James, the first
You leave me holding on
to nothing at all
beyond some bridges and dark roads and nights
blue lit beyond the fringe of your dark eyes
you left me with no reason
you wrote letters to people who could not …
should not know what we shared
and maybe it was not so much, no affair, no flames
maybe in the whole grand scheme it’s ash
but it means so much to me now
and I miss you and they don’t know how.
And now I’ve met this person
and he reminds me so much of you
and his eyes look at me almost that way
and his hands remind me of you that they are brown and worn
touching me with something beyond what I deserve
and when I heard his name I saw you.
Well, I pray you’ll whisper
what this means
because I cannot shake the feeling that you
are in him somehow
that you left and yet some part remains
that you found both perfect solace beyond and perfect vessel behind
that you look out of his eyes sometimes
and that it is not coincidence that he has your name, your smile,
your sweet somehow sad way of loving me
but only I have our time together
and I know I saw your faith, wherever you chose to bind it later
and I know I put too much between us and then not enough
that you gave me more than I asked for and I gave nothing back
and I miss you so much
and I wanted so much to look into that audience and see you.
And dammit I want some other answer than the ones I’m getting.
I know that you are more than what I want for you
but I need to know that you are okay and that you got where you deserved to be
it’s not my place to judge you, but I did and I still do
I hope He has judged you with all the love I have and more
I hope you will forgive my doubts and remember me
because I will cease to be before I lose sight of you.
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