May 30

It’s so late, my head aches to look at the page below me. But up I stay.. my nerves, my veins, the tiniest cells in my body are alive, singing wet songs to the moon outside. it’s full..I’m full too, finally full full full up to the top, I’m ebbing like a high tide and I can’t come down, it’s too far to jump and i’m happy in the dark clouds this time.

I read what I just wrote and i’m blushing scarlet in my dim room. I’m going to sleep in full moonlight tonight, leave my window open to cool my face..to cool me..I fear i’m glowing in the silence. I would almost pray that she will not hear my small noises of joy, but I suddenly feel no need to ask for anything. After what I have been given, how can I? Let her hear, let the whole world hear, how could they have not heard yet? Can they not smell the roses, the smell that soaked my clothes beneath me, dripped to the dusty attic boards, as I lay there..but I’m blushing again. I lean to the blanket, whisper secrets to the sheets, and they turn warm despite the chill of the room. I closed my eyes, and i swear I heard him still..will he lie awake all night, too, thinking about those hours? The clock downstairs strikes half past one..today - yesterday was a century, I passed through day after day after year in those sweet hours upstairs..I wonder if I could tell you, even you, without crying aloud, without closing this book for turning red at my own rememories.
I have to tell you, though, because i know there won’t be anyone else I can tell. i’d be sent, no, thrown from this house, banished to somewhere where she couldn’t see the new sway of my body, the look in my eyes, the knowledge written in my face like stars, bright and far away. I move against the mattress, burning and feeling as though I stand before that door still, as though I still am lying naked down on those bare boards..

I told you what happened yesterday (yesterday it was only yesterday oh God how can i stand it how can i keep quiet!). His silence broke my heart and he must have heard the rustle of pen to paper as I gave you my thoughts outside his door, for he called to me in that way he has, the little licking voice in my head, and I went, stood, unwilling to kneel before his door. I heard nothing after, not a word, just the echo of my name drifting out of reach. I waited, angry now, ready to turn and leave. My heart was sick and the drafts, so far from the heat downstairs, made me shiver. Then, suddenly, the very wood of the door began to - I have to say ripple, like water touching wind, and I saw the shape of a man’s body form in the grain. Frightened, I whispered his name, questioning, and he answered me lovingly, voice so low and full of gravel and promises that I could not turn away. I stepped towards that ripple of shape and it vanished. i stifled the cry in my throat and touched the door. It was the same as ever, dusty dark wood, polished with tears as I leaned on it and wept.

I don’t know how long I stood there, shoulders shaking, tears dripping off my face, running down the door, into the lock..the lock..
I had closed my eyes, so tired I was nearly sleeping on the door when he whisperered again, "come in." I moved back, startled, and saw the soft light spilling from the lock, as if the room were at the center of some great secret heart pounding inches away from my fingertips.
I can still feel the rust under my hand when i gripped the handle, the heat from the light on my wrist. The lock was, as ever, unyielding,but this time, I wasn’t. I slid to the floor and looked through the keyhole. At first, I was very nearly blind; the light was strong and stinging..faintly at first, then easier..I saw - I saw....him.
The room was draped in scarlet silk , carpeted a deep crimson and a fire Was there ever a fireplace in an attic? but my mind did not try to explain what was burning in my eyes this time - flickered across the room, its bright glow warming my face. On the carpet in front of the fire lay a man.
I have to stop for a moment; I can feel that dizzysweet feeling surging back up..that part of me..I can’t even write the words. I will see that moment for an eternity; nothing can erase it, no one can undo it. He was naked. Brilliant light trickled over his body, slipping sideways, almost sparking off his shining skin. He should have been so hot, lying that close to the flames, but there was not a drop of sweat on him. He was looking away, almost as if he felt me looking at him. The way he looked! I close my eyes and he lies there still... I had never laid eyes on a man that way. I knew all the secrets of womanflesh; the swell and curve, the plane of belly, the turn of a hip... but not this. His body was a new world -- it slammed into my stunned eyes like a scalding wind and I could not look away. He was so perfect, even to me, who had nothing by which to compare him. The light touched him and I wanted to be that light. I wanted to put hands on his face, on the smooth planes and slopes that made him more than skin and hair and sinew; I wanted to stop shaking and go to him. I wanted to lie on that carpet, I wanted to be loved.
After a long time, he looked me in the eyes and his eyes were so dark..the light didn’t reach them and I fell forward, in, away. Everything around me was steeped in their darkness and I closed my eyes in fear. I heard his voice, gritting like a footstep and I felt a warm hand on my leg, moving slowly up, writing his name between my thighs, invisible fingers moving worn cloth aside..I felt something in me clench in anticipation and the cold air on that part of me shook me back to the present.
I opened my mouth ..my small cry brought him to his feet and he moved to the door, unashamed of the way his body flexed, swung, lifted..he crouched at the keyhole and being that close to him, I swear my breath froze in my throat. He smiled at me, the movement of his lips slow and smooth. I felt my whole body tighten, the front of my dress almost painfully tight and a sweet heat under my clothes that I was sure could be seen through the thin material. His eyes tasted me head to foot, though how much of me he could actually see through the tiny keyhole I could not say. I heard his voice in my head, his lips unmoving, and I knew what I had to do. For the second time, i let my dress fall to the floor around my feet and I lay down, shivering, on the cool boards outside his door. My underclothes, worn almost away from washing, joined the dress and then I was as bare as he, waiting, thinking my lungs would close from cold before anything could happen. The wet heat I had felt only moments before was gone; I was not ready for this, I couldn’t be, but I could not make myself rise and dress and leave. Not again.

I closed my eyes, again at his command, keeping my legs firmly together. I was very much afraid; my body was alternately icy and sweating; my discarded clothing stuck to my thighs and back, and I remembered all the horrible things I had heard about losing that..that part. Every woman has to give something sometime, i heard my grandmother say in the black of my thoughts, and i thought, it must be time, he heard me say yes and it must be time. Dimly, I heard the lock on the door click, and then I opened my eyes to a rush of heat. I sat up, noticing as i did so that I was no longer on dirty wooden planks but the thick red carpets of the room i had seen through the keyhole. My brain suddenly screamed into life again: I was in the attic!!! Somehow, I had done it; I had opened his door and now we could be together. Suddenly, the thought paralyzed me and when he stepped in front of me, I could not look at him. He knelt in front of me and I looked away.

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