The Double G Obituary

 

The world was united in grief today at the news that the Double G has slipped off this mortal coil.

 

Born Wayne Travolta Elvis Murdock Lawless on May 31^st, 1977, the Double G grew up in Loughrea, Co. Galway.

 

His first sexual experience occurred in 4^th class with his teacher Assumpta o’Hoolahain, after which she exclaimed that it was the best she ever had, even better than the numerous black men she had been with.

 

There is still some doubt though, as to whether the Double G ever existed. Some say that he was a myth, a legend, a bedtime story parents told their children to frighten them.

 

Some people remain skeptical, and suggest that the Double G may not be dead, remarking that they’d only seen an unmarked grave.

 

As always with cases like this, there have been unsubstantiated reports of sightings of the Double G, even in as far flung places as Prague. One eye witness, Padraig MaGuire, reported seeing him leaving a brothel in Kingston, and overheard him saying “I don’t see any ring on this finger….DOUBLE G”

 

The Double G, seen here in his prime

 

As news of his untimely passing spread, tributes poured in from friends and loved ones. “He had an enormous penis” exclaimed Shane Loftus, life-partner of the Double G, between sobs. “I seen it numerous times. It was like a pet python in his pants”.

 

Triple D, brother of the Double, was more upbeat. “He’s dead? So what? Sure, we’re going drinkin’ this weekend, and the Double has never missed a party. Didn’t he ring me this morning, asking if I had any ass cream”.

 

More confusion arose when we contacted the man himself. “This is the worst I’ve felt” said the Double on the phone. “This is definitely a new low, the bottom of the barrel. I’ve never been this sick, and my ass hurts. Have you any ass cream there in your bag?”.

 

Three days of official mourning have been announced in Loughrea. A tribute concert is also being planned by St Raphael’s Under 17 Ladies School Choir, with a special rendition of “Daddy, You’re Gone” expected to be performed by Elton John.