-He was smiling at Bill when Dana 
emerged abruptly from her bedroom, a hairbrush forgotten in her hand.

She took in the scene with her heart pounding. Mulder and Bill in the same room. 
Alone.

And smiling at each other.

She blinked rapidly for a minute. Now they were both staring at her. And 
smiling. Weirdness.

"Who wants breakfast?" she asked sweetly before cutting her eyes to Mulder. "You 
raise your hand with a yes or I'll--"

"--break my arm, I know, I know." He waved a hand obediently. 

Bill laughed. "Jeez, you two argue like you're married or something."

"Well, the way I have to watch after him sometimes we might as well be."

Mulder nodded to Bill. "Suits me just fine. From what I hear, married people 
don't have sex, either."

Bill's witty reply was cut short by the explosion of the hairbrush impacting the 
wall above Mulder's head with a bang a little too hard to be playful.

-She ignored him. "Are we ready for that shower?" 

"This part of that 'we' is. How about your half?"

"Mulder."

"Well, since you apparently don't think it's safe for me to sleep alone don't 
you think--"

"Mulder, it is so important for your personal safety that you not finish that 
sentence."

-She stood and stretched luxuriously. Oh, well. Time to get the show on the road. 
And Mulder in the shower. 

Daylight filtered in through the curtain near the bed. She snapped off the 
bedside lamp and shook his arm.

"Muld-- Oh!"

The room did a double loop and she found herself flung on the bed, penned down 
by his weight and staring down the business end of a 9mm Glock. It was an 
impressive view. 

"Good morning," she said, catching her breath. 

Mulder stared at her a second longer then swore. "Damn, Scully, don't you ever 
knock?"

-They sat in silence several minutes. Bill inspected his nails, picked lint from 
his coat and generally fidgeted until Dana's look stopped him cold.

He cringed playfully then pointed to his ear. "You're missing an earring."

She reached up and verified the information absently. "Probably fell off when 
Mulder threw me onto the bed--" Her face blanched white then turned several 
shades of brilliant red. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I mean, it's 
not what you think."

Bill's face was expressionless. "I'm not thinking anything. Should I be thinking 
anything?"

"Bill, there's nothing going on between myself and Mulder."

"Uh, huh," he was enjoying this. "That's what I thought." 

"Mulder and I--"

"Speak of the devil," Bill quipped as Mulder's footsteps echoed back up the 
hall.

"I'm sorry you guys had to wait like that--"

"Oh, that's okay," Bill smiled sweetly. "Dana was just trying to explain how she 
lost her earring in your bed."

Mulder turned pale and stayed that way. He stared at Scully, keeping Bill at 
several arm lengths and well aligned in his peripheral vision. "Scully, if you 
want me dead, don't wait for your family to do it, just shoot me yourself. God 
knows you've had the practice."

Scully rolled her eyes from the ceiling to her brother. "It was a joke, Bill."

"Mulder's not laughing." Bill was.

"This is insane. Bill, next time, you're staying home." Then to Mulder: "Did you 
get to see Dr. Bruner?"

Mulder shook his head. "They won't let me in. Apparently, he's had several 
psychotic episodes and--"

"He's a patient? You're consulting with a mental patient?"

"Maybe he can find your earring."

"Shut up, Bill."

-"Scully, you should have been in class today, you would have 
loved it, one of my skeptics got into a heated debate with one 
of my believers. . ."

     squeak-squeak        squeak-squeak       squeak-squeak

Mulder suddenly stops, "What the hell is that squeaking?"

Scully places a bottle of water in front of Katherine.  "That 
sound is coming from your son."

Mulder frowns, "I suggest we oil him."

Scully sighs, "I've already tried that, it didn't do any good.  
His springs are just too big."

    squeak-squeak        squeak-squeak        squeak-squeak

Mulder gets the strangest look on his face as Scully continues, 
"You think this is bad, I've had to listen to this for the past 
two hours."

    squeak-squeak        squeak-squeak         squeak-squeak 

Mulder grabs her by the shoulders and looks down into her eyes, 
"Scully, what are you talking about?"

    squeak-squeak        squeak-squeak         squeak-squeak

"Mom bought William a bouncing horse at the church rummage sale 
and he's been riding it ever since, and he's driving me nuts 
with all that squeaking."

-"Hey Scully, Guess what?  I saw my poster displayed in one of the
shops.  Want me to get it for you?"

Agent Scully recovered smoothly and turned to look up at him.

"No thanks.  My poster should probably say 'I want proof,' don't you think?"

-"Any ideas at all of how we're going about this?"
Mulder finally spoke, "I believe it was my personal hero Han Solo who said, 
'I'm making this up as I go along.'"

-When Scully appeared in his room, he was visibly relieved. "Thank 
God, Scully. I-I don't know where I am. Am I awake? You were taken -
but...That's not right, is it? I-"

She interrupted him with a hand on his arm. "It's just a bad dream, 
Mulder. We're in Iowa on a case and I'm right here. Come on, let's 
get you back to bed. It'll all be clearer in the morning."

Mulder's gaze flickered to Skinner as Scully gently urged his lanky 
form to bed, "You're never in my nightmares. Why are you here?" His 
gaze returned to Scully. "Why's Skinner here, Scully?" Mulder's voice 
was the voice of a small child who wanted to know why the sky was 
blue.

Scully looked in Mulder's eyes as she sat by his side.

"I don't know, Mulder. It's your dream. Why is Skinner here?" She 
brushed a lock of hair back from his face.

Mulder thought for a moment and then suddenly smiled. "I know. I 
brought him here to protect you. I don't know why I didn't do this 
before. He'll watch you while I sleep." Mulder shut his eyes, happy.

Scully couldn't help it. She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Mulder, I 
can take care of myself."

-Skinner sat in his office, silently staring at the far wall, plotting.
He resisted the sudden comical urge to cackle evilly.
His plan was almost complete.

-The muddy troop stomped into Maggie's entryway. 
Scully and Bill, familiar with their mother's protocol in such 
matters, immediately began to shed their filthy clothing. 
For Scully this meant only her shoes and socks, but Bill continued 
stripping down and piling his clothes on the now soiled entryway. 
Scully stepped away onto the carpeted area, next to her mother. 
The women regarded Skinner and Mulder with identical raised eyebrows. 
"Well?" Maggie said. 
Skinner and Mulder looked at one another. 
Skinner said it first, "What?" 
"The rule is that all muddy clothing must left at the door. It is a 
long-standing rule in my household made from having children who play 
football and wrestle in the yard." 
Scully's mouth quirked at the sight of Skinner's mouth falling open. 
*Never thought I'd live to see Skinner flustered* 
Scully shook her head, smiling. 
Mulder was looking at her with an embarrassed, but amused, look on 
his face. 
He shrugged and reached up and pulled the mud-soaked shirt from his 
back. 
Skinner squinted at the two women standing on the carpet, arms 
crossed and trying not to smile. 
He cleared his throat. One was his date and one was his subordinate. 
And they were going to see him in nothing but his underwear. 
He wondered why it didn't bother Mulder. 
Skinner turned to look at him. 
Mulder paused in mid-unzip to translate the weird look Skinner was 
giving him. 
"Oh," he figured it out, "Well, its nothing she hasn't seen before," 
Mulder said, gesturing towards Scully, who then blushed deeply and 
dropped her eyes. 
"And, she's practically adopted me," Mulder waved his hand at Maggie 
Scully, whose smile deepened with affection toward him. 
Satisfied with his explanation, Mulder stripped off his jeans and 
stood expectantly in his black boxer briefs. 
Bill Scully was scowling at him from where he stood in his white, 
cotton boxers. 
"What?!" Mulder said, "What the hell did I do now?" 
"Nothing she hasn't seen before?!" Bill responded through gritted 
teeth, "How nice of you to mention that in front of her MOTHER." 
Mulder closed his eyes in resignation. 
"Give me a break, Bill," Mulder's eyes popped open at Scully's voice. 
Maggie Scully didn't say anything. She was too busy watching Walter 
Skinner strip. 
Skinner finally stood beside his own pile of muddied clothing, clad 
in only his briefs. 
*Why didn't I wear boxers?* 
Skinner blushed to the top of his bald head when he looked up and saw 
Maggie regarding him with a steady gaze. 
To his utter shock, she turned to her daughter and said in a stage 
whisper, 
"See, there are advantages to dating a younger man." 
Bill Scully and Mulder nearly fell over in shock as Scully's stunned 
laughter reverberated off the walls. 
Bill's face had paled at his mother's brazenness. 
"Mother!" 
"Oh, Bill, calm down! It was just a joke!" Maggie sternly faced her 
son. 
Bill blinked several times. 
*Of course it was just a joke...my mother's a good Catholic 
woman...right? And at least Skinner was having the grace and respect not to smirk...* 
He regarded Skinner, who was studiously looking at his own feet. 
A hush fell over the group as the sirens that had caused the group to 
flee indoors obviously entered the street and drew closer. 
Maggie clapped her hands decisively, "Alright, Walter and Fox can use 
the upstairs bathrooms and Bill, you can use the half bath down here 
to clean up a little while you wait for one of them to be done." 
Three underwear-clad males stared at her in confusion at the sudden 
change in topic. 
Scully stepped forward and pulled on Mulder's arm, "Come on, Mulder. 
I'll show you where everything is...you too, sir." 
She reached out another hand and pulled Skinner by his wrist. 
Mulder swallowed back a laugh at their situation as he watched his 
petite, female partner manhandle their imposing, brief-clad 
supervisor toward the stairs. 
Skinner squinted at him menacingly. 
"Don't even think about it, Mulder." 
Mulder wiped the almost-smile from his face... 
happyness- shawntaw

-"Don't you have a partner or something?"

"Who?  Scully?"

He jumped as his cell phone rang shrilly on the table.  "That's
her now, I'll betcha."

"Her?"  Claire asked, undeniably interested.  "Scully?"

As the phone rang again, he shushed her.  "Say her name a third
time, and you might just invoke her."  His grin felt wide and
drunken.  "Scully."

It rang again.  No Scully.  He laughed deliriously.  "It didn't
work."

She handed him the phone indulgently.  "Maybe you should
answer it."

Of course.  He lifted it to his ear. "Scully?"  Nothing.  He snorted
to himself and made a failed attempt at drunken charm. "I
forgot to hit the button."

"Maybe you shouldn't have any more, Fox."

He tried again.  "Scully?"

"No," Skinner answered frostily.

Mulder snapped to with a sudden change of posture.  "Sir, I can
explain --!"

"Of course you can," he interrupted derisively.  "Where have
you been, Agent Mulder?"

Mulder shrugged at Claire by way of explanation.  "Out of cell
phone range, sir."

"I noticed that.  Where did you spend this out of range time?
I'm looking through my copies of approved travel vouchers
here --"

A universal dilemma:  Did he look cool for the girl?  Or try his
best not to get his ear van Goghed by his boss?

"-- and I don't see a 302 with your name on it."

"Uh, that would be because you didn't sign one.  Sir."

"No?"  The man's oxygen had been replaced by pure derision.
"Really?"

"Sir, I was in Louisiana."

"Mardi Gras, Agent Mulder?"

"A little early for that, sir."

"A woman?  You eloped, maybe?"

"No, sir.  Not why I went."

"You had one of those dark nights of the soul, perhaps?  Maybe
you went down there to be dangerous for a few nights, come
close to losing your life or your sanity -- what's left of it -- and
then return to your normal life, a bit shaken, but better for the
experience?"

Mulder snorted before he could stop himself.  <What does he
take me for?> "Well I *am* a bit shaken, sir, but no.  I left to
investigate a case.  I knew you wouldn't sign the 302, so I just
put in for some vacation days --"

"When?"  Skinner growled.

Someone pressed a 'mute' button on Claire and the bar around
him, leaving him alone with his boss' voice. "Well, I retro-
file these --"

"When?"

"-- because I didn't know how long it was going to --"

"*When*?"

"I'm filing them this morning, sir.  I've done that before and you
didn't --"

"What kind of case?  Some conspiracy cover-up going on down
there? The lives of men, women and children jeopardized by
government corruption?  A downed UFO or maybe --"

"Alligators, sir."  For a long moment, there was only silence on
the line. "Sir?"

"Alligators."

"Uhh."  Mulder cleared his throat.  "Vampire... alligators."

<Oh, *much better*.>

The other end of the line fell dangerously silent.  "Vampire
alligators."

"Yes, sir."

The ticking stopped, and the man exploded, "I can't even be
proud of you on an *unofficial* level!  Don't you have the
decency to even --" he sputtered "-- to *pretend* to lie?  I want to
let you in on something, Agent Mulder.  While you were saving
the world one bayou backwater at a time, we were thinking
inside the box down here at headquarters.  A meeting was
called among the ADs to delegate responsibility for a high-level
kidnapping case.  Now, according to my roll call, there was no
reason for you to have been out of cell phone range.  So I called
your office."

<Oh god>

"Over a speakerphone."

<I could kill all three of them.  Who would know?>

"In front of *my* supervisors.  Can you guess what happened
next, Agent Mulder?"

"Well I --"

Skinner was on a roll.  "Never mind the good words I had to
throw into the ring for them to even *consider* you for this case,
but then I hear your bit of Bureau comedy -- "

"I didn't do that, sir!  It --"

"You pick *now* to start lying?  Now?!  Do you have *any* idea
of how... for lack of a better word, I have to say it was
embarrassing.  Not only does it look like I can't command my
own complement of agents, but it looks like I'm not even trying!
Guess how many OPR sessions have been scheduled for me
since that incident?"

He weakly grinned at Claire, who unconvincingly smiled in
return. "I wouldn't know --"

"Indulge me with a guess, Agent Mulder."

"Uh... more than one, sir?"

"More than two, Agent."

-"Sir --"

"I'd like you to be in my office within the next two hours."

Mulder saw his weekend, magically vanishing.  "Can't we
discuss this at the OPR --?"

"I want to glare at you for a few minutes."

Mulder rolled his eyes in frustration.  "Is that really going to do
anybody any good?"

"I know *I'll* enjoy it."

-She had to give him credit.  He was keeping his face safely
deadpan.  Then again, maybe that was genuine.  "Okay.  You
were angry.  So you decided that they needed to be taught a
lesson.  I'm listening."

"You're using that patronizing hostage negotiatior tone,
Mulder."

"And I'll continue to use it until I'm safely out of the elevator."

-"Can you
say escalation, Scully?  This is *escalating*!"

Like a ray of light, the perfect thing to do occurred to her.  She
stepped back, got some momentum, and socked him in the
arm as hard as she could.  Which, by the wounded look he
returned, was pretty damn hard.  "OW!"

"It hurt, didn't it?"

"Hell, *yes*, it hurt!  What did you do that for?"

Her grin was going to consume her entire body if she wasn't
careful.  "Have you ever hit a girl?"

A wet gurgling sound came from his throat. "What kind of
question is that?"

"Have you?"

"No!"  He rubbed his arm, still so offended that she thought his
eyebrows might freeze that way forever.

"You've never hit a woman?"

He stalked ahead of her a few steps.  "Not unless they asked me
nicely..."

"I discovered something at an early age, Mulder.  A bad
reputation is priceless.  For example, my brother Bill and I.  He
was known for starting the arguments and fights between us.
So, every once in awhile, just infrequently enough to get
awaywith it, I would hit him first.  I'd start the argument.  And
they never suspected me at all."  She laughed ominously low.
"Do you know what this means?"

Mulder swallowed audibly.  "No..."

So she launched back and hit him again.  In the same spot as
before.

"Scully!"  Grabbing his arm, he quickened his gait.  "Stop that!"

And again.  "Come on, Mulder.  Don't you want revenge?  Don't
you want to get me back?"

He had broken into a jog now.  "Y -- No!  Stop *doing* that!"

And yet again.  "It's called vindication.  It *feels* good!"

"It feels like a punch in the arm!"  People in the offices they were
passing were starting to stare.  He turned towards her, fists
raised in a guard posture against a woman a full foot shorter
and said into the sudden dead silence that fell, "This goes
against *all* my training as a mama's boy!"

As he bolted down the hall away from her, Dana Scully caught a
glimpse.  A glimpse of the kind of serendipity that money
couldn't buy.  Grinning, she hid. 

It took Mulder a few moments to realize that he'd hit a wall and
was lying on the floor.  It took a few more moments for him to
come to the conclusion that lying on one's back in the middle of
a Bureau hallway was a Bad Thing.  Though there were a
handful of women agents who may have been waiting for this
chance... but never mind that now.  He opened his eyes,
surveying the damage.

Playing dead seemed like the best choice.

The Wall had been played by one Assistant Director Walter
Skinner.  By his side, almost normal sized from where he'd
caromed off of his boss like a bug off a windshield, was Scully.

From his left, Kimberly poked her head out of the Assistant
Director's office.  "Sir, do I need to call 9-1-1?"

Skinner patted himself down briefly.  "Nah, he didn't hurt me."

An appropriate but completely fabricated crease of concern
adorned his partner's forehead.  "Sir, why is Agent Mulder lying
on the floor?"

"Actually, Agent Scully, I was hoping you could shed a little
light on that."

Leaning forward with one hand on her knee, Scully
inconsiderately yanked at one of his eyelids.  "Given the
position of Agent Mulder's body, I'm guessing he was testing
Newton's third Law of Motion."

"Maybe he *really* didn't want to be late for this meeting."

The beat of silence that followed went on long enough to lull
Mulder into a false sense of security.  The minute he opened his
eyes, they both smiled.

"You're right," Skinner grunted.  "Must have been the Newton
thing.  This has completely ruined my glaring time."

"I'm sorry, Sir,"  Scully murmured sympathetically.

"He looks so comfortable,"  growled Skinner.  "I *hate* that."

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