QUESTION

is it wrong to engage in oral sex with my wife? can i ask this of her and she have to agree?
 

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ANSWER

What about oral Sex within marriage? Does the Bible give any clear teaching on it? The answer is--- No. Therefore, the next question becomes, is there anything AT ALL concerning the marriage bed within scripture? Well, actually, Yes there is....

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

 This is an interesting passage. Notice that is say’s “the bed undefiled”. What exactly does that mean? Well, we need to consider the fullness of this entire verse, therefore, let's break the verse down one statement at a time.

First we see it makes the statement that, "marriage is honorable". The Gr. (Greek) word used here for honorable is ôßìéïò (timios) which means:

By this, we now can understand the fullness of this first statement..  The idea is stating how precious, dear and honorable marriage is. Marriage is a very precious covenant between a man and a woman in the eyes of God. Therefore, it's under the context of how precious marriage is, that the next statement is made. So now let us look at the next statement--

We see the next statement is, "and the bed undefiled.". the Gr. word used here for, "undefiled" is Pìßáíôïò (amiantos) which means:

This is interesting, because it's say's the marriage bed is pure. It doesn't say, make it pure or keep it pure. It say's, it IS pure, period. So.. Next we must ask ourselves, what does that mean to say the” Marriage bed is pure”? Well, many believe it means that all things, within reason, are pure in the marriage bed.  However, many Christians still disagree on what the, "within reason" would be.

 So how do we know what can be considered “within reason”? Well, there are two things every Christian should check before making their decision:

1) Most importantly, the couple should make sure they're NOT compromising on Biblical teachings or principles. In other words, it’s extremely important for a Christian Married couple to apply Biblical teachings/principles to what they are seeking out to do. For example, pornography movies/book would not be ok to use, simply because it promotes sexual immorality and could also cause people to have sinful desires, and a whole list of other problems, which go against God's laws and principles. The point is, something like that is clearly wrong in the eyes of God and His Word is VERY clear on that.. So the idea of step one is for the husband and wife to be mindful of what they do and make sure it does not go against Clear Biblical teaching/principles.

2) Whatever the husband and/or wife is looking to do, he/she MUST make sure their partner is honestly comfortable with the act. This covers 2 areas:

1Cor. 8:4-8⁴Therefore concerning the eating of things offered to idols, we know that an idol is nothing in the world, and that there is no other God but one. ⁵For even if there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many gods and many lords), ⁶yet for us there is one God, the Father, of whom are all things, and we for Him; and one Lord Jesus Christ, through whom are all things, and through whom we live. ⁷However, there is not in everyone that knowledge; for some, with consciousness of the idol, until now eat it as a thing offered to an idol; and their conscience, being weak, is defiled.  

Here Paul tells us that foods used as offerings to false gods were ok to eat because it didn't have anything to do with us (Christians). In Christ we are free, however, as we see, some people still felt like it was a sin to eat such foods. Yet, even though they felt this way they were still eating the food because it was technically ok to do. However, notice what verse 7 said, “their conscience is defiled”. A defiled conscience is one that has been violated, bringing fear, shame, and guilt.2

To make the point clearer let's look at another passage concerning the same issue.

Romans 14:19-21 ¹⁹Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another. ²⁰Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All things indeed are pure, but it is evil for the man who eats with offense. ²¹It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine nor do anything by which your brother stumbles or is offended or is made weak.

Here we are told to be mindful of what we do and how it affects other people. Just because it may be ok to do, that doesn't mean it's good for everyone. For example, I would not offer a glass of wine to a recovering alcoholic. It's not because a little wine is unlawful, but because a little wine could seriously damage his/her recovery. That person could end up with serious guilt and regret for having that little wine. Thus, the wine would be unhelpful.

The point is, the couple must make sure each of them is honestly comfortable with certain acts and they both keep the lines of communication open in the marriage bed. Paul made the point best when he said, ²³All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify. ²⁴Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being. (1Cor. 10:23-24)

In closing,

When it specifically comes to the issue of Oral Sex, I cannot find any biblical teaching or principle that would make it wrong. Therefore, as long as both the husband and wife are comfortable with it; I would see no problem with them sharing themselves in this way with each other. However, in keeping within Biblical principles I must state clearly that it should not substitute intercourse altogether.

Aside from procreation, Intercourse is designed by God as a very special physical expression of love and union between husband and wife. It symbolizes the husband and wife becoming one flesh. Jesus said in Matt 19:5;6 ⁵‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? ⁶So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

The point is, a married couple should not withhold intercourse from each other for a long period of time.1Cor. 17:3-5 ³Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. ⁴The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. ⁵Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. When a married couple keeps themselves from such physical union to long, they open themselves to temptation. This is where the husband and or wife may begin to look elsewhere to fill their needs. Therefore, substituting intercourse altogether for other sexual activities would not only be dangerous but also wrong.

Well, I pray that this has been of some help to you. May God continue to guide you and bring you into all truth and may His blessings be upon you and your wife always.

1. Strong's Hebrew and Greek Dictionary   2. Christian Sex Rules- by Louis and Melissa McBurney