Forman
Basement (Eric,
Donna, Kelso, and Fez are watching “What’s Happening” on TV) ERIC: Oh Rerun’s not smart. FEZ: What’s Happening? I’ll tell you what’s
happening—hilarity. KELSO: Yeah no kidding. (imitating
someone on the show) “Hey Hey Hey!” That’s just funny man. (Hyde
exits his room) HYDE: Hey, hey can you guys keep it down a
bit please? DONNA: Hyde there’s lipstick on your chin. FEZ: Hyde, why are you putting lipstick on
your chin? It’s for your lips. ERIC: Hey, maybe he’s got a girl back
there. So Hyde, who’s the lucky lady? HYDE: I never kiss and tell. It’s Kat Peterson. DONNA: Yeah right, you’re in your bedroom
with the most popular girl in school. FEZ: Yeah, what happened to Farrah Fawcett?
Did her car break down? HYDE: Look, just keep it down alright?
You’re killing the mood. (Goes back to
his room) FEZ: Hyde there’s no mood because there’s
no one back there. (Jackie
enters and kisses Kelso on the cheek) JACKIE: Hey Michael. Ok so we’re all set
for our big dinner party! KELSO: (unenthusiastically)
Oh yea, the big dinner party. JACKIE: (as
she hands an invitation to Donna) So here… DONNA: (reading
the invitation) “You and a guest are cordially invited for an evening of
cocktails, dinner, and TV.” JACKIE: The attire is semi-formal-casual. FEZ:
Ah, finally I can wear my tuxedo T-shirt. JACKIE: Uh sorry Fez, I forgot to invite
you and Hyde. FEZ: Oh, but it’s never too late. JACKIE: Ok bye! (Jackie leaves) KELSO: Don’t worry Fez, I’m sure you and
Hyde can come. (Jackie
reenters) JACKIE: No Michael, they can’t. KELSO: Ok, I get it. They can’t come. (He grins at Fez) JACKIE: Come with me. (She drags him out by the ear) Nooo!! ERIC: Ok, I’ll give you a hundred bucks if
you don’t make me go to this party. DONNA: Show me the hundred. ERIC: Damn!! FEZ: Well, the party’s tomorrow night so I
better go home and start putting on cologne now. (Fez leaves) (Hyde
and Kat Peterson emerge from Hyde’s room) KAT: So, that was fun. HYDE: No, Disneyland is fun, that was
nasty. (They
kiss and she leaves) DONNA: Oh my god Hyde, Kat Peterson, nice. HYDE: Yup, she’s slumin’ it, I’m lovin’ it. Opening
Credits Forman
Kitchen KITTY: Honey, would you go to Bob and
Midge’s and get my casserole dish? I’m making Tuna Surprise tonight. RED: Well now that I know, you’ve ruined
the surprise. (They both start laughing) KITTY: It’s for Scrabble night. Bob and Midge love Tuna Surprise. RED: Yeah, but I don’t love Bob and Midge. KITTY: Well Red I have to keep inviting
them over, they keep inviting us. RED: That’s because you keep inviting
them. Somebody’s got to break the chain
or it’ll go on forever. KITTY: Red, they’re the only friends we
have since you made Phyllis cry. RED: I didn’t say anything about Phyllis’
weight that the whole room didn’t already know. Forman
Back Porch JACKIE: Donna, I’m going to have dinner
parties all the time when I’m Mrs. Michael Kelso, Esquire. Just think about it. DONNA: Do it have to? JACKIE: Oh shhh….. Jackie’s Dinner Party Fantasy (Everyone is dressed elegantly as Jackie, Eric and
Donna gather around the piano to listen to Kelso, who is playing and singing) KELSO: (singing) “So there’s sprinkled moon dust
in your hair and golden starlight and
your eyes are blue…” JACKIE: (singing) They’re brown. KELSO: (singing) I know. (Everyone laughs pompously) ERIC: (holding a pipe) Oh Kelso, you little so
and so. I’d nary a notion of your songbird ways, having thought you merely a
captain of industry and a king among men. KELSO: (holds a monocle to his eye) Eric, cease
your fawning and let us discuss the fox hunt. But first, I crave a French
pastry, where’s the help? (He claps his
hands) (Fez enters in a butler uniform) FEZ: Apologies
good sire, I was in the stables brushing the horses, secretly entertaining the
notion of a sensual tryst with a lady. (Everyone laughs pompously) ERIC: Top
drawer! Top drawer! Fade to Forman Porch JACKIE: (Laughing pompously) Top drawer, top
drawer….. Pinciotti Kitchen (Red enters) RED: Hello?? (He takes the casserole dish and notices Bob
with his head in the sink) Oh, hey Bob. (Bob turns around and is bald except for some hair
around the sides. He sees Red, immediately puts his head back in the sink, and
puts on his toupee. The toupee isn’t
put on correctly) BOB: Oh, hi Red. (Red, open mouthed and bewildered, takes the casserole
dish and exits) Jackie’s Living Room (Eric looks bored as Kelso plays “Chopsticks” on the
piano. Kelso keeps messing up the song. Jackie walks over to the piano) JACKIE: (hissing in a low tone) Stop it! ERIC: You know
what might make this party a little more fun? Sweet death. (There’s a knock on the door. Jackie goes to open it. It’s Hyde and Fez. Fez is wearing his tuxedo T-shirt) JACKIE: Hyde!
Fez! MICHAEL!! KELSO: Oh good,
it’s Hyde, Fez, and Michael. HYDE: Hello
fellas, what’s to eat? FEZ: Are these
melon balls for anyone? JACKIE: Why are
they here? KELSO: I invited
them because you’re always discussing manners and I wanted to be mannerly. HYDE: He’s
mannerly. (People start streaming into Jackie’s house) KELSO: Hey
Chuck! Oh no, Chuck’s here. JACKIE: Why? Why
Michael? Why would invite all these people? How could you do this? KELSO: Well, I
was thinking that if a party with 10 people was fun, then a party with 30
people would be twice as much fun. JACKIE: Michael,
I didn’t want twice as much fun, I wanted a small, classy party. KELSO: Jackie,
just because there’s a couple more people doesn’t mean it can’t still be
classy. TIMMY: Hey
everybody, I’m taking off my pants!! (He
pulls down his pants and starts dancing around) Forman Kitchen KITTY: No hair? RED: None…well,
a little. KITTY: Well what
are we talking about here Red? Is it Ed Asner bald or Charlie Brown bald? RED: Geez Kitty, I don’t know. I barely looked. KITTY: Ok I need
a visual aid. (She goes and gets “Wooly Willy” a magnetic sketch pad) RED: It was so
uncomfortable. I mean, a toupee is a
pretty big lie, Kitty. KITTY: Ok here,
show me on Wooly Willy. (Red starts sketching) Uh huh, ok, uh
huh (Red shakes the board so all the hair
falls of Wooly Willy, this is what he shows her as the final product) KITTY: (astonished) Really?? Jackie’s Living Room (The party is in full swing with kid’s dancing all
over the place.) (Donna puts her glass on the piano without a coaster) ERIC: (picking up her glass and putting it on a
coaster) Hey, hey, would it kill you to use a coaster? Bunch of wild
hooligans here. DONNA: Oh, sorry
Red. ERIC: Well, you
know, it was gonna leave a ring. DONNA: That’s so
true Kitty. Eric, look this isn’t your house.
You aren’t going to get in trouble for any of this so loosen up. ERIC: Yeah, I
guess I could do that. (he moves the glass from the coaster) Oh
my god, it’s like I’m seeing colors I’ve never seen before. (Kat Peterson enters with her friends) HYDE: Hey Kat, want
a beer? KAT: No…thanks (gives her friends a look like she can’t
believe Hyde would be talking to her and starts to laugh) HYDE: She just
blew me off man? Do you believe that? FEZ: Yes I do. I
really, really do. (Jackie enters) JACKIE: Michael,
are they drinking out of my parent’s crystal? KELSO: Yeah
Jackie, they were trying to drink straight from the bottle and I said ‘No, no,
use the crystal, cause it’s classy.’ JACKIE: Michael
I’m going to go upstairs and feel sorry for myself and you, you are gonna fix
this. KELSO: Fix it?
Jackie, you’re having the party of the year here. (Jackie stomps on his foot and leaves) KELSO: (screaming in pain) Damn, I do not get
women! FEZ: Yes,
neither does Hyde, right Hyde? (laughs) Jackie’s Bedroom (Jackie’s sitting on her bed, upset and crying. There’s a knock at the door and Donna
enters) DONNA: You ok? JACKIE: Donna
please, I really don’t want to talk about Michael. Ok, so what is your honest
opinion about Michael? DONNA: Umm, by
honest you mean… JACKIE: Donna,
please learn to listen. DONNA: Ok fine,
honestly, you have certain expectations of Kelso that may not be entirely
realistic. You want him to be sophisticated and smart, but actually he’s
unsophisticated and unsmart. (Jackie gasps in horror and disbelief) RANDOM GUY: (rising up behind Jackie and Donna) Hey
you guys are really bringing down the make out room. Forman Kitchen (Red, Kitty, Bob, and Midge play Scrabble in
uncomfortable silence, as the screen flashes to everyone’s letters) Red’s letters
spell B-A-L-D-I-N-G (Red and Kitty keep glancing at Bob’s head) Kitty’s letters
spell A-B-A-D-R-U-G (Kitty takes a large gulp of wine) Bob’s letters
spell S-H-O-O-T-M-E MIDGE: Well, I’m
gonna have to pass, I’ve got nothing. (Midge’s
letters are Z-Y-G-O-T-E-S) Jackie’s Living Room HYDE: Would you
look at her Fez, acting like she’s hot stuff? So she’s really good looking and
everyone likes her, I’m real impressed. FEZ: Yeah, I
know how it is. You think you know
somebody, but then it turns out he lied about making out with Kat Peterson. ERIC: (he’s clearly loosened up and had some
drinks) Hyde! Fez! What is this a funeral? Why aren’t you guys getting
down? FEZ: Well my
friend, Hyde is way too lovesick to get down. HYDE: Love? I
don’t love her man. I just think we
should be having sex and all because she’d enjoy it. ERIC: Hyde, I’m
not a doctor, but I play one on TV. (He
starts laughing and can’t continue his sentence) But seriously Hyde, this
is a party, so loosen up… (As he says this, he spills most of his drink
into the trashcan) Like me, whoopsie daisy! KELSO: Man, I
wish Jackie would loosen up. She’s
throwing a great party down here and she’s missing it. FEZ: Kelso you
don’t get it, huh? This party meant the world to Jackie and you crapped on it. HYDE: Alright,
ease up on Kelso, huh? KELSO: Thanks
Hyde. HYDE: Yeah, so
you did something horrible, but it’s Jackie, so who cares? KELSO: No wait,
what are you saying? HYDE: I’m saying
you burned her man, royally. Nice job. KELSO: But no,
man, I didn’t want to burn her. I invited all these people to her party so it
would be fun, to make it good. FEZ: She didn’t
want a good party, she wanted her party. KELSO: You know
what? You’re right Fez. Alright, this party’s over. Everybody out! ERIC: No, Kelso,
what are you saying man? Think! KELSO: You know
what guys? For the first time in my life, I think I am thinking. (He throws his cigar in the trashcan) You
know I’m in danger of ruining the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and
I am not going to let that happen. (Everyone but Kelso looks to see the trashcan erupting
into flames) HYDE: Kelso… KELSO: Do not
interrupt me, this is important! From now on, I’m going to put Jackie’s needs
first and she’s going to be so proud of me! (Hyde points to the trashcan and Kelso finally see the
fire) KELSO: Whoa! (He dumps more alcohol on the fire in an
attempt to put it out, the fire gets even bigger) WHOA MAN, THIS IS A
RAGER! Give me your brandies. (He keeps
dumping alcohol on the flames) WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! (Jackie and Donna walk down her hallway, toward the
party) JACKIE: God, how
dare you say that about me and Michael!? DONNA: Jackie,
you wanted my honest opinion. JACKIE: Your
honest opinion that we’re great together. Look, you were wrong about
Michael. He knows he made a mistake and
he’s going to make it up to me. You wait and see. (Flash back to Jackie’s living room. “Disco Inferno” plays are smoke fills the
room and Kelso tries to put out the fire with a pillow. Jackie and Donna enter) KELSO: Uh
Jackie, where’s the fire extinguisher? (He
starts blowing on the fire) Forman Kitchen MIDGE: S-I-T.
That’s “sit.” KITTY: Oh my,
yes it is…again. BOB: Yeah, Midge
has got quite a lead. MIDGE: Your turn
Red. RED: Ok
fine. “Cue ball” (He looks at Bob) I’m sorry Bob, I uh…. BOB: Sorry? Why
apologize to me? I like billiards. Billiards are fun. Ok, so you all know. MIDGE: I don’t
know anything. BOB: I wear a
toupee. MIDGE: Bob! If
you tell them, they’ll know! BOB: I wear a
rug, so what? (uncomfortable silence) KITTY: You
know…..I wish I had a toupee. You know, because you know, the way my hair is
sometimes. RED: Look Bob,
being isn’t something a man has to hide from.
A toupee is just silly. MIDGE: I keep
telling him that if he grew as much hair on his head as he does on his back,
he’d have a full head of hair! BOB: I know it’s
silly, I guess I’m vain. Every morning I wake up wishing I had the courage to
walk around looking like you. (Red looks
slightly insulted) But I don’t, Red. I don’t. I guess that makes me a bad
person. RED: Look Bob, I
didn’t mean to make you…. BOB: No, no, you
know what? You’re right Red, you’re right. Maybe it’s time I stop living the
lie. (He takes off his toupee and puts it
on the table) KITTY: (She tries to hold in her laughter and makes
strange noises) Sinuses. (Everyone but Bob starts laughing) RED: Alright,
alright. I was wrong, you need the
toupee. Put it back on. (Bob puts his toupee on as everyone looks on and
laughs) Jackie’s Living Room (Most everyone is gone. Eric lies on the piano as Timmy plays for him) ERIC: (singing and using a trophy as a microphone)
‘Hey, hey Donna, I wanna sing to you, hey hey hey Donna, no one else will
ever do, I’ve waited so long for (voice
cracks) school to be through, Donna, Donna, I love you (in a high pitched voice) hey hey Donna!!” DONNA: Eric, get
down off there right now! ERIC: What’s the
problem Donna? TIMMY: Yeah,
what’s the problem Donna? DONNA: Timmy, go
get your pants on or I’ll beat the crap out of you! (Timmy runs out of the room) Eric, remember when I told you to
loosen up? ERIC: Oh yeah
baby. DONNA: (she’s grabs the trophy from him) Well,
tighten up baby. When the house is on fire, the party’s over. ERIC: Well, hey,
this was your idea. DONNA: Eric, I
told you to loosen up, not act like a dink. ERIC: Well I’m new
at this (he grabs the trophy back) so
sue me. (He starts singing) Sue, sue, sue me!! Sue me Donna! DONNA: Eric! (Kat Peterson and her friends walk down the hall. Hyde
and Fez are talking in the doorway. Kat’s friends leave.) KAT: Hello
Steven. HYDE: Oh, I see
how this is gonna be. So when you’re with your little clique, you’re too good
for me. KAT: Right, but
they’re gone now, so….hi. HYDE: You know,
for a rich girl, you’re kind of skanky. Come on, let me show you the garage. (They leave together) FEZ: (yelling after them) That proves
nothing! Son of a bitch. (Kelso picks feathers up off the floor of Jackie’s
living room. Jackie enters, sees Kelso, and turns to leave.) KELSO: Wait Jackie, I owe you an apology. I just
wanted to help tonight and I guess I blew it. I’m sorry. JACKIE: Yeah,
lately you’ve been sorry a lot Michael. KELSO: Yeah, but
this time I mean it. FEZ: Actually,
he does. He felt very bad and said tender words about you and then, he set your
house on fire. See he loves you, but he’s just, he’s just stupid. KELSO: Thank you
Fez. FEZ: Sure. KELSO: Jackie, I
do love you and I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy with me. JACKIE: Yeah,
well I’m beginning to think that you’re never going to make me happy. KELSO: What are
you saying? JACKIE: I’m
saying I have a lot of thinking to do. (She
leaves) KELSO: Whoo,
dodged a bullet there, huh Fez? (Fez plays an ominous tune on the piano and shakes his
head at Kelso) Jackie’s Living Room (Eric and Kelso sit on the couch. Eric’s shirt is open.) KELSO: Nothing
good came out of this night, although I did find out that brandy’s flammable. ERIC: Yeah, that’s worth knowing. Oh and uh,
gasoline for future reference. (The screen splits in half, with a shot of Jackie and
Donna in Jackie’s bedroom) KELSO: I just
don’t get chicks, man. JACKIE: God
Donna, men are stupid. (Jackie and Kelso say the following lines at the same
time) JACKIE: How can
they not know what we want? I think they know what we want, but they just won’t
give it to us. You know? KELSO: They want you to give them what they want,
but you can’t know what they want because they won’t tell you. You know? DONNA: It’s so
simple. ERIC: Yeah, it’s
confusing, huh? DONNA: Oh my
god, the most horrifying moment, Eric sang to me. ERIC: Hey, I
sang to Donna. Yeah, she kinda melted. I mean, she called me a dink, but I
don’t think she meant it. DONNA: Eric was
such a dink tonight. And I mean it. JACKIE: Totally. KELSO: Totally. THE
END