I’m sure you’ve heard my rant about this in chat but I’m going to do it again because it really bothers me. Kids go to school and they want to fit in. Most of them fall neatly into one category or another. Such as the Jock, the Prep, the Goth, the Nerd, the Skank.. you get the idea. Sometimes, kids are happy to be stereotyped. If they are lucky enough to be put into a “good” category then they might be popular. Hey, whatever floats your boat.
When I was in elementary and junior high school, I really wanted to be popular. I wanted the attention, the good grades, the expensive clothes, the latest gossip.. all that. I can remember coming home in tears because some popular girl (who later got pregnant and dropped out of ninth grade) wouldn’t give me the time of day. I remember this girl so well.. she was my best friend outside of school, but get her around her popular friends and she was a totally different person. Needless to say, I only had about 3 REALLY good friends during my school years.
When I started high school, things weren’t much different. When my junior year rolled around, I realized something. I only had two really good friends and even though they were my best friends, I still had only a few things in common with them. They were both as preppy as you can get. But I hung out with them and played the preppy role for a while. I no longer had the urge to be popular or have more then a couple good friends. I learned that having one or two really close friends was much better than having twenty friends who hardly knew me.
I still didn’t know who I was though. I knew that people in general drove me nuts. I hated going out and pretending to like everyone. I hated acting social and trying to be interesting and cute. Whenever my friends dragged me out to some party, I’d just sit there the whole time and wish I was still at home. My friends did NOT understand this at all. They didn’t understand because I’d say how much my parents annoy me, but then I wouldn’t want to leave the house. Only once in a while did I ever get the urge to go out.
I realize now, that I’m afraid to let other people get to know me. I’m afraid that I’ll get close to someone and then they’ll leave or die or something. I’m afraid to let people see my emotions for fear that they will use them against me. Also, I just simply can’t stand people. Most of them only care about next weekend’s party. Most people are just really shallow. I’m very anti-social and I like it that way.
But I am faced with another problem. My two best friends are constantly trying to categorize me. I’m definitely not a Jock or a Skank, they say. Go me. I’m a Prep at times, but then again, I’m so anti-social that I MUST be a Goth! Oh and I like to wear black sometimes. That just screams Goth, doesn’t it? (What IS a Goth anyways?) They tell me that I’m part nerd too. Why? Because I love computers and anything having to do with computers. I also like to learn.. and.. heaven forbid, I like to read! Major nerd potential. This goes on and on.. my friends continuously trying to categorize me and make me fit in somewhere.
One of these days, maybe I will convince them that I can’t be categorized and they should just learn to live with me the way I am. Because I’m not changing anytime soon.
-Patti
