Sam stared into the empty blue pools that use to shine with some inner light. His heart was broken into a million pieces, scattered to the four winds. He thought, no he KNEW, that he would never ever be the same again.
He'd lost the one important thing in his life; he'd lost his angel, his soul's sweet apple. Without her, he knew that his soul would simple wither and die. She was his life's blood, his sweet addiction. He was lost, completely and utterly without her.
Which was why he was here, leaving the mansion, the team, everything. This was why he was here in Arizona, staring into a dingy mirror, in an even worse motel.
He couldn't take it. He had to get away from the people she knew, the places he saw her. She was always there, blue eyes glowing with some type of mischief. Always watching him, mocking him, appearing so close, but still, she was so far.
Sam's eyes fell on the bottle of Jack Daniel's sitting on the decrepit nightstand. Picking it up, he took a long swallow, allowing the vile tasting liquid to burn its way down his throat. His eyes fell on the only other thing occupying the little table.
Tabitha Smith's smile shone out at him, as she posed dramatically in the picture. He started to laugh trying to stop another round of tears. He remembered the day that he had taken that picture of her.
Tabitha ran across the sand dune, kicking up dust as she did. Sam let lose with a bark of laughter and gave chase, camera in hand.
"Awe, come on Tabs! Ah don't have any pictures of you!" Sam pleaded in a yell, as she darted away from him.
"No WAY Guthrie! I'm, like, having a bad hair day! And these are OLD clothes! I'm not letting you take a picture of me like this!" Tabitha yelled back, darting behind one of the bunkers. Sam just grinned and raced after her.
She was faster, but he could run at a constant pace for longer then she. All he had to do was run her out, he decided chuckling just a little bit.
Of course, this was easier said then done. Tabitha was bound and determined not to let any picture of her be took while she looked 'nasty' as she put it. Personally, Sam thought she looked more beautiful then he had ever seen her before. Of course, she wasn't LISTENING to his opinion, but that's what he thought.
He finally outwitted her, catching her behind one of the buildings. She squealed in delight and annoyance as he swept her off her feet, and carried her around the building, his camera securely around his neck. She kicked her feet, trying to get him to lay her down…which he finally did, kissing her soundly before he did so.
"Please, Tabby? Can't Ah have just one picture?" Sam begged, sticking out his lower lip in the pout he knew she couldn't resist. He saw her waver just a bit, but then her eyes were steel again.
"No! I look nasty!"
"You look beautiful!" Sam tried again, bending forward to graze her neck with his mouth slightly. Tabitha sighed in delicious delight, and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"No." She breathed in his ear, twisting so that she was under him. Sam rose up on one elbow, and kissed her mouth softly.
"Please?" He trailed the kisses down her throat, sucking a bit of the flesh in and sucking on it gently, knowing that it would leave a hickey. Tabitha hugged him tightly, and sighed.
"Oh, alright. But I'm only doing this under pressure." Sam beamed down at her, jumping to his feet. He unwrapped the camera from his neck, and checked to make sure it was loaded.
"Ready?" He asked, as Tabitha scrambled to her feet, and posed.
"Ready!"
He grinned, and snapped away, making sure to remind himself to get doubles of this roll of film.
Sam brushed the tears away, and took another long pull of the bottle, trying desperately to drink away the pain he felt.
She had left him in the dead of night, sneaking out like thief. And a thief she was; she had taken his heart with her when she'd gone. He still remembered that day, every detail emblazoned into his mind.
Sam opened his eyes, the harsh sunlight causing him to blink rapidly. He twisted around, hiding his face in the pillow. The sheet brushing against his bare leg reminded him of last night's events and he smiled into his pillow. He reached out a hand for Tabitha's arm.
He just kept reaching.
Sam sat up, and looked down, on Tabitha's side of the bed. It was empty.
He swallowed hard, and looked around, trying to figure out where she went. She never left without waking him up first.
Her clothes were gone from the floor. Sam rose from bed, and quickly got dressed, jogging out of the room. Maybe she was in the kitchen
When he reached the kitchen, it was deserted. Sighing in annoyance, Sam went to go check for her in her bedroom. He bounded up the steps, hoping that she was there.
He knocked on her door, and when there was no answer, pushed it open. She wasn't inside. Neither was anything else. All her clothes, pictures, everything, was gone.
"What the…?" Sam asked out loud, the implications of the empty room not sinking in. He pushed the door open, and looked around, hoping by some miracle that she would appear.
Of course, she never did.
That's when it clicked inside his mind. She was gone…she had left him. He swallowed hard, shaking his head.
"This can't be…no. She didn't-no!" Was all he could say, tears pricking at his eyes. "Tabitha? TABITHA, this isn't funny! Tabitha!
That had been nearly two years ago, he reflected. He had gone steadily down hill since them, drinking to escape the pain. But the constant reminders of the Mansion grated on him, until he finally had to leave, or go insane.
So he had come to the only place that reminded him MORE of Tabitha? Not one of his brighter moves. Camp Verde was only a twenty-minute drive away, but, even though he had been here three weeks, he still couldn't bring himself to go out there.
He swallowed hard, looking up into the dingy mirror again. "Ah'm gonna go to day. Ah am. After Ah finish this bottle."
Of course, by the time the bottle was empty, he was lying passed out on the ground, once more blissfully unaware.
He woke up with a blinding headache. He pushed himself up, and stumbled to the bathroom, throwing up everything he had eaten yesterday…which hadn't been very much at all.
Sam slumped against the wall, allowing tears to flow down his eyes. He remembered a time that he had also been sick, but he had had Tabitha there to care for him.
"Sam? Are you all right in there?" Tabitha asked, knocking on the closed bathroom door. A moan was all Sam could reply in response. She pushed the door open, and he looked up at her, his expression pitiful.
"Ah feel terrible." He told her softly, and then had to hang over the bowl again, as he heaved. His arms were wrapped tightly around the porcelain bowl, and he coughed.
"Well, that happens when you get as smashed as you did last night." Tabitha told him, grinning just a bit.
"What did Ah do?" Sam asked, looking at her with hooded eyes. Tabitha grimaced.
"Sure you wanna know?" She asked, kneeling behind him, and brushing his longish hair back from his face.
"Yes." Sam whimpered, hanging over the bowel yet again.
"Um…do you remember dancing on the table?" Tabitha asked, biting the inside of her lip.
"Ah danced on the table?! Oh God…" Sam moaned, his pale cheeks burning red. Tabitha bent and kiss the back of his neck before continuing
"That's not the worse part. While you were dancing on the table you, were…sorta…singing." Tabitha smothered a giggle at the memory.
"Singing!?" Sam cried, horrified
"Yep. Singing. And before you ask, you were singing 'Hey Baby'." Tabitha told him, kissing his back.
"Oh God…" Sam moaned again.
"That's not the worse part either, Sam." Tabitha said, lying her cheek on his back.
"How much worse could it get?" Sam demanded, hanging over the toilet again.
"While you were singing and dancing on the table you were sort of…not wearing your clothes." Tabitha told him, trying not to laugh.
"What?!" Sam screamed and immediately regretted it.
"Don't worry, you had you underwear on…your head." Tabitha told him, laughing out loud. Sam moaned, again, and threw up.
Sam chuckled slightly, allowing the memory of Tabitha's laughter to filter through his mind like the sweetest music. How he missed her laughter…
Sam stood up, and ran his fingers through his filthy blond hair. He looked into the mirror, and winced at the sight.
"Ah need a shower and a shave…" Sam told himself, stripping out of his clothes. There was no telling how long he had been passed out on the floor. When he went on binges like that, he rarely could keep track of the days.
After he had showered, he lifted the razor, and stared into the mirror. Another memory assaulted him, and he laid the razor back down.
"Ow!" Sam growled, as he nicked himself with the razor once again. A drop of blood welled up, and he grabbed a tissue to wipe it away.
"Sam?" Tabitha poked her head into the door, her short blonde hair flopping over her eyes. "What are you in here doing?"
"Cutting mahself." Sam said, glaring at the mirror.
Tabitha looked at his face and rolled her eyes. "You look like you tried to shave with a piece of glass."
"Ah FEEL like Ah tried to shave with a piece of glass." Sam groused, slamming the razor down. Tabitha walked over, and wrapped her arms around him. Sam leaned against her, letting his head fall on top of hers.
"Want me to try?" Tabitha asked, pulling away. Sam waved at the razor.
"Couldn't cut me any worse!"
"Thank you for that vote of confidence." Tabitha sighed, rolling her eyes. "Now, bend your head down here…no better yet, sit on the toilet seat. You're to tall for me to be playing beauty parlor with."
Sam sat down on the assigned place, and looked at her expectantly. She twisted her lips, and then slowly placed the razor on his shaving cream covered skin. Slowly, she pulled the black-handled razor down with an easy practiced stroke, and shook it out in the sink. She grinned at him and he smiled back, reaching to loosely wrap his hands around her hips.
Tabitha carefully shaved his entire face, not cutting him once. When she was done, she patted it dry, and ran her had over his cheek.
"There…nice and smooth. This way I won't get rub burns every time I kiss you!" Tabitha giggled, bending her head to kiss his mouth gently.
"Ah guess that is a good thing, huh?" Sam asked, after they had broken.
"Oh yeah…means I can kiss you more…"
Sam shook himself out of his dream, and finished shaving. Lying the razor back down, Sam wondered into the bedroom part of his little motel room, and drug out some relatively clean clothes. He looked down at his watch (which he had found strapped to the bedpost) and gasped when he noticed the date. September 17.
"It's our anniversary…" Sam whispered, sitting down on his bed. He grinned, remembering their first year anniversary.
Sam held his hands out in front of him, trying desperately not to bump into anything.
"Are you sure I can't take this blindfold off yet?" Sam asked, reaching up to tug on the silk scarf wrapped around his eyes.
"No. I'm not ready yet." Tabitha said gleefully. Sam chuckled and kept the blindfold on. He heard Tabitha rustle around a little bit more, and then a sweet perfume hit his nose.
He inhaled sharply, trying to place the scent. Although he tried desperately, he couldn't put his finger on it.
Suddenly, the blind fold was pulled away. The room, HIS room, was lit with candles, and an exquisite meal was laid out before him. Several bouquets of flowers decorated the room, which was the source of all the strange smells. Sam turned his head, and caught sight of Tabitha.
She was dressed in a long lavender dress, her hair held back by small clips, with several white flowers in her hair. Her face was perfectly made up, and her lips were curved into a bright smile. Her eyes glowed like jewels.
Sam swallowed hard, his eyes suddenly dancing to his bed. Perhaps they would be using that tonight?
"You look beautiful Tabitha." He said, yanking his mind away from that thought. Her smile seemed to glow brighter, her eyes widening.
"Do you really think so?" She asked, blushing.
Sam didn't say anything; he just bent his head down and kissed her gently. "You look more beautiful then Ah've ever seen you. Ah love you."
Sam jumped, suddenly realizing what he said. Tabitha stared at him with big blue eyes her mouth forming a perfect O. He swallowed hard, then made himself look into her eyes. And that's when he knew what he said was true.
"Ah love you." He whispered again, brushing a stray hair back from her face.
"I love you too." Tabitha whispered, her eyes glowing with joy.
He pulled her into his arms, kissing her so tenderly. They completely forgot about the dinner, preferring instead to stay in each other's arms.
Sam brushed the tears dripping down his face, closing his eyes. "Oh Tabitha…"
He swallowed hard, and began to make his way out of the motel for the first time in several days. The bright sunlight hurt his eyes, and he squeezed them shut, trying to block out the harsh streaks.
After his eyes had adjusted, he blinked rapidly, and moved toward his car. He pulled the door of the beat up old truck open, and slid behind the wheel. He started the engine, and with a dull roar pulled out of the parking lot.
As Sam drove along, tears began to form in his eyes, as one particular car trip with Tabitha came to his mind.
Sam sneaked a look over at Tabitha as she dozed in the seat next to him. Her hand rested lightly on his knee, and she had a soft smile on her face.
He reached down to pat her hand, and then reached to flick the radio on. He turned it down low so that Tabitha wouldn't be disturbed. A baby cried on some commercial, and Tabitha stirred.
"Sam, honey, it's your turn to get up with the baby…" She murmured in her sleep, shifting around to get comfortable.
Sam froze, and stared at her. What the heck was she dreaming? He laid his hand on her arm and gently shook her shoulder trying to her to wake up.
"No, I'm NOT taking care of her Sam, it's your turn." Tabitha said, still asleep. Sam shook her harder, trying to wake her.
"Tabitha!" He hissed, shaken. He pulled the car off to the side of the road, and shook her harder.
Her eyes flew open, and she looked around with the dazed expression of someone that had just woken up.
"Sam?" She asked, her eyes focusing on him. "What is it?"
"What were you dreamin' girl?" Sam asked, looking at her in shock. Tabitha looked at him in confusion, then remembered.
"Umm...nothin'." She lied horribly.
"Ah bet. You kept tellin' me that it was mah turn to take care of the baby." Sam told her, flabbergasted.
"Oh, that dream. Well, I just…was…ya know, dreaming. About you and me…having a family and stuff." Her face was bright red.
Sam looked over to her, shocked in a different sort of way. "You…think about stuff like that?"
"Like what? Us getting' married and havin' a family?" Tabitha asked, not looking at him. "Yeah…sometimes. Do you?"
Sam grinned, and reached to tilt her chin up. "Yeah Ah do."
Tabitha smiled back. "Do you think of names, and faces, and stuff like that?"
Sam nodded again, his eyes sparkling. "Yeah…a little girl that looks like you."
"And has your eyes?" Tabitha broke in.
"Yeah…"Sam said, reaching to take her small hand in his own.
"Me too." Tabitha agreed.
Sam reached up a hand to brush the tears away, trying not to think about it anymore. A sign on the side of the road screamed at him that he would be reaching Camp Verde in five miles.
The blonde man sighed, and squeezed the steering wheel tightly, gearing himself up for what was to come. He pulled the old truck into the long winding road that led to the place where Camp Verde use to stand.
Too soon, he was cresting the hill right before the reservation. He drove down the hill, and stopped at the bottom, turning off the car. He removed the keys, and slid them into his pocket. But, Sam couldn't bring himself to get out of the car yet.
Once more, a memory danced through his mind.
Tabitha lay with her head on his chest, watching the stars from the back of his pick-up truck. Sam was more interested in watching her.
"I love you Cannonball." She teased, looking up at him with big blue eyes.
"I love you too, Boomer." He too could tease.
She looked up at him with big blue eyes, and reached up to kiss him. Sam kissed back, loving the sensation of joining his mouth to hers. They broke the kiss, and Tabitha sat up, stretching her legs out in front of her.
"This is a beautiful view, huh?" Tabitha asked, looking back up at the stars.
Sam looked at her, his eyes glowing. "Yes, it is."
"Why thank you Mr. Guthrie." Tabitha said, bending down to kiss him once more. And several more times after that.
Sam laid his head in her lap, and she slowly twisted his hair around her fingers. He looked up at her, feeling happier then he had in a long time.
"I love you, Tabitha." He said in all seriousness.
"I love you too, Sam." She whispered back, her lips caressing his face. Sam shut his eyes, and moaned softly in his throat as she kissed his face. He opened his eyes and she smiled down at him with bright eyes.
"What would Ah do without you, girl?" Sam asked, only half- joking.
"Wither and die?" Tabitha teased, kissing his nose once again.
"Probably." Sam agreed, grinning up at her. "So you gotta promise not to leave me, girl."
"I promise Sam."
"But you didn't keep your promise, did you girl?" Sam asked out loud, still seated in the car. He wiped his tears away, and opened the door of the truck. He climbed out, and with determined strides made his way to 'their' spot.
The dune at the back of the camp, where they had gone to talk, watch the sunset, or make out. No one else went there but them, and they only went there together. He laughed to himself humorlessly. This would be the first time he would go there alone.
He stopped at the foot of the hill and stared in dumfounded silence. A silhouette was on the hill, a seated woman with her arms around her knees.
Very slowly, he made his way up the side of the dune, trying to force away the hope that it might be…
The sunlight glint off her auburn hair.
Sam shook his head at his own stupidity, and turned to go. A sudden giggle made him stop. He turned toward the source of the laugh, and found himself looking down at a small child, perhaps eighteen -months -old, wearing bib overalls. Her bright blue eyes shone at him, and she held a lollipop in one hand. Her hair was the bright auburn of the woman sitting on the dune, so he assumed that the little girl was her daughter or sister.
"Hiya, sweetie." He said, softly, waggling his fingers at the child. She laughed again, and smiled hugely. "How are you?"
"Gah, oo ya ow?." Was her very serious response. Sam felt a laugh bubbling up in his chest, but beat it off.
"Sami?" A heart-stopping familiar voice asked. Sam looked up, and found himself staring at the woman from the dune. But now he could see her face, and it was all he could not to go tumbling down the hill.
"Mama!" The little girl, Sami, cried, running to hug the woman's knees.
"Who are you-Sam?" The mother asked, staring at him with huge blue eyes.
He thought his heart was going to explode out of his chest. He felt tears welling up in his eyes, threatening to spill over.
"Hello…Sam." Tabitha Smith whispered, running her fingers through her daughter's auburn hair.