This is just a short list of irritations, which will occasionally be added to. Think of it
as an asshole's wish list.
-people who upon introduction not merely shake your hand but grab your whole arm and pull you towards them. Maybe they're trying to show what a magnetic personality they have, ha ha. They don't.
-people who try to crush your hand in a handshake, too. I don't care if you've
got a grip like Tiger Woods on a triple-latte buzz, you're still a nancy-boy for trying.
-people who laugh at their own jokes.
-professional back-up singers.
-people who think cheerleading is a sport.
-catching herpes at a kissing booth.
-anyone who's interviewing me for a job. I hate the thought of trying to sell myself, especially if the job's somewhat menial. Stop looking at me like I got a knife behind my back, okay? Play good cop/bad cop elsewhere. You can't be -that- McDiscriminating.
-anyone who still uses the phrases: 'no prob, Bob!'; 'generation X'; 'Book 'em, Dano!'; 'cut the cheese'; 'spokesperson of a generation'; 'anything less would be uncivilized'; 'do not pass go, do not collect $200'; 'let's do lunch'; or saying anyone is 'built like a brick shithouse'.
-celebrities who do "cameos" (walk-ons). They wanna be on TV, let 'em get
their own damn show. God knows it's easy enough now.
-ANYONE (and that means a LOT of you) who is trying to cash in on Y2K, coffee, Princess Di, "friendly alien" paraphenalia, Pokemon, and anything that says "millenium" on it.
-devotees of trendy "alternative" religions. You take a concept you don't believe in (god) and remodel it in a pastiche of bad art and your inane whims. If it puts a smile on your face, fine; but it's obvious you don't take it seriously, so don't get offended when I don't.
-pop artists--bland people making bland music for a bland audience. It doesn't even deserve ranting about.
-"The Top Ten" of anything.
-the hype on Ricky Martin. Ladies, he's gay. That means he'd rather stick his face in a homeless guy's ass than ever even touch you. But you'll notice it didn't stop him from marketing his yawning brand of repackaged fad to a few hundred squads of bang-sporting adoring mallrats.
-drive-thrus that aren't restaurants, i.e., drive-thru pharmacies, wedding chapels, hardware stores, barbers, accountants, etc.
-the Yo-Boy: you know the type--about fifteen years old or so, half a mustache desperately ekeing its way onto his acne-studded face, big poofy Starter jacket with whatever team won the last championship, marijuana-logo baseball cap on backwards, fake gold jewelry, says he likes "all kinds of music" meaning rap, thinks he can play basketball, likes to talk about cars having never driven one, likes to start fights when his friends are around--all Tommy-gear and attitude. These Beta-males are the reason women grow up derisive and suspicious of men, and who can blame them.
-the "Millineum Edition" of anything. You didn't make a millineum, it's not a holiday, it's never actually relevant to a millineum, especially because IT'S NOT THE FUCKING NEW MILLINEUM YET!!!!!!!!!!!! Now go to hell.
-watching white people dance.
-people who participate in the PC/iMac debate.
-people who participate in the Ford/Chevy debate. Christ, guys, you could at least try to stay current.
-big pants on small people.
-small pants on big people.
-that small coterie of about six Christians who stand poised at any new opening of anything, picket signs
at the ready. Go home, kids. We're all going to hell and no one cares.
-the Napster debate. Proof that people will bitch about anything.
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