QUESTION
My wife doesn't care to have intercourse as she doesn't
have much desire and it is a bit painful for her. There are no medical
conditions. Is mutual masturbation within the marriage bed ok according to the
Bible?
ANSWER
Thank you for the great question. It's always nice to see that someone cares enough to make sure they're keeping in God's will. Let me say, this is a very involved question. For starters, the issue of masturbation alone is an age-old debate in the Christian community. Many Christians have been torn on this issue because there is nothing in scripture that specifically speaks on the issue of masturbation. However, that doesn't mean there aren’t Biblical principles and laws that would apply to this issue. A good example would be smoking weed. Scripture doesn't say anything about smoking pot, but for one small example it does say, 1 Peter 5:8 8Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. If we should be sober minded, then smoking pot wouldn't work since it clouds our mind..
Now, in trying to address the issue of mutual masturbation, I found myself unsure where to start. Reason being, this question can lead into many other issues. Such as, is masturbation ok to do at any given time? If the answer is, "no, it's wrong any time" then our search stops here. If the answer is, "yes, it's ok to do" then we need to ask one main question which is, "When is it ok?". Meaning, Is it: Whenever? At certain times? Before marriage only? During marriage only? Etc... The list of questions goes on and on. To address all of this we would need to look at a great deal of information including all the arguments for and against it and then compare it to Scripture and go from there. However, because I do not have enough information from your question, I'm not sure if all that information would apply to your situation. Therefore, I decided not to get into the entire issue of masturbation, instead I'll just address your immediate question concerning, "MUTUAL masturbation within marriage".
Before we begin, let's make sure we're on the same page by getting a clear definition on what mutual masturbation is. mutual masturbation - Masturbating in close proximity to someone else or using the hand to fondle another person's genitals.1 In other words, mutual masturbation can be one person masturbating them self in view of their partner or the person relieving their partner by masturbation. In addition, I would also add that some couples use this technique as a form of foreplay.
So, now we can ask, is it right or wrong in the marriage bed according to scripture? Let me first say, this is not an uncommon question. Actually, many married Christian couples want to know what is and is not acceptable to do in the marriage bed. Why is this such an issue among so many Christian married couples? The reason is, scripture simply does not supply us a list of acceptable sexual techniques. However, scripture does give us a list of specific sexual behaviors that are unacceptable, in fact, they are forbidden. For just a few examples,
ADULTERY: Gen. 20:3, Prov. 6:24-29/32/33, Prov. 7:5-23; Prov. 9:13-18, Prov. 22:14 Prov. 23:27-28, Prov. 29:3, Prov. 30:18-20, Isaiah 57:3,4, Jer. 3:1; Jer.5:7,8 Jer.7:9,10 Jer.23:10, Ezekiel 18:5,6 Hosea 4:1,2,11 Matt. 5:28,32 Matt.15:19 Matt.19:9 Mark 7:21 Mark 10:11,12,19; Luke 16:18; Acts 15:20,29; Rom. 1:28,29,32; 7:3; 1 Cor. 5:9,10; 1Cor.6:15-18 1Cor.10:8; 2Cor. 12:21; Gal. 5:19,21; 1Tim. 1:9,10; 2Tim. 3:6; James2:11; 1Peter 4:3,4; 2Peter 2:9,10,14; Jude 1:7; Rev. 2:20-22; 9:21
HOMOSEXUALITY: Rom. 1:24-27 1Cor. 6:9-10 Lev.18:22 Lev.20:13,
BESTIALITY: Ex. 22:19 Lev.18:23, Lev.20:16
INCEST: Lev 18:6-17 Lev 20:11-21 Deut. 22:30 Deut. 27:20-23 etc.
It's important to note that in each case these passages deal with sexual behavior outside of husband and wife in the marriage bed. So the next question becomes, is there anything at all concerning the marriage bed within scripture? Well, actually there is.... Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.
Now, any time we want to understand the context in which another statement is made, in this case "and the bed undefiled", it's important to capture the fullness of the previous statement, "marriage is honorable". Therefore let's break it down a little and try to fully understand what's being stated..
First we see it makes the statement that, "marriage is honorable". The Gr. (Greek) word used here for honorable is ôßìéïò (timios) which means: ((figuratively) beloved:—dear, honorable, (more, most) precious.2) By this, we now can understand the fullness of what is being said. The idea is stating how precious, dear and honorable marriage is. Marriage is a very precious covenant between a man and a woman. Therefore, it's under the context of how precious marriage is, that the next statement is made.
We see the next statement is, "and the bed undefiled.". the Gr. word used here for, "undefiled" is Pìßáíôïò (amiantos) which means: (unsoiled, that is, (figuratively) pure:—undefiled.2) This is interesting, because it's say's the marriage bed is pure. It doesn't say, make it pure or keep it pure. It just say's, it's pure, period. As I already stated, there no list of what's right or wrong in the marriage bed according to scripture. The only thing we're told about the marriage bed is that it's undefiled (pure). So.. Next we must ask ourselves, what does that mean? Well, many believe it means that all thing, within reason, are pure within the marriage bed. However, many still disagree on what the, "within reason" would be.
I agree with the teaching that all things are pure within reason, however, there are some things a couple must consider in what they're looking to do. Here are two main things I believe every Christian should check before making their decision.
1) Most importantly, the couple should make sure they're not compromising on Biblical values. In other words, this is where it becomes extremely important to apply Biblical principles to what the couple is seeking out to do. For example, pornographic movies/book would not be ok to use, simply because it promotes sexual immorality, can cause people to have sinful desires, and a whole list of reasons which go against God's laws and principles. The point is, the husband and wife must be mindful of what they do and make sure it does not go against Biblical principles.
2) Whatever the husband and/or wife is looking to do, he/she must make sure their partner is honestly comfortable with the act. This in itself covers a couple areas. The most obvious would be physically. It's important to make sure your partner is physically ok with the act. Therefore, it's important to communicate with him or her about how it feels physically. If it's creating a problem, then the couple should consider other techniques that both of them can enjoy.
Next, the couple should talk about the mental and emotional aspect. See, depending on how a person was raised, some can feel guilt because they were raised to believe such and such is sinful. This is especially true when it comes to masturbation, but it can be the case with many other things as well. Although such and such maybe ok to do biblically speaking, it doesn't mean it's ok for everyone. If someone feels that what they are doing is wrong, although it's technically ok, they're in sin if they continue to do it. 1Cor. 8:4-84Therefore concerning the eating of things offered to idols, we know that an idol is nothing in the world, and that there is no other God but one. 5For even if there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many gods and many lords), 6yet for us there is one God, the Father, of whom are all things, and we for Him; and one Lord Jesus Christ, through whom are all things, and through whom we live. 7However, there is not in everyone that knowledge; for some, with consciousness of the idol, until now eat it as a thing offered to an idol; and their conscience, being weak, is defiled. Paul was saying how foods that were used as offerings to false gods were ok to eat because it didn't have anything to do with us (Christians). In Christ we are free, however some people still felt like it was a sin to do, but even though they felt this way they were still eating the food because it was technically ok to do. However, scripture said because of this, their conscience is defiled. A defiled conscience is one that has been violated, bringing fear, shame, and guilt.3
To make the point clearer let's look at another passage concerning the same issue. Romans 14:19-21 19Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another. 20Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All things indeed are pure, but it is evil for the man who eats with offense. 21It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine nor do anything by which your brother stumbles or is offended or is made weak.
In other words, we need to be mindful of what we do and how it affects other people, in this case, our partner. Just because it may be ok to do, that doesn't mean it's good for everyone. For example, I would not offer a glass of wine to a recovering alcoholic. It's not because a little wine is unlawful, but for that person a little wine could seriously damage his/her recovery. Thus, the wine would be unhelpful. The point is, the couple must make sure both of them are honestly comfortable with such and such and keep the lines of communication open in the marriage bed. Paul made the point best when he said, 1Cor. 10:23-24 23All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify. 24Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.
By using these two main safety checks, I believe Christian married couples can have an enjoyable, pure union in the marriage bed that's guilt free and sin free. Though the acts may vary from couple to couple, the facts are "when it comes to sex, most married Christians just do what works for them."4
Now, when it specifically comes to mutual masturbation, I cannot find any biblical principle that would make this wrong. Therefore, as long both of them are comfortable with it, I would see no problem with them sharing themselves in this way with each other. However, in keeping within Biblical principles, it's important to make sure that the husband/ wife are not fantasizing about people other than their wife or husband. Matthew 5:27-28 Jesus said 27"You have heard that it was said to those of old, `You shall not commit adultery.' 28But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." When someone looks at another person lustfully they are fantasizing and as Jesus said, they have committed adultery. This of course applies to many things not just masturbation. We should not fantasize while having intercourse either. For that matter, we should not fantasize about anybody sexually except our own wife or husband. At any rate, this is my personal conviction concerning the issue of mutual masturbation within the marriage bed...
At this point, I feel there is another important issue within your question that needs addressed. Since you mentioned that the need for mutual masturbation is because your wife "doesn't care to have intercourse as she doesn't have much desire and it is a bit painful for her. There are no medical conditions. ". This raises many questions and concerns…I'm not sure how she is feeling pain, but yet there is no medical reason behind the pain. Furthermore, why is there no real desire? There are many people who feel pain, but mentally and emotionally still desire intercourse.
My concerns are based on God's true design and meaning of intercourse. Intercourse is designed by God as a very special physical expression of the love and union between husband and wife. It symbolizes the husband and wife becoming one flesh. Jesus said in Matt 19:5;6 5‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Though I agree that we can include many other techniques in the marriage bed, I also feel that it should not substitute intercourse altogether if possible. I say, "if possible" because there are married couples who cannot engage in intercourse based on medical conditions that simply prevent them from doing so.
See, if we don't include intercourse in our marriage these other techniques will only satisfy for so long. Then we will desire more. Think about it, when someone is dating a person and the dating couple decides to fool around sexually, the urge within them gets stronger. Next thing they know, making out isn't enough, feeling around isn't enough and before they know it, sex is in the picture. It's only natural that things will head in that direction, that's why dating couples need to stay away from engaging in sexual foreplay. However, that's another issue in itself. The point here is, if possible, a married couple should not with hold intercourse from each other for a long period of time.1Cor. 17:3-5 3Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. When a married couple keeps themselves from such physical union to long, they open themselves to temptation. This is where the husband and or wife may begin to look else where to feel their needs that are not being met at home. Now, I guess at this point one would ask, What about those couples who cannot have intercourse due to medical preventions? For those couples, I believe God will still bless them with what they are capable of doing. God's promise to us is, 1Cor 10:13 13No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. The escape for these couples might be something like mutual masturbation or whatever works best to fill their need, the point is, God will strengthen them to deal with the situation and direct them accordingly. 2Cor. 12:9 9And He[Jesus] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”
I cannot guess how your situation fits in here because I do not have enough information. However, based on the fact that she has no real desire for intercourse and feels pain, I feel there is more to this, and that something isn't quite right. Therefore, here are some things I would encourage you to do.
1) Go before God and seek Him out. Ask Him to reveal what's causing the problem. Ask Him to bring to light that which is hidden.
2) Talk with you wife. In a loving and caring way, ask her to share her honest thoughts about intercourse. Ask her what it means to her and how it effects her emotionally and mentally. Don't be defensive or argumentative. Just take in what she has to say and pray about it..
3) Go to a doctor and explain the situation even if you've already gone to one. If she's feeling pain then you need a second opinion because something is causing the pain. Furthermore, it's well known that a chemical imbalance can cause a person to lose sexual desire. Therefore, you should have a doctor also check into this.
4) You may need to get some further counsel on this issue. There may be some thoughts or emotions that are causing her to feel no real desire. Therefore, you should seek a Christian marriage counselor and/or a Pastor. You need someone who can really get into the issue and find out what's causing this lack of desire.
In closing,
Without knowing more information, I am limited on what can be said. However, I pray that this has been of some help in your search for answers. I also pray that God will guide you and bring you into all truth. God bless you and your wife always.
In CHRIST, Dave
1. sexglossary.com
