It was late that night after the sun had set that we stopped walking. We sat on a bench and continued talking. We loved talking. It was what John and I did best. We were holding hands. The lights on the back of the ship came on as it was getting dark around us. We just giggled and continued talking then. But then there was a pause. I was thinking of whether or not I should ask this. Better now than never, I thought. "John, why did you ask me to marry you?" he looked at me carefully, searching if I had some funny joke to tell that started with this. But my face was completely serious.
"Well, Annie. That is some question." He said, searching for an answer.
"Please tell me." I looked at him with a pleading and yet still serious look. I wanted to know.
"Well, I guess I felt it was my duty. When I saw the hell you were living, I knew that somehow, I had to save you from it. I felt it was what I had to do. I guess I cared for you enough to save you. To never let you feel the hurt I know you felt ever again." He then looked at me to see if this satisfied my quest for an answer. I wasn't.
"But did you love me?" I looked at him pleading still. He looked at me not willing to answer.
"Well," he started. I looked at his eyes and his lips again. I wasn't going to pass up this chance. He looked out to the ocean, searching for the right words. I couldn't stand it. I was too in love with him. I got close and kissed him. He was so wonderful. I pulled away first. His eyes were so amazed and the look of wanting more lingered in his eyes. It was at this very moment that I understood his true love for me. And I realized just how much he meant to me. I really did love him.
"Let's go back to your cabin." I whispered. He got up, never letting go of my hand. His thoughts greatly reflected mine. We walked down the hallway and passed passengers. I felt like when they looked at me, I had to hide my thoughts. I felt that if someone read them, they would yell at me. But no one did. John and I got to his door. He opened it up. He let me in first. I searched to see that nothing was in the way. He closed the door as quietly as possible behind him. He then turned and looked at me. I sat on his bed, the one on the right. I had to kind of duck my head. He sat to my left, very close. He got his hand around mine. I put my head on his shoulder. He put his head against mine. I felt so wonderful. After a few minutes, I pulled my head off of his shoulder and looked into his eyes. The look of want was still there. We then kissed. It was passionate and wonderful. Then we started to embrace.
(4-14-12)
"Come on, John. The others will wonder why we've missed breakfast. Look at the time!" I pointed at a pocket watch he had in his vest pocket. It was around 11 am. Rather late. We had missed breakfast. They really would be angry. I started to put on my clothes as John moaned and got up. He didn't want to leave either. He put on his clothes and when we were done, we kissed again. Of course we didn't stop kissing and I realized we would never leave unless I didn't become the sensible one and pull away. "Come on, we really do have to leave now." He looked at me with sad puppy dog eyes. I smiled at him. I opened the door and held it for him. He smiled at me and laughed. He closed the door and we passed the other people in the hall. We walked down towards the dining room. Joseph was sitting on the back part of his chair. "Ah. There you are. Where have you two been?" Joseph asked.
"We were busy. We had some stuff to do." I said deviously. I didn't reveal the true meaning of my sentence.
"Well you've missed breakfast," Joseph said, trying to make me feel bad.
"Ah yes, but there's still lunch." I said with a smile. Every time Joseph had tried to make a remark to make me feel bad, I had another thing to say that made him feel bad. John and I sat down. This one was one of the rare times that Uncle James was not reading his book. But of course, he had it in his coat pocket in case he really needed to read it. I sat next to John and held his hand. Joseph probably had figured out what we had done. He looked at me with a mean and very angry look. He looked at me like I had betrayed him. First I tell him I won't run away with him and then I sleep with his brother. It was looking good for him. And I think it was this morning, the day after I said no, that he finally realized I was the unreachable treasure. I could never be won over because it was John that I loved and not him. I hope that he did realize this. I was not his and never would be.
"So what is for lunch anyway?" I asked. James recited what there was.
"Iced tea, water, potatoes, string beans, cheeses, and ham. Lots of ham. Always potatoes and ham!" James chuckled.
"Well, that sounds good to me. How about you?" I asked John.
"I think that I shall definitely have one of everything!" He laughed and looked at me. The whole morning seemed brightened by his face. After being together and the realization of our love, everything seemed to go right. It was all falling into place. I had the fiancé of my dreams, the wedding I had always hoped for and the life I've always dreamed of on the way. And now I was finally in love and loved by someone so wonderful. It really was all I could ever ask for. We ordered breakfast quickly. We all knew what we had wanted. We talked about gardening and even invited a young lady who Joseph had begun to like over. He was trying to use her, possibly to make me jealous. It didn't work. I had found John to be my real love, and Joseph was just going to be my brother-in-law. I smiled at John the entire morning. We held hands even when we ate. It was a joyous conversation during lunch.
Then after lunch, John and I went off to walk on a promenade deck. Alfred stayed at the end of the ship talking with some young ladies, and Joseph tried to talk to the girl he'd met while still watching me as I walked away. I just let Joseph drift as far away as possible. I didn't care about him anymore. There was only John in my eyes now. The only one I cared about.
We walked as the sun rose past the point of noon. It was getting later. Around 3 in the afternoon. It was always wonderful spending time with John. I held onto his arm. We walked slowly this time. We didn't want to care about anything else. So anything else other than each other seemed to disappear. We had a way of doing that. So I just looked into his eyes as he looked into mine. We were starting to tire of walking all the time. It was wonderful, truly, every moment, but not for 5 days straight. We did walk until around 4 or 5. Then we went to his cabin to read and talk.
When we got there, we sat on opposite beds. But it was funny because John and I weren't actually reading. We kept putting our heads down and acting like we were, but then we'd look up and giggle at one another. We didn't get very far in our books. It was a very funny scene. The sun still shown through the port hole in our room. Then we heard the knock on our door to tell us dinner was ready. John answered the door and told Alfred, who had knocked, that we'd be there in a minute.
John came over to me and I looked up at him from where I sat. His eyes were so darling. He grabbed my hands up in each of his. Then he said, "Would you please come to dinner with me?" He was trying to be first class and cute.
"Of course, Mr. Davies, I'd be delighted." I stood up and he held me close. He escorted me out of the room and down the hall. We made quite a scene. We had to try so hard not to giggle, but when we got to our table, we couldn't control it any longer and we burst into uncontrollable laughter. We sat down and the rest of his family looked at us funny. "What is so funny?" Uncle James asked. "Oh, nothing," I said with a smirk. John giggled and smiled at me. We sat down to look at the menus. Beef, ham, oh, ham yet again.... potatoes, beans, anything you could imagine. I ordered beef. I had never really had any, so I decided that I was daring enough to try some. I also got green beans and potatoes. A very nice meal. But it made me think of Jenny and Kathryn. It had been so long since I talked with them. What were they eating? Were they as well off as I was? It made me feel sick to my stomach. So I tried to push the ideas out of my head. I turned to John who was salting his beans and he looked at me. I smiled, trying to suppress any further thoughts of Ireland.
I sat in silence for a few minutes while I simply listened to the others talking. Joseph had the girl at our table again. He was quite nice, and they seemed to be getting along well. Joseph wasn't looking at me for once. It felt odd, but I was glad. Uncle James had actually put down his book long enough to talk and eat! That was an amazing site. It was an odd feeling in that dinning room that night. It had gotten colder as the sun set outside just after we had gotten to the dinning room. There was something very final about all we did.
I finallly joined into their conversation a little later. We were once again joking and laughing. It was a merry time. I was so glad to be my fiance and his family. I felt so at home at last.
John and I finished up and went up on deck for a few minutes. Joseph, I'm sure was standing behind one of the walls and watching me. I knew he still cared for me. John and I talked for awhile. He talked so seriously. I loved every minute of his soft and deep voice lulling me into a state of happiness. He said to me, "Annie, we're going to be in New York soon. I am hoping you'll be happy there. You've escaped. I'm so proud of you. I am glad you decided to come with me. I love you."
"I love you too," and with that we kissed. It was a passionate kiss. It seemed to last forever. "Do you want to walk for awhile John?"
"No, I figured I'd go catch up on reading. Would you like to come with me?"
"Sure," I said. I followed him through the halls and back to his cabin. How familiar, and yet not for the same purpose..... I was sitting in bed reading a magazine that they had. I often looked up to see my darling John. He was reading in his physics book. Always reading. That was John. He sat for so long with the most serious look on his face. I smiled over at him even though he didn't see me. His little curls of hair coming down in his face. So adorable. It was a little past 11 at night when I decided I was done reading and I wanted some air. "Will you come with me John? I need some air and I wanted to see the stars."
"No, dear. Not tonight. I just wanted to read in my books for awhile. I had some new ideas. But you go ahead. I'm sure they're lovely." He said while glancing at his book and smiling at me.
"Alright my love. I'll see you later then. Don't stay up too late." I smiled at him. He didn't say anything. He went back to reading and I kissed his forehead. I walked out of the room and watched him as I closed the door. I walked down the hall past many other passengers. I went up the steps to the poop deck. Ah. The left side. It was my side.
I stood by the left side of the poop deck while leaning on the rail. I looked at how clear it was on this wonderful night. How wonderful and clear the stars were. You could even see the milky way. "Oh stars, you have given me so much. You've let me go. You've even given me John. What did I do to deserve this? Thank you so very much." I looked at the stars. So clear, if I reached out my hand, I was sure I could touch one. The wind blew extra cold that night. But it was refreshing. I had on enough clothes to not get chilly. It had been a glorious day. After waking up the morning, everything had gone so right. John and I had gone walking every night and I didn't expect him to go walking again. He needed a break and so did I. So I was alone on deck just remembering how lucky I was. I finally got away from my hell. I was going to America with the most wonderful man in the world on the grandest ship. I was so happy.
I continued standing for 20-30 minutes. It was not until 11:40 that I moved from that spot. It was then that the ship hit the iceberg. I hadn't noticed at first. It was only a slight rumble. I thought it was the engines. So it cut the holes in the side of the ship. Then when the roar of the blue berg came up behind me, I turned around. I watched in horror as it seemingly flew past the ship. I turned in a full 360 circle as I watched it get farther away. Then we stopped. I sought out a few other passengers that were on deck to see if they knew what happened. They knew as little as I did. I figured that we merely had gotten close. Little did I know that was not the case. They assumed we must've hit it, but since this was an unsinkable ship, it couldn't sink. I then realized, "Of course. I am on a first class ship. We couldn't possibly sink." I was reassured by this thought. I talked for about 15 minutes while we all shared our opinions. Then they talked of their affairs of the day. I realized that John was still in his room reading. He was a very intelligent man and he would surely know what happened. So I said goodnight to the ladies I had chatted with and I went down the third class stairs to the hall of our room. But I never got to the room. There was a gate pulled across. And John was behind it.
I ran to his side. He was trying to pull at it and break it open, but it didn't work. "John, what happened?" I asked frantically.
"I don't know. There were stewards who asked us all to get to the lifeboats and we weren't to panic. They gave some lifejackets and…"
"John, I saw an iceberg. I felt a little jolt, I figured it couldn't be anything." John's face turned from a look of interest to a look of deep thought and horror. "This is an unsinkable ship, right? I mean, it's not just third class, there's first class passengers, too." I looked to John for some answer and he just stared at the floor trying to completely figure out what would happen. All of a sudden, he looked up and realized what had to happen.
"Annie, go find someone. Anyone. We need to open the gates. Go. Don't worry, just go." I left without a word. I searches the nearby hallways. I found an item that looked like a crowbar. I figured it could work. I took it back to John after I found no one in the halls.
"Could this open it? It seemed like it could work…."
"It'll have to do for now. Here, wedge it in between the bars and the wall." I did exactly what he said. He got on one side to pull and I would push. We tried, but it was made out of a cheap material and it snapped.
"Oh no," I said. "What else can we do?" I once again looked to him for answers. He looked again in deep thought.
"I don't know." He paused. "Annie, you have to get to a boat. Just go and I'll find a way out."
"What? No, I can't do that."
"Annie, listen to me. You need to go now. Save yourself." He looked pleadingly at me.
"No, John. I can't. You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. You saved me. And unless I can save you, I'm not leaving." I looked at him with a sort of smirk. He looked at me with sad eyes, realizing what we would do. We were going to die. Together. I grabbed his hands and fell to the floor against the wall. I knew I couldn't leave him, but now I faced death. Straight in the face. He knelt down and then sat with me. I put my head against the cold iron bars. He put his against mine. Now all we could do was wait. We didn't know how long it would be until the water came rushing around us. I turned my head and looked at John. I started to cry. I got close to the bar and he did the same. I kissed him the best I could through the bars. "I love you." I whispered.
"I love you too." He whispered back. We sat there holding hands for an hour. He just lightly rubbed my hand and I thought of what would happen in the coming minutes. I knew that I was to die. But how could I prepare myself for that? I had a terrible life and now it was perfect with John and a new life on the way. And now God was taking it away. Why? What did I do? Hadn't I paid my dues?
Then the water trickled down the stairs. It broke me from my mindless stare. I looked behind me as it hit the carpet. That darned red carpet. It started to come down and spread down the hallway. Finally it reached John and I. We stood up quickly and the other people behind the gate were screaming in realization of their fate. The water got higher and higher. I got as close as I could to the bars. John was just a few centimeters away from my face. I could feel his breath on my cheek. We were so close. And yet we would never be together again without a gate separating us.
"I love you, Annie Meek." He said quietly and sweetly.
"I love you, John Davies." I looked at him and gave him my final kiss. By this time, the water was up to our knees. "I'm cold, John. Hold me closer," He held me tightly through the bars and I began to breath deep as to remember that I would be ok, even after I died. I had done a noble thing. I stayed with my love even in the face of death.
