PROLOGUE

Once upon a time, 6 brave adventurers journeyed to the Smoky Mountains on a noble quest. King Blunt has commissioned the Knight, Sir Bob, to escort Princess Laura through the wilderness to the King's brother, the Count of Cataloochee. Accompanying Sir Bob were Myron, the Blacksmith, Dorcas, the Elf, Andy, the Hobbit, and Andy’s slightly taller girlfriend, Christy, the Scout. The Druid, Joel, couldn’t make it. (A Druid is a bearded, jolly lover of nature that practices strange religions, usually in the woods). Sir Bob was determined to escort his princess safely through this dangerous region. However, the rest of the party had other motivations.

Chapter 1: ON TO CATALOOCHEE

It was a long ride from Statesvillevania to Cove Creek Gap, in the wilderness outside of Cataloochee. Upon arriving, Christy discovered that Dorcas' carriage had a bad wheel. The rest of the party unloaded the gear, and the Elf and the Blacksmith rode back to the nearest town in search of repairs. It was a long wait in the noonday sun for the Princess, the Knight, the Hobbit, and the Scout. Luckily, Myron and Dorcas were able to find a carpenter quickly. They returned, and the noble adventurers set off.

The party hiked into the woods, following a path along the ridge high above the valley. Before long, hunger overcame them, and they paused for the mid-day meal. Happily they reached an overlook just in time, with a fine view of the valley far below. Beyond, the high peaks from Mt. Sterling Ridge to Balsam Mountain reared towards the sky.

The original inhabitants of this area, the Cherokee, named it Cataloochee. This literally translates to "Fringe standing erect".

This part of the program was brought to you by Viagra. The Natural Alternative. We now return you to our program, already in progress.

Chapter 2: THE KING NEEDS ROPE

The group wanted to linger, but the Princess had to be delivered to the Count by Monday. They set off once again, following the ridge high above the valley. Along the way, our heroes were watching intently for hemp. You see, the Kingdom was facing a severe shortage of rope. King Blunt had offered a handsome reward to anyone that could find a large quantity of hemp. However, none presented itself. After several hours of walking, the scout found the trail down McKee Branch to the small village of Caldwell Fork. The group descended the steep, muddy path quickly, in eager anticipation of reaching camp. Once they arrived at the creek, it was only a short walk upstream to the village.

The Scout and Hobbit approached the village, but immediately realized that something was amiss. The air was heavy with the smell of roasting flesh. They found the villagers in despair. Raiding Goblins had set up camp on the far side of town. They had been terrorizing the villagers ever since. To make matters worse, they were the most evil brand of Goblin known to mankind. The reddish hue of their necks made this apparent, even from a distance. Our heroes bravely snuck past the Goblins and made camp beyond the outskirts of town. Along the way, they passed the evil stallions that serve the Goblin hordes.

The party found a nice spot to camp, amid a valley of ferns and near a stream. However, they were still close enough to town to hear the shouts of the plundering Goblins. Our party was certainly nervous being so close, but night was closing in and their options were limited. They set about preparing the evening meal. The blacksmith heated his irons, so that the Elf could make her magic brownies, with their mysterious healing powers. Meanwhile, while the Knight was fetching water, the Princess got into the wine. By the time he returned, she was stumbling about and threatening to raid the Goblin camp and steal their ale. He encouraged her to give it a try, which had they backwards effect of making her not want to. Eventually she sobered up, and the rest of the group enjoyed much wine and spirits. That evening though, they had a difficult time sleeping to the sounds of the Goblins drinking, feasting, and hacking at trees with their axes.

Our group arose early Sunday. The Hobbit had studied the map, and discovered a nearby mountain named Hemp Hill. After some discussion, the group decided to delay the delivery of the Princess to the Count. Instead, they would spend the day finding out what really was growing on Hemphill.

Chapter 3: BUTTERCUPS

After a quick breakfast, our heroes broke camp. The Goblins were sleeping, and the group slipped past them quietly, but not TOO quietly, if you get my meaning. Then it was up the Double Gap trail towards the Cataloochee Divide. The Scout went ahead, as Scout's often do, though in this case it was mainly because nobody could keep up with her. It was a big climb, but on a more pleasant trail than yesterday's descent along McKee Branch. A little over an hour later, the Hobbit caught up with the scout at the base of Hemphill Bald. The Scout was tracking some strange birds. They acted liked turkeys, and clucked like turkeys, but didn't really look like turkeys. They were gray with white underneath, with white heads and reddish beaks. The Hobbit had never seen such birds, but they were clearly a sign! Hemp must be nearby.

The rest of the party reached the base of the bald. The Knight insisted on painting a group portrait, twice, which took some time. Finally though, the quest continued. With a little more effort they reached the summit. They paused here for lunch and to enjoy the view. The vista was truly outstanding. Nearly every major peak in the kingdom was visible from the meadows at the top of the mountain. From Max Patch in the northeast, to Standing Indian in the southwest. Roan Mountain, the Black Mountains, the Plott Balsams, Black Balsam, Crabtree Bald, and Mt. Pisgah were all identifiable. In the middle was Cold Mountain (coming soon to a theater near you). This made a fine backdrop for the mid-day meal.

After lunch the search for hemp began in earnest. However, none was to be found. The mountaintop was covered only in Buttercups. Inconceivable!

The Hobbit, the Scout, the Blacksmith, and the Knight decided to press on in search of Hemp. The Elf agreed to escort the Princess back to camp, and use her magic to protect her. (Never mind that her magic is mainly limited to brownies with healing powers and an uncanny ability to predict the weather). Speaking of weather, thunder rumbled in the distance. A storm was brewing, and danger was in the air.

Our heroes continued their quest, following the ridge west from Hemphill Bald. Soon though, the pounding of hooves echoed off the surrounding mountains. The group paused to look back. Goblins! The same beasts that had plundered Caldwell Fork were bearing down on our heroes! The Knight readied his shield. The blacksmith wielded his mighty staff. The Hobbit hid behind them. The Scout was a mile ahead and missed the whole thing. Our group was hopelessly outnumbered. Luckily though, the Goblins hurried past, bound for their home in the valley of the Magi. You see, they had to get home in time for the chariot race that afternoon. There's nothing a Goblin enjoys more than cheap ale and chariot races. Go #8 chariot!

With that disaster narrowly averted, our party hurried on. It was a pleasant walk, through a quiet grassy forest. However, no hemp was to be found. Eventually they arrived on Balsam Mountain, where they found the Polls Gap trail closed due to horse damage. The Goblins strike again! Luckily though, our adventurers were headed back down to Caldwell Fork. It was easy walking down the Rough Fork and Caldwell Fork trails, although one immense fallen spruce did create a bit of a delay. The last mile of the hike passed through a beautiful forest of old trees. Most impressive were the big poplars, just a short distance above camp.

Our group returned to camp to find that the Elf and Princess had returned safely. They had avoided the Goblins on their way back to camp. Sunday evening was much more pleasant, without the stench of the Goblins and their steeds. However, the signs of their passing were unmistakable. Their camp was buried in refuse. Despite this, the villagers were celebrating. While our group enjoyed a campfire and more hearty food, wine, and spirits, the overwhelming smell of burning hemp floated up from town. At least they weren't burning rope.

Chapter 4: BOOGERMAN

Monday dawned warm and sunny after Sunday night's rain. After another quick breakfast, our group broke camp. It was still a long walk to Cataloochee, and the princess was due there by early afternoon. The hike started badly. The Princess was convinced that there was a troll under the first bridge over Caldwell Fork. The Knight assured her that it was safe, but she wasn't having it. She spurned the bridge, and waded the cold waters of the stream. Afterwards the walking was a constant challenge of avoiding the mud pits created by horses. Of course, as the Blacksmith pointed out, horses don't destroy trails, horseback riders destroy trails. After an hour the group reached a junction, and a dilemma. The trail ahead crossed numerous treacherous bridges, with trolls likely at many of them. Also, that path is frequently traveled by parties of raiding Goblins. However, the alternate route was fraught with it's own perils. It passes through the haunted forest of the Boogerman. The Boogerman once had a castle in the wilderness there, before he died. However, rumor has it that the Boogerman still haunts his former lands. Would our group brave the bridges and risk the Goblins, or would they take their chances with ghosts? The distant thud of horse hooves decided the issue. They would risk the wrath of the Boogerman.

Our heroes climbed a mighty hill, and reached the ruins of Boogerman's castle. The adventurers bravely explored the area. No ghosts appeared, and they continued on, through a dark, foreboding forest. The trees were massive and ancient. Then, they reached the king of the forest. It was a massive hollowed poplar, large enough for a person to stand in (or for that matter, camp in). Sometime later the Knight discovered a bizarre fungus on a log near the creek. It was large, orange, and shaped exactly like a turkey. Clearly, this was some sort of sign. Once again though, no hemp was to be found.

The group hiked on, climbing to the crest of a ridge. They paused there for lunch, and were visited by a Hummingbird. The Hobbit knew that the Scout was mortally afraid of Hummingbirds, so he scared it away with a bad case of gas. After lunch, the group descended from the ridge, and left the forest of the Boogerman behind. Ahead though, lay one final challenge: The Bridge of Doom.

Chapter 5: THE BRIDGE OF DOOM

The bridge of doom spans Cataloochee Creek. It is the longest bridge in the kingdom, and passage is not easy. The Elf and Blacksmith approached, and were startled by the troll. He asked them the three questions:

"What is your name"?

"What is your quest"?

"What is your favorite color"?

The Elf got across with her favorite color, purple. The troll was most impressed with the blacksmith's quest - cold beer and Mexican Food. The Hobbit and the Scout approached. The troll was so overwhelmed by the Hobbit's odor that he waived him across without any questions. It takes some serious odor to offend a troll. The Scout's quest to take her damn pack off passed with flying colors. The Knight answered his questions honestly, and was granted passage. However, the Princess' quest to kick the Knight in the ass didn't impress the troll. Then, the Princess couldn't remember the capital of Syria, and was forced to wade the river barefoot. The Knight bravely waited for her on the far side. Once she crossed safely, it was on to Cataloochee. First though, they stopped for a celebratory ale.

Yes, the tale ended well. It was a story of brave adventure, lusty wenches, and good times. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Actually, there was no sex, very few drugs (we're still looking for that hemp), and no rock and roll (although I think the Goblins may have been playing Lynrd Skynrd late Saturday night). Well, I guess this wasn't much of a fairy tale after all. At least they all lived happily ever after, so far, except that work this past week was tough for some of them. The end.

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