Name:   Mary S.

email:  duffydog_ca@yahoo.com

Title:  Dreams

Rating: PG-13

And yes, you're quite welcome to archive it whenever you wish.  I

think this is a most imaginative method of getting more stories for

the fanfiction page.  Oh, and I'll send it to KJ, who hosts my

webpage and will provide a URL.

Talk to you soon.

Mary

Disclaimer:  The usual – Paramount owns `em

Rating:  PG-13

Notes:   J/C'ers, beware!   This is a C/T friendship story, set

shortly after "Persistence of Vision".

DREAMS

By Mary S.

           "I'm the Chakotay you want me to be, the one who loves

you…"

           B'Elanna bolted upright in her bed, her eyes wide and

staring, as the memory of Chakotay's voice echoed through her

head.    Her heart was pounding, her body tingling with arousal as

the provocative words spun about in her mind.    Frantic to still the

voice, she covered her face and forced her brain into engineering

mode, trying to wrap her thoughts around the latest idea to improve

warp propulsion, or how to transfer energy from the holosystems to

the replicators during power shortages – anything to get that damned

soft voice out of her head!

           For five nights running, she had relived the dream that

the Bothan had inserted into her brain.   The one in which Chakotay

came to engineering in the middle of a crisis, urging her to leave

the ship and come away with him,  the one where he said he loved her,

where he kissed her.   It had been so believable, so…real, that she

had actually felt his lips moving slowly across her mouth, tugging at

her lower lip, as he grasped her tightly and pressed his body into

hers.   Even now, the fading memory was enough to make her clench her

fists in a desperate attempt to force down her lust.

           Oh lord!   What was she going to do?!

           She had hoped that, with time, the dream would fade, but

it hadn't.   She had even talked about it in general terms with the

captain the night before last.   But when Janeway had advised facing

her thoughts head on and confronting the dream, she'd backed off,

using the excuse of an early shift to escape before she gave herself

away.   If the captain knew what her dream was about! – well, she

couldn't know, no one could, ever.

           She lay back down, trying to force her body to relax, but

her mind was fully awake now, possibilities, and ramifications of

those possibilities, flying about at random.   She let herself

examine the unthinkable – what if she actually pursued the idea of a

romance with Chakotay?   Was it possible?   Could they make it

happen?  When she got right down to it, did she even want to?

           She sighed and sat up again.   This wasn't going to work –

she was too wound up now to sleep.

           She got out of bed and padded into the bathroom, then

started to dress.    Might as well go down to engineering and look

for something to do; at the very least, she could harass the night

shift.    However, even as she began to pull on her turtleneck, she

paused as her mind skipped to the holodeck.

           "Computer.   Is anyone using the holodecks?"

           "Holodeck one is in use," came the monotone.   "Holodeck

two is presently empty, but is reserved for Captain Janeway at 0600."

           Good.  It was nearly 0400 now.  "Reserve holodeck two for

two hours starting immediately.   Authorization Torres two beta five."

           "Holodeck reserved."

           B'Elanna tugged off her uniform trousers, and pulled on a

pair of standard-issue shorts and a t-shirt.    A good workout could

be just what she needed.

           Less than five minutes later, she stood at the control

panel for the holodeck, scanning the list for an exercise program.

Ah, there was one,   Advanced Security Training.   She glanced at the

name beside it – Tuvok – and grinned.   Vulcan advanced exercises

should be just what she needed to distract her mind.   She entered

the code and ordered the program to begin.    The heavy doors slid

open to show her a large airy room, filled with all kinds of exercise

paraphernalia.   There was equipment here from a lot more worlds than

just Vulcan, she was sure.

           She walked to the nearest one, a set of parallel bars, and

swung herself onto them.

                                         =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^=

           In holodeck one, Commander Chakotay sat cross-legged on

the edge of a mesa overlooking a deep canyon in northern Arizona.

The sky was glowing with the last of the twilight, faint tendrils of

cloud tinged with orange floating far off over distant mountains.

Before him lay the contents of his medicine bundle, his hand still

resting on the akoonah, although he had finished his vision quest.

His eyes gazed forward blankly, focused inward on what his animal

guide had told him.

           Ever since his experience with the Bothan, Chakotay had

been a troubled man.    He was having difficulty believing that the

dream he had been shown could possibly have any factual basis, either

in reality or his own subconscious.    In desperation, he had finally

sought out the most peaceful place he knew, a place he had recreated

sometime ago on the holodeck, and settled down to get some answers

from his animal guide.

           However, instead of answers, his questions had only led to

more questions.   He never knew if his guide was deliberately being

enigmatic in a vision quest, or if she honestly didn't know, but as

had happened before, he'd received no clearcut resolution.    She had

thrown every question, every demand, right back in his face, forcing

him to search himself for what he needed to know; he had come out of

the quest as uncertain as when he'd entered it.

           This time, he had become so frustrated, he had openly

berated her, accusing her of toying with him.   She had seemed to

laugh in response, her yellow eyes gleaming as her tongue lolled out

of her open mouth.    Then, without a sound, she had risen to her

feet and padded away, never looking back.   He knew he would not see

her again this night.

           With a sigh, he folded up his medicine bundle and rose to

his feet.

           "Computer, end program."

           Arizona disappeared to be replaced by the gray grid of the

holodeck.   Chakotay strolled out the doors, wondering if there was

any point trying to go back to bed.   It was 0430 – his alarm would

go off in another hour anyway.   Maybe he should just go and work on

reports until it was time for breakfast.   At least he'd get an early

start on the day.

           As he passed the second holodeck, he noticed that it was

in use.   He slowed, wondering who else couldn't sleep.   It was a

general-use program, he noticed, not a restricted one, and the

privacy lock had not been engaged.   He peered more closely at the

control panel.   An advanced security training program; that would be

pretty strenuous.  He wondered who would want to use one of Tuvok's

programs at this time of the morning.   Perhaps he better have a

quick look.   Someone might be in need of a sympathetic ear.

           Without pausing to inquire who was inside, he activated

the doors and walked in.   Before him was a room, obviously a

gymnasium of some sort, crammed full of exercise equipment.   At

first, he couldn't see anyone, until a muffled curse sounded from

over his head.   He looked up to see B'Elanna hanging upside down by

her knees from a set of rings, her face deepening to red as her body

swung gently to and fro.

           "B'Elanna?!   What are you doing?" he called up to her.

           "I was about to ask you the same thing!"

           "I came in to see who was here.   I didn't expect it to be

you."

           She blinked, then pulled herself up to grasp the rings,

and drop her legs, so that she was hanging by her hands.   Chakotay

moved underneath her and stretched up to grab onto her thighs.

           "Let go," he told her.  "I've got you."

           She obeyed, falling none too gently into his arms.   He

wobbled but kept his balance, holding her until he was sure she was

steady on her feet.    Even after he stepped back, he kept a grip on

her arms, looking down at her with concern.

           She found herself staring up at him in wonder, momentarily

disoriented by the warmth of his body and the strength of his

grasp.    Unconsciously she swayed toward him, her body reacting to

his proximity.

           Her unblinking stare made him furrow his brows.   "You

okay, B'Elanna?"

           His voice brought her back to reality, she shook her head

to clear it, and moved out of his grasp.   "Yes, of course," she

answered brusquely, which confirmed to him that she most certainly

wasn't all right.

           He lifted one hand to stroke her cheek.   "What are you

doing here?   Can't you sleep?"

           B'Elanna bit her lip, her mind in turmoil.   Chakotay had

caught her completely off-guard – her emotions were raging through

her chaotically, leaving her quite vulnerable.   She forced herself

to breathe deeply, in an attempt to re-establish some kind of tenuous

control.   She realized he was waiting for an answer and spoke the

first words that came into her head.

           "I had a dream, and afterwards, I couldn't sleep, so I

came here and found this program.   I thought…"   She paused,

realizing what she was saying, but it was too late to take back the

words.

           Chakotay took her hand and led her to a nearby

bench.   "Let's sit down."   She had no choice but to follow, her

mind gone totally blank.   He pulled her down beside him, holding her

hand.   "Now, tell me about the dream.   Was it a nightmare?"

           "Yes…no, well, sort of…"  Oh dear, what was the matter

with her!  She sounded like a complete idiot!

           He smiled encouragingly.   "Must have been some dream."

           She nodded in a heartfelt manner.   "Yes, it certainly

was."

           Her heart was pounding so that she could hardly think.

Surely he must be able to hear it!    She clutched his hand like a

lifeline, trying to force down her emotions that were all clamoring

at once for attention.    Chakotay felt her fingers tense, and slid

his other arm around her shoulders.   Good lord, she was so stiff

with tension she felt like a board!   He rubbed her arm gently.

           "Relax, B'Ela, it's only me.    Talk to me.   Tell me

what's bothering you.   Something is, I know."

           She closed her eyes for a moment, then abruptly relaxed

against him.   She felt his fingers stroke up and down her arm,

soothing her, mesmerizing her brain, making her forget exactly who

she was leaning against.   Without thinking, she opened her mouth and

the words tumbled out.

           "When the Bothan invaded our thoughts, he showed me things

that I hadn't realized, that maybe I didn't want to realize.   I

can't get it out of my mind, the vision I saw, I felt that day.   It

was so real, it's still hard to believe it only happened in my head…"

           Chakotay started slightly in surprise – so he wasn't the

only one troubled by the Bothan's meddling.   He forced himself to

concentrate on her.   "What did you see, B'Elanna?   Tell me."

           She was silent, appalled at what she'd just said.   Of all

the people she might talk to, he was the last one she should be

discussing her dream with!   She clenched her teeth, trying

desperately to hold back, trembling with the effort as the words

nearly bubbled out.

           Chakotay gripped her arms and turned her to face

him.   "Tell me!" he ordered her with every ounce of authority he

had.  Automatically, she began to respond, and once started, she

couldn't stop.

           "I saw you, us, together…  You came into engineering to

help me set up a resonance burst to block the psionic field that the

Botha were generating.   But when we tried to contact the bridge and

then anyone else, and no one answered, you told me we should leave

the ship together.   I resisted, telling you I couldn't believe what

I was hearing, that you didn't sound like the Chakotay I knew, and

you said…you said, `I'm the Chakotay you want me to be, the one who

loves you.'   I was so stunned I couldn't believe what I was

hearing!

           "You took me in your arms and kissed me, and I let you, I

wanted you to!   The next thing I knew we were in your quarters; I

was still telling you we couldn't do this, we had a responsibility to

the ship.   But you kept kissing me, telling me how much you wanted

me, saying you knew I wanted you too, and I…finally, I…oh god! I let

go, and I kissed you back!   And made love with you."

           B'Elanna covered her face, her body shaking with shame and

despair.   Oh god!   What had she done, babbling away like that!   He

must be horrified, repulsed that she could think that way about

him!

           Her thoughts were so chaotic, her mind so clouded with

emotion that it was several minutes before she realized that Chakotay

was still holding her just as close as he had before.    She gasped

for air, almost sobbing.

           "I'm sorry, you must hate me!   I shouldn't have said

anything…" she muttered half to herself.

           Her words and even more, the mortified tone in her voice,

brought Chakotay out of his musings.    He had been astonished at

first when he understood what she was telling him, but then, he

realized he shouldn't be so surprised.    He had known almost from

the time she first joined his crew on the Liberty that she had a

crush on him.   He had done his best to deflect her attentions

without hurting her feelings, and had congratulated himself on his

efforts when she had started to make friends of her own among the

crew.

           But the Bothan had rooted through their subconscious minds

ruthlessly, digging out and exposing all their hidden feelings and

desires.   In retrospect, realizing how B'Elanna had been avoiding

him lately, he should have expected something along the lines of her

confession.

           Feeling her shiver, he pulled her a little closer and

gently stroked her back.   "Are you cold, B'Ela?" he asked softly.

           "A little," came the mumbled reply.

           Abruptly he rose to his feet, pulling her up with

him.   "Come on," he told her.   "Let's go to my quarters and I'll

make you some hot chocolate.   That'll warm you up."

           He led her out the door, deactivating the program as he

went, and steered her into the turbolift.   Moments later, they

arrived at his door.

           Once inside his quarters, Chakotay picked up the

decorative blanket, which had been tossed over his armchair, and

wrapped it around her shoulders before settling her on the couch

under the viewport.    Then he went to the replicator and ordered a

large hot chocolate for her and tea for himself.    He wrapped her

hands around the mug, then sat down beside her.

           "Drink it carefully, B'Ela, or you'll burn your mouth.

It's pretty hot."

          She sipped carefully at the mug, her eyes focused

downward.  Chakotay remained silent, drinking his tea slowly as he

gazed at her affectionately.   She looked no more than about twelve,

enveloped as she was in the blanket, feet tucked under her.

Certainly, at this moment, she bore little resemblance to the ship's

chief engineer.

           B'Elanna felt numb.   All the turmoil and anger had

drained out of her with her confession.   The ball was in his court

now – she would abide by whatever decision he made.

           Her gaze fell on a small dish resting on the low end table

beside her.   In it were piled a quantity of small oval objects of

several different colours.   She blinked as she tried to figure out

what they were.

           "Chakotay?"

           "Hmm?"

           "What are those – `things'?:

           His head came up in confusion.  "What things?  Where?"

           She indicated the dish.   "Those things there.   What are

they?"

           His eyes followed to where she was pointing.   "Oh –

those, they're called `jellybeans', I think Paris said.   He had some

in Sandrine's the other night, and passed them around.   They're

quite good.   Do you want to try one?"

           "What do you do with them?"

           "You eat them.  They're a kind of candy."

           B'Elanna reached out and tentatively picked one up,

examining it in the half light before popping it into her mouth.   At

once, she spat it out, exclaiming in disgust.

           "That's awful!   It's way too sweet!   How can you eat it?"

           "You don't mind sweet things – you like hot chocolate," he

retorted.

           "But that thing – what did you call it?  A jelly bean?! –

that's pure sugar!   Yuck!!"

           Chakotay smiled and moved the dish out of reach in case

she decided to express her revulsion more forcefully.    Suddenly,

she sounded much more like her old self.

           He moved to sit close to her and put his arm around her

shoulders.   "Feeling better now?"

           B'Elanna nodded, then took a deep breath and sat

up.   "I'm sorry I got carried away earlier.  I should never have

said those things.   Let's forget about it, okay?"   She moved to get

up, but his arm held her in place.   She looked up at him, a scowl

starting to twist her features.   "Can I go now?"

           He shook his head.   "Not yet.   I don't want you to bury

this, B'Elanna.   I think it would be better to acknowledge and

discuss what you feel rather than just trying to pretend it never

happened."

           She caught her breath at his words, so similar to what the

captain had said.   He raised an eyebrow and waited, smiling

slightly, but not releasing his grasp.

           She scowled a moment longer, before slumping

slightly.   "I suppose," she replied with a distinct lack of

enthusiasm.   In truth, she believed she had said far too much

already.   Now she was feeling vulnerable and very exposed.

Chakotay bent and gently kissed her forehead.

           "I do love you, B'Elanna, but not in the way perhaps you'd

like.   When you joined the Maquis, I remember thinking you were the

first good thing to happen in my life in far too long.   I had lost

so much, my family, my home, my career – everything that I'd known

was gone.

           "And then, there you were, fighting tooth and nail against

those Cardassians, outnumbered but never giving up.   You reminded me

so much of my youngest sister, Laya.   She would have fought in just

the same way, if she'd had the chance.    How could I not love you,

and want to protect you?

           "You embodied the family that I'd lost, you gave me a

reason to go on, not to give in to despair and hatred, not to kill

just for the sake of killing, like so many others did.   I may have

saved your life, B'Elanna, but you saved my sanity."

           He paused, remembering how close they had been on the

Liberty.   They had lost some of that camaraderie after joining

Voyager's crew.

           She peered up at him when he remained silent, then got up

the nerve to ask a question she had wondered about for a long

time.   "Chakotay?  If Seska hadn't been there, if you hadn't been

involved with her – could things have been different between us?

Could we have had a romantic relationship?"

           He sat, considering the possibilities, debating how to say

what he needed to without hurting her feelings.    Above all, she

deserved complete honesty; she knew him well and would see through

any attempt to dissemble.   He shrugged his shoulders, then hugged

her a little tighter.

           "I don't think so, B'Ela.   I…to be honest, I never felt

like that about you."   He felt her stiffen slightly, and added

quickly.   "For your sake, I wish that things could be different.

You are such a wonderful, unique person, you deserve to be loved for

everything you are.   But I won't lie to you, B'Elanna, I'm not the

man to love you that way."

           Her shoulders slumped under his hands.   "Then who is?"

she whispered despairingly.   "How can I find him when I'm cooped up

on this ship for the rest of my life?"

           "You will, sweetheart, I know it.   There isn't anything

you can't do.  And in the meantime, I will be everything I can for

you."

           B'Elanna turned her face into his shoulder and rested

against him.   Perhaps he was right that this way was better.   She

could relax with him, she never had to pretend to be someone she

wasn't.   He knew her so well – in a lot of ways, it was nice, really

nice, to be able to be completely comfortable with him, comfortable

as with a dear friend, not a lover.  She sighed heavily, then lifted

her head and reached up to kiss his cheek.

           "Thanks," she murmured, then eased out of his grasp and

got to her feet.   She pulled the blanket off her shoulders and

handed it back to him.

           "It's almost time for breakfast," he told her.   "Join me

in the mess hall in a few minutes?"

           "Sure, as soon as I've had a shower and dressed."

           He stood as well, and escorted her to the door.   She

turned to face him as it opened, then on impulse hugged him hard

before trotting out the door.

           "Don't dawdle," came her voice from down the hall.  "Some

of us have to work around here, you know.   We don't have time to

linger over breakfast."

           He smiled and let the door close.    Maybe tonight, he

would be able to ponder his own dream some more.   But right now, as

B'Elanna said, they had work to do.    On that thought, he headed for

the shower to begin his day.