-7 Days Without Beef Makes 1 Weak- bumper sticker ~ If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go. ~ If ignorance is Bliss, Washington must be Paradise! ||Killing never solves anything, but it keeps people out of your hair while you decide what to do next.|| I CAN ONLY PLEASE ONE PERSON PER DAY. TODAY IS NOT YOUR DAY. TOMARROW IS NOT LOOKING GOOD EITHER. TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED AND I’LL TELL YOU HOW TO GET ALONG WITHOUT IT. MY REALITY CHECK BOUNCED. I DON’T SUFFER FROM STRESS. I ‘M A CARRIER. YOU ARE SLOWER THAN A HEARD OF TURTLES STAMPEDING THROUGH PEANUT BUTTER. DO NOT MEDDLE IN THE AFFAIRS OF DRAGONS, BECAUSE YOU ARE CRUNCHY AND TASTE GOOD WITH KETCHUP. EVERYBODY IS SOMEBODY ELSE’S WEIRDO. NEVER ARGUE WITH AN IDIOT. THEY DRAG YOU DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL, THAN BEAT YOU WITH EXPERIENCE. THE MORE CRUD YOU PUT UP WITH, THE MORE CRUD YOU ARE GOING TO GET YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT IF YOU LOOK SERIOUS AND CARRY A CLIPBOARD. IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE LAST MINUTE, NOTHING WOULD GET DONE. WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, WALK FAST AND LOOK WORRIED. FOLLOWING THE RULES WILL NOT GET THE JOB DONE. Raising Teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain # of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever. Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most. Today has been canceled due to lack of excitement. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. I brake for no apparent reason. Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? He who laughs last thinks slowest. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Born free...Taxed to death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep. All men are idiots, and I married their King. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. Montana -- At least our cows are sane! I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS. Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready. Even though this is a stupid sticker you're squinting to read it (in very small text) I don't have an eating problem. I eat. I get fat. No Problem Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. When there's a will, I want to be in it! "KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING Don't blame me! I didn't vote! Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink. Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can If you're not angry, you're not paying attention! This car is not abandoned! Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? So many pedestrians, so little time Don't impeach, impale. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. No radio - Already stolen. How can I miss you if you won't go away? There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Gravity- it's not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Life is too complicated in the morning. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody. Ask me about my vow of silence. Today's subliminal message is: ( ) My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! Grow your own dope. Plant a man. I brake for…wait…AAAH!…NO BRAKES!!!!! A fool and his money are a girl's best friend. I'm not driving fast-just flying low. Help starve a feeding bureaucrat. Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria. BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!! If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Black holes are where God divided by zero. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it happened. I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns. They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES! I'm back by popular demand. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. WARNING: mental backup in progress. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away? I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. I can handle pain until it hurts. I'm objective; I object to everything. Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks. No matter where you go, you're there. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. Have a nice day... somewhere else. It's been Monday all week. Gravity always gets me down. I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway. They told me I was gullible... and I believed them. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire. It's bad luck to be superstitious. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have. I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. Honk if you like peace and quiet. I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins. Did you check if your horn works? I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it? When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. I think your hard drive has a slipped disk. CLINTON HAPPENS. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.... Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students! We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later. If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it! Men are proof that women can take a joke. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles. WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Few women admit their age, few men act it. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS . Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. A penny saved is a government oversight. The buck doesn't even slow down here! Originality is the art of concealing your sources. |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ the domino effect at work. Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit. I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money. A waist is a terrible thing to mind. COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor. Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs! Editing is a rewording activity. Life is sexually transmitted. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). I don't have a problem with willpower. It's won't power I have a problem with My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot. We do precision guesswork. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition Anything free is worth what you pay for it Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool! Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. What if there were no hypothetical questions? No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience! I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Remember half the people you know are below average.. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and driving against traffic. No one is listening until you make a mistake. All good things in moderation ..... including moderation Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. I doubt, therefore I might be. The older you get, the better you realize you were. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Problem with the gene pool ...... no lifeguard. Clones are people two. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade! So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute! Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. I can resist anything but temptation God must love stupid people, he made so many. Entropy isn't what it used to be. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW. Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Jesus saves, passes to Moses; shoots, SCORES! To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please? If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer. Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere! If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk! Caution! Driver's applying make-up CAUTION : Driver Singing The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive? Evacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!! It was only a lane change! Go on speeding, we'll cut you out (of your car ) -- Your Fire Dept. Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light. Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hang on. Caution I swerve and hit people at random. So many pedestrians, so little time. <----Passing Side / Suicide----> Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus. Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities. I Cayman went. Wisconsin: Smell our dairy air! When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger. I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so. I got this motor home for my wife....BEST deal I ever made! LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS Dad's the boss. Right Mommy? Money isn't everything...but it sure keeps the kids in touch! Hit me, I need money Thank God for the IRS. Without them I'd be stinking rich! If money could talk, it would say goodbye. A fool and his money are soon partying IF YOU'RE RICH, I'M SINGLE Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for you. Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter There are only 2 choices on the menu: take it or leave it. Men aren't pigs....pigs are gentle, cute creatures! Missing, Husband And Dog; Attention $100.00 Reward For Dog It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. Normal people worry me Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, your it Support mental health or I'll kill you Sometimes I wish life had subtitles If you're happy and you know it see a shrink If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one? If you think I'm a drunk driver you're wrong, I'm a blonde Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel When blondes have more fun, do they know it? I souport publik edekashun I is a college student. HUKED ON FONIKS WERKD FER ME! The question of fishing is not a matter of life or death... it's more important than that. Take a Bite out of Crime. It tastes like Chicken. Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily. Don't steal. The government hates competition. Hug a Logger you will never go back to trees Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD! Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them Give Blood Play Hockey U.S. MARINE CORPS.--Everything destroyed in 30 min. or the next one's free! Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor Dole for Pineapple, Not for President Will Rogers never met a lawyer. Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton. Is there life before coffee? Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. There's one in every crowd and they always find me. Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats. If it's too loud, you're too old. Wink. I'll do the rest. Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist. I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be. They say you can't take it with you... But they also can't come and get it! Humpty Dumpty was pushed. I'd rather be over the hill than under it. I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe. If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them Nonconformists are all alike. Hug your kids at home-belt them in the car! Car will explode upon impact Don't tick me off. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies. Do what you did when you were a kid: fly a kite, go fishing hunt a dinosaur End racism...kill everyone Indians discovered Columbus Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups If you love your life as much as I love my car then you won't steal it Hire Teenagers while they still know everything! Conserve Water; Shower with a friend If you are not the lead truck, the scenery never changes. . If I roll up my windows and lock the doors, its because you smell horrible Custer got Siouxed I'm pro choice, I choose to hunt, trap, eat meat and wear fur. Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. Just visiting this planet Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water. Where There's A Whip, There's A Way. Sorry, I just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. HELP! I've tripped and I can't get down! I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen. I do everything my rice krispies tell me to do STOP CONTINENTAL DRIFT! I Hate Coffee--It Keeps Me Awake at Work. There was nothing Great about the Depression. HELP END POVERTY--EAT THE POOR The more people I know, the more I love my dog. The best way to change someone's mind is with a rock Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. A friend in need... can be a real pain. If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first. Right side of the brain is for loading and unloading only. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. They say the pen is mightier than the sword. (if you miss a deadline, you'd better bring the sword) Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done. Work is the greatest thing in the world, so save some for tomorrow. Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. Save time... see it my way. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. Every time I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed. Corporate Motto: READY - FIRE - AIM !!! DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription. Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and recorded every day like those of a baseball player. I love the "swooshing" sound deadlines make as they go by. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1? Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like a slacker. Sorry I'm late, I'll leave early to make up for it. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. If you're the low man on the totem pole, just remember that if it weren’t for you the whole thing would fall over. "That's Bill for ya, always sharpening his sleeping skills..." By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. - A morning without coffee is like something without something else. I love my work, I could sit and watch it all day long. Work hard for eight hours a day, and eventually you may become a boss and be able to work twelve. Employment tip #127: Never take a beer to a job interview. You can name your own salary here - I like to call mine Fred. Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all! First rule of acting: Whatever happens, look as if it were intended. The problem with the rat race is even if you win you're still a rat. "Remember there's no I in team" ... (but there is a M and an E) Indecision is the key to flexibility. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. After any salary raise, you will have less money than you did before. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A typical class in high school: show up, get rid of your homework, get new homework, leave. If you read a dictionary, you'll be really smart. If you eat a dictionary, you'll be really full. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. (on a lecturer's door): The probability of finding me in this office is inversely proportional to the magnitude of your urgency. A grade 9 history test question: Give the number of automobiles produced in America during the year of your choice. My answer? 1806: none 'The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the ocean searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain any more...so it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure.' Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little in with them, and the seniors take none away, so it accumulates. These opinions are mine, not those of the University of Virginia. It is the opinion of the University that I should be writing my dissertation. A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard ...Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional. It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Define the Universe and give three examples. In a large auditorium at university, the lecturer began by saying, 'If you can't hear me up at the back, put your hands up.' A row of hands went up... A lecture is a process where information is passed from the notebook of the lecturer to the notebook of the student without necessarily passing through the minds of either. If you aren't going to listen, at least pretend to listen! When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. You don't win a war by dying for your country. You win a war by making the other guy die for his. - General Patton If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. Push to test... Release to detonate. Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who don't. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: 1. When you're ready for them. 2. When you're not ready for them. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. Friendly fire - isn't. Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. The side with the simplest uniforms wins. When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction. If you find yourself in a fair fight you didn't plan your mission properly! On US Rocket Launcher - Aim towards Enemy A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits. - Woodrow Wilson There is no such thing as government money, only taxpayer money. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. There's a fine line between an attitude problem and thinking clearly. "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for enough good men to do nothing." Anyone who is not a socialist at 16 has no heart, but anyone who still is at 32 has no mind. It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber. They pretend to tell us the truth, and we pretend to believe them. Suppose they held a war and nobody came? Perception, not possession is 9 tenths of the law. If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Education is the best defense against the media. They call television a medium. That's because it is neither rare nor well done. 98% of the population is asleep. The other 2% are staring around in complete amazement, abject terror, or both. Question Authority and the Authorities will question you. T.V. - Why do you think they call it programming? The NRA says, 'Guns don't kill people - people kill people.' That may be true, but I think the gun helps. You're not going to kill many people by standing around shouting 'bang!'. It's not Area 51 I'm worried about- it's Areas 1 through 50. The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, and there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. When the rich wage war, it’s the poor who die. America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. It is true that liberty is precious, but is it so precious it must be rationed? 'If I could do one thing with the world, I'd turn the entire human race into empaths. Make everybody feel everyone's pain. If we could all truly empathize with each other, there would be an immediate end to most human misery. Famines would stop as rich countries fall over themselves to send aid...' All truth goes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Then, it is violently opposed. Finally, it is accepted as self-evident. Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic... "I don't question YOUR existence." - God Religion is for those who fear hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there... Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. Make God laugh - plan for the future. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always hit the ground. If the enemy is in range, so are you. The difficult we do immediately. The impossible takes a little while longer. - U.S. Navy It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons! When in doubt empty the magazine. If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with baggy skin. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. "You, you, and you: Panic. The rest of you, come with me." Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one. Incoming fire has the right of way. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. Tracers work both ways. Five second fuses only last three seconds. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. - the Army's magazine The easy way is always mined. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map. Where will you spend eternity? Smoking or non-smoking? They think, therefore I am. - God The Scriptures are shallow enough for a babe to come and drink without fear of drowning and deep enough for theologians to swim in without ever reaching the bottom. Life is short - pray hard. "SATAN, SATAN! It's the main mega furnace! She's losin' power and the temperature is dropping fast! I'm not sure if I can hold her!" -- Scotty in Hell.. ERROR 666: Armageddon detected. Please restart universe and try again. "Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark." If you live like there's no God... you'd better be right. No God, no peace. Know God, know peace. Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny. Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the engineers are German, the administrators are Swiss and the lovers are Italian. Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are British, the engineers are Italian, the administrators are French and the lovers are Swiss. My Mother-In-Law keeps asking why we haven't had children. I figure having a husband AND a child would be redundant. Little girls grow to become young women. Little boys have a job for life! An English professor wrote on the blackboard: Punctuate this sentence: 'Woman without her man is nothing'. The men wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.' All the women wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.' I have always wondered why men never or seldom help women work in the kitchen, but when it comes to cooking with a barbecue outdoors, men quickly grab the opportunity. Then it hit me - Men are less evolved. The average woman prefers beauty over brains because the average man can see better than he can think. So many men, so few who can afford me... Remember, Ginger Rodgers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards, and in high heels. If all men are idiots, not only did I marry their King, I gave birth to their Crown Prince! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. Make love, not war - heck, do both, get married! Before you meet your prince you have to kiss a lot of toads. Don't be sexist. Broads hate that. It's funny...all over the world women stop working in the middle of a field, lay down to give birth, and get right back to work. But give a man a cold and suddenly he's 2 years old and can't blow his own nose. Women's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testosterone, you're going to have trouble with it! 'Here's to the men that we love, and here's to the men that love us, but the men that we love, aren't the men that love us, so forget the men. Here's to us! Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no point in two people remembering the same thing... Men have feelings too (but who really cares) A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one. Women and elephants never, ever forget. I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better. Marriage is much like communism, it works best in theory. First, God created man. Then he had a better idea. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with. There are easier things in life than finding a good man... like nailing Jell-O to a tree Never chase after a man or a train - another one will always come along. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished... Sometimes I think that if there were a third sex, men wouldn't get so much as a glance from me. Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. Girls will be girls, boys will be toys. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs, a woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always! A woman's place is in the House... or the Senate. I haven't found Mr. Right, but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. Sleazy and Mr. Wrong. Tell a man there are a billion stars in the sky and he will believe you. Tell him there is wet paint on the bench and he will have to touch it to be sure. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again. Some say a computer is a woman, if you do something wrong, they'll remember every bit of it. Some say a computer is a man, if you had just waited one more week, you could have gotten a better model for less. A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's complexion seem what it ain't I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "I was a fool when I married you." she replied "yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. (Got married last weekend, wife knows everything). It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink. If a man says something in the middle of a forest and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.' Don't bother getting married - just find a woman you hate and buy her a house. If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they send all of 'em? Men! They sweep you off your feet then try to hand you the broom! For every girl with a curve there are several men with angles. An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested in her he is. A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart but he's not very bright. If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his other lies. Driver carries no cash: He's married! I need patience. NOW! If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off! I brake for hallucinations. Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left. Witches' Parking - All others Toad. Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog. Back off, I'm a postal worker. I may not believe what your bumper sticker says, but I will defend to the end your right to stick it! Jesus is coming - Look Busy! My other vehicle is a broomstick. Written on a back of a truck: Over takers beware, you might meet the Undertaker My Other car is a beater (On the back of a beater). Prevent inbreeding - ban country music. 'Smile, I could be behind you!' - on Police Motorcycle license frame- Visalia, CA You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant. Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty. FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink). Honk if you love N Sync! (then go drive off a cliff) Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon! Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window! "No, YOU suck" - the mean people. Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive? Do not wash this car. It is undergoing a scientific dirt experiment. They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder. If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk! (seen on the back on a wheelchair) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember... You are depriving some poor village of its idiot. My Governor can beat up your Governor. (Minnesota bumper sticker) Vote Republican - it's easier than thinking. On the back of an old pickup: If this truck were a horse, I'd have to shoot it. His wife said: "Be an angel and let me drive." So he did, and now he is. You go on ahead, I'll see you at the next light. Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by its maker. Where are we going and what am I doing in this hand basket? There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead. (On a VW being pulled by an RV) Don't honk, I'm pushing as hard as I can. New Bumper Sticker cropping up in NY (Democrats use the rear bumper - Republicans have it on the front of their cars!) "Run, Hillary, Run." Honk your brains out, it wont take long. Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. I bought this car on credit - 20% down and the balance on receipt of threatening letters. 'YES this is my truck. NO I wont help you move.' If this car is being driven safely, call the cops - it's been stolen! You may touch the dust just don't write in it. I may be slow but I'm ahead of you! IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere. See on small car: 'When I grow up, I want to be a Truck' Go with God. (my car's full...) (Upside down on the bumper of a Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Jeep Over. I'm going crazy. Wanna come along? On the back of beat up pickup truck, being driven by a guy with a big hat - I ain't no cowboy, I just found this hat. Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say: "Honk if..." When in doubt, poke it with a stick. If you like my bumper, you'll love my headlights. D.A.R.E. to keep cops off donuts. Don't run your fingers over my truck and I won't run my truck over your fingers. Work harder: Millions on welfare depend on you. Nice front bumper you have there. Shame if something happened to it. My car does 0 - 60mph in 5 miles! Honk if you're a goose. Drive defensively - buy a tank.