Class Picture - transcript from Washi - by Andreas Rosén
TEASER / COLD OPENING
FADE IN:
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Extras)
"CLASS PICTURE DAY" WRITTEN ON THE BLACKBOARD. ERIC, DONNA, KELSO, JACKIE AND FEZ HANGS AT THE TABLES WITH SOME OTHER STUDENTS,
ALL DRESSED UP. JACKIE WORKS ON KELSO'S HAIR. ERIC AND FEZ ARE TRYING TO HIT EACH OTHER.
JACKIE
Now, Michael, for your class picture, don't forget to do the over-the-shoulder shot. That's the best one. (SHE DEMONSTRATES)
KELSO
Oh yea, I love that pose. It makes me look coy.
HYDE ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.
HYDE
Hey, guys, Tommy Hedges just got his picture taken with a big old booger!
ERIC
So, why were you in Tommy Hedges' picture? (LAUGHS PROUDLY)
DONNA
(TO HYDE) So, he had a booger and you didn't tell him?
HYDE
He'll find out. It'll be in the yearbook.
FEZ
That's true. That's how I found out I was adorable.
JACKIE
No, seriously. The only thing more important than your yearbook picture is your yearbook quote.
KELSO
Ah, I've got that covered. My quote's gonna be "What a long, strange trip it's been." Yeah, that's freakin' profound.
EVERYONE ROLLS THEIR EYES.
ERIC
Kelso, every lame-o hippie in the history of time has used that quote.
KELSO
Yeah, that's 'cause it's good.
JACKIE
No, Michael. Your quote has to be meaningful, so you can remember the good time when you're like, thirty, with no reason left to live.
DONNA
Okay, hidden in Jackie's extremly disturbing thought is a grain of truth. We need a really good quote this year.
JACKIE
Well, all the best quotes are about the things that means alot to you, like for example me. My hair. Or my Personality. Or the sparkle I bring to your dull, grey, lives.
HYDE
Or, the feeling of relief we get, when you leave the room.
ERIC
Nah, you know what? We need a quote that is about all of us. Like, maybe like how we all met.
DONNA
(TO ERIC) Remeber how we first met? (LAUGHING)
FEZ
Ooh, is this a sexy story?
DONNA
It's really more sad than sexy.
ERIC
(SADLY) Yeah.
HYDE
(TO ERIC) That's pretty much how it goes for you, isn't it?
ERIC
(SADLY, SIGHS) Yeah.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY - 1968
(Eric (7), Donna (7), Red, Kitty, Bob)
RED AND KITTY ENTERS FROM KITCHEN, ERIC (7) FOLLOWS THEM, CARRYING A PLATE OF BROWNIES ( NOT SPECIAL :) ).
KITTY
Got your brownies for the new neighbours, Eric?
ERIC (7)
Yes, mommy.
KITTY
(TO RED) How do I look?
RED
Well, you got a little something right the... (REACHES OUT TO TOUCH KITTYS HAIR; KITTY SLAPS RED BEFORE HE REACHES)
KITTY
Don't touch it! I had to sleep sitting up to keep it like this.
RED
Well, I just hope these new neighbours are better than the last ones. That Gus Griffin was a complete dumbass.
BOB AND DONNA (7) ENTERS FROM THEIR HOUSE. BOB CARRIES A PIE.
BOB
Hiya, neighbours.
KITTY
Well, Hello! We were just coming to welcome you.
BOB
Looks like we beat you to the pinchity-punch!
RED
Ah, damn!
BOB
I'm Bob Pinciotti, this is my daughter Donna, my wife Midge will be over later, her thumb's caught in something right now.
KITTY
Well, we've all done that. I guess. (THEN) I'm Kitty, and this is Red, and this is our son Eric.
ERIC GIVES THE PLATE OF BROWNIES TO BOB.
KITTY
Eric, say hello to Donna.
ERIC STARES AT AT DONNA, SMITTEN (HEARTS POPPING, SPECIAL FX). DONNA IS NOT SMILING.
DONNA (7)
What are you looking at, string bean?
SHE PUNCHES HIM IN THE STOMACH. ERIC BENDS OVER IN PAIN.
ERIC (7)
(IN LOVE) Wow. You're strong.
CUT TO:
OPENING CREDITS
FADE OUT.
END OF TEASER
* * *
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS DAY
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Extras)
THE GANG LAUGHS. ERIC DOESN'T
ERIC
Yeah, go ahead and laugh. None of you got punched by Madame Manfist here.
DONNA
You were creepy, what can I say.
HYDE
Forman beat up by a little girl. Seems like only yesterday. Oh wait, I think it happened yesterday too.
ERIC
That's... You like that story Hyde, maybe I should talk about the first time you and I met.
HYDE STOPS LAUGHING.
HYDE
No.
ERIC
Yes.
HYDE
NO!
ERIC
YES!
HYDE
(YELLING) You promised!
ERIC
(YELLING) I'm telling!
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY - 1968
(Eric (7), Hyde (7), Red, Kitty)
ERIC (7) AND HYDE (7) WALSK TOWARDS THE HOUSE. HYDE (7) HAS A DIRT SMUDGE ON HIS CHEEK.
ERIC (7)
Thanks for walking me home, Steven. That redheaded girl hits really hard.
HYDE (7)
Some Advice? Never let a girl stand on your head like that. Bad for the rep.
ERIC (7)
Okay, Steven.
HYDE (7)
...and it's Hyde.
ERIC (7)
Thanks, Hyde. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if my last name was Seek? (EXCITED) You know, Hyde and Seek.
HYDE (7)
That's stupid. And you owe me a quarter.
ERIC GETS A QUARTER FROM HIS RIGHT POCKET AS KITTY AND RED ENTER FROM THE HOUSE.
KITTY
Well now, who do we have here?
ERIC (7)
This is Hyde.
KITTY
Aw, you have a new little friend! (TO RED) Red, get the camera.
HYDE (7)
I'm not his friend. I'm a hired gun.
RED
Kitty, don't embarrace the boy.
KITTY
Oh, don't be silly. It's nice to have a new friend. Especially one who is so... (OFF HYDE) dirty!. (TO HYDE) You know what's fun?
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER - 1968
(Eric (7), Hyde (7), Red)
ERIC (7) AND HYDE (7) SIT, MISERABLE, IN THE BATHTUB TOGETER. RED STANDS OVER THEM.
RED
I'm sorry, Son.
RED LEAVES
HYDE (7)
If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you.
ERIC OFFERS HYDE A RUBBER DUCKY. HYDE SLAPS IT AWAY.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS (DAY)
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Extras)
EVERYONE EXCEPT HYDE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.
HYDE
(TO ERIC) Now I have to kill you.
FEZ
I don't know, I like to bathe with friends. They can reach places you can't.
THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM.
KELSO
Yeah, that's probobly best kept to yourself, buddy.
JACKIE LOOKS DOWN INTO KELSO'S LAP, KELSO IS LOOKING THROUGH AN OLD YEARBOOK.
JACKIE
You guys, look at Erics last year's picture.
THEY GATHER AROUND THE BOOK.
HYDE
Ah, the famous makeup-covered zit.
ERIC
Look, I only wanted one year of clear skin to remember, and if that means breaking out the old powder-puff, so be it.
DONNA
You really never had a zit-free picture.
JACKIE
Remember the one on his nose?
FEZ
And the one on his lip?
DONNA
And the one on the one on his lip?
HYDE
And the one we thought was a second little alien Eric growing out of his cheek?
KELSO PUTS HIS HAND TO HIS CHEEK, AND MOVES IT WHILE IMITATING ERIC'S ZIT.
KELSO
(ALIEN VOICE) I mean no harm to your planet. I will attack if you attempt to pop me.
HYDE
Ah, zits.
MUSIC CUE: "POP THAT THANG" BY THE ISLEY BROTHERS
BEGIN MONTAGE:
VARIOUS PICTURES OF ERIC. WE SEE SCHOOL PICTURES FLASH THROUGH A LA THE "SLEDGEHAMMER" VIDEO. IN EACH ONE, ERIC HAS A HUGE ZIT IN A DIFFERENT PLACE. THE LAST ONE IS ON THE END OF HIS NOSE. ALSO, ERIC GOT A DIFFERENT, MORE COMPLEX NICKNAME IN EVER SHOT.
END MONTAGE.
MUSIC CUE: MUSIC ENDS
THE GANG LAUGHS. ERIC DOESN'T.
ERIC
Hey, those days are over. Okay, I'm zit-free this year, and you wanna know why? I have become a man.
THEY ALL GUFFAW.
ERIC (CONT'D)
No, I'm serious! I am man, I am zitless. Hear me roar. That... should be our yearbook quote.
FEZ
What about a quote from the happiest day of your lives
DONNA
When was that?
FEZ
The day you met me!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. GYM FOYER - DAY - 1976
(Eric, Kelso, Hyde, Fez)
ERIC, KELSO and HYDE ARE TALKING.
KELSO
Potsie says, "Sit on it", right to the Fonz's face. That's brave.
HYDE
(TO ERIC) Hey, what's with Donna?
ERIC
What? We're just friends. God, why would you even ask that? I don't like her! Me and Donna, it's like, it's.. gross!
HYDE
Hey man, I was just asking why she wasn't in class today.
ERIC
Oh. Then.. never mind.
KELSO
BUSTED!
THEY HEAR A MUTED CRY FOR HELP FROM THE CLOSET.
FEZ
Help! Americans, please help me!
ERIC
What's that?
KELSO
I heard from in here.
THEY OPEN THE CLOSET DOOR. FEZ IS HANGING ON THE INSIDE OF IT, HOLDING A RED BALL.
FEZ
Oh, hello.
HYDE
Who the hell are you?
FEZ
I am the new foreign exchange student. The football team asked me if I wanted to "hang out". (THEN, SADLY) I shouldn't have said "yes". I can't feel my legs.
THE LOOK AT HIM. KELSO PICKS UP A BALL FROM FEZ.
ERIC
What are you gonna do?
KELSO
I'm gonna chuck it at him!
HYDE
Leave him alone.
HE GRABS FEZ AND GETS HIM DOWN.
HYDE
Look man, if those jocks try to do this to you again, just come find me.
FEZ
Thanks. You're my best friend. Let's hold hands.
HYDE
Uh, no. (TURNING AROUND, TO ERIC AND KELSO) Let's go.
THEY START TO WALK AWAY. FEZ STAYS ON HYDE'S HEELS. HYDE NOTICES, AND STOPS. FEZ STOPS. HYDE RUNS A FEW STEPS. FEZ RUNS A FEW STEPS. HYDE SIGHS, AND TURNS AROUND.
HYDE (CONT'D)
I'm Hyde.
ERIC
I'm Eric.
FEZ
Oh, you're the one who loves Donna.
ERIC
I do not! (SILENT) Damn.
FEZ
My name is (BELL RINGS; according to the That '70s Special, Fez says the names of all the characters on the show.)
HYDE
Okay, I'm not gonna remember that.
KELSO
I know. Let's call him Captain Poo Face.
HYDE GRABS THE BALL WHICH KELSO STILL HOLDS AND CHUCKS IT AT HIM. THEY START TO WRESTLE.
KELSO
Aw.. my eye! God.
ERIC
Yeah. This happens alot.
FEZ
I'm sure it does. (THEN) Donna-lover!
HYDE AND KELSO CONTINUE TO WRESTLE.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS (DAY)
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Extras)
THE GANG, MINUS ERIC, LAUGHS.
KELSO
I forgot about Captain Poo Face.
ERIC
And I did not like her then! Damn!
DONNA
You know what I love about Kelso? Hyde just keeps beating the crap out of him.
KELSO
Th-ahh. That is false. Sh. Name one time!
DONNA
With pleasure.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde)
THEY ALL SIT IN THE KITCHEN, EATING.
HYDE
(SIGHS) I love mashed potatoes.
KELSO
Oh yeah.
KELSO PUTS A MOUTHFUL OF MASHED POTATOES IN HIS MOUTH THAN SPITS IT OUT ALLOVER HYDE'S PLATE. THE HE LAUGHS.
ERIC
Uh-oh!
HYDE DROPS HIS KNIFE OR FORK AND ATTACKS KELSO, PULLING HIM ONTO THE FLOOR.
KELSO
Aw, not my eye!
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde)
THEY ALL ARE PLAYING BASKETBALL.
HYDE
Foul!
KELSO
You know what's foul? Your play.
HYDE ATTACKS KELSO AND DRAGS HIM ONTO THE GROUND.
KELSO
Aw, that's my eye!
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT
(Donna, Kelso, Hyde)
THEY ARE HANGING OUT. KELSO RUNS IN AND CHANGES THE CHANNEL ON THE TV.
HYDE
Change it back!
KELSO
No!
HYDE
CHANGE IT BACK!
KELSO
(MOCKING) NOOOOO!
HYDE ATTACKS KELSO AND DRAGS HIM ONTO THE FLOOR. WHILE DONNA CHANGES CHANNEL TO THE ORIGINAL ONE (??).
KELSO
Aw, my eye!
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS (DAY)
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Extras)
KELSO
(TO HYDE) Seriously man, you keep hurting my eye.
JACKIE
That's a terrible story. I'm not even in that one.
HYDE
That's what makes it good.
ERIC ENTERS.
ERIC
Okay people. Please remain calm. I'm still zit-free. I'm gonna make it. (TO THE HEAVENS) I'M GONNA MAKE IT!
DONNA
Okay, stop goofing around. We need to think of a better memory.
FEZ
(TO DONNA) What about the day I met you? All of you.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HALLWAY OUTISDE DONNA'S BEDROOM - DAY - 1976
(Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Fez)
HYDE, KELSO AND FEZ WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY.
KELSO
(TO FEZ) You're gonna like Donna, she's pretty cool man.
THEY GET TO HER DOOR. HYDE KNOCKS ONCE AND WALKS IN WITHOUT WAITING FOR A RESPONSE.
RESET TO:
INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
(Donna, Kelso (O.S.), Hyde, Fez)
DONNA IS IN THE MIDDLE OF CHANGING. WE SEE FROM BEHIND THAT SHE IS NOT WEARING A SHIRT. HYDE AND FEZ'S FACES LIGHT UP. KELSO IS STILL IN THE HALL.
DONNA
Hyde!
HYDE
Wow! Sorry. Wow!
FEZ
You're right, I Like her!
DONNA SLAMS THE DOOR IN THEIR FACES.
KELSO
No wait! I didn't see! Wait!
THEY CONTINUE TO KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS (DAY)
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Extras)
THE GANG, EXCEPT FOR DONNA, LAUGHS.
FEZ
Now, that's a good memory. Or should I say "mammary?" (LAUGHS)
KELSO
I don't want to remember that story. It just reminds me that I'm the only person here who's never seen Donna's jahoobs.
DONNA
Well, it's not like you never tried!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT - 1976
(Donna, Kelso)
DONNA SITS ON HER BED, READING. KELSO BARGES IN.
KELSO
Opps, sorry! (OFF DONNA) Aw, damn.
HE TURNS AND LEAVE.
FLIP TO:
INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT DAY - 1976
(Donna, Kelso)
DONNA SITS AT HER DESK. KELSO BARGES IN
KELSO
Opps, sorry! (OFF DONNA) Aw, damn.
HE TURNS AND LEAVE.
FLIP TO:
INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT DAY - 1976
(Donna, Kelso)
DONNA LAYS ON HER BED, DOING HOMEWORK. KELSO BARGES IN
KELSO
Opps, sorry! (OFF DONNA) Dammit!
HE TURNS AND LEAVE. AS DONNA THROWS A PEN AT HIM.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Extras)
JACKIE HITS KELSO ON THE SHOULDER.
HYDE
Hey, speaking of boobs. Forman's growing one out of his forehead.
THEY LOOK AT ERIC, WHO HAS A RED ZIT FORMING ON HIS FOREHEAD. HE REACHES UP AND FEELS IT.
ERIC
What?
FEZ
Oh, Eric. Your curse has returned.
DONNA
Yeah, and it needs a bra. (LAUGHS)
DONNA
Oh Yeah, Dolly Parton called your forehead, she want's her boob back.
THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON: ERIC'S NEW ZIT
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
* * *
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS (DAY)
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Extras)
ERIC UNHAPPILY EXAMINES HIS NEW ZIT IN A HAND MIRROR.
ERIC
God, I can actually see this thing growing. It's like.. Jiffy Pop.
KELSO
My friend once, he had a really big zit, he tried to pop it, all the pus went into his brain, and it killed him.
DONNA
Oh, really Kelso? What friend?
KELSO
You didn't know him.
DONNA
That's because he doesn't exist.
KELSO
'Cause he's dead now!
JACKIE
People! We are losing focus here. What is our quote going to be? And let's remember our goal is to have it be about me.
KELSO
I can't think about anything right now except Forman's zit. It's hypnotic (GRABBIG ERIC'S CHIN, PUSHING ERIC'S FACE FROM LEFT TO RIGHT) It sort of follows you around the room like Mona Lisa.
DONNA
Hey, you wanna know something that is funnier than Eric's zit? The day I met Jackie.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. GYM - DAY - 1973
(Eric (13), Donna (13), Kelso (13), Hyde (13), Jackie (12))
ERIC (13), DONNA (13), KELSO (13), HYDE (13), AND JACKIE (12) TALKS IN THE GYM, DONNA IS HOLDING A RED BALL.
JACKIE (12)
Hey, Donna. We haven't met before. I guess because I'm richer than you.
DONNA (13)
(THROWS THE BALL AT JACKIE) Hey Jackie.
JACKIE (12)
Aw, that hurt you lumberjack.
HYDE (13)
Welcome to public school!
JACKIE (12) RUNS AWAY WHILE THE GANG RETURNS TO IDLE CONVERSATION.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS (DAY)
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Extras)
ERIC LAUGHS.
ERIC
I can't believe I missed that.
JACKIE
(TO ERIC) You know when you laugh, you get a little wrinkle in your zit.
FEZ
It got personality.
ERIC
Well. What am I supposed to do? It hurts way too much to pop.
HYDE
Come here man, let me see it.
ERIC LEANS IN. HYDE THWACKS HIS ZIT. ERIC WRITHES IN PAIN.
ERIC
Quit it!
DONNA
Yeah! Kelso's "friend" died that way.
KELSO
Donna, he did!
DONNA
Whatever. Look, all I know is there gotta be a some good quote off Jackie getting hit in the head. Like, "Awesome, Jackie got hit in the head!"
JACKIE
No, no no. That was a stupid story. You know, I want to remember the happy times. Maybe something romantic.
KELSO
Ooh, like our first date.
JACKIE
Yeah. (WRAPPING HER ARM AROUND KELSO)
KELSO
Let me tell it.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FORMANS BASEMENT - DAY - 1968
(Eric (7), Kelso (7), Jackie (6), Red, Kitty)
ERIC (7) SITS ON THE COUCH NEXT TO A BLANKET FORT. GIGGLING COMES FROM INSIDE THE FORT. KITTY AND RED IS TALKING TO ERIC (7).
KITTY
Red, Michael is in a fort with another girl.
RED
All right, everybody out!
HE PULL UP THE BLANKET, KELSO (7) AND JACKIE (6) IS INSIDE. KELSO (7) WEARS A TOY STETOSCOPE.
KITTY
Michael Kelso, have you been playing doctor with the Burkhart girl?
KELSO (7)
No, I am a doctor.
RED
(LAUGING) Good one. (OFF KITTY'S LOOK, STERNLY) I mean, you are a very bad boy.
JACKIE (6)
(THROWS ARMS AROUND KELSO) Don't yell at him! I love him!
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Extras)
JACKIE TURNS TOWARDS KELSO.
JACKIE
Michael! That was not our first date!
KELSO
Yeah. But I got further on that day than I did on our actual first date, so that's what I like to remember.
ERIC
Yeah. You made a great impression on my parents that year.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - DAY - 1968
(Eric (7), Kelso (7), Red, Kitty)
KELSO (7) KNOCKS AT THE DOOR. RED OPENS IT. KELSO (7) IS STANDING THERE, WEARING A RED T-SHIRT BUT NO PANTS.
KELSO (7)
Hi, Mister Forman! Is Eric home?
RED
Uh, yes, but.. (CALLING OFF) Kitty?
ERIC (7) AND KITTY JOINS RED AT THE DOOR. THE BOTH LOOK AT KELSO.
KITTY
Oh, my. (LAUGHING) Michael, honey, did you maybe forget something?
KELSO (7)
What?
KELSO (7) LOOKS DOWN.
KELSO (7) (CONT'D)
My pants!
KELSO (7) RUNS OFF. THE FORMANS IS STANDING THERE LAUGHING, THEN KITTY CLOSES THE DOOR.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Extras)
THE GANG LAUGHS, KELSO DOESN'T.
KELSO
Why isn't anyone telling nice stories?
DONNA
Everyone can think of a quote, (I mean) why can't we?
HYDE
Hey, why don't we use Lisa Manning's. (OFF YEARBOOK) "Hangin' at the mall, Kahlua and ice cream, Bobby Sutton's a God - Yeah!"
ERIC
This is so sad. It's like.. what have we been doing with our lives?
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY - 1968
(Eric (7), Kelso (7), Hyde (7))
IT'S NOT SMOKEY. THEY ARE PLAYING CARDS.
HYDE (7)
Hey Kelso. Who's got stronger powers, I dream of Jeannie or Samantha from "Bewitched"?
KELSO (7)
That's easy. Samantha. Witches totally beat genies. 'Cause witches can fly. Game over.
ERIC (7)
Hey, why does Jeannie war those see-through clothes? It's gross. And it makes me feel funny.
WHIP PAN TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY - 1973
(Eric (13), Kelso (13), Hyde (13))
NOW IT'S SMOKEY. EVERYONE IS WEARING FUNNY GLASSES. HYDE (13) EATS PRETZELS.
HYDE (13)
No way is Samantha hotter than Jeannie! Hey, I heard they made an episode they never aired where Jeannie gets totally naked. The government banned it.
KELSO (13)
All I know is, with one little nose twitch, Samantha's clothes could be off! And that's hot.
ERIC (13)
What if you didn't have to choose? What if you could be with both... at the same time?
CAMERA REVERSES BACK TO KELSO.
KELSO (13)
(JAW HANGING OPEN, POSSIBLY DROOLING) Is that legal?
CAMERA REVERSES BACK TO HYDE.
HYDE (13)
Hey man, if you don't get caught, everything is legal! (OFFERING PRETZELS) Stolen pretzel?
WHIP PAN TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY - 1977
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez)
ERIC TAKES A BAG OF PRETZEL FROM OFFSCREEN.
ERIC
(LAUGHING) Guys, this conversation is over. Yesterday Samantha went back in time! That trums anything Jeannie ever did.
KELSO
Oh yeah? Well Jeannie can freeze time. So, Samantha would go back, but Jeannie can just freeze here there. Who kicked whose ass then?
HYDE
You know what would decide this whole thing? A little Samantha on Jeannie mud wrestling. I'd pay a dollar to see that.
FEZ
All I know is, Samantha helps Darrin at work, but what does Jeannie do for Major Nelson? Turns his boss into a monkey. That is not helpful.
PAN TO ERIC. DONNA PLOPS DOWN NEXT TO HIM.
DONNA
I've got to call Major Nelson's sexuality into question here. I mean any guy who's got a half-naked genie, he's going to have her doing more than his laundry.
PAN TO KELSO. JACKIE SITS ON HIS LAP.
JACKIE
You know what would be best? Samantha's hair, Jeannie's pretty bottle room and Wonder Woman's accessories. (BLOCKING SHOTS WITH IMAGINARY BRACELETS) Pew-pew, pew-pew.
HYDE
(GIGGLES) Hey, you guys. We've been talking about this for a really, really long time.
HYDE GETS ALOT OF PRETZELS THROWN AT HIM.
CUT TO: AN OVERHEAD CRANE SHOT OF THE GROUP, AS THEY ALL FALL BACKWARDS, LAUGHING.
MUSIC CUE: "TRUCING" BY THE GRATEFUL DEAD SWELLS FOR THE LYRIC "WHAT A LONG, STRANGE TRIP IT'S BEEN"
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Extras)
KELSO
I've got it. I got the quote. "What a long strange trip it's been... in Forman's basement!"
DONNA
Yeah, we have made a lot of memories in that basement.
HYDE
To bad we can't remember any of them.
ERIC
Allright, guys, I think it's ready. I'm off to pop!
HE GETS UP AND RUNS OFF
JACKIE
Wait a minute. I hate that quote. My name isn't anywhere in that quote.
KELSO
Okay fine, you know, I'll just make my quote. "What a long strange trip it's been... with Jackie Burkhart?"
JACKIE
Yeah, okay, but without the "long strange trip" part.
KELSO
Allright, so I'll just write...
JACKIE
"I love Jackie Burkhart."
KELSO
Okay.
JACKIE HUGS KELSO. ERIC RETURNS. HE HAS A HUGE RED MARK ON HIS FORHEAD.
ERIC
Okay, I did it. Looks better right?
DONNA/HYDE/KELSO/JACIE/FEZ
(COMPLIMENTS)
ERIC
Great. Allright. Picture Time.
DONNA
Yeah, I meat you guys in there. I gotta change my blouse. Everybody out.
EVERYONE EXITS BUT DONNA. THE DOOR CLOSES. A BEAT. KELSO BARGES IN.
KELSO
Oops, sorry!
DONNA
Kelso. We just talked about this today!
KELSO
Well damn, Donna. If you'd just let me see them, I'd stop.
DONNA
Fine.
DONNA OPENS HER SHIRT AND FLASHES KELSO.
KELSO
... they're beautiful...
KELSO FAINTS.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
FADE IN:
A SERIES OF PICTURES FROM THE CLASSPICTURES WHERE:
FEZ IS MOST LIKELY TO "PLAY 'PONCH' IN THE MUSICAL VERSION OF 'CHIPS'".
KELSO IS MOST LIKELY TO OWE YOU $500.
JACKIE IS MOST LIKELY TO DESTROY A TALANTED MAN'S POTENTIAL.
HYDE IS MOST LIKELY TO COMMIT INSURANCE FRAUD.
DONNA IS MOST LIKELY TO MOVE TO NEW YORK AND BECOME LOU REED'S RELUCTANT MUSE.
ERIC IS MOST LIKELY TO GO THROUGH A BARET WEARING PHASE AT COLLEGE.