Dearest Phil:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
December 15, 1994
Dearest Phil:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 16, 1994
Dearest Phil:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
December 17, 1994
Dear Phil,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18, 1994
Dearest Phil:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves
All my love,
Agnes
December 19, 1994
Dear Phil:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again. Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20, 1994
Phil:
What's with you and those stupid birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird yuck all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.
So stop with those stupid birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21, 1994
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What in the world am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their stupid cows. There is crud all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off.
Agnes
December 22,1994
Hey Buddy!
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And boy do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
December 23, 1994
You Rotten Person,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of crud. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it,
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1994
Listin! You Idiot!!,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, viscious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1994
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All corrspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find the attached warrant for your arrest.
Cordiall,
Badger, Bender and Cajole
