PROCRASTURBATION

2/9/03

My dad is in the country for a few days. He's still so proud with that silent integrity that permeates him, and I'm still painfully seeking his recognition. He has no idea what control he has over me. Just one look of disapproval could send me on a mission to reevaluate myself, and why I haven't done enough to earn his acknowledgement. I thought that by now, I'd have been mature enough to move beyond the adolecent need for love and approval. I haven't grown out of that, I think it's just a part of being human. But I have accepted some things; that my father, the unfaltering, working class, Filipino immigrant, does not display love, and I guess that's one of the things I've learned to embrace when I decided that I love him unconditionally.

2/05/03

"My name is Gita. I will be your mistress for the evening. You will address me as Mistress Gita and only as Mistress Gita. You will speak only when told and you will do exactly as I say." Then I woke up drooling on my macro notes.

2/4/03

Still can't sleep
It's 2:30 am and I've been lying in bed since 11. Anxiety's a bitch. I don't think human beings were made to accomplish more than 2 tasks a day. Gosh, the stressful life of an undergrad, i should write a book on that, maybe it'll put me to sleep.

2/03/03

My roomate Ruby, loves her boyfriend. She loves her boyrfriend at least 4 times a day. She is not ashamed to love her boyrfriend, even in my presence and I'm not ashamed to love myself 4 times a day in her presence.

1/20/03

I get upset over things. It's naive of me to think that once I've achieved a balance and a philosophy that works that I'm never going to experience confusion again. I have to stop thinking. Today, I had successfully over-analyzed my failed relationships to the point of decontsruction. Not even a bottle of Merlot and half a pack of stale cigarettes could pacify my pathetic melodrama. I'm particularly upset with my relationship with Nikki. It seems it's no longer enough to fault the declention of our friendship on the uncontrollable forces of time and change. God, I miss her. It's difficult to accept that sometimes relationships decay faster than fruits fallen from a neglected tree. I remember how close we were, bound like sisters with identical goals and intense passions. It would be childish of me to hold onto those dreams, however, because expectations are as non-existent as the past. All I have is now, and what else can I do but smile and carry on.