Chapter 13
Padme led the tense group through the back hallway to her private office. It had hit her a few steps away from the elevator what the smell of sex and the disheveled clothes meant. The pain had welled up in her stomach and worked its way into her chest. I won't cry, I won't cry, she told herself angrily, clenching her hands into fists to stop their tremulous shaking. It took all her control to fight back the tears. It was only the experience gained through her years in the Senate that enabled her to maintain an image of calm in the midst of her anguish and despair.
But that image was just a mask to cover up the rage that was quickly enveloping her. How could he, she screamed in her head. Perhaps if she had told him her secret, she could have avoided this. No, it was best that she found out now. She didn't want Anakin to marry her because he felt obligated to. The reason she had hesitated to tell him in the first place was because she was so uncertain about his feelings for her.
What a fool you are, she thought as things began coalescing in her mind: the many hints that she'd ignored along the way; her confessions of love that weren't reciprocated; waking to find him kneeling in front of a window, staring out into the night with a look of such forlorn yearning; his offhand confession that he'd been in love before and then, when she pushed him for more details, his very brief and terse explanation that it just hadn't worked out.
She'd never pressed for more information because she didn't want to know. She had been willing to accept whatever he could give her and to hope that she'd be enough for him. But she had always sensed his dissatisfaction and longing -- for something more or someone else -- and feared that one day he would just disappear out of her life and go searching for the one he loved.
And here, obviously, was that someone else, the person he'd been in love with all along. The jealousy boiled up inside her even though she knew it was just as much her fault as Anakin's. She didn't know who she was angrier with, Anakin, or herself. She glanced back at the two men hoping that it was just a bad dream and all she had to do to make it go away was wake up. But there they were, walking behind her, Anakin's arm wrapped protectively around the slighter man`s waist and Senator Kenobi's face full of abject misery. Was Anakin's love unreciprocated? she wondered. But they had rutted like a couple of animals in the elevator, she thought with disgust. She didn't understand and she needed to understand. She needed answers.
When they reached her personal office, Padme opened the door and led the solemn group inside, where, in her best senatorial voice, she asked everyone to sit at the small conference table in the suite's vestibule.
"Anakin," Padme said in the same authoritative voice, "we need to talk. We can go in my --."
"No! Not now. I can't leave him alone. He'll run again," Anakin cut her off abruptly as he pulled up a chair to sit close to Senator Kenobi and wrapping an arm possessively around the older man's shoulders.
Padme shook her head, wishing it was in her nature to confront Anakin and demand he take his hands off the senator, but instead sat down silently across from the two men. Again, she called on her political training to keep her emotions under control, but couldn't help a biting comment to escape. "You don't have to sit on top of him."
Anakin looked up at her with surprise and hurt. "I'm sorry, but it's been so long."
"So, who exactly is he to you?" she asked, realizing with frustration that this very personal discussion would have to be aired in front of both Delia and the senator.
Anakin looked at the other man. "We are bonded, but we have been separated for three years."
Obi-Wan shook his head. "No. The bond is, well, was dormant. We shouldn't have done that. We were free."
"I don't want to be free. I never have!" Anakin pleaded.
Padme felt the tears slip down her cheeks, but quickly brushed them away. "Bonded? You are bonded and you didn't tell me. All you ever said was that there had been someone before me, but that it didn't work out." Padme looked at the two men, taking in the physical contact that Anakin was constantly maintaining with the senator. "And all this time you've been bonded." Padme slumped into the chair, completely defeated by this latest discovery.
"If you two are bonded then why aren't you together?" Delia asked watching Padme with concern, trying to draw some of the attention away from her tearful friend.
"He ran away. The bond was an accident, it just happened and he didn`t want – it," Anakin answered.
Obi-Wan turned to the young man, "I'm not able to bond with anyone. Sith, I can't even be a Jedi anymore. You've made a new life for yourself here and found someone who can make you happy. You need to let this go, we--." Obi-Wan's voice broke, but he managed to get his emotions under control after a few seconds. "We made a mistake and need to just forget it and move on." He turned away from Anakin, unable to speak with those sapphire blue eyes pleading with him.
Padme stared at the handsome senator. You didn't have to be a Force- sensitive to feel the pain radiating from him. All her anger evaporated in that moment. Something awful must have happened to make him so vulnerable.
"Force, you are stubborn!" Anakin yelled in frustration. "I nearly died from the want of you when you ran from Paladino. For three years I haven't known where you were, who you were with. I love you. Is that so terrible?"
"Yelling isn't going to help," Padme scolded, struggling to push her own anger and hurt away before continuing her questioning. "Why can't he be a Jedi?"
Obi-Wan took a deep breath in attempt to control the panic that was building. "This is pointless," he said loudly. "But if you must know I have lost the use of the Force, or I should say I'm unable to use the Force because of the bond."
"How?" Delia asked, her confusion evident in her tone.
"Because he insists on suppressing the bond," Anakin replied. He roughly grabbed Obi-Wan's arm and held it up, showing the women the silver bracelet. "It's a Force-inhibitor."
"Stop it!" Obi-Wan cried out as he broke free from Anakin's arms and stumbled to the farthest corner of the room, looking like a frightened animal trying to get as far away from danger as he could.
Anakin stood to follow, but Padme's words stopped him. "Leave him alone! You are only making it worse," she said firmly.
Anakin instinctively reached out for the bond, expecting to be locked out as he had always been before, and therefore was shocked to find the faint pulsing Force-essence of his bond-mate as the Force slowly infiltrated Obi-Wan's crumbling defenses. At the same time, Anakin felt Obi-Wan's mounting fear at his own realization that the Force was breaking through despite the inhibitor bracelet and the massive doses of Zephine he would bet that his bond-mate had been giving himself.
Anakin closed his eyes, immersing himself in the feel of Obi-Wan's Force signature and found it different than he remembered. His eyes flew open and his heart skipped a beat; his beautiful bond-mate who'd been so consumed with fear at being tainted by the dark he sought to obliterate, was now neither light nor dark. He was a grey void of Force falling into itself, a vacuum searching for a path, a purpose. So much power with no focus or control.
It was all Anakin could do not to follow his bond-mate across the room and gather him into his arms. He knew Padme was right. He'd always pushed too hard, thinking he could make Obi-Wan love him; make him give in to the bond. All he'd accomplished was to push Obi-Wan further away and scare the man into running. Anakin had come to understand, after speaking to Healer Toyin, that his own aggressive and needy behavior were the very responses that had triggered Obi- Wan's need to escape; the more he pushed the less in control his bond- mate felt.
"Senator Kenobi, please tell us why you believe that you must suppress the bond?" Delia asked softly. She knew that she was the least involved in this whole debacle and she couldn't help but feel sympathy for the young senator. She'd seen trauma patients on her home planet who survived the genetic purges a decade ago and the look in this man's eyes was exactly the same. This bond seemed to threaten his sanity in some way, making him very fragile. She knew bonds amongst telepathic races were tangible psychic phenomenon and sometimes death of one in a bonded couple caused the death of the other or at least severe psychic shock. This looked like psychic shock to her, or some type of trauma with elements of paranoia.
"Fuck You! You have no right to keep me here," Obi-Wan said shakily crossing his arms across his chest, fighting the shudders that wracked his body. "I'm leaving and you are not going to follow me," he said, looking frantically at Anakin.
Anakin stepped forward, determination evident in his eyes. "I love you," he said, his voice soft and imploring. "I have always loved you from the first moment I knew you. I've tried to show you that in every way I know how. On Palodino, I thought you understood. But you turned away and ran." Anakin's voice rose as he took another step toward Obi-Wan. "What has my love for you and this bond gained me? Nothing, but pain and despair. You say you suffer? I've suffered every day of my life for the past three years, not knowing if you were safe, if you were happy, if you were loved. I'm tired of it, all of it."
Anakin took another step forward and Obi-Wan cringed against the wall. "Am I to pay the price for this war you have declared against the Force? You have done nothing but blame the Force for everything that has gone wrong in your life, wallowing in self-pity because your master didn't love you the way you wanted, because he died and you didn't die with him. The Force granted you a second chance for love but you are too fucking scared to try again. If the Force is fucking anyone over in this game, it's me. I've been spurned, rejected, had my dreams torn apart, was even shot – what more can you do to me? Let's just end this – here and now. If you demand a sacrifice to the Force, then I volunteer. I'm not going to wear an inhibitor bracelet and I'm not taking anymore of those – drugs you are so fond of. You don't want this bond, then I guess – I guess I die."
+++++
Obi-Wan turned towards the wall, covering his face with his hands, choking back a scream of frustration that threatened to escape. He was so cold, so empty. He pounded his fist against the wall trying to make sense of it all. His mind kept examining each option, but couldn't find a way out this time. He'd always been a logical man, but couldn't reason this through. His logic mixed with the singing in the Force kept leading him to the one place he refused to go. Each alternative felt wrong, each path was blocked. He could deceive them all into thinking he had succumbed to the bond once again, bide his time and bolt. But Anakin swore he would no longer fight, that he would let himself die if they were separated again and Obi-Wan believed him. That could not be. But if he stayed and let Anakin and the Jedi into his mind then both he and Anakin would become slaves of the Force and Anakin would die just like Qui-Gon had. That could not be. -- The only truth he knew for sure in his heart and in his head was that Anakin must not die. He was everything.
Everything. Those words vibrated in his skull like an echo, an echo of a voice that had said those exact words to him eleven years ago. "You are everything." That's what Qui-Gon had said before he'd sent Obi-Wan off to meet with the attack squadron and destroy the control ship, leaving himself to face the Sith alone. Is that what Qui-Gon meant then too? Did his master know then, as Obi-Wan knew now, that one life above all others was worth any sacrifice asked, was fair payment for the alternative - that the thought of that one person not existing in the galaxy any longer made his own life not worth living, made the future unbearable?
"Obi-Wan!"
Obi-Wan heard Anakin's voice calling his name as if he was moving farther and farther away. He felt the boy's concern for him in the Force, though he didn't understand how, and tried ignoring it. The Force could not be trusted, of that he was sure. But he was so tired of fighting the incessant beating of the Force, the pulsing and pulling of the bond, of wanting something that wasn't meant to be, of always hungering for the one thing he could never have.
The singing of the Force became stronger and more insistent in his head. It was telling him things, things he didn't want to know, things like "this needed to end now". Obi-Wan suddenly froze as clarity broke through. The confusion dissipated and the logical path appeared to him just as it had in his hotel room what now seemed like a life-time ago but in reality was only an hour.
Yes, that's it. Anakin would suppress the bond; the Jedi would make sure of that. Yes. I need to end this now. He'd only stayed alive this long so Anakin wouldn't suffer and possibly die from a severed bond and end up like him, but Padme knew about the bond now. She'd make sure the healers knew. She'd make sure they saved Anakin. More importantly, she held inside of her the reason for Anakin to want to live.
Obi-Wan turned and smiled joyfully at his bond-mate. Anakin was standing just a hand's breadth away, panic evident on his face. Obi- Wan wanted to explain, wished he could calm and reassure the young man that he hadn't gone mad. Knowing, Anakin would try to stop him no matter how right the logic of his plan, he instead reached up and softly pressed his lips to Anakin's in a benediction of love and acceptance. He pulled his bond-mate tight against his chest, wrapping his arms round him in a loving caress, and whispered, "I love you. You are everything." Then, before anyone could react, he pulled the Force inhibitor off his wrist.
Obi-Wan loosened his grip and Anakin crumpled to the ground as the bond was fully opened between them in a blinding flash of white-light and excruciatingly sweet emotions. Obi-Wan felt it all, but had strengthened his shields enough that he was able to protect his mind from the immobilizing effects. He instead reached out with his reawakened Force power and put Anakin to sleep.
"What did you do?" Padme cried out in horror, rushing to Anakin`s side.
Obi-Wan threw the inhibitor bracelet to Padme. "Put this on him; he must be taken to the Jedi healers immediately. Tell them that they need to put a stronger Force-inhibitor on him immediately and also to start him on Zephine," Obi-Wan explained, panting heavily from the throbbing in his head emanating from the revitalized bond that was quickly breaking through his shields even as he spoke.
"Why did you do that, Senator Kenobi?" Padme asked as she rushed to follow his instructions and get the bracelet clasped onto Anakin's limp wrist. "You insist upon causing him pain yet he has done nothing to harm you."
Obi-Wan's voice was rough and strained, "No, he hasn't. He's going to need you to get through this. He'll also need to know about the babies in order to survive." Obi-Wan turned to the door, struggling to keep his shields tight. "Tell him-- to be happy and that this is what I want and what the Force has wanted all along." With that, the young senator bolted out of the office.
Padme dropped to her knees next to Anakin and pulled his head onto her lap wondering how Senator Kenobi knew about the babies. She looked up at Delia and asked, "Where is he going?"
Delia ignored her and instead ran to the com unit and pushed the panic button. "There's a man who's attempting to leave –Senator Kenobi from Renoi. Stop him. He's blond, wearing a pale green tunic and tan pants. -- He what? Well, go after him. Yes, I don't care. He's a fugitive-- Yes, you have my authorization. Just don't hurt him."
Padme looked at Delia, confusion shining in her eyes. "Why?"
"He's going to destroy the bond by killing himself. We've got to wake Anakin before he does."
*-*End 13