Picking Up The Pieces

I used to be so sure of myself. I always knew exactly what i was doing, and that I was doing it right. I had everything firgured out....planned out so perfectly...or so it seemed at the time. I always say to be prepared for the worst...I guess I should have taken my own advise. but I didn't, I wasn't prepared...but how to you prepare to loose the love of your life and have everything crumble to the ground right before your very eyes?

You can't. And i didn't.

It seems I have been picking up the pieces for so long now, that it feels as if I will do that for the rest of my life. There will always be that little voice in me saying it can happen again. but Istill have to try. Even if it's all I ever do, I still have to try.

Now, I don't even know what I want out of life. I don't know anymore what I want to be, or do. I sometimes wonder if I even know who I really am. But then again, who does? as I always said, "Things have a little way of turning themselves out.....everything will be ok". But will it? Will I? I've survived alot of things that most people have not....I'm tougher then people think....but I am also weaker in ways. I can't be strong all the time. I'm only human just like everyone else...I need a break too! So when do I get it?

Right when I think everything is ok...theres another disaster waiting for me around the corner, lurking in the shadows, waiting to come out and attack. When will it end? When will everything be ok? And when will the past stop haunting me?

I know I will make it...I know I'll be ok....but will I ever be allowed to expirience true happiness again? That's not alot to ask. even for just a moment...the reminder of it will give me hope that'll last me a lifetime, and give me a goal, to know that happiness is not completly out of reach.