MISSION:
INCONSEQUENTIAL
Editor’s Note – Any similarities
in the following account to the writings of the late Douglas Adams are merely
the product of an overactive imagination.
Editor’s Note – The sentiments
expressed in the previous note include the note itself.
Editor’s Note – If you need to
re-read that, we’ll wait for you……Ok, shall we carry on?
Agent
Double O Zero looked down at his orders again and sighed. With a shrug of the shoulders he stuck them
in his mouth and began chewing. Of
course he had to eat them – all hell would break loose if they fell in the
wrong hands. At least the orders were
cleverly disguised as a granola bar, so this didn’t appear unusual to the
people crowding the parking area.
Agent
Double O Zero was standing at Newfound Gap, in the heart of the most heavily
visited National Park in the country. Tourists
milled about, enjoying the view and taking photos despite the chilly weather. Agent Double O Zero hoisted his pack and
deftly avoided the hordes, crossing the road and starting up the Appalachian
Trail towards Clingmans Dome.
The
agency had sent him here on an undercover mission to investigate the reported
sighting of a U.F.O. high in the mountains on the NC / TN border. The alleged sighting was supposed to be from
a legitimate source, but Agent Double O Zero was still disgruntled. First of all, he’d been assigned to this
mission solo. If this was so important,
the agency could’ve provided him with some company. Unfortunately, his usual cohorts were all
tied up this week. Will Smith and Tommy
Lee Jones were off filming another movie.
Agent 42 (aka Whippersnap) was on holiday at
the beach. Agent Hater was hard at work
at his second job writing novels. Agent Detox was still trying to raise twins, and most of the rest
of the department had retired or had entered the witness protection
program.
Truthfully
though, Agent Double O Zero wasn’t disgruntled because he was on his own. He was used to going solo. The real issue was with his status within the
agency. Oh, but how far he had fallen in
the past year! His career had started
with a bang. His undercover work in the
mountains of North Carolina had been integral in the capture of Eric
Rudolph. More grunt work had led the
authorities to the Unibomber. Those successes had led to his promotion to
the personal body guard for Dick Cheney’s cat (don’t laugh, that cat ran the
most powerful nation on Earth for eight years).
Everything
had fallen apart a year earlier. Last
December, agent Double O Zero was demoted due to that embarrassing incident at
the office Christmas party involving an I-Phone, a Chinchilla, and hacked
access into Representative Anthony Weiner’s (D-NY) twitter account.
So
now it was back to undercover missions, posing as a hiker. Yeah, Double O Zero had that nailed. He had all the gear, the boots, the fleece,
and the Gore Tex. Most of his friends
thought that he simply enjoyed spending his free time out in the woods. Even his wife thought he earned his living by
traveling and performing audits for banks.
As if he could spend his life reviewing accounting
records. LOL! If only they knew. But of course that wasn’t possible. If they found out, he’d have to kill
them. Or erase their memories, but that’s
such a messy process…
Agent
Double O Zero shook his head and picked up the pace. It was already late morning, and Clingman’s Dome was still 8 miles away. He’d brought camping gear with the intention
of staying in a shelter that night after making an initial reconnaissance. Still, he was hopeful that he could thoroughly
investigate the area before nightfall.
The
hike was pleasant and quiet. Most of the
time the trail stayed in the woods, deep in the dark shadows of the spruce and
fir trees that grow at these high altitudes.
On a couple of occasions, at Indian Grave Gap and Collins Gap, the trail
passed close to the road leading to Clingman’s
Dome. The Park Service closes that road
in the winter though, which was just fine with Agent Double O Zero. He strongly preferred hiking away from the
sounds of automobiles. Plus, with the
road closed, he didn’t have to worry about any tourists stumbling upon a space
ship – if there really was one.
Early
that afternoon Agent Double O Zero crested the summit of Mount Collins. Here he found the first views of the
surrounding countryside since leaving Newfound Gap a couple of hours
earlier. The first views were to the
south, towards the mountains and valleys of North Carolina. The next vista though made him pause. From the trail he had his first clear view of
Clingman’s Dome.
And was there something on the summit?
There was some sort of communications tower up there, but what was that
next to it? It didn’t look natural. Unfortunately Agent Double O Zero had left
his binoculars behind. This was
definitely a low-tech mission. He’d just
have to walk up there to find out.
From
Mount Collins the trail dropped steeply down to Collins Gap and the road. Then it went back up, still along the ridge
separating North Carolina and Tennessee.
Agent Double O Zero passed over Mount Love, and then it was on to Clingman’s Dome. At
the summit, he emerged from the trees into a clearing, and what he saw caused
his jaw to drop. The agency’s sources
were correct. There was a spaceship
parked there, right on the very summit of the highest mountain in the park.
Agent
Double O Zero waited in the trees and observed.
There was no sound, and no movement.
The area appeared to be deserted.
Conveniently, the gangway was down and the front door was open. Agent Double O Zero thought he recalled that
his orders had expressly forbidden him from approaching the ship or any aliens
that he might encounter. However, he
wasn’t certain of his memory, and he couldn’t re-read his orders since he’d
eaten them. Under the circumstances, it
seemed like having a look around was the prudent thing to do.
Agent
Double O Zero walked up the gangway and peaked in the front door. The control
area was full of blinking lights and beeping sensors and other high-tech
gizmos, but no living creatures. Agent
Double O Zero moved forward cautiously, ready to bolt at the first sight or
sound of an alien. He walked through a
lounge area featuring tables, chairs, a sink and other decidedly ordinary
furnishings. A few items did catch his
eye. One wall featured a poster
advertising the Elvis Pressley 2011 / 2012 Tour of the Universe. Below it, on a table, was a half-eaten peanut
butter and banana sandwich.
Could
it be true? It was well known throughout
the agency that Elvis was, in fact, kidnapped by aliens back in the ‘70’s. Most normal people thought that story, along
with crop circles and anal probes, was a farce.
Of course, the agency has a way of spinning the truth into obvious
fiction. What better way to keep a secret
than to publicize it, but make it seem like a complete fantasy?
At
any rate, the kidnapping was well-documented at the agency, if highly
classified. The intriguing thing to
Agent Double O Zero was the possibility that Elvis had returned. Rumors had persisted for years that Elvis
returned to Earth periodically for performances. Although half a sandwich and a poster hardly
constitute evidence, it piqued the agent’s curiosity.
Agent
Double O Zero worked his way over to the Captain’s chair and began rummaging
through an adjacent desk. After a couple
of minutes he found what he was looking for.
The Captain’s Log. The agent’s eyes nearly popped out of his
head:
Elvis
Pressley 2011 / 2012 Tour of the Universe
Nov
22-30: “The Drunken Camel”, Dubai, UAE
Dec
1-8: “The Band”, Atlantic City, NJ
Dec 9-16: “The Magic Attic”, Myrtle Beach, SC
Dec
17-23: “Dollywood”,
Pigeon Forge, TN
Dec
24-26: “Great Smoky Mountain Railway”,
Bryson City, NC
Dec
27-31: “Ozark Ollies”,
Branson, MO
Jan
1-9: Memphis, TN (tour break)
Jan
10: “Chef’s”, South Park, CO (drop off
Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, and
Token)
Jan
11-12: Roswell, NM (reunion)
Jan
13-22: “911”, Reno, NV
Jan
24-31: “Playboy Mansion”, Los Angeles,
CA
Feb
1-22: “Trump Casino”, Las Vegas, NV
Feb
23: “Moose the Mooch”, Wasila, AK (drop off Sara)
Mar
1-15: “Arthur’s”, Andromeda
Mar
17-31: “Geddy’s”,
Cygnus X-1
Apr
1-???: “The
Restaurant at the End of the Universe”
Agent
Double O Zero pulled out the fancy new I-phone his wife had bought him for
Christmas and took some photos. Then,
out of curiosity, he pulled up the website for the Great Smoky Mountain
Railway. Here’s what he found:
Hmmm.
Agent Double O Zero began to wonder if he was really onto
something. Could Elvis really be touring
the Universe posing as an Elvis impersonator?
Agent
Double O Zero attempted to email the photos he’d taken to headquarters, but
just then his I-Phone mysteriously died.
What was going on? Everybody
knows that Apple products are infallible.
Agent
Double O Zero glanced down at his watch.
It was after 3pm. Clearly he’d
overstayed his visit. He headed for the
door, and noticed a “Sara Palin for President 2012” poster on his way out. Hmmm. Even more interesting. A popular theory around the office was that
Sara was in fact an alien sent here to destroy Earth. Could that be true, too?
He
hurried out the door and back down the gangway.
He had just reached the edge of the woods when he heard voices. He quickly hid himself behind a stand of fir
trees and waited.
A
minute later a group of aliens appeared, coming from the direction of the
parking lot. They weren’t obviously aliens,
as they were in disguise, but Agent Double O Zero recognized aliens when he saw
them. This group had apparently gone
overboard disguising themselves as tourists.
Most of them wore Bermuda shorts pulled up to their nipples, along with
white socks and sandals. All of them
were sporting sunglasses and ridiculous hats, and most were wearing silly
t-shirts. There were several promoting
the Elvis Pressley tour of the Universe 2011/2012, and a few in favor of Sara
Palin for President. There were also
several Dollywood shirts,
along with the occasional “I’m with stupid”.
The most amusing one featured a horse and buggy with the quote: “My wife
went to Intercourse (PA)
and all
I got was this lousy t-shirt!” Clearly
Agent Double O Zero was dealing with masters of disguise. They certainly looked like a pack of
tourists. They weren’t fooling him
though. For one thing, their silly hats
didn’t quite hide their cone heads. Too,
they were seriously undressed for the 30-degree temperatures that afternoon on Clingman’s Dome.
Walking
in the middle of the group was the King himself, Elvis. At first Agent Double O Zero failed to
recognize him. This was because Elvis
looked like he was in his prime. Gone was
the fat slob at the end of his career.
Elvis was looking good for a dead guy, to say the least. Still, he was unmistakable. Plus, the blue suede shoes were a dead
giveaway.
He
may have been kidnapped originally, but it didn’t appear that he was being held
against his will. He was walking along
at his leisure, chatting and joking with his “captors”. Agent Double O Zero pulled out his camera and
got a quick shot before they passed by:
http://fxt.worth1000.com/entries/76955/elvis-lives
The
aliens passed by, unaware of Agent Double O Zero’s presence just a few feet
away. Once they were out of sight, the
agent abandoned his hiding spot and hurried down the trail. He needed to get word of this to the home
office, fast!
Editor’s Note: We now pause for a word from our
sponsor. Don’t go anywhere, as the
thrilling conclusion of “Mission:
Inconsequential” is coming up next!
Coming soon to theatres near you... nominally
based on excerpts from notes written on the back of a napkin that were inspired
by a partially true story….
Julius Farkleburger
was an aspiring novelist with a new book.
One day, he received word from his agent of his big break. Oprah Winfrey had selected his novel for her
book of the month club! However, when he
arrived at the studio, he discovered that there had been a mistake. Improbably, Oprah’s people had contacted the
wrong Julius Farkleburger. Distraught, Julius committed a spectacular
suicide in front of the studio audience.
Most members of the audience recovered
eventually, with the help of Dr. Phil.
But the spirit of Julius Farkleburger was
restless. His ghost began to haunt the
studio. He spooked the audience,
tormented the staff, and possessed Oprah.
“This movie will make you laugh, it will make
you cry, it will make you lose control of your basic bodily functions”, raves Siskel and / or Ebert.
So don’t miss “The Phantom of the Oprah”*,
coming soon to theatres near you.
***Working title only, pending legal approval
Editor’s Note: We now return to our program already in
progress.
ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING
Agent
Double O Zero had originally planned to spend the night at a trail shelter not
far from Clingman’s Dome. However, his I-phone wasn’t working, and he
needed to get his photos to headquarters. Plus, the weather forecasters were now calling
for sleet and freezing rain Monday night into Tuesday. Hiking out 10 miles in those conditions didn’t
sound like fun. Even worse, the drive
from Newfound Gap back to Cherokee might be hazardous. Thus far, the agency had failed to provided
him with the Batmobile, or a Hummer (a real one, not
one of those crappy SUVs), or even a lousy Subaru. Getting back down those icy roads in the
Corolla could be dicey. The prudent
choice would be to head out.
It
was 3:30, and there was no way that Agent Double O Zero would make it back to
the car before dark. With that in mind,
he decided to walk down the road rather than hiking the trail. He could walk the road in the dark without
having to worry about tripping and falling off a cliff.
He
reached the tourist parking area, which was deserted. The views from here were excellent, though
not as expansive as from the space ship he’d just left behind. As he walked down the road he passed below a
sheer wall adorned with icicles. At
Collins Gap he thought about rejoining the trail, but with darkness looming, he
thought better of it. When he met the
trail again at Indian Grave Gap it was almost completely dark. Then, he heard a distant but distinct
hum. The hum increased in volume, and
the ground began to rumble. Agent Double
O Zero turned and watched as the spaceship lifted off. One moment it was there, and then it disappeared
in the blink of an eye.
It
HAD been there, hadn’t it?
Agent
Double O Zero gave his a head a shake and resumed his walk. It had been a long day. An eventful day for
certain, but mostly a long day.
He returned to Newfound Gap, which was now mostly deserted, well after
dark. He headed for home, his head
spinning with everything he’d seen that day.
And on the long drive home, he began to think about making a road trip
to Branson, Missouri.
Back to Great Smoky Mountains National Park
Back to Hiking and Backpacking Trip Reports
Please remember to Leave No Trace!