FICTION Part 1
by Bill Hillman
THE WORLDS OF EDGAR RICE BURROUGHS
Princess of Mars by Charles R. Tanner
Dak Kova by India Boone
To Heart Talks by J.T. Donney, Macleod, Alberta
Jungle Vine by L. Sprague De Camp
Tale of Two John Carters by L. Sprague De Camp
Ratnaz Files as they appear in Whizzle and All-Gory Pulp Parody Mags
Famous Princess of Mars Covers
Pulp Magazine Covers of ERB Mars Stories
1. PRINCESS OF MARSby
CHARLES R. TANNER
A PRINCESS OF
MARS is perhaps the best -- and it is surely the best known -- science
fiction novel that Burroughs ever wrote. Now here it is -- for the very
first time -- in the form of a poem. Or is it a parody? Or is it a condensation,
or even a review? You will just have to read it and find out for yourself....
by CHARLES R. TANNER
From the magazine
SCIENCE FICTION - FANTASY -- August 1968
A PRINCESS OF MARS
(Of all the stories
in the land, Least liable to bore us
Is that of Captain
Carter and The lovely Dejah Thoris
It’s held its own
with boys and men
Since ‘way back there
Captain John Carter,
C.S.A., prospecting in the west,
Beheld his partner,
Powell, get an arrow in the vest.
He turned his horse
around and ran, pursued by painted braves;
they chased him through the canyons and the caves.
He hid within a cave
at last, a dismal place and haunted;
The Indians came,
a-searching him, but even they were daunted
By something in the
cavern dim -- then Carter got a sniff
Of something old and
dead and cold, and he was frozen stiff!
He lay for hours within
the cave, as still and cold as ice;
He tried to wiggle,
tried to squirm, he tried to move -- no dice.
At last he felt a
funny click -- by every Grecian god! he Jumped up and gee!
He found that he was
standing by his body!
Don’t get me wrong,
no ghost was he, he still was just as stolid
And grim and stern
and handsome as before, and just as solid.
He stepped outside
the cave and looking up beheld the stars.
A moment’s spark of
cold and dark, and Bam! He’s up on Mars!
The Martians known
as Tharks were quite the strangest ever seen;
With walrus tusks
and four long arms, fifteen feet high, and green.
They lived like desert
Arabs, but instead of sheep and goats,
Up there on Mars there’s
zitidars, calots and banths and thoats.
John Carter killed
a warrior, and standing by the carcass,
He saw a Thark walk
up and say, “Good work! My name’s Tars Tarkas.
“No one can have a
friend on Mars, no one can have a wife,
“But keep it quiet,
friend, and I will be your friend for life.”
One day, while Carter
cleaned his guns and hummed a little ditty,
An airship from far
Helium came sailing o’er the city.
They shot it down
’mid squeals and yells, a wild and savage chorus;
And there inside was
Helium’s pride -- the lovely Dejah Thoris!
Oh “who is Sylvia,
what is she, that all our swains commend her?”
An who is Trojan Helen,
e’en with Venus to defend her?
And who is Shakespeare’s
Juliet? These ladies all were quinces.
Not one would dare
to risk compare with Captain Carter’s princess.
John Carter as a fighter
was a superman for certain.
John Carter as a lover
-- Let us quickly draw the curtain. .
He stuttered, stammered,
stumbled -- he was in a dreadful state;
And only two clear
words got through; he muttered, “Let’s escape.”
“So forth from Alexandria
--” (Beg pardon, that’s a quote),
So forth from their
imprisonment they rode upon a thoat.
Across the dead sea
bed they fled, past many an ancient ruin,
Till, in dismay, they
saw the next day the green men were pursuin’.
The green men came
up fast so she fled upon a thoat.
John Carter told her,
“Go, I’ll stay behind and be the goat.”
But when the Martians
got up close, he saw they were no Tharks.
These savage goons
were all Warhoons, a damsite worse than sharks.
They took him to their
city and they put him in a cell.
He found that they
had captured a red Helium man as well --
A noble friendly fellow
by the name of Kantos Kan--
And it really burned
him up when he had to fight the man.
The Warhoons like
a battle, so they made their prisoners fight
From early in the
morning until pretty late at night
And then they turned
the last one loose, so Carter got a plan.
“It’s up to you to
see me through,” he said to Kantos Kan.
So Kantos killed a
dozen men, and Carter killed a score,
Then turned upon each
other when there weren’t any more;
And Kantos faked a
sudden thrust and Carter fell “defeated”,
And lay there, stark,
till after dark and then got up and beat it.
Across the dead sea
bottom Carter quickly made his way,
And came across a
great big building, late the following day.
An old man bade him
welcome, saying, “Enter without fear,
“For I’m the cheese
that makes the breeze that people
breathe up here.”
(You see, the planet
Mars is old and hasn’t got a bit
Of natural atmosphere
and so they manufacture it.
They have to keep
it secret from the whole blamed Martian race,
Or pretty soon some
dumb Warhoon would try to raid the place.”
The old man flattered
Carter and he made him stay for lunch
And said he had to
spend the night, but Carter got a hunch
That this old boy
would kill him just to keep his secret tight --
So with the dawn,
J.C. was gone, continuing his flight.
Across the dead sea
bottom (golly! here we go again!)
Came Carter to Zodanga
where he joined the ruler’s men.
And one day on the
street he saw an old familiar pan.
“Well, knock me stiff,”
said Carter, “if it isn’t Kantos Kan!
Said Kantos Kan, “By
Issus, you’re the guy I’m glad to see.
“I’ve got a job to
do and you can be a help to me.
“These fellows caught
our princess fair, as from the Tharks she fled,
“And now the clown
that runs the town insists that they be wed.
John Carter said,
indignantly, “Well, whaddya think of that,
“I’ll wallop these
Zodangans till they don’t know where they’re at.
“The nerve of them!
The princess is the girl who’s won my heart.
“Them easy marks!
I’ll get the Tharks and take this place apart.”
He leaped upon his
thoat and rode, with Thark his journey’s end.
Tars Tarkas was their
ruler now; he said, “Hello, my friend.”
Said Carter, “I’ve
got a job for you,. my friend, so do you duty,
“And in the end you’ll
get, my friend, a lot of loot and booty.”
To make a long tale
short -- they smote Zodanga, hip and thigh;
The Tharks attacked
them from the ground and Helium from the sky.
Zodanga lost its freedom
and its ruler lost his life;
The Tharks got loot
and wealth to boot -- and Carter got his wife.
For ten long years,
‘mid smiles and tears, he led the life of Reilly
As Dejah Thoris’ husband.
He was honored very highly.
And then, one day,
he heard her say what threw him for a loss:
“Your loving wife
would bet her life they’ve killed the air-plant boss!”
Said John, “Now that
you mention it, it is quite stuffy here.
“I guess it’s up to
old J. C. to save the atmosphere.”
He quickly called
a flier and set off across the plain.
And flew and few till
he came to the airplant once again.
He fixed the air-plant
up, all right, the best that he could do,
But he was darned
short-winded by the time that he got through.
He gazed up at the
sky, beheld the planet of his birth --
A moment’s spark of
cold and dark, and Bam! he’s back on earth!
Oh, Edgar Burroughs
antedated Joyce by several years
In writing stories
that go ‘round in circles, it appears.
If I were old John
Carter, I would sure be broken-hearted
To fight so much with
Tharks and such, and wind up where I started.
2. To Dak Kova
By Miss India Boone,
Kansas City, Missouri
From Camille Cazedessus’
ERB-dom #55, Feb. 1972
Forty-three million miles away
On a planet up in
There lives a fearsome,
That does not fear
A more savage horde
Never walked beneath
And the cruelest and
Is Dak Kova of Warhoon
Fifteen feet he stands
from head to foot,
With skin of olive
And quite the most
I’m sure you’ve ever
Blood red eyes show
And only one ear’s
One broken tusk, snow-china
Will frighten the
Dried human hands
and naked skulls
Are worn around his
A wild, proud being
who has won
The title of “Jeddak.”
But deep inside him’s
That never can be
By looting, burning,
or laughing at
Some creature that
He can never know
Never love, or hope,
Never know the beauty
Or have a mate who’s
A loveless creature:
Living in a world
He knows no emotion
nor cares for time
His one desire...To
3. Heart To Heart Talks
by J.T. Donney,
The All-Story Weekly
Letter Column, September 22, 1917
When Burroughs wrote
his fairy tale
Of strange Pellucidar,
I read, and thought
it was a whale,
And I have scouted
Another such a yarn
As yet found nothing
of the kind.
So, as he’s left his
Tho’ happy he may
To me it does not
seem quite fair --
A sequel I would see,
Which, lest his great
machine shall rust,
Shall place him on
this old world’s crust.
And let him come via
For I have sunk my
In oil stocks, and
if I am out
My money I would know,
Ten thousand feet
they’re down -- well!
Next thing’s Pellucidar
or -- what?
4. The Jungle Vineby
L. Sprague De Camp ERB-dom #24, August, 1968
T*****, T*****, the master of the jungle,
Swings through the
jungle on a dangling vine;
Often in the cinema,
you may have seen him,
Swinging where the
tropical lianas entwine:
Knife in his teeth
and his fundament girded,
Girded in the pelt
of a spotted feline,
Rescuing his Jane
or vanquishing a villain,
Swinging through the
jungle on a dangling vine.
Long ago I visited
the Falls of Rutshuru,
Deep in the Congo,
T*****'s home --
Yellow at the top
and white at the bottom,
Where the muddy cataract
thunders into foam.
us the jungle pressed closely;
Creepers hung down
through the deep, green gloam.
Bully! I thought;
I’ll perform like a T*****,
Swinging on a vine
through his forested home.
Vine tore loose from
its mooring in the jungle,
Shook down a myriad
of venomous ants;
Dropped me, thump!
on the Congolese greensward.
Ants in my hair and
my shirt and my pants.
If you want to swing
like T***** in the jungle,
Take this equipment
for your aerial dance:
Nails and a hammer
to tack up the vines, and
Spray-can of bug juice
to keep away the ants!
5. A Tale of Two John
Carters by L. Sprague De Camp (Galaxy
Captain Carter, C.S.A,
Sorely wished to get
From redskins who
had destined him for doom.
So he gazed upon the
Focused all his will
And ping! he
found himself upon Barsoom.
There he swung a mighty
Loved a princess,
joined a horde
Of fearsome, wall-eyed
green men ten feet tall.
He commanded flying
And proved the greatest
Martian of them all.
Doctor Carter, Ph.
(Class of nineteen
Resolved to be the
first to tread on Mars;
Joined with NASA,
wrote up specs,
And strove to bend
Spent the balance
of his life
And when a ship at
last on Mars did land,
All of Carter on that
Was a little pot of
To mingle with the
sterile Martian sand.
The Ratnaz Files - by Tangor and
An ongoing ERB parody in the style
of the Pulp Masters
Follow the ongoing adventures
of the Edgar Nyce and his Burros - Brace, Bryce and Buzz Bozhart - Dee
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North - Captain Marble - Ras Putan - Algor ...and... the Lord of the Leaves
Pick up a copy
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7. JOKE SECTION
Tarzan swings into the tree house after
work and asks Jane if she has prepared the martinis. Jane says, "Oh Tarzan,
we don't have any snacks to go with the cocktails."
Tarzan swings back out of the tree house
into the forest and comes across two Golden Finches which he catches in
each hand and knocks their heads together to kill them. He then returns
to the tree house, throws the birds on the table, and asks Jane, "Can we
have dinner, now?"
Jane replies, "But Tarzan we have no meat
for the main course."
Tarzan swings once again out of the tree
house into the forest and comes across a pair of chimpanzees and catches
one in each hand and knocks their heads together to kill them. Once again
he swings back into the tree house, throws the monkeys on the table, and
asks Jane: "Can we have dinner, now?"
Jane replies, "Tarzan, do we have to have
FINCH AND CHIMPS AGAIN?"
Tars Tarkas, the Jeddak of Thark
Had a bite that was worse than his bark,
He was giant, and green;
When he came on the scene,
His foes found it wise to embark.
TARZAN: A MAN OF LETTERS
Yesterday, I helped my mother-in-law get
set up on email for the first time. She got frustrated from time to time.
Upon reflection, I decided that frustration was perfectly understandable.
Imagine trying to learn to write a letter for the first time...
Me: Ok, to write
a letter, the first thing you need is a piece of paper and a pen.
Me: Paper is
flat stuff that is made from tree pulp, sort of like a very small blackboard.
Pens are sticks that write, sort of like chalk but smaller and in darker
Me: Ah, yes,
that is paper, but you don't want to write a letter on that, that's my
can't I use this?
Me: Well, that's
a representation of money that I .. uh, never mind. Just don't write on
that. Look, here's a piece of paper that you can write on.
about a pen?
Me: Pens are
like little sticks. Do you see anything on this desk that looks like a
little stick? Uh, no, that's a ruler. Rulers are for measuring things.
Uh, no, that's a toothpick, it's for cleaning teeth, I don't know why it's
on my desk. Look, here's a pen.
doesn't look like a little stick! It's grey. Little sticks
Me: I meant
"little stick" metaphorically. Just use this. Uh, you have to take the
cap off first. Ok, now write "Dear Mom" on the paper. Wait, you want to
rotate the paper so that the short side is at the top and the long side
comes towards you.
Me: Well, that's
just how it's done. I suppose you could do it the other way, but it would
look a little funny. Ok, now write "Dear Mom" on the-- oh, no, at the top.
Well, never mind, we can just throw this one away and start over. That's
right, "Dear Mom" at the top. Then the rest of the letter.
I've finished the letter! Can we go hunting now?
Me: Well, you
aren't really done. I mean, you are done with the letter, but now you have
to send it. You need to put the letter in an envelope next. An envelope
is a piece of paper that is all folded up to hide and protect the letter.
Uh, no, put my paycheck down, we don't want to fold it
into an envelope.
Me: Well, yeah,
it would *work*, but it isn't the best way to do it, and besides, I want
to keep my paycheck. Look, just put your letter into this envelope here.
Me: Yeah, you
have to fold it first. Um, it will work better if you fold it into thirds.
No, the other way. There you go, now put it in the envelope. Good. Now
seal the envelope by licking the paper here and folding it over.
must be joking!
Me: No, really,
that's how you seal the envelope. Look, if you don't want to lick it, you
could get a little sponge and dish of water and use the sponge to wet the
just go dunk it in the creek then.
Me: NO! Sorry,
I didn't mean to yell. Look, I'll show you, I will lick it for you. See?
now can we go hunting?
Me: No, not
yet, we still need to address the mail so that the postman knows who should
get the envelope. So on the envelope, write "Lady Greystoke" - nonono over
here. Well, never mind, we can get a new envelope for it. I'll take it
out of the old one for you. Ok, here's a new envelope for you, see if you
can put it in - that's good - and seal it.
Tarzan: I cut
It does take a little getting used to. Ok, now write "Lady Greystoke" right
here. Good! Ok, now we need to look up her address in the address book.
This is my address book, and you'll have to make
your own address book and fill it in with
will I know what people's addresses are?
just ask them for their address.
can I ask them if I can't write to them?
Me: You have
to ask them some other way, like when you see them in person.
can't I just get a big book with everybody's address in it?
Me: Well, there
are five billion people in the world, so it would be an awfully big book,
plus people move all the time, plus some people wouldn't want their address
in the book. Look, trust me, it works. You'll get people's addresses. Ok,
so underneath her name, write her address. Uh, you put the street address
on its own line, then the city and state and ZIP code.
a ZIP code?
Me: Don't worry
about it, just do it.
It would be a lot easier if I could just put "Mom." Ok, it's addressed.
NOW can we go hunting?
Me: Hold your
horses. You need to put your return address in the upper left-hand corner
of the envelope.
my return address?
Me: It's how
people can contact you. Your landlord should have given you a piece of
paper with your address on it. Yeah, that looks right, now copy that to
the upper left corner. Upper LEFT corner. Good. Ack! My desk! Put the cap
Me: It's very
important that you put the cap back on the pen so that the ink from the
pen doesn't get all over everything. Ok, now we have to put a stamp on
the envelope, which is a way of paying for the delivery. You need a 32-cent
stamp. Never mind why. You need to put it in the upper right hand corner,
no, right-side up - so the 32 is right-side up. No, it won't stay by itself,
you have to lick it.
not licking anything else, I cut my tongue last time.
Me: Oh, all
right. I'll lick it for you this time. Tomorrow you can go buy a different
kind of stamps that you don't have to lick.
many different types of stamps are there?
Me: Well, there's
stamps you lick and self-adhesive stamps, and different denominations of
stamps, oh, and there are stamps from other countries but you can't use
our government doesn't recognize those stamps. And we can't use our stamps
in other countries.
do I have to use two different stamps if I send something to another country?
Me: No, there's
an agreement with other countries that they will deliver mail with our
stamps if they come from outside the country.
why can't we use other countries' stamps inside our country?
Me: They just
won't, leave it be.
I'm going hunting now.
Me: Just a
minute, just a minute! How do you think the letter is going to get to your
mother? Did you think it was just going to magically leap from the desk
and get to her? We need to take it somewhere that the Post Office can find
about under my pillow?
Me: Don't be
smart with me, young man. We need to take it and either put it in the mailbox
or take it down to the post office.
the mailbox where mail comes *in*?
Me: Yes, but
the postman will take it out of the mailbox and take it down to the post
office if it is already there.
that mean that if I don't take my incoming mail out of my mailbox by the
time the mailman comes again, he'll take all my mail away?
Me: No, it
doesn't work like that. Look, it just works, ok? Just go put it in the
mailbox, I'm tired of arguing with you. Then go play in the jungle or whatever,
just leave me alone.
Letter-writing is *hard*!
Email looks pretty easy in comparison!
by Ducky Sherwood?
BILL HILLMAN .
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