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Christian psychopathologies, Contiued |
The Looper Miracle Gospeltory |
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Form of godliness but deny power
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Reverend E. Dwayne Looper is widely considered to be the leading Christian demonologist in Canada. Residing in the town of Moosejaw, Saskatchewan, Brother Looper leads a dynamic ministry of deliverance in the frosty climes of the frozen north. Educated at Christchurch University, Cambridge, The Reverend Looper earned his Doctor of Divinity degree in 1982.) There are many ways in which one can maintain an optimum, effective witness for Christ Jesus. Saying "no" when invited to "play" with the Ouija board while at work; refusing to kill another person, even if they are an abortionist; placing Bible tracts in public places, such as laundromats, malls, restrooms, and government offices. Yet these are obvious gestures. What God would have me speak to you about today are those actions which are not so obvious, which you may not even associate with bringing glory, honor, and praise to the Risen Savior. For example, did you know that each and every time you eat, you are participating in the very essence of Heaven and Hell? It is true. We take in God through our mouths, and expel the Serpent through our bowels. You see, food is a type of Christ, while bodily waste, or fecal matter, is a type of Satan. This is why we bless our food and flush our waste down into the underworld. And just as we spend time in properly preparing our food that we may receive God's blessing through it, so too must we prepare our colons to be properly flushed of the feces Satan would have become impacted, robbing us of our colon's ability to absorb important vitamin and nutrients and hence, the natural vitality, clean mind, and fresh skin we need to bring Christ to others: A constipated Christian simply cannot be an effective witness for Christ! I don't like to be indelicate, but you must ask yourself this question: "Have my stools decreased in diameter?" If so, then you are exhibiting the signs of colonic compaction, the narrowing of the colon caused by impacted feces. Straining to pass rock-hard solid stools is another sign of fecal compaction. This is brought about by not drinking enough water, allowing arid, cementitious stools to form inside the body and putrefy, just as surely as the soul without God will putrefy. Flatulence is yet another gastrointestinal weapon Satan uses to damage the witness of the effective Christian. "Surely Reverend Looper, you jest," the reader is tempted to reply. But let me bring this to your attention, dear one: Flatulence is subject to immediate mockery in the Western world. Why? Because we are rightly embarrassed by the processes of decay going on in our fallen bodies. Yet it is more than embarrassment, for we are ashamed of our fallen bodies. And each and every time there is evidence of bodily decay, corruption, or stench, we are individually and collectively reminded of the Fall. Yet to the extent we refuse to acknowledge Christ, refuse to acknowledge the truth in the word of God, we can only offer a pathetic form of embarrassment, manifesting as a weak attempt at humor, when flatulence appears. Thus Satan cripples our witness. I remember when I was a young minister, Satan would often attack me with great bouts of flatulence as I was about to mount the podium to deliver God's inspired word. The snickering in the congregation often grew to such raucous heights as to drown out the Word. The attacks would continue as I attempted to stand at the door of the sanctuary after service to bid farewell to the parishioners. And as I was about to shake a hand, or hug a child, a great flatus would erupt and spew forth the noxious odor residing in my bowels. And sweet Jesus, the odor: It carried with it the sulfurous emissions of Hell itself. That sulfuric odor emanating from deep within me was really my first clue that its origins were not simply from cabbage, but rather from Hell. It was then that I undertook to study my bowels and to control my eating habits in such a way as not to allow Satan to use the rotting foods within me to contaminate the work Christ was trying to do in, and through, me. So this is God's revealed truth: The Fall is dramatized in the human digestive process. We take in the good food of the Garden with our mouths, but then our evil physical bodies of lust turn it into putrid stool, rather than the Shekinah glory which followed the Children of Israel in the Wilderness. I therefore urge you to take dominion over of your colon even as Christ has taken dominion over your spirit. The best way to do this is with my patented Looper Gospeltories, which are small waxy vessels containing the purest olive oil the Holy Land can offer. As you kneel in a semi-squat position in the privacy of your prayer closet, you simply insert a Looper Gospeltory into the gritty recess of your backside. Once inside, the gentle olive oil loosens, cleanses, and frees your colon of the layers of encrusted demonic residue. And best of all, Looper Gospeltories make great gifts, for what better says "I love you" than the gift of a clean colon? The Looper Gospeltories come twelve to a box for only $8.95. Please feel free to order by e-mail through this website.
An extremely constipated President Bush is shown in the picture above. Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are grimacing from the wretched odor that has just erupted from the Presidential colon. Bush himself is so embarrassed and confused that he gives a "thumbs up" gesture, something that Connie Rice told him to do whenever he can't think of anything else to do. Clearly, the President needs the relief that is possible only with the Looper Gospeltories.
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