Holiday Candle Ritual
This ritual is designed to remember a loved one at holiday times, or at any time of the year. It may be personalized or changed to suit your family. To begin, place 5 candles in a circle (perhaps around a wreath, or a birthday cake,etc) and as you light each candle read aloud these statements:
As we light these five candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, and one for our love, and one for our hope.
1. This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our feelings for you.
2. This candle represents our courage to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, to change our lives.
3. This candle represents our memories. The times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the funny things you did, and the caring and joy you gave us.
4. This candle represents our love. Each day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us.
5. This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us that the love and memories of you are ours forever. May the glow of this flame be our source of hope now and forever.
These are things that I have hated to hear !
How many children do you have?..
How do you go on?..
At least you have other children..
You are young, you can have more..
He must have been ill..
It was just a baby..
Well at least you don't have to go thru the teenage years..
When are you going to get over this...
Send me any comment or phrase or just something that you want to add here about this page, anything at all ! Thanks
Donít Tell Me
Please donít tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please donít tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please donít tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Donít tell me someday Iíll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Donít tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Donít tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I canít stop,
Donít tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Donít tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
Iíll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please donít hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
Judi, my dear, sweet friend....these words coming flowing from you heart and your pen, like magic from a wand...the words are so true and I can't thank you enough for letting me post this, from a mother to a mother whose heart is broken....we all thank you....
Chances are that most (if not all) of you will be affected by
suicide at some point in your life. It may be a casual
acquaintance, a close friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend or a
family member who takes their life. Many people don't quite
know what to do with 'survivor'...those left behind after a suicide.
It seems to be an extremely difficutl thing for others to understand
unless they have gone through it themselves.
I became a 'survivor' two years ago after my brother took his
own life. Since then I have done a lot of reading on the subject
and talked with others about helpful (and not so helpful) things
which friends can do to aid in the grieving process. I would like
to share some of these things with you Perhaps reading this
will help sensitize you to the unique grief experience of
'survivors of suicide', and enable you to be even more
supportive to someone you know.
* Please don't wait for me to call you. It is hard to reach
out to others when I feel so vulnerable. If you want to
'be there' for me then take the initiative to call to visit me.
* Losing a young person to suicide is not the same as losing
an elderly relative to old age. Making this comparison
shows that you're trying to understand and I apprechiate that,
yet it is a different situation.
* Please don't say you know how I feel--let me tell you. Let
me talk about the one who has died. I may need to re-tell
the story many times.
* Please realize that I may be more sensitive than usual,
especially regarding the subject of death. (Not a good
time for suicide jokes). It is unrealistic to expect that I will
be 'better' in a few weeks or months. It may take years
to deal with all of the feelings, questions, memories, etc.
It helps to ask me how I'm doing six months after the death
(or one, two or three more years later).
* Please don't assume that something was 'wrong' with the
person who took their life (i.e. drugs, alcohol, bad family life, etc.).
People from all different backgrounds choose suicide for many
reasons. By judging my brother it feels like you're also judging
me. Just because we think he made the wrong decision, doesn't
mean he's going to hell.
* Please don't tell me that it was God's will for my brother to die.
God isn't that mean.
* Share memories of the one who has died. That means a lot!
* When you ask me why I didn't see the 'signs' of suicide,
you make my guilt even greater. Instead remind me that
ultimately it was my brother's choice to end his life--it is
not mine or anyone else's fault.
* Often people are afraid to talk about the suicide for fear
of upsetting me. Don't worry, I think about my brother
often and it helps to talk about it. Even if I do cry, that's okay.
Tears are healing and healthy. I can handle them if you can.
* Realize that holidays and birthdays and the anniversary
of his death are difficult. It helps when you let me know you are
thinking of my family and me at these times.
* Please understand that the anger, depression, frustration,
questions and thoughts I am dealing with are normal
reaction to the loss I have experienced.
* It helps when you mention my brother's name. It makes him
seem closer and reminds me that others think of him
and miss him also.
* It helps when you let me know you care about me with a phone
call, a letter, or a hug.
LOSING SOMEONE YOU LOVE OFTEN MAKES YOU FEEL VERY ALONE!
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