"Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?"
George Wallace
"It is fun being in the same decade with you."
Franklin D. Roosevelt in a letter to Winston Churchill
"Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four."
Katharine Hepburn
"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population."
Dave Letterman
"To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent."
Berton Averre
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7 in dog money."
Joe Weinstein
"The airline lost my luggage. They call themselves Midway, but they are really just half-assed."
Jeff
"It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it."
Joseph Joubert
From the December 2000 Dilbert Newsletter, always hunting for idiots on the job:
"A friend of mine manages a Barnes and Noble store. One of her high-school part-time workers called in to say she was unable to come to work. Her excuse was that she couldn't find her bra."
"She and Daddy cut me loose
With a canteen full of apple juice."
-
"Look on the bright side: with all that long hair, he can be a rock star."
"No, he's afraid of spandex."
"Oh."
both from "Rugrats"
"If Santa wasn't good to you last year, send him back up the chimney with the Yule Be Sorry log. Fire in the hole!" (explosion of log)
CMT "Happy Holidays" message
"Christmas morning: it is 3am, and I am in the living room where my sister sleeps on a fouton and I sleep on the couch. The heating is inefficient and expensive, and the house is poorly insulated; the thing keeping us most warm, besides body heat and several blankets, is the kindled wood in the fireplace. My sister turns to me, half-asleep, and pleads in that irresistable get-me-something-or-I'll-whine-like-this-all-night voice she's used on everyone since she was little for me to go out and get some firewood. Being as it's Kentucky, we have a bunch of wood out back from trees that have shuffled off branches, entire trunks, this mortal coil, etc. over the past few years. My uncle and I have put most of this wood in piles out by the doghouse in the back yard, where it has piled up, waiting for warm weather and the mechanical maw of the chipper-shredder that I'll no doubt be suckered into using this summer. Anyway, some of this wood is too large to use in the fireplace, so I either find pieces small enough to fit inside, or make pieces this small. Luckily the wood is old and brittle, and the temperature hasn't broken freezing since I've been home, so my job is made easier. This is good, because the saws and axes have mysteriously disappeared. I end up thwacking medium-sized branches of wood against larger trunk pieces of wood to break them up into usable, better burning pieces. The puppy and the more adventurous/dumber cats investigate the flying bits before I gather them. I lug the bundle into the house, into the living room, and feed it into the ailing fire as I watch a faintly remembered episode of MacGyver. My sister sleeps in the flickering tv and fire lights."
my ramblings on winter
"Eve, I don't want ink marks on my balls."
in reference to above
"I meant ornaments!"
Jamie
"That girl is white! If you put her naked in a dark room she'd light it up!"
Tommy Joe
"If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college."
Homer J. Simpson
"Often we have no time for our friends, but all the time in the world for our enemies."
Leon Uris
The following quotes are mostly taken from http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3:
"Talent is like a faucet; while it is open, you have to write. Inspiration? - a hoax fabricated by poets for their self-importance."
Jean Anouilh
"Charles V. said that a man who knew four languages was worth four men; and Alexander the Great so valued learning, that he used to say he was more indebted to Aristotle for giving him knowledge that, than his father Philip for giving him life."
Lord Macaulay
"Man has to suffer. When he has no real afflictions, he invents some."
Jose Marti
"Education is not to reform students or amuse them or to make them expert technicians. It is to unsettle their minds, widen their horizons, inflame their intellects, teach them to think straight, if possible."
Robert M. Hutchins
"We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it to the full."
Marcel Proust
"Bad temper is its own scourge. Few things are more bitter than to feel bitter. A man's venom poisons himself more than his victim."
Charles Buxton
"Criticism is the disapproval of people, not for having faults, but having faults different from your own."
anonymous
"It is meant that noble minds keep ever with their likes; for who so firm that cannot be seduced."
William Shakespeare
"Who gossips to you will gossip about you."
Turkish proverb
"Prosperity is no just scale; adversity is the only balance to weigh friends."
Plutarch
"If we encounter a man of rare intellect, we should ask him what books he reads."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Two persons cannot long be friends if they cannot forgive each other's little failings."
Jean De La Bruyere
"It is a barren kind of criticism which tells you what a thing is not."
R. W. Griswold
"Mediocrity is not allowed to poets, either by the gods or man."
Horace
"In our society those who are in reality superior in intelligence can be accepted by their fellows only if they pretend they are not."
Marya Mannes
"Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!"
Tommy Smothers
"A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author."
G. K. Chesterton
"Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do."
Jean-Paul Sartre
"Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation."
Judith Martin
"When we got into office, the thing that surprised me the most was that things were as bad as we'd been saying they were."
John F. Kennedy
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."
Unknown author in Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"
"I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body."
Elaine Boosler
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."
Steven Wright
"I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency."
Anonymous, French slogan
"Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think."
Niels Bohr
"Try to learn something about everything and everything about something."
Thomas H. Huxley
"This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop."
Alfred Hitchcock
"Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat."
Sir Julian Huxley
"My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August."
Ronnie Shakes
"What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?"
Fred Allen
"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language."
Buck Henry
"Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all."
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
"I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it."
Queen Juliana, of the Netherlands
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
-
"Clothes make the man. Naked peole have little or no influence on society."
Mark Twain
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
Mae West
"Biography lends to death a new terror."
-
"Only the shallow know themselves."
Oscar Wilde
"Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke."
Hermann Hesse
"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper."
Robert Frost
"Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?"
Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
G. K. Chesterton
"Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge."
Paul Gauguin
"The multitude of books is making us ignorant."
Voltaire
"See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?"
to his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo
-
"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."
Will Rogers
"Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae."
Kurt Vonnegut
"You are not superior just because you see the world in an odious light."
Vicomte de Chateaubriand
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science."
Albert Einstein
"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings."
Ed Gardner
"I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up."
Tom Lehrer
"There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn."
Albert Camus
"She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a servicable substitute for wit."
W. Somerset Maugham
"A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water."
Carl Reiner