Title: Reality
Author: Monchy
Rating: R
Category: slash, romance, angst
Disclaimer: not mine
Summary: Anakin only wants to know that he exists, that he is real,
but he can't allow himself the reality he needs
Warnings: there'll be violence
The first time Anakin saw rain was a few days after he arrived at Coruscant. When Obi-wan had explained him that in the capital, as in many other planets, rain was something common, he had given him a surprised exclamation and, without a second thought, had gone outside and had spent hours under the rain, feeling it wet his clothes. That first time, his master had laughed and had given him the pleasure of water.
As years went by, rain became his lifesaver, although it had gotten him more than one sickness and a few lectures form Obi-wan, who had understood his hobbie only that first time when he was in his sweet nine years. Nevertheless, it had still been a vital thing for him, and he had gotten under the water on every occasion he had had.
It helped him think. That was why now, even thought he was the independent knight Anakin Skywalker, he was in the balcony of his own rooms, cold drops going trough his body. The truth was the last thing he needed was to think or to feel, because that only took him to the most deep despair. But his feelings had been hunting him for years and the rain seem to hold every answer.
He felt suffocated by a Council that didn't trust him, by
life rules in which he couldn't believe and by the negation of what
was really inside him. He knew that was the way things should be,
but he couldn't understand it, he couldn't reach that point in which
every Jedi left his emotions aside to serve a more noble purpose. He
knew what he wanted, and it was hard for him to accept that he would
never have it because it was forbidden.
There is no emotion; there is peace.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no struggle; there is acceptance.
But they were only words. Sacred words, a guide to an
eternity of good, but useless in the most important parts. There is
no emotion, no passion, but it seems impossible to avoid them.
Anakin had held doubts on the Code ever since he learned it, telling himself as he grew up that every Jedi hadn't stopped feeling, that they had just repressed their sensations, every little thing that could connect them to the real world, time transforming them in senseless beings. But he wanted to feel, he wanted to be real, and that was why he liked to feel rain on him, remembering him that he existed.
"I guess you have new issues to solve" he had noticed Obi- wan's presence a few moments ago, but he had decided to wait for him to speak.
"The Council doesn't trust me" he said, he eyes still closed and not facing his master.
"I trust you" Obi-wan felt the smile on Anakin's lips and then sighed softly, "but no, the Council doesn't," the younger one nodded, never making any move to cover himself from the rain.
Obi-wan was on the balcony's door, protected from the water, never being so fond of it as his former apprentice. He wanted to go to him, grab him by the ear and bring him inside, just as he used to do when, still being his padawan, Anakin had gotten under the water. But he wouldn't.
"I still think there are far better solutions, most of them not so risky for your health, don't you think?" the other one didn't answer, after all, they had had the same discussion quite a few times "the least thing you could do was wear shoes" another part of the ritual that Obi-wan didn't seem to get was the fact that Anakin had to be bared footed "you'll get sick, again."
"I like the rain" whispered Anakin.
"I know Anakin, but I still don't understand it" when he heard that, Anakin opened his eyes and, with a slow movement, turned around and looked at his master with half closed eyes.
"Come."
Obi-wan didn't feel like getting wet, or sick, but Anakin's firm voice that, strangely enough, sounded like an authoritarian plea, made him take one sep towards him.
"Wait" said Anakin raising one hand "you've got to take off your boots" Obi-wan frowned, every second a little bit less convinced "please" that was enough to make him go to his feet and start taking of his shoes.
Anakin never asked for anything, he just took what he wanted, so getting a please out of him always meant something. Bare footed, Obi-wan started to walk towards the other man, cursing silently when he felt the cold floor and drops starting to soak his clothing. He stopped next to Anakin, ignoring the shivers that went through his spine, trying to adjust to the frozen water.
"Close your eyes" whispered Anakin, closing his own. Obi- wan nodded and let his eyes fall shut "I don't know if I can explain it but… its… you're the only thing that gets between the water and the floor, the only thing that stops the continuous sound. You're here, and you can assure it because you feel the cold from the drops, and the hard contact with the floor, a shiver once in a while… its almost painful, but it's a way to scream look at me, I'm here. I exist and I'm real… real" Obi-wan couldn't tell if it were Anakin's words or the almost hypnotic tone of his voice, but he got carried away with the emotions.
Nonetheless, rain wasn't what he wanted or what Anakin needed. Without giving it a second thought, suffocated by the flow of emotions that went through hem, he took his hand to Anakin's, caressing with trembling fingers the other man's soft palm. He went through every finger of Anakin's hand with the same one from his own, finally entwining them without any pressure.
"Can you feel this?" Anakin opened his eyes, unconsciously driving them to their perfectly fitted hands. He raised his gaze to Obi-wan's face, eyes still closed, drops wetting his features. He looked at their hands again.
"Yes, I do" he answered simply. Obi-wan opened his eyes then, looking for his.
"This is real."
And it was. It was the only reality in which Anakin wanted to believe and the only one he wasn't allowed to have. Still, just for this time, he descended his lips upon Obi-wan's, staying still for a few seconds, feeling the softness of the other mouth against his. He moved a little so he could put his other hand on Obi-wan's waist while he held his forearm. The continuity of the kiss came naturally, their lips parting and their tongues colliding in a deliberately slow but firm way. No moment from the kiss was rough, the way they held each other a simple support, their movements slow and rhythmic.
They separated slowly, Anakin letting his head fall on Obi-wan's shoulder, squeezing a little the hand he hadn't let go. Obi-wan imitated the gesture, biting his lower lip so he didn't had to break the moment so soon.
"It can't be" he whispered seconds after, an invisible hand stroking his chest.
"I know" Anakin knew, but it hurt to deny what was so obvious.
They stayed still for a few minutes, just embracing each other, the rain long forgotten between the heat of their bodies. It couldn't be and Anakin knew it, but it was real. When Obi-wan separated from him and, without another word, went inside the rooms, Anakin stayed outside while it still rained.
TBC