Desparete Cry 3-3-00
What the hell is wrong with me?? I say over and over again,
"I do not want a relationship", "I just want to be
able to go out with different people", "Just go out and
have a good time". And what do I do? I become interested in
someone and want to be with them everyday. And I feel like I
should bne the only girl he will look at. And fell like I would
be cheating on him if I looked at other guys. Even though that
was the original plan. Whats messed up about it....is that I
don't even have the urge to look at other guys. Right now, my
eyes are for him, and him only.
I'm starting over again. This is how it was three years ago. I
got interested, I got hooked, I got hurt. So hurt. Though i
rarely admit it, and only to the selective few, it still hurts.
Bad! I am so scared. I'm not ready, but I am so lonely. I don't
ever want to get hurt again, but to achive that, I would have to
completly close off thiose emotions. And by doing that, if I fell
no pain, I feel no love, I would feel nothing. I don't know which
scares me more.
I want, so much, just to be with him. But how can I give away a
broken heart? What good is a heart to someone if it is completly
shattered? And can it still love?
It's not love that I'm really looking for. or is it? I just want
to be with someone that I care about, and that someone is him.
But I don't want to "be" with anyone. or do I? I am so
confused! I have no idea what I am doing! I keep asking my self
if I am running headlong into something I can't handle, and I
think that answer is yes.
And what makes this even harder, is the frustration of knowing
that I have always been the one who knew exactly what I wanted,
and nothing (well, almost nothing) could keep me from reaching my
goal. But at least I always knew what I was doing. Right now, I
have no clue!
So now, I sit here alone, writing this pointless little story
about my shitty life, in tears, wishing that I had a couple shots
of Vodka sitting next to me, when all I really want is to wake up
from this nightmare and go back to my old happy life, with my
friends, and my family under one roof, sitting in my leaky room
at the top of the circular staircase, listening to "In Da
Gadda Da Vida" by Iron Buttterfly, and sneaking a cigarette
with my bestfriend, thinking we were so cool.
What happened to me??????
