of terrifying ferocity. Despite
these rumors, the response to the King’s decree was overwhelming. “Knights” of every stripe responded to his
call. So, the King implemented a
lottery. The winner of the lottery
would be granted the opportunity to retrieve the gems for the king. If successful, the subject would be granted
with a minor Barony in Tacoma and a free upgrade to Windows Vista. Despite the quality of the prizes,
participation in the lottery was overwhelming.
Against
all odds, the winner of the lottery was a lowly Hobbit from a distant
Kingdom. The hobbit had been planning a
vacation in the Enchanted Lands when he entered the lottery on a lark. But how would he pull off such a quest? The hobbit had speed, stealth, and stamina,
but lacked the brute strength to challenge a gem-hording dragon. He knew he would need help.
The
hobbit contacted his old buddy, Brian the barbarian. The barbarian was the only person he knew with the strength
necessary to battle the dragon.
Unfortunately, the barbarian had been imprisoned by a fierce tribe of
Amazonians. He was being held high up
in one of the tallest buildings in downtown Starbucksville, where he was forced
to spend up to 8 hours each day staring at tiny screens filled with strange
numbers, characters, and symbols. When
he wasn’t staring at tiny screens, he was required to participate in endless
meetings, conference calls, and webinars (cringe).
The
hobbit feared that he would have to rescue the barbarian from the Amazonians,
but that proved to be unnecessary.
Fortunately, the barbarian had some extra vacation days, and was able to
use two of them.
The
hobbit and the barbarian considered adding more adventurers to their
party. Unfortunately, Sorcerer Howard
couldn’t join in, as he was in Puhonicks conjuring up babies. Druid Matt, purveyor of the Kingdoms finest
weed, had other obligations. The
hobbit’s somewhat taller wife had to work.
Hey, somebody has to pay the hobbit’s bills. Squire Aaron was considered, but ultimately rejected. As the hobbit has often said, how can you
trust anyone with a name that starts with two identical vowels? It would be like trusting a guy that
whistles in public restrooms. With
someone like that, you’re really taking your chances.
So,
there would be only two brave adventurers to defeat the dragon, recover the
gems, and rescue the princess. Oh, did
I forget to mention the princess?
Actually, all references to the princess have been omitted from this
account, to keep the hobbit and the barbarian out of trouble with their wives.
Planning
for the trip proved to be a challenge.
The hobbit and the barbarian agreed to share the hobbit’s tent, in
defiance of spatial logistics and good old-fashioned common sense. The two also had very different ideas about
the food they should bring. The hobbit
wanted to bring turkey sandwiches. The
barbarian wanted to bring a turkey. In
the end, they compromised on the menu, with the hobbit making most of the
concessions. After all, the hobbit had
the most to lose if the barbarian turned ravenous. When it comes to barbarians, it’s not a big leap from ravenous to
cannibalistic.
Just
getting to the Enchanted Lands was an event.
From the barbarian’s dwelling, they traveled by boat to the mainland. From there, they relied on the barbarian’s
(t)rusty steed to get them to the Enchanted Lands. Although 20 years old, the German warhorse brought them over the
mountains without delay. In case you’re
wondering, the Hobbit rode shotgun.
It was
a warm, sunny late August day when the hobbit and barbarian rode into
Leavenworth; a Bavarian hamlet on the edge of the wilderness. Here they acquired some last-minute
supplies. They were already equipped
with camping gear and enough food to feed a boy-scout jamboree. In terms of weapons, they were not
particularly well-equipped. The
barbarian carried a stout staff, along with a small, yet handy knife. The hobbit brought a spear and mace (+2
against bruins)!
From
Leavenworth they rode out Icicle Road as far as they could go. Eventually they had to abandon their
(t)rusty steed, and set off on foot.
They each hoisted packs with weights that were inversely proportionate
to their respective body masses.
Certainly the hobbit and barbarian must’ve painted quite a picture to
any other passing travelers.
After
walking for an hour or so, the pair reached a junction. Here, the trail to Colchuck Lake, Aasgard,
and the Enchanted Lands begins to climb.
The barbarian wasn’t quite ready for that though, so they decided to
continue ahead, to Stuart Lake. Along
the way, they passed through a marshy area that is noted on the map with the
universal symbol for mosquitoes. The hobbit
and barbarian didn’t linger long there, but pressed on to the lake in time for
lunch. They enjoyed a meal there, and
lounged on some boulders in the sunshine.
From the lakeshore, they reveled in the views of the surrounding peaks,
along with the Sherpa and Ice Glaciers.
While they were there, the hobbit couldn’t help but wonder; “does the
Ice Glacier feed Water Lake”?
After
lunch, they went over their plan. The
hobbit’s idea was to hike to Colchuck Lake, and establish a base camp. From there, all they would have to do is
climb a sheer, 2000’ wall to Aasgard Pass.
From the pass, they would enter the Enchanted Lands. At that point, they would somehow avoid the
dragon, steal the gems, and race home.
The details on this part of the plan were a little sketchy, but the hobbit
was pretty sure they’d be able to improvise.
They
headed back down to the junction, and then began the climb up to Colchuck
Lake. Although the hobbit and the
barbarian were focused on (some might say obsessed with) the next day’s climb
to Aasgard Pass, this hike wasn’t insignificant. By the time they reached the shore of Colchuck Lake, the
barbarian was exhausted. Overall
though, the hobbit thought he’d done well.
After all, this was his first backpacking trip in more than 10 years.
They
found a marginal campsite close to the trail, but the hobbit wasn’t
impressed. The barbarian rested there,
while the hobbit scouted for a better spot.
The
hobbit followed the lakeshore for a considerable distance, but didn’t see much
in the way of campsites. Eventually he
reached a promising area, but it was marked with a sign that said, “day use
only”. Despite the sign, a party of
Orcs was setting up camp there. This
probably shouldn’t have been a surprise, as literacy is not typically a strong
point among Orcs. The hobbit certainly
didn’t want a confrontation without the services of the barbarian, so he
quickly returned the way he came.
On the
way back, he spotted a promising area on a rocky bench above the trail. After a bit of scrambling, he found a truly
spectacular site. It was, without a
doubt, one of the most scenic campsites he’d ever seen. It was virtually hidden on the bench, among
scattered boulders and trees. From that
spot, they would be able to enjoy incredible views of Colchuck Lake, Aasgard Pass,
and the surrounding peaks and glaciers.
A few
minutes later they set up camp. Happy
hour followed, which helped the hobbit and barbarian recover from the hike
in. Afterwards, the hobbit prepared
spaghetti for dinner. Unfortunately,
the barbarian dropped one whole batch of spaghetti while trying to drain
it. As luck would have it, the
spaghetti landed in sand. The hobbit
re-boiled the spaghetti, and was actually able to remove most of the grit. Although it was a little crunchy, the meal
was quite satisfying. It’s amazing how
insignificant a little dirt in your pasta is, after a tough hike.
After
dinner, the hobbit and barbarian enjoyed another impairing beverage while
taking in the view. The scenery was
fantastic, but it was hard not to look directly at the wall below Aasgard Pass. Their only relief from that obsession was
the onset of darkness. First though,
they were treated to some fine alpenglow.
Then, they were rewarded with some fantastic stargazing. That evening, the hobbit had trouble
sleeping thanks to the cramped conditions, and the overwhelming fear that the
barbarian might roll over and crush him as he slept. Luckily, he’d had nothing to fear, except a bit of spooning.
The
hobbit and barbarian rose before dawn the following morning. After a quick, cold breakfast, they packed
up for their assault on Aasgard. Then
they hiked around the lake, taking care not to wake the party of sleeping
Orcs. Near the far end of the lake,
they passed a couple of nice campsites before reaching the boulder field. The boulder field proved to be one of the
more difficult parts of the entire hike.
The hobbit and the barbarian hopped from boulder to boulder in a long,
tedious traverse. The barbarian moved
with surprising dexterity, which offered encouragement for his ability to reach
the top of Aasgard.
Beyond
the boulders, the climb began. The
hobbit and the barbarian struggled upward, following a splashing creek tumbling
down from the glaciers high above.
Eventually they abandoned the creek, angling away from it along a steep
slope of boulders, talus, and scree. As
they climbed, the views out over Colchuck Lake got better and better.
The
hobbit and the barbarian passed below a cliff face, and began working their way
back towards the creek. They got water
there, and prepared themselves for the most difficult part of the climb.
The
final push to the pass was a grunt. The
climb went from steep to absurd. In a
couple of places, a bit of mild scrambling was necessary. Along the way, they were frequently
confronted with a choice of routes.
Fortunately, most of the route was well-marked with cairns, or, as the
barbarian called them, Karens. It
seemed like the barbarian was willing to follow Karen all day, if necessary.
The
hobbit and the barbarian crested the pass three hours after beginning the
climb. From beyond the pass, they
viewed a landscape of rugged peaks, massive boulders, icy glaciers, and elegant
lakes. Lording over this massive
landscape was a massive black dragon.
Luckily, the dragon appeared to be asleep. However, there were no gems in sight.
The
hobbit and the barbarian passed a small, unnamed lake just beyond the crest of
the pass. Since it was 2200’ up from
Colchuck Lake, the hobbit decided to name it Upchuck Lake. This seemed appropriate, since the barbarian
looked like he might blow chunks at any moment. Have you ever seen a barbarian throw-up? It ain’t pretty.
They
strolled down to the shore of Isolation Lake for a bit of lunch. While eating, they discussed their
strategy. The hobbit wished that
Sorcerer Howard was there. If he had
been along, he could’ve created a diversion to distract the dragon. Howard is very talented at creating
diversions. If Tim the Enchanter had
come, he probably could’ve just convinced the dragon to surrender the
gems. Tim the Enchanter can talk just
about anyone into just about anything.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t there, either.
Plus, there was no sign of the gems.
The
hobbit and the barbarian explored among the lakes and peaks, enjoying the
scenery and searching for the gems.
Along the way, they spotted mountain goats, marmots, sprites, and
leprechauns, but no jewels. At an
overlook, the barbarian stopped for a rest, while the hobbit went ahead without
him. The hobbit continued on as far as
Perfection Lake, but still no gems appeared.
There, the hobbit was forced to turn back, as it was getting late in the
afternoon.
He
returned to the barbarian, who greeted him with welcome news. The barbarian had found the gems.
“Well,
where are they”, the hobbit asked.
The
barbarian gestured with his hand out over the landscape. Crystal Lake twinkled far below.
“They’re
all around us”, he said.
It
seems that the King had a fundamental misunderstanding about the nature of
these gems. While they certainly had
unworldly beauty, and magic powers, they weren’t the type that you could take
home with you. The hobbit and the
barbarian did take them though, but only in their memories. The sight of those sparkling jewels is one
that neither of them will ever forget.
They
hurried back to the pass, despite tired legs.
Luckily, the dragon was still sleeping.
They began the descent back to Colchuck Lake at 4pm. Going down proved to be almost as difficult
for the barbarian as climbing. They
established a slow, but steady pace, and gradually grew closer to the
lake. They finally reached the shore
after 2 ½ hours, and began working their way along the shore. The boulder field was particularly tedious,
thanks to an unwelcome visit from Edward Scissorlegs.
Once
past the boulders, they endured a modest hike back to camp. There, the barbarian fetched water while the
hobbit prepared dinner. Then they
feasted on jambalaya and salad. After
eating, the barbarian passed out, and the hobbit was forced to finish off the
rest of the liquor. By the next
morning, the barbarian would be worn out, and the hobbit would be hungover.
They
slept in a bit the next morning, before choking down some oatmeal and breaking
camp. On the way out, they dodged
through a vast parade of people heading towards Colchuck Lake. The parade featured everything, including
baton girls. The hobbit wouldn’t have
been at all surprised to see a tuba.
All the
traffic slowed them down, but they still made it out by noon. They saddled up and rode back to
Leavenworth, where they gorged themselves at the Heidelburger. Afterwards, they began the long journey
home. The return trip featured long
ride, followed by yet another missed boat.
Oh well, at least the ferry terminal had a bar.
That evening, Brian’s wife, Jill, treated us with a fantastic steak dinner. Then we got the news. The football team of our Alma Mater, Appalachian State University, had beaten the University of Michigan, 34-32. After winning national championships the last two years, this was the icing on the cake. Hail to the victors; the Mountaineers win again.
The next
morning, Brian, Jill, and the family took me to the airport. The flight home was pleasant, as we passed
right by the volcanoes of Mount St. Helens, Mount Adams, and Mount Hood. It was a fitting end to a great trip. I can’t wait to get back to Washington
State, but when I do, I’ll have a tough time choosing a destination. I’d like to explore the Glacier Peak
Wilderness, and the Wonderland Trail around Mount Rainier beckons. Beyond that, there are three or four major
trips in the Olympics I’d like to tackle, too.
As usual, one enjoyable trip often leads me to only want more.
Back to Washington trip reports.
Back to Hiking and Backpacking Trip Reports
Please remember to Leave No Trace!