Chapter VIII: Everybody hurts
"Perhaps the biggest mistake about loneliness is that everybody believes to be the only one feeling it", Jeanne Merie Laskas
Anakin had locked himself up in his room and, when next day's noon passed, Obi-wan thought that perhaps he wasn't coming out. During the first hours, he had decided to ignore him, but as time passed he had started feeling this little tickle going through his stomach: regret. And he didn't understand why, he had just asked a question. Nevertheless, after cleaning the kitchen, checking some papers, cooking, pacing hysterically and folding all of his clothes again, he had decided that it would be healthier for everybody to try and talk to him.
"Anakin?", he asked knocking softly on the named room's door, "Anakin?", he repeated when he got no answer. He could be sleeping, "Anakin?"
"What do you want?", Anakin's tone was supposedly aggressive, but it came out more like tired whine.
"Can I come in?"
"No", Obi-wan pressed his forehead to the door, sighing exaggeratedly. Moving his head from side to side, he took his hand to the doorknob and opened it, going inside the room and closing the door behind him. Anakin was sitting on the bed, his elbows supported on his knees and his hands buried in his hair, "what do you ask for if you're just going to do whatever you want?", Anakin raised his face, giving Obi-wan a look that wasn't completely furious.
"I was trying to be nice", Obi-wan got closer to Anakin, watching his reddish eyes, "did you get any sleep?"
"Don't do that", Anakin stood up abruptly, going to the other side of the room and leaning on the wall, "don't act as if you care, it doesn't go with you."
"I was just trying to–"
"Be nice, I know", groaned Anakin.
"It is more than can be said about you, don't you think?", asked Obi- wan, touching involuntarily his own jaw. Anakin sighed slightly and took a couple of steps towards Obi-wan, taking his hand to his face and caressing cheek and jaw with two firm fingers.
"It didn't leave a mark", he whispered, "does it hurt?"
"No, it doesn't", Obi-wan took Anakin's hand with one of his before he could take it away, "now, can we talk?", Anakin took his hand away quickly, half closing his eyes.
"There is nothing to talk about, alright? I don't need you trying to play comprehensive or trying to get things that don't exist out of me."
"Things that don't exist?", asked Obi-wan, "is that why you hit me, why you've spent half a day in here? Come on, Anakin, I just want to know the truth", insisted Obi-wan, unsure of why. He wasn't capable of understanding why he was so obsessed with fixing what could be wrong with Anakin.
"Why do you care?", Anakin crossed his arms on his chest, trying to control the fury that threatened to make him explode.
"I car–"
"No! Stop it! Why should I tell you anything? Every time I have tried to talk to you, you have left the room, why should I give you any explanation on things you assumed happened!? Why should I–"
"But it did happen, didn–"
"Enough!", Anakin took two steps towards Obi-wan and covered his mouth with his hand so he couldn't talk, "enough", the word was supposed to be a yell, but it came out choked by the beginning of crying in Anakin's eyes, "you have no right, you have no– you can't-" Obi-wan took his hand to Anakin's face, trying to caress his cheek but the hand that covered his mouth went to his wrist, stopping his movement.
"Alright", whispered Obi-wan, "what do you want to know?", Anakin let go of his wrist, taking a couple of steps back, "you ask, I answer, I ask, you answer", Anakin kept walking back until he found the wall and leaned on it again.
"Deal", he nodded, controlling the tears that hadn't came out, "what was the nature of your relationship with Qui-gon?"
"What do you mean?"
"Were you lovers?"
"No!", exclaimed Obi-wan while crossing his arms on his chest, "he was like my father… how old were you?"
"Fourteen, did you–"
"That's young."
"Repress your comments", groaned Anakin, "questions and answers… did you love him? As a master, I mean."
"Yes, of course", Obi-wan fell on the bed, sighing. Anakin seemed to be obsessed with making him remember Qui-gon, "were you a virgin?", Anakin stayed silent, lowering his head, "Anakin?"
"I was fourteen, of course I was a virgin", he groaned again, "did he love you?"
"You would have to ask him", half smiled Obi-wan, "who?"
"That's not an answer! Did Qui-gon love you?", Obi-wan stood up again, getting closer to Anakin and searching his eyes, which had avoided him during the whole conversation.
"I already told you, who, Anakin?", Obi-wan took his hands to Anakin's face, making him look at him. Anakin's eyes were redder than before and they were teary again, "Anakin, who raped you?"
"Answer me! Did he love you!?"
"Yes, of course he did! But who– it was… it was your master", Anakin's eyes moved from him and his hands took Obi-wan's wrists, making him take his hands away from his face, "am I right?… Anakin?"
"He was supposed to take care of me!", exclaimed Anakin all of a sudden, tears going freely through his face, "he was supposed to be there, he was supposed to love me! But all he did was use me, humiliate me… just like everybody else!", Anakin got away from Obi- wan in a fast movement, walking towards the door, but Obi-wan held his wrist.
"Anakin…", and he wanted to hug him, to cradle him between his arms and tell him that everything would be ok.
"Let go", Obi-wan let go of Anakin's wrist slowly, allowing him to move towards the door. Before he left the room, though, Anakin, tears falling down his face, faced him again, "and don't you dare pity me."
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Anakin got out of the house with quick steps and, after wandering around with no destination, he went to his favorite place in the planet: the lake. That had been a couple of hours ago. Now, while drops of a thick and abundant rain fell on his already soaked clothes, he continued in the same position that he had taken when he had arrived: sitting, looking forward. Tears had stopped a long time ago, but they came once in a while, inadvertently, getting confused with the raindrops that fell on his face.
He was fourteen and he had just ended a long day filled with classes, so he just wanted to have some dinner and go to bed. When he arrived at his quarters his master was already there and, as always, he got no hello. His master had never been affectionate, not even kind. He had never wanted him as a padawan and he hadn't bothered with hiding it but, sometimes, Anakin distinguished a hint of pride in his smile. He never found out if it had been pride or lust, but after his master humiliated him as he had done, he hadn't cared anymore. He cried for days and then he decided to forget, to erase the memory from his mind, to become a great jedi and never allow anyone to hurt him again. Until now.
Obi-wan Kenobi, the first one to despise him inside the order, the first one to deny his presence, had been the only one capable of digging up the memories he had hidden in the darkest corner of his mind. Because he had allowed him to do so. Unconsciously, he had wanted to let go, to scream his past, his pain and let Obi-wan tell him that everything would be alright. But he hadn't allowed him to do the last part, because he had felt too weak to let himself fall between the arms of a man that shouldn't matter so much.
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Obi-wan decided to close him mind to any thought that included Anakin, but when thick raindrops started to crash against the windows, he began to worry. He decided to give him some more time but, hours later, Anakin was still outside. With an annoyed grunt, Obi-wan covered himself with his thick cloak and took his steps towards the lake because, if he was correct, Anakin would be there.
Indeed, Anakin was there, sitting, looking forward and completely soaked by the rain that still fell from the sky. Obi-wan stayed some steps away, looking at the side of a face that he had seen happy, malicious and sensual and that now looked sad, doubtful and blue.
"You have something to say or are you just going to stand there?", Anakin's lips moved softly articulating the words, but his eyes stayed fixated on the lake, as if he was talking to an invisible god more than to a tangible mortal.
"It's raining", Obi-wan realized how trivial his comment was, but he didn't know how to act. Anakin half smiled, licking then the drops that stopped above his lips.
"That I know", he whispered, lowering his head but not looking at Obi-wan.
"What I mean is that you should get in", said Obi-wan finally, trying to grasp the practical side of the situation, "you're soaked"
"Yes, I know that too", they stayed a few seconds in silence, Anakin looking forward and Obi-wan looking at Anakin, expecting him to look at him. He didn't.
"What I mean", started Obi-wan when the silence became unbearable, "is that it can't be healthy to stay so much time under the rain."
"Stop acting as if you were worried", suddenly, Anakin's eyes found Obi-wan's, "as if you cared."
"I…", Obi-wan closed his mouth, regretting the involuntary apology that was going to leave his lips and crossed his arms on his chest in a stubborn gesture, "I have no use for you if you're sick. We still have a war to avoid here and we have to make sure that no more battles occur, so just get in the house, cover yourself and make sure you don't get sick, will you?"
"And what if I just stay here? You can do whatever you want to, but I'm not going inside just because you feel some kind of stupid responsibility over me", Obi-wan groaned soundly, offering Anakin an infuriated look, "why don't we speak clearly? There is nothing between us so you don't have to pretend that you are worried about me, because we both know you are not and–"
"Damn it, Anakin! I'm trying to keep the minimum civism levels", said Obi-wan while closing his fists involuntarily, "I don't need you sick, I don't want the charge you would be then, believe me, I have enough with taking you when you are ok, but if you want to spend the rest of your time getting wet and looking at the lake like an idiot feeling sorry for something that happened nine years ago, I guess you are free to do so", Anakin lowered his face and looked at his own hands, smiling slightly.
"You know?", he said after a few seconds of silence, "for a moment there, I almost thought you just wanted to help me", Obi-wan swallowed hard, feeling extremely cruel all of a sudden. He let both of his arms fall to his sides, biting his lips and questioning his own feelings. Finally, he walked the steps that separated him from Anakin, taking his hand to his face and feeling Anakin reject his touch.
"For a moment there, I almost thought you wanted my help."
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Going back to the house soaked and furious, Obi-wan got rid of his clothes quickly and got under the hot water of the shower. With a sigh, he allowed the water to massage the tense muscles of his back, leaning involuntarily on the wall, feeling incapable of supporting his own weight.
He wasn't very sure of why he had gone out to look for Anakin, of why he had felt the necessity of grabbing his ear, dragging him to the house and lecturing him for his imprudence, of why he had felt fury when he had heard him say that between them there was nothing and of why he couldn't stop thinking about him. He hit the wall strongly, frustrated.
The problem of everything was that Obi-wan actually felt sorry for what had happened to Anakin. Nobody deserved what he had gone through and Obi-wan couldn't avoid thinking that if he had left his feeling aside and had trained him, he would have had such a different life. But Obi-wan didn't like regret, so he decided to think about something else.
Obi-wan got out of the shower not feeling relaxed and, putting a towel around his waist, he fell on his bed. He closed his hands on the sheets, fighting against the thought that told him to go looking for Anakin again. He didn't care about him, he shouldn't. But he did, and it hurt him to see Anakin so weak, so vulnerable, almost frightened, when he had showed himself so strong, so capable of taking everything. Somehow, Obi-wan should have known, after all, years and years in denial had made Anakin a bomb, ready to explode whenever he got a chance.
Anakin had gone through a lot, but he didn't need Obi-wan taking care of him and Obi-wan certainly didn't need someone to look after. With that last thought, Obi-wan fell into a restless sleep.
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Next morning, Obi-wan descended through the stairs with his head spinning. He had to go to the city and check healer Tahalí's report, he would have to see how Gambola was doing and if he was willing to negotiate and he had to think some sort of strategy, because the sudden aggressive moves had left him with no ideas.
He was thinking about a fast breakfast when he heard someone's steps entering the kitchen. With an automatic gesture, he turned around, expecting to see a sleepy Anakin.
"Good– did you just get here?", Anakin's clothing, although dry, was wrinkled, his hair fell uncombed over his reddish eyes and his face was paler than normal, "did you spend the night outside?", Obi-wan didn't know if he should lecture him or send him to bed. Anakin nodded weakly, clutching the edges of the table strongly, "are you alright?"
"I'm… perfect", articulated Anakin while opening his eyes enormously, "but it would be nice if the room stopped spinning", Obi- wan was there in a second, one hand on his forehead.
"You have a fever", he said seconds later, "you better go to bed and–"
"I don't need you–"
"Shut up, will you?", groaned Obi-wan surrounding his waist with one arm, "you can barely walk, so just listen to me for a change", Anakin nodded again, letting all his weight drop on Obi-wan and allowing him to drag him up the stairs, "does anything hurt?", asked Obi-wan while Anakin sited on the edge of his bed.
"I feel as if little people with hammers were trying to open a hole in my head to get out."
"That's what I thought", Obi-wan kneeled in front of Anakin, getting rid of his boots before he had time to protest. Standing up, he took his hands to Anakin's shoulders so he could take off his wrinkled cloak.
"No", whispered Anakin hugging himself, "I'm cold, very, very, very cold."
"You're supposed to feel hot", Obi-wan took Anakin's hand between his feeling it, indeed, frozen, "I'm going to get a healer", Anakin nodded, raising his legs and lying on the bed.
"The ceiling is spinning."
"I'm going to get a healer", repeated Obi-wan. He took a couple of thick blankets out of the wardrobe and put them over Anakin, who wrapped himself in them immediately, "stay here and don't move, ok?"
"Yes, alright, whatever you say."
"Force, you must be feeling bad."
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"Obi-wan!", before putting a foot inside the palace, Kanti was already by his side, her eyes looking tired and her smile lacking her usual happiness, "it's good to see you."
"How is everything?", Obi-wan forced himself to be nice rather than screaming hysterically for a healer.
"As good as it can", half whispered Kanti, "a lot of people have died, Obi-wan, but every one wounded is stable and recovering… even Thania."
"I'm sorry", the words left Obi-wan's lips involuntarily, showing a guilty feeling hidden so far.
"Don't be silly, Obi-wan, all you have done has helped us… by the way, where did you leave Anakin? It's the first time I see you alone."
"Actually, I was looking for a healer for him, he is a bit sick", he explained.
"What is wrong with my little one?", exclaimed Kanti taking one hand to her chest.
"Nothing too bad", whispered Obi-wan, "he has a fever, but he is absolutely frozen."
"It's a common sickness", nodded Kanti, "we have a local remedy that will finish it quickly… If it is ok with you, I would like to go see him, I… I need to get out of here."
"Of course."
A few minutes later, Kanti and Obi-wan were sitting on a vehicle that would take them to the house the first one shared with Anakin. Between Kanti's hands traveled a vial with the remedy that would supposedly take care of the harmless virus Anakin had gotten.
"Anakin is lucky to have someone taking care of him", said Kanti suddenly, breaking the silence that had installed between the two of them, "you make a wonderful couple."
"I wouldn't say that."
"Oh, come on", smiled Kanti giving him a playful slap on the knee, "the sparks between you are almost visible. You jedi don't have an easy life, it's good to have someone close, and Anakin loves you", Obi-wan offered her a shy smile, not wanting to take her illusion away. Because Anakin didn't love him.
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Anakin expected a member of the healing team to appear behind Obi- wan, but he only saw Kanti, who sited on the edge of the bed, took away his covers, made him sit and hugged him against her chest.
"My poor little one!", Anakin could only make a whiny sound, because the room had started spinning again, making his headache worse. The cold was still a constant, "does it hurt very bad?", Anakin raised a couple of sad eyes to Kanti and nodded slowly, "poor baby", Kanti put his head between her breasts and caressed his hair softly, muttering poor baby all the time.
"We brought you a medicine", Obi-wan appeared in his visual space, offering him a vial filled with a clotted substance, which had a very questionable green color. Anakin took the vial and, raising his head fast he swallowed the whole thing. He made an involuntary disgusted face and offered Obi-wan the empty vial.
"Disgusting", he groaned.
"But it will take care of you, cookie", Kanti held him again, hugging him with more strength than such a small woman should have, "now you just have to sleep and you'll get better"
"I'm still too cold", Anakin knew he sounded like a whiny kid, but he was starting to like being taken care of. Obi-wan took one of the blankets that had fallen to the floor and wrapped it around Anakin.
"That's very good, but he needs human heat, Obi-wan", Kanti nodded, convinced, "better than all the blankets of the world", Kanti pushed Anakin slightly, sending him against Obi-wan's body, who was also sited one the bed. Kanti raised Obi-wan's arms, putting them around Anakin's body, "much better", she nodded, satisfied, "I better go… take care, cookie", he gave Anakin a big wet kiss on the cheek and left the room. Both men stayed static, joined in the involuntary hug.
"Did she call me cookie?", whispered Anakin after a few seconds of silence.
"Yes, she called you cookie", Obi-wan tried to laugh, but he just got a low sound, "I… er… do you want me to move?", Anakin's first impulse was to say yes, but a quick thought made him refuse the idea. No one, ever, had held him to take away his cold. When he had started his training one of his main problems had been the cold that went through him every time he went to the space. He remembered his master denying him a blanket under the pretext that he had to learn how to take things as a warrior. With time, he had forgot about the cold, but now he was comfortably cuddled between Obi-wan's arms and all of his body exhaled heat. It was nice to feel Obi-wan's strong body against his so, telling himself that he felt weak only because of the sickness, he snuggled a bit more against Obi-wan.
"No, stay… just, just until the cold is gone", Obi-wan nodded, hugging Anakin's body stronger between his arms.
"Maybe we should lie down", Anakin nodded and, not letting go, they both lied down on the bed. Obi-wan took his look to Anakin's face, but he had already closed his eyes. He pressed him as much as he could against his body unconsciously, telling himself that the necessity of protecting him he was feeling was just a consequence of Anakin's sickness.
They both nodded interiorly, convinced that all this only had the purpose of taking the cold away, and they fell into a soft and calmed sleep, ignoring the thought that told them that they just wanted to catch the heat.
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Everybody hurts – REM
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
if you feel like letting go, (hold on)
when you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.
Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your
hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
when you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (repeat & fade)
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)