TEASER MOVIE THEATRE (Kelso, Hyde, Fez and Eric
are sitting in a darkened theatre watching the screen with varied
expressions. Bad porno music plays in
the background.) FEZ: Oh, my first x-rated
movie. I don't know what's going on but
that is the luckiest pizza boy ever. HYDE: Yeah, I'll say. There's at least 9 boobs in this shot alone. KELSO: Guys, I feel
bad. I mean, Jackie finally takes me
back and I reward her by sneaking off to see some trashy
porno babes - (glances at screen) Oh
wow! That seems like it would tickle. FEZ: Ah, nothing's going to
happen in this scene, it's just 2 ladies.
(Fez and Eric watch for a beat and then their faces change to surprise. Voice almost cracking): Oh, Bravo, nice
plot twist! KELSO: I gotta go, I don't
think Jackie'd like me being here. FEZ: (shouting after Kelso) And
you should pick up your dress on the way out! ERIC: Oh.....wow! Does everyone do that? Because I don't do that. I just stick to 2 or 3 key moves and...god, they
don't even come close to that. FEZ: Oh Eric, I have not
done anything. But even I, had I done
anything, would have already done that. OPENING CREDITS BASEMENT (Kelso has his arms on
Jackie's shoulders to brace her as he lowers her to the couch. He sits across from her on Hyde's chair.) KELSO: Jackie, you know I
love you and you know how much I've changed, right? JACKIE: Oh, what'd you do? KELSO: I went to a stag
film. But then it turned out that there
weren't any stags at all. It was just
naked
people...having sex. Go ahead
and punish me. JACKIE: No, Michael, I'm not
gonna punish you. You were honest with
me and honesty should be rewarded. KELSO: Wow! I'm not in trouble and I get a reward? (moves next to her) Is it a cash reward? JACKIE: (laughs) No, Michael. The reward is feeling better about yourself. KELSO: Oh. FORMAN KITCHEN (Afternoon. Kitty is putting the topping on a pie. Red enters from the living room.) RED: Uhmm, smells good. Whatcha making? (heads to the fridge for a
beer) KITTY: Oh, a little lemon
meringue and pot roast and my sister, Paula, is coming and a 7 layer salad. RED: (smiles and joins her at the counter) Ah, 7 lay - Hey, wait a second! KITTY: Red, now, please be
nice. We haven't seen her in almost 6
years. RED: Yeah, not since she got
arrested. KITTY: No, no, no. Not arrested, detained. RED: She showed up in the
back seat of a police car with lights flashing. I had to tell the neighbors that she was the Mayor
of Cincinnati. (Horn honks.) KITTY: (jumping up and down, clapping):
Ooh, there she is! RED: You wait. She's gonna hit me up for money like she always
does. (They walk outside to see a pink car pulling into the driveway with a "Kathy May
cosmetics" logo painted across the
rear window. The car pulls to a sudden stop as you hear the sound of
something breaking.) That's gonna cost me. (A dark haired woman in a
matching pink dress suit steps out of the car and smiles at Kitty.) KITTY: Oh my god! PAULA: Kitty! KITTY: Look at you! (runs
over and hugs her) PAULA: I know, I know. I'm fabulous! KITTY: Oh my god! You're wearing stockings. Red, she's wearing stockings! Oh, oh, and matching shoes! PAULA: Oh, c'mon, Red! (walks
over to Red with outstretched arms) I
know you're dying for a nibble. RED: (kisses her on the cheek. With
forced enthusiam): Heh, heh, heh,
Paula. You're so...pink! PAULA: Oh well sure,
sure. I've gotta match my brand new
car. Go ahead, pet her. (Red steps over to the car
and pets it. Kitty steps up in between
them.) KITTY: Well, ooh, ooh, I
wanna pet her, too! RED: Why did you paint it
with Pepto Bismol? PAULA: It's not Pepto
Bismol, it's "Luscious Blushious" and only the top Kathy May
salesperson gets one of these
babies. RED: (points to her and smiles) So you stole it from her! PAULA: (laughs) I have all the
money that I owe you. Here it is. (She
reaches into her purse and hands Red a stack of bills.) KITTY: Oh, oh my god, you
have cash! Red she has cash. (Kitty
and Paula laugh and hug each other. Red looks at the money and starts counting it. Kitty sees and goes over to him,
embarrassed.) Honey, Red, Red,
Red. Really, y-you don't have to count
it. RED: Oh, of course (laughs), you're family! (Kitty turns back to Paula
and they hug enthusiastically.) PAULA: Oh, honey. Honey, honey. (Red turns his back and
continues counting the money.) BASEMENT, 360 KELSO: Honesty's cool,
man. It's like, I can do anything wrong
and then ask for forgiveness and then I'm good
again. Someone should invent a religion
like that. (Camera moves to left.) ERIC: Ok, so did anyone
besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely..... average? Like, you know, they were way,
way...."above average?" HYDE: Well, you don't go
into that line of work when you're below average. You just pray some hot, red-headed
neighbor girl likes you for your personality.
(Laughs wickedly.) FEZ: What are you talking
about? Those men were completely
average. In fact, I found the guy with
the moustache
downright puny. KELSO: See, now, Fez, that's
not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, is from
here on in I-I'm only tellin' the truth.
In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about
everything. FEZ: Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We
are ALL small in the pants! HYDE: (He raises an eyebrow and shrugs then turns his attention to
Kelso.) Kelso, this might be you're
best idea
ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies
you've ever told to Jackie - and I'll help
you. 'Cause alls I really want is for
you to be happy. ERIC: You guys, honestly,
you don't think Donna's, you know....bored, right? Cause those guys in the movie, they
didn't do the same move twice. And I've
done the same move, like... (dawns on him) ...always. KELSO: I bet they go to a
special school or something. I mean,
they're like Doctors at doing it. (Camera pans back to Eric.) KITTY: (from upstairs) Eric,
dinner! ERIC: Oh no. Now I have to act normal. (pauses) But I get to eat, yeah! (Laughs
and stands up funny.)
FORMAN KITCHEN (Everyone is sitting at the
dinner table eating. Paula is sitting
between Red and Kitty. Eric is quickly
picking off piece after piece of bread and shoving it into his mouth. He glances over at Paula and starts to speak with his mouth half
full.) ERIC: Aunt Paula, you look
great! And so pink! PAULA: Oh, Eric, you're so
cute! Here's 20 bucks. (Red and Kitty look up in
surprise. Eric takes the bill she
passes him and leans over to Kitty shielding his mouth with his hand as if he were going to whisper a
secret except his hand is on the wrong side leaving his mouth in full view.) ERIC: (in loud voice): Aunt Paula
is awesome! (He shoves the money into his pocket.) KITTY: So, Paula, tell me
more about the ship captain. PAULA: Oh, that was just a
fling. RED: Didn't you have a
fiance the last time we saw you? KITTY: Red, now, there is no
reason to re-hash ancient history is there? (Eric puts his hand to his chest like he's having a problem swallowing.) PAULA: No, it's ok. It turned out he lived on some sort of
commune where everyone called him God. And there
were - there were guns. And I really
could never figure out why god would need a gun. But there were some fun parties, whoo! (Red chuckles and Eric is
laughing extremely hard. He is still
shoving bread into his mouth.) ERIC: (loud and obnoxious): That's
hilarious! PAULA: Life has gotten so
much better since I moved to Indianapolis.
I mean, things move so much faster in the big
city. One day you're wondering if
you'll ever find happiness and the next your waving the starting
flag at the Indy 500. RED: (incredulous): You waved
the Indy flag? PAULA: Hm-hmn ERIC: (in awe): God, you're the
coolest! Mom, how funny is it that
while Aunt Paula was at Indy you were probably at,
like, Pricemart? (Kitty looks around
self-consciously and then gets up and starts clearing the table.) KITTY: Ooh, ooh, ooh, who
wants pie? It's meringue. PAULA: Well, enough about
me. Kitty, dear, what have you been up
to? (Kitty stands at the table
with the pie in hand. Eric is still
eating bread.) KITTY: Well, you know, it's
funny you should ask because we have been super, super busy - ERIC: (waves his hand cutting her off)
Oh, yeah, she quit her job.
She's not up to anything, it's kinda boring. So....
(moves over to Kitty's seat to be
closer to Paula) ...did you meet
Dick Trickle? KITTY: Eric! ERIC: (turns around and stares up at her blankly chewing like a cow. Shouting):
What? He's a race car driver! His name is Dick Trickle! Oh my god, listen to my voice! I'm so loud! (He grabs the pie that Kitty's still holding and sets it down on the
table and digs in with a giant bite.) RED & KITTY'S BEDROOM (Both are in bed. Kitty is looking at her old yearbook. Red is counting the money.) KITTY: Oh, well, will you
look at this? Here's me, Captain of the
Cheerleaders...Most Likely to Suceed... Best
Laugh. (laughs slightly) Oh,
here's Paula. (Kitty grimaces and Red
takes a look.) RED: What's that on her
cheek? KITTY: Oh, she had a little
sledding accident with her face that year. RED: Typical. KITTY: Ha, ha, I know. Things were so different then. FLASHBACK (Kitty turns the page of
the yearbook to see a picture of herself when she was younger. She stands smiling in a formal dress. Behind her a young Paula is wiping
at a huge stain on the front of her dress while her date stands next to
her. The picture comes to life in full color and a girl in a
yellow dress comes over and gives Kitty a hug.) SUZIE: Kitty! Oh, you so deserve this. You're the best! YOUNG KITTY: Oh, aren't you
sweet! Ha, ha, ha, ha. (Suzie walks away and a
young man approaches Kitty from behind.) BOY: Boy, oh, boy. Chet sure is lucky. He's got the the keenest girl in
school. YOUNG KITTY: Oh, stop. YOUNG PAULA: (comes up from behind with her date) Congratulations, Kitty. YOUNG KITTY: Oh, thanks
Paula. YOUNG PAULA: I knew you'd
win, you always do. YOUNG KITTY: No, not
always. (Kitty's boyfriend comes up
behind Kitty.) CHET: Well, I want a kiss
from the Queen. YOUNG KITTY: (turning)
Well, Chet, you have been an awfully loyal subject. (She
reaches up to kiss him. Behind them Paula continues to wipe away at the stain.) YOUNG PAULA: You guys, I'd
like you to meet my date, Marvin. (She turns around and sees him kissing Suzie. She speaks to him in the same unassuming
voice that seems to be her trademark): Marvin? Sweetie...sweetie? (She turns back around to
Kitty and Chet, shyly.) Okay. YOUNG KITTY: (trying to be encouraging): Okay!
(Camera closes in on young Kitty's
face with a concerned expression and switches
back to present-day Kitty with a similar expression.) END FLASHBACK KITTY: And now I'm a
housewife and she goes on cruises with Dick Trickle. RED: (with his attention still on the money) Well, you don't know what she's not telling you. I mean, just because she's more
successful than you doesn't mean that she's happy. KITTY: "More successful?" RED: Well, it's just that
she has so many... (looks up at Kitty and sees the venomous look on her face) And
she's-she's-she's very, uh... (laughs nervously and shoves the money in
Kitty's face) Look, money! ERIC'S BEDROOM (Close up of Donna and
Eric's faces. They are laying in bed
with Eric on top of Donna kissing her neck.) DONNA: I love it when you do
that. ERIC: Good to know, good to
know. And how about when I do
this? (The porno music plays and
the camera pans to the shelf above his bed and pauses on an action figure of
the Six Million Dollar Man holding his arm up.) DONNA: (from of camera): Jeez,
what the hell?! (Music scratches off. Donna sits up mad, wrapping the covers
around her.) ERIC: (a little breathless and dazed):
Ok, ok, I'll just go back up to the ear! DONNA: Get away from me you
pig! Where are my pants!
(Donna angrily gets out of bed, camera stays on Eric.) ERIC: What? Wait!
It was accident! (The door slams and Eric reaches back to
grab something from his headboard.) Look, I have a f-feather. FORMAN FRONT PORCH (Donna and Jackie are
sitting on the steps. Donna is
whispering something to a horrified Jackie.) JACKIE: He did?! What the heck for?! DONNA: I don't know! In, like, what universe is that sexy? JACKIE: Only one! The skinny pervert universe. (She
shudders.) DONNA: It was just so
strange. I mean, usually he just sticks
to, like, 2 or 3 key moves. JACKIE: You know, I bet it's
because of that nudie flick they saw yesterday. DONNA: They went to a
x-rated movie? JACKIE: (accusatory): Didn't Eric tell you? DONNA: No. (Jackie
shakes her head yes.) God, why
would Eric go see something like that?
I mean, is our sex
life so boring that he has to sneak around and watch other people do it? JACKIE: Donna, of course it
is. (She
puts her arm around Donna supportively and leans her head against Donna's.)
It's ok. FORMAN KITCHEN (Paula is busy at the front
counter rolling dough out. Kitty comes
in from the front room with a basket of laundry. She sees Paula and sets it down by the
phone.) KITTY: So, uhm, what's going
on here? Ha, ha, packing a picnic lunch
for your next African safari, ha, ha, ha, ha? PAULA: No, I thought I'd
make my strudel for the boys. God, you
know, it feels nice having people to cook
for. KITTY: Well, um... (she
walks to the sink and reaches over to get a mug for some coffee) ...sounds like your, uh,
jet-set life gets pretty lonely, huh? (Pours the coffee.) PAULA: No, I have lotsa
friends. KITTY: Oh, right,
right. (she joins Paula at the counter)
But, um, all the friends in the world don't make up for having
to come home from the Bahamas to an empty house, do they? PAULA: I actually enjoy my
privacy. KITTY: Hhm. Privacy / loneliness - it's a fine line,
isn't it? PAULA: Ok, Kitty. (She
puts down the rolling pin and faces her.)
Is something wrong? KITTY: Yes, something is
wrong. (Sets down her mug.) Why
are you here? PAULA: Because I missed
you. And I wanted you to see that I am finally....ok. (goes back to her strudel) KITTY: Ok or better than me? PAULA: (turns back to Kitty with an open-mouthed expression) Better than you? Oh, Kitty.
You're my sister and I
- OK, FINE! I'm finally a success and I
wanted to come back and rub your face in it and I did
and I liked it! KITTY: (surprised and a little hurt): Well
good for you. It must've been hard
living in my shadow because I was
popular and you weren't and I had a life and you didn't. That's right, I said it! You heard
me! You were a schlub! A SCHLUB!! (Both pause for a minute
not knowing what to say and then start laughing hysterically and hug each
other.) KITTY: Oh, I am so sorry! PAULA: Oh, I'm sorry, too! KITTY: Oh, I just don't know
what is the matter with me. (She starts patting the dough
vigorously.) I should be just
thrilled that you're finally on your feet and instead I'm just, I'm acting like
a jealous little ninny! PAULA: Kitty, (She stops and grabs her hand) would you
like a make-over? KITTY: Oh, I really would PAULA: Okay! KITTY: I-I won't look like a
whore, will I? PAULA: No, no. I promise. BASEMENT (Hyde is in his chair. Jackie and Fez are on the couch. Kelso is walking behind them.) KELSO: Ok, Jackie. There are some things I haven't been honest
about that I feel like you should know.
JACKIE: Ok. (looks
to Fez, then to Hyde) Why are they
here? KELSO: Well, Hyde helpfully
pointed out that it's not really honesty unless your friends are allowed to watch. (Hyde
smiles and nods at Jackie. Kelso picks
up a piece of paper from the table.) So, anyway, I
made a list. HYDE: (to Jackie): The list was
my idea. (She smiles back at him sarcastically.) KELSO: And thank you for
that, Hyde. Ok, so lets-let's just get
started. Um, that picture you saw of me
in
Kintergarden, those weren't puffy pants.
It was a big boy diaper. (Jackie
raises her eyebrows. Hyde and Fez look at each other and laugh.) TIME LAPSE (Kelso is leaning over the
arm of the couch where Jackie is.) KELSO: ...and that time you
came out of the shower and you thought you saw a flash - I did take your picture. (Jackie
looks away from glaring at Hyde to smile an insincere acknowlegdement at Kelso and looks away, uncomfortably.) TIME LAPSE (Fez is asleep on the couch
and Hyde is leaning on the washing machine eating a grape popsicle. Jackie is sitting on the chair by the door and Kelso is
sitting in front of her with his hand around her legs.) KELSO: This one time you
asked me if you had anything in you teeth and you did but I said no cause it's funnier that
way. (Jackie looks over at Fez unhappy then looks at down, silently.) TIME LAPSE (Hyde is in his chair with
a bowl of popcorn. Jackie is sitting on
the couch, Kelso sitting on the arm of the couch across from her and Fez is on the other chair.)
KELSO: ...when we were about
to fool around and I said that I had washed my hands but really I'd just got done playing with,
like, 6 dogs. (Jackie looks back at Hyde who is smiling to himself. Fez is looking at Kelso, disgusted.) But that's not
as bad as the time - JACKIE: (lunging forward) Ok,
Michael, stop! Ok, Michael, I think we
need to work on selective
honesty. FEZ: Yes, that and basic
hygiene. Seriously, good god man! (Fez
gets up and walks to the other side of room.) JACKIE: Michael, unless one
of your secrets involves kissing a girl I don't need to know about it. (She gets up and heads for the basement door.) KELSO: Ok, alright. (He
gets up to follow her but then turns back around to Hyde and Fez.) Oh, science fact: Dogs are cleaner than humans. (He
walks out the door triumphantly with a less-than- thrilled Jackie holding it open.) FORMAN DRIVEWAY (Red is by himself staring
woefully at the Kathy May Cosmetics car.) RED: Oh, you poor, pink
bastard. (Kitty appears from the kitchen wearing a purple top and a matching flower in her hair with her make-up done.) Well, well, what
have we here? (She strides to the trunk of the car and sits on it, posing.) Alright, I got
20 minutes till my wife comes back so, uh, pucker up. (She
laughs and he kisses her. Paula steps
out of the kitchen with her suitcase in hand.) PAULA: Ok, you two
lovebirds, I'm off. Oh, bye-bye
Red. (Red turns around wearing lipstick on his lips and smiling.
Paula kisses him on the cheek.) KITTY: (jumps down off the car and hugs Paula) Oh Paula. Thank-you
so much. PAULA: Oh, oh, Kitty. What are sisters for, huh? (She
starts walking to her car.) I'll,
uh, talk to you in a couple of
days. And you remember what I said,
"Cherchez la vie pour vivre la vie!" KITTY: (with a heavy english accent):
"Oui, oui ma soeur."
(Red looks at Kitty
surprised. Paula backs out of the
driveway and they smile and wave.) RED: So what's with all the
french? (suspiciously): Did she
call me something? KITTY: No! She said "search for life to live
life," which is my new motto.
Paula made me see that I have been in a
rut. But the good is from now on I'm
just going to explore life. (She smiles widely with an almost delirious expression at the thought. She looks a little crazy.) RED: But you're - (looks
at the expression on her face and starts laughing for a minute) - you're all pretty now with your big,
red lips. Isn't that enough? KITTY: Oh, I love you Red
Forman. (She reaches up and kisses him.
Seriously): And no. (She
goes back inside.) RED: (calling after her): All
right, fine! But if you paint my car
pink it's over! ERIC'S BEDROOM (Eric is standing in front
of the mirror holding his nose up with his fingers to examine the inside of his
nostrils. Donna walks in and he stops quickly and turns
around to face her.) ERIC: Oh hey, I was just
looking at...Hey! DONNA: Ok...where did you
get the idea to... (looks around uncomfortably and shuts the door, lowering her voice):
...do
what you did?! ERIC: I went to see this
movie and it was a...well I guess you could call it an art film. DONNA: Eric! doing all these
things that we've never done and it seemed like they really enjoyed doing this
one thing
especially. And I just thought, you
know, who would enjoy doing that one thing especially...? My Lady. DONNA: (calmly) Eric, listen to me
because this is gosh darn important.
You don't do that, not without asking. ERIC: So...if I had asked - DONNA: The answer's still
no! (Goes
and sits on the edge of the bed.) Eric,
are you bored with our sex life? ERIC: (joins her on the bed) Oh,
god no! Just the opposite, I figured
that you had to be bored. And it was our hundredth
time, I just wanted to do something special.
DONNA: Oh my god, that's so
sweet! (She smiles and kisses him.)
But do me a favor, next time you're gonna do
something weird give me a little more warning...so I can brace myself...or tell
you to back the
hell off. ERIC: Right. DONNA: Because no matter how
much I love you...that was unpleasant. (Donna crosses her arms protectively over herself at the thought.) TAGLINE FORMAN DRIVEWAY (Close-up of Kelso) KELSO: I'm sorry you guys
but I can't hangout. I gotta go meet
Jackie. (He turns around to walk away and we see that he is talking to 6 dogs that are
sitting in the driveway. He glances
back at them and smiles, relenting.) Aw, don't look at me like that. All right, 5 more minutes but that is it. (He gets down on the ground and starts playing with
the dogs.)
Come on here! Who wants to show me their
belly, huh? C'mon. Come here, buddy! Arf, arf, arf, arf, arf, arf.
(starts kissing them and chasing them on all fours) Come here, baby. Who's my little baby? Huh?
Who's my little
baby? Arf, arf, arf, arf, arf. (He
crawls after them down the driveway.)
THE END
ERIC: Ok, fine, Donna, it was an
x-rated film. And - it just - there
were all these people and they were