Okay, so here's another example of my screwed up thinking. This is my

first ever Chakotay/Torres story, and it's short. I swear that is a hard

pairing to write!

Title: Musings

Author: Alicia

Part: 1/1

Canon: Heck no

Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue

Spoilers: None

Summary: After some soul searching, they've finally found the answer:

each other.

Warning: Hey, look. I love P/T and J/C is awesome. But C and T are

cute together. Just don't flame, alright?

~`~`~`~

        I sit on the edge of the couch, gently so I don't wake her

up. Right now, she really needs to sleep, to forget everything that's happened to

her today. She needs to find that solace from the hurt I know must be

tearing her up. Oh, she tries to hide it, but she's not very convincing. I

could read those big brown eyes through any situation.

        She turns over in her sleep, muttering his name, the one

syllable that hammers away at her, waking or otherwise. I want nothing more than to

go to his quarters and punch his smug face in, but that won't help anyone

now. He's already hurt her, and hurting him back won't take away that pain.

        She's so beautiful. Just laying there, oblivious to the fact

that I'm staring at her with such intense scrutiny. She doesn't know that I'm

watching every breath she takes and counting the times her lips

unconsciously part. She's been like my daughter in a way, but she's

also a woman. Somehow I didn't see that before.

        I don't know how I could've missed it. I was so busy watching

the way she handled her temper and checking in on her every hour that I didn't

take a good look at her. Her face in itself is a work of art. Her forehead

ridges subtle but noticeable, making her seem mysteriously intriguing. Dark

brown eyes that hold more emotions than I've ever known. Defined cheekbones

and lips that look so soft . . . god how much I want to touch them right

now. Her skin is so creamy, soft to the touch. Her hands are engineer's

hands, rough and calloused from endless work, but I'd bet they still have a

lover's touch. The gentle rising and falling of her breasts has never

affected me as much as it is right now. I wish I knew how to control these feelings.

        Right now she doesn't need another admirer. She needs me, her

friend, the only real father she's ever had. I can do that . . . as long as she

doesn't smile, or touch me, or . . . oh hell. I've got it bad. If only I

could go back to the feelings I used to have towards her, purely platonic.

Friendly and fatherly, giving her advice about her life, not wondering with

whom she'll end up spending it with. There's nothing I can do about it

now, nothing but try to suppress these emotions. My spirit guide had

better be in a guidance giving mood tonight.

~*~

        I sit here in the dark of Chakotay's quarters with nothing to

do but think. He's in bed now, fast asleep I hope. He's been so wonderful to me

through all of this, and I just wish there was something I could do to repay

him.

        It still hurts to think about Tom. Hard to ignore the pain

that he caused me. The captain, dammit! How could he screw the captain when I've

given him everything he's ever wanted? It still baffles me how men can be so

unfeeling. There's no way this is killing him as much as it's killing me.

        I can feel the tears wanting to escape my eyes; they're

burning now. I won't give him that victory again. Men are pigs and they're not worth

this amount of pain.

        Except Chakotay. He's truly a man of honor; he'd never hurt

me like Tom did. Chakotay . . . gods sometimes I wish I was in his league. Even

when I was dating Tom, I still had this yearning for Chakotay that I

suppressed. Hell, I don't have to hide it anymore, I'm free.

        Sliding off the couch, I make my decision. The floor is cool

against my bare feet and the shirt Chakotay leant me tickles against my

nakedness. His room is so close . . . just a few more steps and I'm inside. He

always sleeps with that nightlight on, ever since I've known him.

        There's a soft glow on his face from the light, it's resting

right on the side of his face. Carefully, I sit down on the edge, my eyes roaming

over his face. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps, like a little baby.

He's a beautiful man, inside and out. The problem remains that he's my

friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not sure if either of us are ready

for anything more than that.

        He stirs in his sleep, his eyelids fluttering open. Holding

my breath, I watch as his face changes from confusion to recognition to worry. He

opens his mouth, I know what he's going to say before he says it. Before he

can say a word, I press my lips to his and feel my heart race as he

responds.

        His lips are warm and soft against mine, and he reaches out

one hand to cup my cheek, just like Tom used to. I pull away at the thought. At his

confused look I smile, realizing it's time to put the past in the past. This

is my future. Chakotay is my future.

~*END*~