Bad day.
Everything inside me looks like everything I hate. / You are the hope I have for change, you are the only chance I'll take.

Why is it that I feel like such a failure? I can't help nobody, I can't even help myself. All I do is cry to myself, at night, in front of a freaking computer screen. Whilst telling everyone else that I'm fine. I'm freaking fine.

I can't open myself up. I can't, I won't.

How do I let this paranoia out of my system? How do I reassure myself that nobody hates me? How do I do things my way instead of another person's way because I didn't want to hurt their feelings? How do I stop myself from crying in the middle of my homework?

Is there a way to get over this self-hatred? To feel good about myself for once?

How do I forget about him to carry on with my life? How do I drop the little thread of hope that he likes me too? Is there a way of not fearing rejection?

I wake up in the morning / Put on my face / The one that's gonna get me / Through another day / Doesn't really matter / How I feel inside.

My life, it seems to be perfect.

But why am I so insecure with it? If I had someone here, to tell me everything is going to be okay. I'd feel so much better.

But I don't.

And I know that, as life, nothing is ever going to be okay. We have to keep living. The world isn't going to stop for you because you're having a bad day. Or because you're feeling worthless.

As you grow older, you become less and less the centre of attention. You're 16 and the world no longer revolves around you. You're just like every other teenager just trying to get through life.

Suck it up and keep going.

Don't feel. Just study. Don't think about anything. Just study. Your grades are one of the most important things right now. And you don't have confidence in any of them. How're you going to survive life?

I'm going to do what every teenager does. Post lyrics to a song.

"Perfect" by Simple Plan
Hey Dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me

**'Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I try not to think about the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

**

Nothing’s gonna change the things that you said
And nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand

** x 2

It's not only my Dad, it's everything.

Hmm
I don't want to feel. I just want to get my exams over and done with.

I don't want to care about my feelings, my social life or anything related to ME apart from the kind of grades I want to get.

If I want to succeed in life I think I better get a move on.

I can't just stand here, waiting for life to pick me up. I have actually start moving before my life takes momentum and spins off without me.

I feel like my world is falling apart. And everyone just forgot about me and I'm falling apart with it.

I'm exhausted. It's my fault. But I don't think I'll be able to keep it up.

My Biology teacher told us to chill out for a bit. These 3 weeks will go by really fast. And sooner or later it's going to be the exams and we won't be able to slow down until the holidays. He told us not to relax by sitting in front of the TV or play video games. Lie on your bed and block out everything worrying you. In the silence. Let it surround you. And enjoy that.

Because we don't enjoy anything.

Hi.

I feel bad for not updating here more often. I know, I suck. I somehow can't seem to stick to something for a long time. Like online journals.

I hate knowing that I've left these people that have comforted me, given me much needed advice and much, much support.

I know no one will probably see this. It's a long shot. But I hope at least you guys will know that I'm so grateful. :)

So many people have given me advice to open up to my friends, my family or to at least someone (cos I don't). But I was born stubborn - I don't know who I got that from, I don't hate you or anything - and I can't make myself do something that I have no confidence in or do something that I will have to go out of my comfort zone to get done.

If I wasn't me. I'd probably hate my guts right now. And I do. Even when I am myself.

I'm going to try and enjoy the remaining days of the Summer holidays. Cos I dunno. I should I guess.

Big mess.
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Notice Me by NB Ridaz feat. Angelica
Okay, so I'm back here, one of my first ever secret online journals.. I've started some more. Which I update more frequently because I don't seem to be the type who write in diaries because I can't seem to write so fast/nicely.

Here's one of them: Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.

Major dilemma, I don't want to get dragged into it but it's too late. By helping one group I might be excluded from the other.. What is this world coming to?

You won't miss me when I'm gone.

Something's never change
Mood:  hug me
Some people piss you off, one second you're fine. And they go say something, and you get so freaking pissed off again.

It sucks. Really, really sucks. Some people start to complain. I don't want to. I don't need to. I have this all to myself and I'm not making any sense.

Sometimes, as I always wonder, what's the point?

Cliched Life
Mood:  hug me
Damnit. I wanna watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Comedy and Romance
1 hr. 48 min. This is the story of a guy, Joel (Carrey), who discovers that his long-time girlfriend, Clementine (Winslet), has undergone a psychiatrist's (Wilkinson) experimental procedure in which all of her memory of Joel is removed, after the couple has tried for years to get their relationship working fluidly. Frustrated by the idea of still being in love with a woman who doesn't remember their time together, Joel agrees to undergo the procedure as well, to erase his memories of Clementine. The film, which takes place mostly within Joel's mind, follows his memories of Clementine backwards in time as each recent memory is replaced, and the procedure then goes on to the previous one, which is likewise seen, and then erased. Once the process starts, however, Joel realizes he doesn't really want to forget Clementine, so he starts smuggling her away into parts of his memory where she doesn't belong... which alters other things about his memories as well.

I dunno why, but it just caught my attention in HKR.. And I went ahead to read the back. Okay so it's only for 17 years and up people, but it's not like people care right? I watched 'Boys Don't Cry' for God's sake, do you think this movie will scar me as much as that one?

I'm off to research more about it. Sigh, if only I spent so much of my attention into my homework.

Why don't you?
Mood:  hug me
Just kill me and leave it to that.

Not so easy afterall..
Mood:  hug me
.. But it was never easy in the first place.

When I was just a little toddler, I guess I thought everything was supposed to be easy. Went to Nursery School, had nap times and just played with puzzles. Yea, that was the life right?

Then I began Primary School, okay so that was alright as well. I had little bits of homework, but that was only colouring in and cutting out. Nothing too hard for the brain.

Then I moved here and started Primary School again, this time in P2. Twas okay as well, I mean, they don't expect as much from you as a little kid right? I mean, yea we had report cards and I had no idea what the hell they were, that doesn't really count does it? It's not the most excellent report card ever, but hey, it's not like I knew I was being graded.

As I got higher up Primary School, things got harder, but hey compared to now, what the hell? I might as well relive those few years and come out as a top student. There were those teary moments when something went wrong and I started crying, but those were petty things. I've grown stronger since then.

Then came the time when I went on from Primary School to Secondary School. It was like; "Oh wow, things are gonna get tough!" If only I had known, would I have turned out the way I am today? In the beginning in Y7, I used to do all my homework, and sure there was a workload which was totally different from P6. I worked hard, got okay marks and that's it. Went in and out of crushes, but hey, it happens. Cried a plenty of times.

Y8, Y9 came and went. Grades ever so slowly dropping, but what the hell is just a few letters on a piece of paper? Who cares? Test marks started dropping and I was no longer a star student, not that I even was though.

Y10 came and I had chosen my subjects for GCSE, crushes again came and went. And I decided they weren't my time when I would go falling for some other kinda guy. The exams came, they left and so did some minor crushes and I realised that I had to pick myself up and start really concentrating. Like I had told myself all the years before.

Y11 (now) has come, and a whole year is about to end. I've chosen my subjects for my A Levels and even thinking about AS Levels. It's harder than I would have thought when I was in Nursery School, but who actually ever looks that far into the future? I would have never known that I was going to end up here and I guess none of you ever knew either. Whatever your future took you to. There's only a few more weeks until my mocks which do count as something. I've got no love life whatsoever, and everything just seems screwed up.

But y'know, things could be so much more worse, I could be looking at myself in like 12 years time and go; "Man, I had things going for me then what the hell happened to me?"

But you're not here to read about my life are you?

...
Mood:  hug me
There's so much to say and yet so little brain capacity to say it in.

Let's just say that my life would be better if it was over okay?

Damnit
Mood:  hug me
I wanna guy.